Help me, problem with girlfriend or with myself - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-12-2015, 04:32 AM Thread Starter
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Help me, problem with girlfriend or with myself


Hello,

I am guessing this will be a very long post, so thank you for reading it in advance by anybody.

I have been together with my girlfriend for 2 years. We are both 24 years old and we graduated together and now work together. She lives with her brother and I live with my brother and we are 1.5 hour apart, but I travel almost always to see her(including during work time of course)

My problem is - I would do anything for her: I buy her random presents, flowers without a reason (shes the reason actually), hold doors with her, give her the middle part of the pizza, help her with everything, pay vacations for both of us, etc.. She is my first girlfriend in 24 years and I really do love her. I am her 4 or 5th boyfriend. Even after two years I am still like the first day and always want to hug her, kiss her, cuddle, etc.

On the other hand she never initiated a kiss, never really gave up on something she liked for me( will get back to this later), acts like she is so independent and whenever i ask something or tell her tells me to not order her(even if i am not), tells me I hold her hand while we walk the whole time - i should let go a bit, tells me and even argues with me because i hold her door and hear coat, ...

Also, she is literally never interested in sex. We only have sex when her brother is out of town - once or twice per 3-4 months. So in total for 2 years we had sex like 20 times MAX. Even then, shes is not interested at all. I would have to beg her every night and sometimes she would just purely reject me telling me she has to sleep for 8 hours or just tell me she doesn't want it and goes to sleep. I feel like I am not attractive I just hate it to beg for sex.

This aside her parents are in another town - her hometown, so she goes there and visits them sometimes. These can be periods from 2 days to 2 weeks or even a month sometimes. Now, she has never invited me to visit her hometown in 2 years, and she hasn't introduced me to her father yet(no particular reason, but she is ashamed or think its not the time yet not sure). Whenever she is in her hometown she goes clubbing literally every single night, gets drunk and comes back 3-4 AM. I feel HORRIBLE when she goes to visit her hometown, because the amount of trust I need to have to her is unbearable - she is in a place where I have never been and where I do not know anybody with people I do not know clubbing. Also when she is there, as I've seen from pictures she always wears mini-skirts, tight skirts ect. Now I know it is normal to go out even when you have a boyfriend, but whenever she is with me in the town where we both live, she never wants to drink alcohol, never ever went out clubbing nor wanted, never wore any dress or skirt or anything (it is always jeans and a t-shirt). She once told me even that she doesn't like dressing too tight because boys pick up a lot there on her when she out and it made me feel..

I have talked to her that I don't like it when she is out every night, and when I did that, she got really mad and didn't even want to discuss it, told me straight away that it is unacceptable for her being forbidden not to go out and that no matter what i do or think she will go out with her friends/girlfriends. She was mad at me for 3-4 days and told all of her friends that I am saying that she goes out every night, even told her brother, who called me and told me that he understands me and not to worry that he has an eye on her and wouldn't allow anything to happen.
This made me feel miserable - I just expressed my feelings, didn't even forbid her or something I just wanted to talk, and she instantly told everybody how bad I am. She always keeps warning me that I shouldn't share any problems with anybody about us and I never do - i try to solve it directly with her. With her that's not the case, she is hiding it from me but, since I have some problem I've spied her chats with her friends and saw it..

She never gave me a reason not to trust her otherwise, except once when she lied to me about some boy, who wrote to her and send her a picture. It was some schoolmate and because I've never seen him since he hasn't contacted her ever, she was worried I would think it is somebody and deleted all the chats with him, but forgot to delete the pictures from the mobile he send to her. When I saw them, I tried asking her to check her pictures but promising me not to delete any. She raged at first telling me she has "private" pictures(wtf) and that she wont show it to me. When things got serious she agreed, but first deleted the pictures from the boy, while at the same time promising me that she wont delete a single picture. After I told her that I saw it and she promised me, but still did it, she broke and explained to me that she was worried I would think there is something between them, hence she did that. She seemed sincere so I believed her and everything was fine.
However my point is, she indeed can lie to me and hide things from me - she even did with some guy who has nothing to do with her. I can not imagine what will happen if its about some guy she has something with, ...

I have no friends at all, since I move too often in my life. And I know I've read and read about how to make friends, but I just can't find any. At work I have only 4 colleagues including my girlfriend and well they are not much into friendships either, they are just ... not the same. I don't see myself with them nor does my girlfriend. She on the other hand is extremely social which I think is not healthy either, but she almost never invites me to hang out when shes with other people. Literally every day after work she goes out and does something with someone (either me or some other people). She just can't stay at home...She has many other problems: lowest self esteem on Earth which I always have to boost, thinking she needs to be more sociable because her father tells her to, thinking she is not intelligent, panicking, bursts crying for nothing, and some other psychological problems I never understood but am always there when she needs to and talk with her even when it is hard for me I smile and try to cheer her up.

She is my one and only and all I have. In the past few months we've been arguing more, because in the past I always kept quiet and never protested against anything, just kept all in my self. Now I've started expressing my feelings and she often gets mad at me. So my relationship is kinda going in a bad way.

What is my problem, is the problem even within me, or is it my girlfriend?
I don't feel loved nor wanted, I have nobody to talk to when I need to, except her. And whenever she is out with someone else I feel miserable. Also I have so much trust issues.
I try to keep myself occupied - exercise, play the guitar, play the piano, read books, work, improve,... when I am alone, but still I feel so miserable.

Please help what can I do? Is my girlfriend my problem because of the way she behaves?

I cannot pay for a therapist, hence I am writing here.


Thank you so much and I am sorry for the huge post.


Dave
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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-12-2015, 06:27 AM
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I think it's perfectly normal to worry a bit that she is out clubbing without you, worried she might get with some other guy. Can you go clubbing with her sometime to help put your mind at rest?

If you don't have any friends outside of your girlfriend, that can put a lot of pressure on the other person, especially if you rely on them for happiness. Is it just the relationship leaving you feeling miserable? It might be worth seeing a doctor.

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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-13-2015, 08:12 PM
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I am so sorry to hear about how miserable things are right now, it sounds very unstable and a rollercoaster of emotions.

Honestly, I have somewhat of a personality difference with my lover as well. (Not anything that cannot be fixed with a bit of time and understanding of course on both of our parts) But the key is , BOTH parts of the couple have to be willing to work on the relationship. My lover is a hermit, and very interverted. I am very clingy and i need to be reassured (the SA and Anxiety and depression) so where He needs space I need closeness. I am afraid of stepping out of the house right now to find what interests me, but its what needs to happen or I will strangle our relationship. He needs to be more understanding that I need closeness and time together at times. So we are both working on this as a team.

As he has told me before in our conversations, A couple has to be made of TWO INDIVIDUALS with their own interests and their own independent beings or being a couple can be strangling, unhealthy and boring. And I tend to agree. But the individuals need to be a TEAM.

I think she needs to understand where your concerns are comming from. Your worry for her safety and for your own anxiety when she goes out as she does in her home town. If you want her to go do these things with you, this would be a good time to say so. Compliment her on how she looks when she dresses up, I know I love to dress up but when i am not noticed by my lover I tend to fall into the monotony of jeans and tanks and ponytails. I think we all like to feel unique but absolutely shining in our lovers eyes.

I hope you two can sit down and have a nice, adult conversation that starts to open the doors to a good working path for your relationship. Make sure you let her know you do not want her to feel tied down or like you are telling her what to do but you are concerned and you miss her and love her.

That includes sexually. After all , this is an adult topic that we ALL face througout our lives.


A good relationship does not mean the LACK of disagreements. But what you do as a couple to solve the problems. Goodluck!

Annoying Anxiety Quote #101 "It's all in your head" ... STFU....

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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-23-2015, 11:59 AM
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Hmm, I don't know where to start. But you asked for opinion, and here is mine: it's neither you nor her. You both have some issues (and who doesn't) but if you want to be with her, you both need to work through those.

When sex is concerned, it's a very complex issue. She can have a reason for not being so interested in sex (like previous abuse), or lack of sex drive(from depression or from a lot of other things). Or it may simply be an issue of the 2 of you have problems in general. When you aren't as connected to your partner mentally, sometimes it can be hard wanting to connect physically, because there is all the mental issues between you. Physical closeness is always better when there is emotional connection. So that one the two of you have to figure out. But that one is most probably not about you directly(i.e. her rejecting you). She is still with you, right? If she didn't want you anymore, you said she is social, she wouldn't have issue. But you're still together, so it's probably one of the other things I listen or another reason altogether. Sex is about connection, not only attraction, so I know it's hard, but don't take that personally, rather have a rational discussion with her about it.

You said you do a lot for her, and that's not returned- think back on when you first met...has it always been like that or not?

Hmm, as far as clubbing go, I would think when you talked to her, you didn't quite find the right words to express how you feel. From what you say she sound the way I was at some point, independent to point of being defensive, and that would mean the worst thing you can do is doubt her openly. That for her is you not trusting her. Now, you may not have been clubbing much, but when people get clubbing they do get dressed up. And that has nothing to do with picking up other people(not always). You just want to sometimes get dressed up and feel good and just loose yourself in the music.

Now why she doesn't like doing it where you live and does it when she goes home, who knows. May be it's part of who she was back then, so when she visits home she meets with friends with which they like doing that? But you have to be able to trust her on that one. Going with her by the way will probably only makes things worse if you're doing it to check on her.

Someone said that if you don't have many friends and just her, that's demanding a lot out of relationship and I agree. She can't be your whole world, of course that would lead to a lot of jealousy. The happier you are on your own, the better you will be in a relationship. As far as friends go, I know it's hard. Being lonely can get very ugly very fast, and having a partner doesn't save you from that feeling.

Finding friends isn't like order from a store, go there, do that and you're set...It will take some trial and error. But you mentioned you have a lot of interests, that already puts you on the way of some great friendships. You only need to work on 2 things: putting yourself out there(and not one time but many different times in different places) and on being more open and social so you don't feel awkward in interractions. Both things need effort, but you can do it. It will be scary,especially trying to find friends and feeling like you are failing, but it will happen eventually. So keep trying.
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-23-2015, 12:29 PM
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This is the problem with SA. When we finally get a partner we stick to them even if it's a bad situation.

OP - get out, have some self respect.

It's a one sided relationship, mostly your effort with everything, her barely doing anything for you. And her having secret stuff going on the side with other guys and going out clubbing.

And the sex - 20 times in 2 years? Should be twenty times in one month, have a partner with a strong sex drive who finds you attractive and wants you as much as you want them. If she is not even willing to communicate why she has no drive and never initiates ... what can you do? It's hopeless. And even on the rare chance you get it, how good is it f***ing a person who doesn't even get into it with you and just lays there, like it's some sort of pity f***?

I can understand lonely desperation, wanting to have anyone. Initially. But there comes a time when you have to wake up to reality and realize it's not a good match and you're not going to be happy. What keeps you clinging on, fear of not finding anyone else again? Having some idealistic vision of her that makes you overlook all the bad things?
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-23-2015, 02:14 PM
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What positives is she bringing into your life? There are a lot of valid complaints on here.

Always happy to talk to folks!
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-23-2015, 02:37 PM
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Nobody should hold onto someone out of fear of being alone. You found someone, you'll find someone else. So, if you're not getting what you need from such a young relationship on such a precarious footing, you need to discuss your needs to feel fulfilled and give time for improvement, or you need to move on. She has the same rights, as well.

I'm not a fan of how disposable relationships seem these days, so I'm not suggesting anything rash. Your concerns are valid and her behaviors, may not necessarily be abnormal, but may not be the best match for you who wants someone who appreciates a deeper sense of emotional and physical connection than she does.

But, don't torture yourself to rescue this...you're young...you'll find love elsewhere.
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