I've been more dramatically depressed in the past, but recently I've been a bit down. I think it's a combination of loneliness and helplessness. We're undergoing "restructuring" at one of my jobs, and the whole process just reminds me how crappy my degree choice was, how I wasted my twenties being depressed, how I wasted my teens being stupid, how I can't find full-time work that allows me to be financially independent to even the smallest degree, and how I'm ultimately profoundly replaceable at my job, and that feeling transcends to how I feel comprehensively about myself, and my lack of value as a person. You ever been at a job where people only light up around people they know can get them ahead in their careers. Nobody lights up when they see me. They know I can offer them nothing. I have no influence over anyone or anything. And my response is not to try to prove myself like a normal person, but to shut down and give up. It's been five years at this job. If people don't value my work now why would they suddenly begin to now?
The only person that has been able to challenge that feeling of worthlessness is my boyfriend, and I don't really feel his influence much lately, and I wish I didn't need anyone at all to make me feel good about myself, but I've never been able to create that for myself. I sometimes feel positive self regard when I'm able to achieve or master things, but I don't have a lot of room for that working multiple part-time jobs where I'm viewed as equally disposable with little time to even aspire to achieve something marginal in my free time.
Anyway, the boyfriend has a tendency to cut me off when I'm talking, or tune me out, invite me over to just fall asleep while I'm at his place leaving me to just sit idly until I get the nerve to wake him up to tell him I'm leaving. He's usually great, but sometimes...so disappointing.
Just feeling empty and lacking agency. Floating through the universe like some errant earth trash :P