I'm upset, lonely, vulnerable, angry and full of nothing but hatred. Seriously hate the way I am, I feel like I'm crazy. Became so close to someone online and I opened up to him and he opened up to me...now I feel like I ruined everything. I love him so much. Jumped to conclusions and thought he was trying to mess with my emotions and was taken me for granted... What did I do? I got angry at him.
I'm always assuming once people who love me will somehow abuse me, take me for granted and not love me. I have serious abandonment issues and I know this. I'm always craving attention, affection and love. Feel like a horrible person. All my life I've been been abused. Know things isn't always about me but sometimes I feel like that's how people receive me as: me! me! me! it's always about me and my problems! I'm not like that at all, I in fact love helping others when there depressed and lonely and I actually give good advice too.
However when I'm like this, everyone goes out the window. All my self confidence and love for myself goes out the window. Whenever I'm like this I hate myself, I feel like I deserve to be punished. If nobody punishes me, I do it to myself. Cause that's what I'm honestly used too. Not used to people being nice, caring about me and understanding towards me. Sometimes I get so paranoid. Uh oh there being nice to me, they must want something from me or they want to reel me in so they can abuse me. Than I let my guard down and once there distant, distracted or anything, I immediately think: Oh gosh, they hate me! Everything they said to me is a lie! I knew it! There abusing me and I need to stand up for myself and let them know I'm onto them! So I get angry: "Your taking me for granted and I won't tolerate it anymore!" They immediately say: I'm not taking you for granted. I care so much about you, please trust me. I'm just busy doing something right now. Or they tell me I'm not in a good mood and I immediately think it's cause of me cause my abuser used to blame everything on me and I'm always used to taking the blame. Even if someone isn't my fault, I immediately jump to the opportunity and even say "No it has to be my fault. Everything usually is my fault." I remember I watched "The Perks Of Being A Wallflower" not to long ago and I could relate to Charlie in so many ways cause I always think, It's all my fault....It's all my fault...It's all my fault.... and yes I was molested as a young girl and I dated a sociopath for 5 and half years....and I'm always paranoid of getting abused again and again....
Right now I feel like a crazy person, I feel like I'm somehow being abusive and I'm starting to hate myself. Am I abusive? Is what my ex boyfriend about me true? My ex boyfriend told me I'm an abuser when he's the one who raped me, manipulated me and gave me the silent treatment anytime I told him I wouldn't have sex with him....now I feel like I'm becoming just like him and I'm starting to wish that I could just disappear. The person I love needs to be alone right now cause he said he's in a bad mood and I'm desperately afraid he won't talk to me again and I won't be able to apologize to him. Gosh I love him so much and he accepts me for who I am and doesn't care about my disorders cause he suffers from depression as well. Right now though I feel like I don't deserve him. I feel like I should just punish myself cause everything is all my fault.
Why do I do this to people? I want to stop it. I'm so tired of being sad. What is going on with me? Am I crazy? Is there any hope left for me? A few minutes ago I was sobbing and saying I hate him...I don't need him anyways, but the truth of the matters is I don't hate him at all. I was just upset cause we got into a fight and now I'm blaming myself all cause I jumped to conclusions and thought he was taking me for granted and in some way abusing me. Please someone talk to me. I need support right now and I promise in the future I'll be able to help other people out but right now I can't do that when I'm in this weak state. If someone gives me any advice or words of wisdom I promise that I'll do the same for you cause I love people so much...I really do...all I want is friends...that's all I seriously want. Thanks for listening to me.