I dont think I can feel love, and it prohibits me from living a "normal life"
since a kid I never remember taking a legitimate liking to anything or anyone. Ive always felt disconnected with my family, society and even myself. I am 18 years old, never been in a relationship, a virgin, and I feel as if I have never really been truly happy yet. I guess I enjoy trying new things, but that's about it. I feel as if when I try new things, there is a possibility that it will drastically change my life for the better. When it doesnt, I just throw it away basically.
I can never "stick" on to things without getting completely sick and tired of them. Because of this it is very easy for me to let things go. In my mind I see things for what they really are, and nothing is good enough for me to apply my complete self to. I ask myself "what am I doing" to everything I do. It's all so pointless. I never can make my mind up to what I want to do. Sometimes I feel as if im a genius and that I need to change the world drastically but I have no idea as to how I could do that. I pretend like I enjoy making music, I can spend hours working on a song/beat, only to realize that I dont even like the song, or the meaning behind it. I feel as if I basically half-*** everything. I do not think I can fully give something/someone my all. Is that what love is? Giving someone/something 100% of your effort? that's all what love is to me it seems.
I have friends, and a family. They all try to love me, but I can tell they know I could care less about them. So they kind of give up and we are left in an awkward state where they try to do things for me to make me like them, but I cant.
Whenever I get close to people, they will start to do things that I find to be very strange. For example, my dad always tries help me out by giving me money cause he knows I am not in the best financial state, but it just bugs me because I know it just makes things worse. He uses it as a tool to get me to like him, but it doesnt work. It seems everyone uses money as a tool, cause with it you can do whatever you want. For me, I can never decide what is actually worth putting money into. Time is money and I feel as if I just waste it all, as whatever I do put money into, it just goes down the drain with regret or some other bull****. That's why I dislike taking money from my dad because I know he works hard for his money and when he gives it to me I know im just wasting it. It feels bad, like im hurting him because of this. I dont like to hurt people at all that's the last thing I want to do. I wish everyone could just do as they please, and I wish I didnt exist sometimes cause all I do is seem to bring misery into other people.
Another thing is I never can communicate properly with people, and I think that is my biggest problem. Something ive always wanted to experience is a relationship with a woman. Doing so is super hard for me because I have no confidence in myself, and no female wants a man with just as many insecurities as they do. To me, all most people do is try to use others as tools to get what they want. Its all just complete selfishness to me. I have nothing to prove to anyone, so I just dont try. Girls will try to flirt with me but I just reply with some stupid comment that they don't even understand, or simply just say "yeah". My mind is always elsewhere it seems. As a kid, and now, I never liked to talk much to anyone. I guess I was always too afraid of what they might think, idk.
I really want to move away and just start new somewhere, but that costs money that I dont have. I work a job as a busser for a resturant that I hate, and it makes me sick going there every day just to make money that means very little to me. Sometimes I feel I just could be homeless and enjoy life that way, and other days I feel as if I need money to survive (cause you kind of do haha). So for now, im stuck in a small town where most people I know, think im some complete whack job because I don't/cant communicate with them. Just waiting for something to happen I guess. Think about suicide every day, for a while now, but I wont do it just in case the universe needs me one day.