I don't even know anymore - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 08-07-2017, 01:05 PM Thread Starter
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I don't even know anymore


So I'll try to keep it short (it's hard, 3rd time I rewrite this);

I recently got a girlfriend. However she lives at a great distance from me, so meeting up is difficult.
I'm very bad at keeping contact over ze phone, but we're trying.

The reason I post it here is that idk if it is a part of sa or not.

So we got together after she visited me for a few weeks. At first, even though I recognized she was prolly flirting, I was very unsure and constantly took any small thing as "yeah she hates me/would never like me" and all that. Suicidal thoughts also the "I'm good for nobody", "I'm just bad in everything, why would anybody ever like me or appreciate me". All that general good stuff.

After a while we started to get a bit closer (in many ways), and to keep it short, after a while we decided that we are a pair (idk how it's usually put in englando..?)

Here's the thing; I was getting the feeling of "why would she like me" quite a lot constantly. It was occasionally hard to think she liked me even though it was very obvious and I had no reason to think she didn't (and I knew it, I also knew I should act like she did like me as I knew she did, but I just couldn't all the time, even though I tried to shake the feeling and act normal, on occasions she caught up and wen't "what's wrong, you're acting strange"). These feelings weren't constant, but rather came in sort of waves. (My mood downswings/suicidal thoughts usually do).

One of them made me go so passive/something that I started physically pushing her away when she tried to cuddle/make out, and she got mad (understandably). (We got into agreement after).

We haven't been apart for long (as she had to go back home), but I'm constantly getting the feelings of "she'll get tired of me, bla bla, why would she want to make the effort of keeping this alive as there's much better and easier options" etc...

And understandably this is followed by a barrage of feelings of worthlessness, just generally being **** and suicidal thoughts.
I've always thought of my depression episodes as part of my sa (which, for the record, has gotten better. Yay for that!)

But this is starting to be a bit overwhelming. I've had urges of self mutilation in the past, but I've Ignored them generally knowing it wouldn't solve anything or help at all.
In the past I've been afraid that I'd kms, and also seen it as the very likely future ending for my journeigh.
Currently, well... Let's just say it's worse as I'm afraid of losing her constantly.

They made me do the bdi test when I was diagnosed with sa, but I didn't score high enough (I actually scored quite perfectly to not have depression).

So idk. Can this be a part of sa? Should I go talk to someone(who? I can't really reach out to a psychologist now, but in a bit above 3 weeks I have a meeting set up due to school).
I don't really have friends to whom I can talk about this, as the only one I ever really opened up to about this stuff just kind of cut me off her social circle :S (No, not because I was negative or anything... She actually asked to talk with me at one point(after a long break in talking, which we used to do quite a bit), to which I agreed, but she postponed the meeting and hasn't answered since (I asked twice inside a month or two about the meeting, so it's not like I've been spamming her)...


Might be a bit rambling, but I felt like I needed to get that off and if someone can say something to either help the feelings or help in some other way, that's great


Edit: Just to add, I usually cope with the feelings by trying to be good and perfect; I serve others in a sense (Oh I can do that, it's fine. Can I help you..?). I also try to perform to my best (I also suffer of perfectionism), and rarely am happy with my achievements. (I also can't really bring myself forth, like I feel that talking about myself in any way (hobbies for example) is braggy/attention seeking)


Edit#2: I would also like to point out that I'm not really jealous or anything; It's more about thinking that I'm not good enough.

"If you need a safe space, see a therapist" - Jordan Peterson
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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 12-10-2017, 04:35 AM
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Yeah, understandable, you basically fear losing her. I used to feel like this always even when taking medication it wasn't any different. Sure I felt more important and like I could handle deserving this special person and I'm the best and he won't leave me. But this constant fear of losing that special person drove me to breaking up actually, strange how stuff works out. This constant feeling of worthlessness and low self esteem we experience already as part of social anxiety becomes a habit so when we get with someone we ask ourselves why would they be with us when we feel this way about ourselves. These thoughts about your shortcomings carry on to other parts of your life like girlfriends/jobs/and anything else that has you fighting to be part of something.

I've made many mistakes in my past and so many disasters came out of my distorted thinking. I remember actually asking this one guy I was with if he wanted to break up over and over again until he got sick and tired and gave in. I didn't know better, I just felt worthless and always thought he deserved better. I don't understand why we do this **** to ourselves after we live so long without anyone and then we choose to throw them away because we feel we don't deserve them. What about other people like normies, do they deserve this do they feel the same sometimes maybe? That's mostly why I was single for so long in my youth, I felt like no one would want me and I wouldn't want to be with anyone because they deserved better.

Just be with her for the time you have and know that we all have this feeling and thoughts that we don't want to lose them but at the same time we feel they deserve better. Since we feel so bad because of social anxiety for so long then it passes over to other parts of our lives and we do poorly in our relationships and jobs because of it. Try to find some value and get more out of life, realize that you're good enough to be with her and you deserve her. There may or may not be a break up but if there is it will be excruciating. Don't worry, and don't kys. Get up back on that horse and keep looking. Will you feel you don't deserve to be with the next one either? So then why did you look for her in the first place and now you want to throw her away!? Talk back to your bullying inner critic and set him straight, I bet he wants to see you alone and miserable again.

The perfectionism has to be cut down to half and pretty soon get rid of it and just be good enough. Good enough, that's it - let it go. Move on. You need to try to bring yourself forth and share your interests especially with friends and girlfriends that way you can find things in common and maybe go ice skating together if you both like it . That's how people get together and hang out, first they find their interests and then they share it together. Think that what you currently think you feel about something as being wrong and then do it the other way, the way you never did it before cuz you thought it was wrong which it wasn't.

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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 04-23-2018, 05:11 AM
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Is this girlfriend the one with the drinking problem? If that's so then you deserve better, don't be afraid to be single and take that time to find a girlfriend who is more like you. Don't you think it's better if your girlfriend wanted to stay in with you or to go out with you instead of going out to get herself drunk with alcohol? People with drinking problems are not stable and they do have a risk of cheating. There is always a risk for cheating when two people are not compatible. If she has a drinking problem and you do not then dump her and let her get a boyfriend with the same drinking problem as her.

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