So I'll try to keep it short (it's hard, 3rd time I rewrite this);
I recently got a girlfriend. However she lives at a great distance from me, so meeting up is difficult.
I'm very bad at keeping contact over ze phone, but we're trying.
The reason I post it here is that idk if it is a part of sa or not.
So we got together after she visited me for a few weeks. At first, even though I recognized she was prolly flirting, I was very unsure and constantly took any small thing as "yeah she hates me/would never like me" and all that. Suicidal thoughts also the "I'm good for nobody", "I'm just bad in everything, why would anybody ever like me or appreciate me". All that general good stuff.
After a while we started to get a bit closer (in many ways), and to keep it short, after a while we decided that we are a pair (idk how it's usually put in englando..?)
Here's the thing; I was getting the feeling of "why would she like me" quite a lot constantly. It was occasionally hard to think she liked me even though it was very obvious and I had no reason to think she didn't (and I knew it, I also knew I should act like she did like me as I knew she did, but I just couldn't all the time, even though I tried to shake the feeling and act normal, on occasions she caught up and wen't "what's wrong, you're acting strange"). These feelings weren't constant, but rather came in sort of waves. (My mood downswings/suicidal thoughts usually do).
One of them made me go so passive/something that I started physically pushing her away when she tried to cuddle/make out, and she got mad (understandably). (We got into agreement after).
We haven't been apart for long (as she had to go back home), but I'm constantly getting the feelings of "she'll get tired of me, bla bla, why would she want to make the effort of keeping this alive as there's much better and easier options" etc...
And understandably this is followed by a barrage of feelings of worthlessness, just generally being **** and suicidal thoughts.
I've always thought of my depression episodes as part of my sa (which, for the record, has gotten better. Yay for that!)
But this is starting to be a bit overwhelming. I've had urges of self mutilation in the past, but I've Ignored them generally knowing it wouldn't solve anything or help at all.
In the past I've been afraid that I'd kms, and also seen it as the very likely future ending for my journeigh.
Currently, well... Let's just say it's worse as I'm afraid of losing her constantly.
They made me do the bdi test when I was diagnosed with sa, but I didn't score high enough (I actually scored quite perfectly to not have depression).
So idk. Can this be a part of sa? Should I go talk to someone(who? I can't really reach out to a psychologist now, but in a bit above 3 weeks I have a meeting set up due to school).
I don't really have friends to whom I can talk about this, as the only one I ever really opened up to about this stuff just kind of cut me off her social circle :S (No, not because I was negative or anything... She actually asked to talk with me at one point(after a long break in talking, which we used to do quite a bit), to which I agreed, but she postponed the meeting and hasn't answered since (I asked twice inside a month or two about the meeting, so it's not like I've been spamming her)...
Might be a bit rambling, but I felt like I needed to get that off and if someone can say something to either help the feelings or help in some other way, that's great
Edit: Just to add, I usually cope with the feelings by trying to be good and perfect; I serve others in a sense (Oh I can do that, it's fine. Can I help you..?). I also try to perform to my best (I also suffer of perfectionism), and rarely am happy with my achievements. (I also can't really bring myself forth, like I feel that talking about myself in any way (hobbies for example) is braggy/attention seeking)
Edit#2: I would also like to point out that I'm not really jealous or anything; It's more about thinking that I'm not good enough.