I dont think I can feel love, and it prohibits me from living a "normal life" - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 11-03-2016, 12:25 PM Thread Starter
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I dont think I can feel love, and it prohibits me from living a "normal life"


since a kid I never remember taking a legitimate liking to anything or anyone. Ive always felt disconnected with my family, society and even myself. I am 18 years old, never been in a relationship, a virgin, and I feel as if I have never really been truly happy yet. I guess I enjoy trying new things, but that's about it. I feel as if when I try new things, there is a possibility that it will drastically change my life for the better. When it doesnt, I just throw it away basically.

I can never "stick" on to things without getting completely sick and tired of them. Because of this it is very easy for me to let things go. In my mind I see things for what they really are, and nothing is good enough for me to apply my complete self to. I ask myself "what am I doing" to everything I do. It's all so pointless. I never can make my mind up to what I want to do. Sometimes I feel as if im a genius and that I need to change the world drastically but I have no idea as to how I could do that. I pretend like I enjoy making music, I can spend hours working on a song/beat, only to realize that I dont even like the song, or the meaning behind it. I feel as if I basically half-*** everything. I do not think I can fully give something/someone my all. Is that what love is? Giving someone/something 100% of your effort? that's all what love is to me it seems.

I have friends, and a family. They all try to love me, but I can tell they know I could care less about them. So they kind of give up and we are left in an awkward state where they try to do things for me to make me like them, but I cant.
Whenever I get close to people, they will start to do things that I find to be very strange. For example, my dad always tries help me out by giving me money cause he knows I am not in the best financial state, but it just bugs me because I know it just makes things worse. He uses it as a tool to get me to like him, but it doesnt work. It seems everyone uses money as a tool, cause with it you can do whatever you want. For me, I can never decide what is actually worth putting money into. Time is money and I feel as if I just waste it all, as whatever I do put money into, it just goes down the drain with regret or some other bull****. That's why I dislike taking money from my dad because I know he works hard for his money and when he gives it to me I know im just wasting it. It feels bad, like im hurting him because of this. I dont like to hurt people at all that's the last thing I want to do. I wish everyone could just do as they please, and I wish I didnt exist sometimes cause all I do is seem to bring misery into other people.

Another thing is I never can communicate properly with people, and I think that is my biggest problem. Something ive always wanted to experience is a relationship with a woman. Doing so is super hard for me because I have no confidence in myself, and no female wants a man with just as many insecurities as they do. To me, all most people do is try to use others as tools to get what they want. Its all just complete selfishness to me. I have nothing to prove to anyone, so I just dont try. Girls will try to flirt with me but I just reply with some stupid comment that they don't even understand, or simply just say "yeah". My mind is always elsewhere it seems. As a kid, and now, I never liked to talk much to anyone. I guess I was always too afraid of what they might think, idk.

I really want to move away and just start new somewhere, but that costs money that I dont have. I work a job as a busser for a resturant that I hate, and it makes me sick going there every day just to make money that means very little to me. Sometimes I feel I just could be homeless and enjoy life that way, and other days I feel as if I need money to survive (cause you kind of do haha). So for now, im stuck in a small town where most people I know, think im some complete whack job because I don't/cant communicate with them. Just waiting for something to happen I guess. Think about suicide every day, for a while now, but I wont do it just in case the universe needs me one day.
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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 11-03-2016, 01:08 PM
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ok first of all you're 18 so you're either not done with high school yet or just graduated. If you haven't graduated yet focus you have 0 to worry about, you will be done soon and then you can completely leave it behind you (seriously, whoever said high school was the best 4 years of your life is an idiot. College isn't either but at least I have a few positive memories from that).

If you have graduated and you are just working as a busser, I can see why you are frustrated when others your age are away at college having fun and "partying" (seriously when I look at my life regrets, wishing I partied more isn't one of them). But still, having a job is better than just sitting at home on the internet or playing video games all day. If a 4 year school isn't an option look into at least going to community college and possibly transferring later. If your dad is helping you out financially but you feel guilty about it, getting assistance from him to get an education at a local community college won't feel as much as a guilt trip as asking for assistance in going to a university far away. Also, not everyone is going to be super close with their family. I'm not, except for my dog who is the only reason I ever drive the 3 hours back to my hometown in the first place, and I've been judged for it particularly by my younger brother, but I feel like they know I still love them even if I don't have to say it every day.

And there are lots of people who are 18 and never dated, especially those who came from a religious background and never really had the option to until turning 18 anyways. The good thing is your realizing now, instead of at 23 like I did, that you have difficulty picking up on basic social cues and don't realize when someone might be showing interest in you, etc. There's lots of resources on the internet on how to pick up on human behavior like this, believe me I've spent enough time alone in the past year or so that has given me time to learn that stuff. I just have to put myself in the position to actually meet people and initiate these actions. Just avoid pick-up forums because the language used on there is often crude, and will only hurt the self-esteem of guys who don't believe in that stuff even more.
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 11-03-2016, 01:23 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by 247 View Post
since a kid I never remember taking a legitimate liking to anything or anyone. Ive always felt disconnected with my family, society and even myself. I am 18 years old, never been in a relationship, a virgin, and I feel as if I have never really been truly happy yet. I guess I enjoy trying new things, but that's about it. I feel as if when I try new things, there is a possibility that it will drastically change my life for the better. When it doesnt, I just throw it away basically.

I can never "stick" on to things without getting completely sick and tired of them. Because of this it is very easy for me to let things go. In my mind I see things for what they really are, and nothing is good enough for me to apply my complete self to. I ask myself "what am I doing" to everything I do. It's all so pointless. I never can make my mind up to what I want to do. Sometimes I feel as if im a genius and that I need to change the world drastically but I have no idea as to how I could do that. I pretend like I enjoy making music, I can spend hours working on a song/beat, only to realize that I dont even like the song, or the meaning behind it. I feel as if I basically half-*** everything. I do not think I can fully give something/someone my all. Is that what love is? Giving someone/something 100% of your effort? that's all what love is to me it seems.

I have friends, and a family. They all try to love me, but I can tell they know I could care less about them. So they kind of give up and we are left in an awkward state where they try to do things for me to make me like them, but I cant.
Whenever I get close to people, they will start to do things that I find to be very strange. For example, my dad always tries help me out by giving me money cause he knows I am not in the best financial state, but it just bugs me because I know it just makes things worse. He uses it as a tool to get me to like him, but it doesnt work. It seems everyone uses money as a tool, cause with it you can do whatever you want. For me, I can never decide what is actually worth putting money into. Time is money and I feel as if I just waste it all, as whatever I do put money into, it just goes down the drain with regret or some other bull****. That's why I dislike taking money from my dad because I know he works hard for his money and when he gives it to me I know im just wasting it. It feels bad, like im hurting him because of this. I dont like to hurt people at all that's the last thing I want to do. I wish everyone could just do as they please, and I wish I didnt exist sometimes cause all I do is seem to bring misery into other people.

Another thing is I never can communicate properly with people, and I think that is my biggest problem. Something ive always wanted to experience is a relationship with a woman. Doing so is super hard for me because I have no confidence in myself, and no female wants a man with just as many insecurities as they do. To me, all most people do is try to use others as tools to get what they want. Its all just complete selfishness to me. I have nothing to prove to anyone, so I just dont try. Girls will try to flirt with me but I just reply with some stupid comment that they don't even understand, or simply just say "yeah". My mind is always elsewhere it seems. As a kid, and now, I never liked to talk much to anyone. I guess I was always too afraid of what they might think, idk.

I really want to move away and just start new somewhere, but that costs money that I dont have. I work a job as a busser for a resturant that I hate, and it makes me sick going there every day just to make money that means very little to me. Sometimes I feel I just could be homeless and enjoy life that way, and other days I feel as if I need money to survive (cause you kind of do haha). So for now, im stuck in a small town where most people I know, think im some complete whack job because I don't/cant communicate with them. Just waiting for something to happen I guess. Think about suicide every day, for a while now, but I wont do it just in case the universe needs me one day.
thanks for the reply, yes I have graduated, and I do want to go to community college, but I dont think I am ready to decide what it is I want to go to college for. Its hard picking an occupation that will cost lots of money and time that may not even pay off in the end, as I have a hard time making decisions. for me I dont have the problem picking up on people's social cues. I have a very hard time acting on them. I feel like I can read others very well to be honest, just when somebody tries to do something in a loving way or an intimate way I just shut down for some reason and go into my mind like a turtle retreating to his shell. When im close to women who I feel I might make a connection with, I shut down when they try to become more than just friends. I think I like the IDEA of having someone to love, but its a connection that does not feel natural too me, it feels forced.
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 11-03-2016, 01:25 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by uga1992 View Post
ok first of all you're 18 so you're either not done with high school yet or just graduated. If you haven't graduated yet focus you have 0 to worry about, you will be done soon and then you can completely leave it behind you (seriously, whoever said high school was the best 4 years of your life is an idiot. College isn't either but at least I have a few positive memories from that).

If you have graduated and you are just working as a busser, I can see why you are frustrated when others your age are away at college having fun and "partying" (seriously when I look at my life regrets, wishing I partied more isn't one of them). But still, having a job is better than just sitting at home on the internet or playing video games all day. If a 4 year school isn't an option look into at least going to community college and possibly transferring later. If your dad is helping you out financially but you feel guilty about it, getting assistance from him to get an education at a local community college won't feel as much as a guilt trip as asking for assistance in going to a university far away. Also, not everyone is going to be super close with their family. I'm not, except for my dog who is the only reason I ever drive the 3 hours back to my hometown in the first place, and I've been judged for it particularly by my younger brother, but I feel like they know I still love them even if I don't have to say it every day.

And there are lots of people who are 18 and never dated, especially those who came from a religious background and never really had the option to until turning 18 anyways. The good thing is your realizing now, instead of at 23 like I did, that you have difficulty picking up on basic social cues and don't realize when someone might be showing interest in you, etc. There's lots of resources on the internet on how to pick up on human behavior like this, believe me I've spent enough time alone in the past year or so that has given me time to learn that stuff. I just have to put myself in the position to actually meet people and initiate these actions. Just avoid pick-up forums because the language used on there is often crude, and will only hurt the self-esteem of guys who don't believe in that stuff even more.
thanks for the reply, yes I have graduated, and I do want to go to community college, but I dont think I am ready to decide what it is I want to go to college for. Its hard picking an occupation that will cost lots of money and time that may not even pay off in the end, as I have a hard time making decisions. for me I dont have the problem picking up on people's social cues. I have a very hard time acting on them. I feel like I can read others very well to be honest, just when somebody tries to do something in a loving way or an intimate way I just shut down for some reason and go into my mind like a turtle retreating to his shell. When im close to women who I feel I might make a connection with, I shut down when they try to become more than just friends. I think I like the IDEA of having someone to love, but its a connection that does not feel natural too me, it feels forced.
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 11-03-2016, 01:48 PM
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thanks for the reply, yes I have graduated, and I do want to go to community college, but I dont think I am ready to decide what it is I want to go to college for.
This is why I advocate starting out in community college or an easier state school and transferring in later. You can get the BS classes out the way at a much easier difficulty level while you figure out what I want to do. If you do decide to go to school don't be afraid to use your school's career resources, etc. Most counselors/advisors I've found are useless in terms of actually helping youfigure out what you want to do, but they can point you in the direction of resources you can use. And again, you're certainly not expected to know what you want to do for a career right now, we can't all be like my little brother who knew he wanted to work in the restaurant industry since he was in freaking elementary school, so don't stress about that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 247 View Post
for me I dont have the problem picking up on people's social cues. I have a very hard time acting on them. I feel like I can read others very well to be honest, just when somebody tries to do something in a loving way or an intimate way I just shut down for some reason and go into my mind like a turtle retreating to his shell. When im close to women who I feel I might make a connection with, I shut down when they try to become more than just friends. I think I like the IDEA of having someone to love, but its a connection that does not feel natural too me, it feels forced.
Try to remember what actions other people do make you shut down like that and figure out how to handle them in the future. Eventually if you have enough of these type of interactions you won't screw it up. Just because you can understand non-verbal cues doesn't mean the other person necessarily will so it helps to just be honest about it. Also if you have a friend you have feelings for and it doesn't work out and you end up losing the friendship, they weren't a good friend in the first place.
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