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-   -   Getting too attached to people? (https://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f33/getting-too-attached-to-people-118812/)

justin99 03-18-2011 10:14 PM

Getting too attached to people?
 
Lately I've started to realize that I get overly-attached to people, and I feel as though no one thinks much of me. This problem is starting to bother me to the point where it seems like a main contributor to my depression. These strong feelings of attachment seem to start when I first make plans with a new friend. This happened the other day when I invited a girl I met recently over to my house. We planned on watching a movie, but instead ended up talking, for hours. We both seemed to relate on many levels. It was the first time I've felt genuinely happy, even secure, in a couple of weeks since I went through a rough breakup. But after she went home, I felt lost, and familiar feelings of worthlessness began crawling back into me. I started thinking about how much she really sparked my interest, and how much I just wanted to get to know her better, wondering at the same time if she thought half as much of me. Since then, we've been talking through texting, facebook, etc, but she just hasn't seemed to act the same as she did that day she came over, which is bothering me just too much. We made plans to hang out again, but she made it clear that she didn't want to anymore when our other two friends cancelled, which made me feel like she was already bored of me, or I upset her or something. I just can't stop thinking about her, the next time I can see her, and so on. I also can't stop wondering what she thinks about me, and I think attaching myself to her and other friends is my way of just trying to be accepted. But it never feels like I'm getting anything out of it except for stress and depression.

So I have this attachment problem with almost everyone I meet. There just seems to be a place in me for everyone. I think this problem was first brought up in me as a result of the many times I've lost best friends due to moving all over the US. Since those years of losing friends, I've always been so desperate to have just one genuine friendship with someone who I know I can rely on.

So I wanted to know if anyone else has problems with becoming strongly attached to others, while feeling pathetic for it. I'd just like to relate to someone, and I would be so thankful to get a bit of advice to help me through this disorder.

fuggitman 03-18-2011 11:07 PM

I also have this problem. For me, at least, I think it's a symptom of not really having anybody in my life. Aside from family, I have nobody--hardly any acquaintances and no friends or significant other(s). So, when somebody does enter my life and seems to want to stick around, I sometimes get overly excited, because it's such a rare occurrence. And because it is so rare for me, whether or not I'm conscious of it, I attach a lot of importance to the newfound relationship. It's a problem if other people don't also see things the same way, which they rarely do, because, well, I don't meet too many crazies like myself. So I have to balance my craving for attention and not wanting to come off as clingy, which is tough, but I'm rarely fortunate enough to find myself in that position anyway. Furthermore, if there isn't equal investment in the relationship by both of parties, if/when they decide they're done with me, it hurts a lot.

justin99 03-18-2011 11:19 PM

I understand you completely. I think I used to come off as clingy, but I've quickly changed that recently, to where I'm a bit more reserved around others. That only seems to make matters worse though, because the thoughts about what they might think of me increase tenfold. In addition to this, I come off as someone with not much of a personality, which makes it very hard to establish friendships. It's very hard to remain socially active/interesting when there's no guidelines to tell you if you're trying too hard or not enough to make an impact on someone.

Lachlan 03-29-2011 06:43 PM

I think its a result of not being social enough.

Jessie203 03-29-2011 07:51 PM

^ Yeah I agree with that

fictionz 04-14-2011 09:52 PM

Sort of. I went for a subject field trip last year which lasted a week with my classmates, which made me feel really happy with them within that short period. I don't think they ever thought that much of that trip or me, that the trip is just a compulsory thing and it passes by and I am just a classmate... but I felt really fond of them after that and I missed the trip and the experience very much. Even when during those times I didn't talk to them much, I was just with them, silently and they were like amazed at how quiet I was while they're all really friendly with each other (they've known each other longer and had always been good friends among themselves). They all moved on happily afterwards and I who never spoke with them much within that 1 week time, eventually had to move on myself, knowing from then on I won't be around them that much anymore and none of us will really talk about our trip anymore. I miss my classmates and the fun trip, lol :) I have accepted it though. I was too attached to the good times I had with them within the time of that trip, although I don't appear like it.

Atomicsteph 04-15-2011 04:13 PM

I definitely have an attachment problem. Right now, and for the past 3 years, it's been with my boyfriend. I noticed I had a problem before then when I would get attached to any guy I dated. For some reason it's only with guys I'm dating and not friends. I don't have many close friends so I guess that could be part of it. I wish I could get over it because it prevents me from doing so many things.

JimmyDeansRetartedCousin 04-15-2011 04:25 PM

This is something I'm trying to deal with, I'm pretty aware of my general over excitment when I'm being phatically amiable. I've just learned to curb it somewhat.

It's filling the balance in needs with genuinely fulfilling relationships that's the hard part!

Especially when you're nervous..

But it's definitely possible for me, I just need to be a lot more pro-social.

Moony 04-16-2011 07:58 PM

I do that to, I get overly attached to everyone.

Doni 04-29-2011 11:37 AM

Yeesss sir i def agree with that. I walk around everywhere being open and friendly to people even when they dont open back up to me. The the thing i hate is that its not that i dont like talking to people but when i do it, right after i feel bad and cant stop thinking about it, like i did something wrong to myself its weird. I've always been attached to people since young but i used to have control over it. I always kept a close circle of friends, a few guys i hang out with that really know me. Now all my friends grown up and moved on, started relationships and got their own places. Im still stuck at my crib with my mother, grandmother and annoying sister (who also suffers from mental illness but isnt open about it). Nowadays my attachments to people is out of control im all gushy and soft to everybody i meet, its annoying. The real reason why i do that is because of being single for over 2years. I kno if i met a girl similar to me with my same issues it would prob go away and i will get that feeling of warmth and connectness that i havent felt in a long time. IDK all my friends say im a loverboy and its prob gonna b the death of me but i cant help it, I am truelly from the bottom of my heart a "romantic," till the day i die. Some of my boys advise me to make myself feel better to treat girls like **** but i cant. Thats who I am I have a natural respect for people, even when they treat me like ****. I might be mad at that person and want to hurt them, but I always refrain myself from going out of character and calling a girl a ***** or curse them out. I always choose to swallow whatever pain and move on, show love to somebody else. So yea i too get to attached to people, it started off with women from puberty, but now at 23 its with everybody. Its almost kind of impulsive, Maybe its a disease who knows everything is a disease now. What i really feel is the cure for alot of people on this site is to just find love, one person or thing that makes u dont care about nothing or nobody else, and be able to share what precious time you share with that person and dont worry about nobody else or death or insanity and just enjoy every day like its ur last.

GunnyHighway 04-29-2011 11:42 AM

It's hard to not become attatched to people who are your friends, when they're so few and far between. I know this is a huge problem I have and it really hurts at times, trying to get close to someone only to have them disappear...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doni (Post 1058968235)
IDK all my friends say im a loverboy and its prob gonna b the death of me but i cant help it, I am truelly from the bottom of my heart a "romantic," till the day i die. Some of my boys advise me to make myself feel better to treat girls like **** but i cant. Thats who I am I have a natural respect for people, even when they treat me like ****. I might be mad at that person and want to hurt them, but I always refrain myself from going out of character and calling a girl a ***** or curse them out. I always choose to swallow whatever pain and move on, show love to somebody else.

People on this forum seem to be able to explain my thoughts better than I can.

avoidobot3000 04-29-2011 11:57 AM

Quote:

I think this problem was first brought up in me as a result of the many times I've lost best friends due to moving all over the US. Since those years of losing friends, I've always been so desperate to have just one genuine friendship with someone who I know I can rely on.
Im no psychologist but, I have to agree with this theory, I've noticed clingy-ness in people, myself included, who have lost someone through death, painful break-up, divorced parents, moving etc. Because losing someone can create a massive void that you feel desperate to fill. You've just got to try and dial it down a bit.. not everyone that talks to you for ages wants to be your best friend don't take it personally.. sometimes they are just good talkers or friendly/polite. Have patience, good friendships take time.

Freiheit 04-29-2011 12:43 PM

I get too attached to people...what's worse is that I actually trick myself into thinking that we are actually friends when that isn't so, since they only talk to me once in a blue moon...I think people want to do stuff with me only as a last resort but when someone else comes along, they're happy to ditch me...This is why I sort of gave up on having friends...

Donnie in the Dark 04-29-2011 12:48 PM

we all want really badly to properly connect with people- everyone does, and being sensitive and awkward socially I think exacerbates this. Its hard not to get carried away as soon as you have a decent time with someone.Leads to disappointment later, but...

"Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."

(Tennyson)

Vip3r 05-02-2011 10:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Olazet91 (Post 1058968354)
I get too attached to people...what's worse is that I actually trick myself into thinking that we are actually friends when that isn't so, since they only talk to me once in a blue moon...I think people want to do stuff with me only as a last resort but when someone else comes along, they're happy to ditch me...This is why I sort of gave up on having friends...

:ditto

xtina 05-02-2011 10:53 PM

YES. i'm "seeing" a guy for the first time in my life. we've only been doing this for a little over a month and i feel like we've known each other for forever - he's actually the one that said "we're getting way too attached to each other" mehhhhhh :/ i'm scared. he's leaving soon on a road trip across the country - he assures me he wants to be with me when he comes back, says he might even take me on vacation somewhere, but i'm so afraid of losing him..

done rambling.

cindy8701 05-05-2011 06:50 PM

i know exactly how you feel
 
Hey justin99
I know exactly how you feel, i have the same problem.
When I meet a new person I instantly become attached to them. I feel as though I have the potential to love this person (whoever it is at the time) wholly and unconditionally, despite there faults and flaws, in my eyes they are perfect and I treat them as such. I become addicted to them, needing their constant attention and reassurance.
This attachment problem has obviously caused me alot of problems in relationships, in one relationship- caused me to be used, as he could see this all unfolding and abused it, having me basically pay for everything, his rent, drug habit etc. In my last 'relationship' in ended it, it was long distance and so obviously most of our communication was internet/phone based. It got to the point that I would get upset and feel abandoned when he had to get off the phone, despite talking for several hours.

Despite being obviously aware of these problems I can't seem to break the behavioural cycle, it seems as though I can only value people at the two extremes, either not at all, or they are my entire world. And when they leave my world shatters

I think it is because I really don't have anyone else in my life, no real friends or family, no other social support. So they instantly take on all of those roles.

It is somewhat comforting to see that I am not the only person suffering in this way.

Paragon 05-06-2011 05:18 PM

Hmm i know how this feels too. Definitely because there's not enough people in my life. When i have a few plans and one falls through it doesn't bother me as much. I've only felt like someone was more attached to me than them maybe once or twice in my life.

lonely metalhead 05-06-2011 05:22 PM

I have this same problem I'm glad other people know what I'm going thru I have lost alot of friends cuz of it

BoAKaN 05-06-2011 08:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fuggitman (Post 1058882912)
I also have this problem. For me, at least, I think it's a symptom of not really having anybody in my life. Aside from family, I have nobody--hardly any acquaintances and no friends or significant other(s). So, when somebody does enter my life and seems to want to stick around, I sometimes get overly excited, because it's such a rare occurrence. And because it is so rare for me, whether or not I'm conscious of it, I attach a lot of importance to the newfound relationship. It's a problem if other people don't also see things the same way, which they rarely do, because, well, I don't meet too many crazies like myself. So I have to balance my craving for attention and not wanting to come off as clingy, which is tough, but I'm rarely fortunate enough to find myself in that position anyway. Furthermore, if there isn't equal investment in the relationship by both of parties, if/when they decide they're done with me, it hurts a lot.

This is pretty much exactly what I would have said about myself.
I actually had a moment just recently where I got hurt after being too attached to someone too quickly. It's a horrible feeling...


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