I am guessing this will be a very long post, so thank you for reading it in advance by anybody.
I have been together with my girlfriend for 2 years. We are both 24 years old and we graduated together and now work together. She lives with her brother and I live with my brother and we are 1.5 hour apart, but I travel almost always to see her(including during work time of course)
My problem is - I would do anything for her: I buy her random presents, flowers without a reason (shes the reason actually), hold doors with her, give her the middle part of the pizza, help her with everything, pay vacations for both of us, etc.. She is my first girlfriend in 24 years and I really do love her. I am her 4 or 5th boyfriend. Even after two years I am still like the first day and always want to hug her, kiss her, cuddle, etc.
On the other hand she never initiated a kiss, never really gave up on something she liked for me( will get back to this later), acts like she is so independent and whenever i ask something or tell her tells me to not order her(even if i am not), tells me I hold her hand while we walk the whole time - i should let go a bit, tells me and even argues with me because i hold her door and hear coat, ...
Also, she is literally never interested in sex. We only have sex when her brother is out of town - once or twice per 3-4 months. So in total for 2 years we had sex like 20 times MAX. Even then, shes is not interested at all. I would have to beg her every night and sometimes she would just purely reject me telling me she has to sleep for 8 hours or just tell me she doesn't want it and goes to sleep. I feel like I am not attractive I just hate it to beg for sex.
This aside her parents are in another town - her hometown, so she goes there and visits them sometimes. These can be periods from 2 days to 2 weeks or even a month sometimes. Now, she has never invited me to visit her hometown in 2 years, and she hasn't introduced me to her father yet(no particular reason, but she is ashamed or think its not the time yet not sure). Whenever she is in her hometown she goes clubbing literally every single night, gets drunk and comes back 3-4 AM. I feel HORRIBLE when she goes to visit her hometown, because the amount of trust I need to have to her is unbearable - she is in a place where I have never been and where I do not know anybody with people I do not know clubbing. Also when she is there, as I've seen from pictures she always wears mini-skirts, tight skirts ect. Now I know it is normal to go out even when you have a boyfriend, but whenever she is with me in the town where we both live, she never wants to drink alcohol, never ever went out clubbing nor wanted, never wore any dress or skirt or anything (it is always jeans and a t-shirt). She once told me even that she doesn't like dressing too tight because boys pick up a lot there on her when she out and it made me feel..
I have talked to her that I don't like it when she is out every night, and when I did that, she got really mad and didn't even want to discuss it, told me straight away that it is unacceptable for her being forbidden not to go out and that no matter what i do or think she will go out with her friends/girlfriends. She was mad at me for 3-4 days and told all of her friends that I am saying that she goes out every night, even told her brother, who called me and told me that he understands me and not to worry that he has an eye on her and wouldn't allow anything to happen.
This made me feel miserable - I just expressed my feelings, didn't even forbid her or something I just wanted to talk, and she instantly told everybody how bad I am. She always keeps warning me that I shouldn't share any problems with anybody about us and I never do - i try to solve it directly with her. With her that's not the case, she is hiding it from me but, since I have some problem I've spied her chats with her friends and saw it..
She never gave me a reason not to trust her otherwise, except once when she lied to me about some boy, who wrote to her and send her a picture. It was some schoolmate and because I've never seen him since he hasn't contacted her ever, she was worried I would think it is somebody and deleted all the chats with him, but forgot to delete the pictures from the mobile he send to her. When I saw them, I tried asking her to check her pictures but promising me not to delete any. She raged at first telling me she has "private" pictures(wtf) and that she wont show it to me. When things got serious she agreed, but first deleted the pictures from the boy, while at the same time promising me that she wont delete a single picture. After I told her that I saw it and she promised me, but still did it, she broke and explained to me that she was worried I would think there is something between them, hence she did that. She seemed sincere so I believed her and everything was fine.
However my point is, she indeed can lie to me and hide things from me - she even did with some guy who has nothing to do with her. I can not imagine what will happen if its about some guy she has something with, ...
I have no friends at all, since I move too often in my life. And I know I've read and read about how to make friends, but I just can't find any. At work I have only 4 colleagues including my girlfriend and well they are not much into friendships either, they are just ... not the same. I don't see myself with them nor does my girlfriend. She on the other hand is extremely social which I think is not healthy either, but she almost never invites me to hang out when shes with other people. Literally every day after work she goes out and does something with someone (either me or some other people). She just can't stay at home...She has many other problems: lowest self esteem on Earth which I always have to boost, thinking she needs to be more sociable because her father tells her to, thinking she is not intelligent, panicking, bursts crying for nothing, and some other psychological problems I never understood but am always there when she needs to and talk with her even when it is hard for me I smile and try to cheer her up.
She is my one and only and all I have. In the past few months we've been arguing more, because in the past I always kept quiet and never protested against anything, just kept all in my self. Now I've started expressing my feelings and she often gets mad at me. So my relationship is kinda going in a bad way.
What is my problem, is the problem even within me, or is it my girlfriend?
I don't feel loved nor wanted, I have nobody to talk to when I need to, except her. And whenever she is out with someone else I feel miserable. Also I have so much trust issues.
I try to keep myself occupied - exercise, play the guitar, play the piano, read books, work, improve,... when I am alone, but still I feel so miserable.
Please help what can I do? Is my girlfriend my problem because of the way she behaves?
I cannot pay for a therapist, hence I am writing here.
Thank you so much and I am sorry for the huge post.