Getting emotionally attached to people too easily - Page 3 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #41 of 273 (permalink) Old 02-28-2012, 02:55 PM
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Originally Posted by missjenny View Post
I think I may have dependency issues as well from being deprived of having lasting friendships and relationships. I get excited whenever I venture into a new friendship, but it also causes me a great deal of suffering because I feel constant anxiety. Part of me believes they won't stick around, and often they don't.

I put so much hope into others that it leaves me feeling severely depressed when a separation occurs. If someone doesn't call when they say they will I get very sad and think they won't call me ever again, or I'll never hear from them again. It's a tormenting process.
Yeah I have this, and I constantly pressure myself to deliver.. interesting, valuable conversation. I have a name to what I always knew was there: Codependency / BPD, well, codependency is kinda the central element, for me. Neglect from when I was young, actual learned patterns are: people will disappear from my life. So.. I've ended up always striving to be this perfect person. (And I'm waiting, looking to be proven I'm not worthy of attention) Because mommy never loved me. lol.

..but now I really feel at ease that I know who I am, and it's okay to be this. I feel a lot more honest.. or something.

Each day it's a hypothalamus that wakes up and a sex organ that gets horny, but a man that thinks it's himself.
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post #42 of 273 (permalink) Old 02-28-2012, 05:00 PM
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post #43 of 273 (permalink) Old 02-28-2012, 05:02 PM
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used to have same problem OP

believe it or not, though, you do have the power of IDGAF

"IDGAF!? what is this power!?" you ask,

its the power of your own mind to decide what it does or doesnt care about

Behavior but flows from thought as thought flows from belief
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post #44 of 273 (permalink) Old 02-28-2012, 05:04 PM
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Yeah. IDGAF is the best.
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post #45 of 273 (permalink) Old 03-02-2012, 12:36 PM
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I'm like this too. I've always wondered why I just figured it was because I can't make friends.
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post #46 of 273 (permalink) Old 03-02-2012, 12:48 PM
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Yeah... I do this a lot. Luckily enough for me, there's not a ton of people willing to buddy up to me because I hardly ever have anything they could want. I guess that makes the ones that do bother with being nice to me leave a lot more of a mark though. The downside being: It doesn't happen as often, so I end up smothering them. This is why I hold myself back now when I start talking to someone new. I have so much more to say to them because they make me feel comfortable, but it turns everyone off of the idea of being around me at all.
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post #47 of 273 (permalink) Old 03-09-2012, 02:17 AM
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Hey, just caught this forum thread on a random search.

I'm 40 now and always thought I was alone with this. I don't feel so needy, but I still find myself getting attached to people that intersect my life ever so briefly. In particular, caregivers and people of authority.

The latest? The dental student who has been seeing me for the past few months and tending to me as a patient is about to graduate in a couple of weeks and, while I can rationalize that I'm stressed because I can't continue my unfinished care with the one who started the program with me, the reality is I'm going to miss her altogether.

I have one more appointment with her next week, and I don't even know what to say at the end of it...and it crushes me because I know it's all my drama and nobody else's.
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post #48 of 273 (permalink) Old 03-09-2012, 08:53 AM
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I think I used to be like this. These days though I'm pretty emotionally distant towards people ^^ being indifferent does help towards the lack of drama in my life now at least xD
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post #49 of 273 (permalink) Old 03-09-2012, 04:53 PM
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The dental student who has been seeing me for the past few months and tending to me as a patient is about to graduate in a couple of weeks and, while I can rationalize that I'm stressed because I can't continue my unfinished care with the one who started the program with me, the reality is I'm going to miss her altogether.
Yeah I've done that before.. this is what makes it difficult for me to do, pretty much anything. I'll be so upset by a loss. I can see now that if I'd had friends at the time I was in a situation just like this.. a dentist.. why I might not find that valuable in particular in the first place.

Each day it's a hypothalamus that wakes up and a sex organ that gets horny, but a man that thinks it's himself.
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post #50 of 273 (permalink) Old 03-10-2012, 11:25 AM
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You know how much I hate having this... A LOT! It's weird cause I don't want to have it and know it's wrong but it just happens...
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post #51 of 273 (permalink) Old 03-10-2012, 01:05 PM
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I get emotionally attached to girls really easily. Examples:

- I got emotionally attached to female cousins on at least two separate occasions (in a non-creepy way
). I hardly ever see them because they live on the other side of the world, and even when I see them I hardly talk. But my interactions with them have probably been the most extensive female interactions I've ever had (other than my sister and mother). So both times, after I left to go back home, I started feeling sad and thinking about them a lot. The jet lag didn't help.

- In undergrad I was renting a room in a house with a couple of friends, and there was also a girl living there. On the morning of the day I moved out to live with my parents again, the crazy landlord woman went berserk at this girl because she had complained about something, and I heard it all. When I got back later that day, the girl came into my room and told me what happened and how crazy the landlord was. It felt like we were under heavy fire and we were supporting each other. It was just an ordinary conversation to her, but I definitely started feeling kind of 'connected' to her. All the other tenants were out so I was the only one there on her side. After that, the landlord woman started up again, screaming and throwing things at the girl, all while I was trying to move my stuff out of the house. The girl called the police because the woman was out of control. I stuck around until they got there so I could protect her if necessary. But I could feel an emotional attachment to this girl for weeks afterward, even though I wasn't attracted to her at all until that day.
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post #52 of 273 (permalink) Old 03-10-2012, 01:53 PM
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It's normal to attach to other people. The average person has family members and friends that fill attachment needs. People with SA don't tend to have many close bonds with others, so it's easy to dwell on what little you get.

I find that I get attached to people very easily as well. I start "falling in love" with them, but it's not in a romantic way. I just start liking the familiarity, and I feel affectionate towards them (male and female). When my sister broke up with her boyfriend, I felt sad that I would probably never see him again, or not in the same way.
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post #53 of 273 (permalink) Old 03-14-2012, 10:21 AM
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I think I have the opposite problem. As much as I love my friends, I never allow myself to get excessively emotionally attached to anyone... if that makes any sense (which I don't think it does). If something happened to them, I would die (but that's different, way different). I find it easy to cut people out of my life without really looking back. After I've spent too much time with someone, I feel the need to move on. I guess I can be pretty aloof. I don't know why that is. Well, I think it's in part because my family moved around a lot when I was a kid... as soon as I became good friends with someone... we would move so I've gotten used to the idea.
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post #54 of 273 (permalink) Old 03-14-2012, 12:37 PM
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Yeah, unfortunately I do. It must be the lack of friends thing. I'm a sucker for anyone who's nice to me. But if they stop being nice, I do a complete 180 and can't even bring myself to be civil to them. I don't know why I let myself get hurt like that.
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post #55 of 273 (permalink) Old 03-15-2012, 10:17 AM
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i hate getting emotionally attached to people so easily. it makes me sad and mad at the same time when i lose contact with that person. worse when they dont even try to connect with me anymore. i feel so pathetic and alone.
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post #56 of 273 (permalink) Old 03-15-2012, 10:18 AM
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^ reconnect
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post #57 of 273 (permalink) Old 03-16-2012, 12:24 AM
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Hi..I only just found this forum but can't help replying to this thread. This is totally me. Or was me. I'm 26 yr old female by the way.

I was a really clingy child who always had a 24/7 best friend - one friend was all i really wanted or needed at any one time.
When i was 16 my best friend and I a fall-out and I suddenly felt lonely and craved meaningful emotionally close relationships. I decided to make friends. I'd never tried to make a friend in my life. I pretty much went about it like a 5 year old. I met this girl and pretty much got obsessed with her. So bad that I pretty much crushed on her. I wanted her to be my new best friend. For like 2 years I tried to make her my best friend and I put her through so much crap - argh all that pressure. And she was never brave enough to say, "I just don't want to be close to you."

I did this with numerous friends - probably 10 best friends over 10 years. I realised at some point that people hated it. They don't want the expectation and pressure heaped on them - after a few years I tried to hide the desire while getting to know them - but they could sense it. I'm easy to read. They could feel the pressure radiating from me :-/ I went through so many friends and totally people-pleased them to make them love me, poured so much of myself into them, so much time, emotion, caring, countless emails, texting them every few days, etc. In the last few years it was me caring for them. It was totally exhausting and i had some fulfilling friendships but they didn't last long because they were forced and unnatural.

Not long ago, I realised that people don't really do 24/7 friends. Most of my friends are just trying to get on with their lives and don't really want to be bothered with intense committed friendships. Almost as intense as boy-girl relationships. Several friends told me that I was seeking a type of friendship that didn't actually exist.. I could never be close enough to a girl. To get close enough to satisfy me i'd pretty much have to be married to one :-/
I pretty much stopped having close friends and got on with my life. I have a husband so I do have that friendship intimacy there. Now i don't call anyone my 'best friend' but I do have friends. I've started having good adult friends - 30 - 45 yr olds. There's not the same pressure there. But with girls my age I know that deep down I will want that unacheivable intimacy if I let myself go down that trail. Even though i know its wrong. Girls my age are starting to reach out to me and i've naturally got close to them. But it's scary, I'm so scared of getting emotionally attached to them. I actually told my friend this and she said "Don't worry, I don't do best friends."

I also do better if I don't watch tv shows with girls being best friends cause it makes me want that.

I wish i could find the balance - wish I could stop avoiding close friendships so that I don't get clingy and make someone's life difficult or be an annoying friend!

Oops that was a really long post. Oh well, someone might relate
(actually i'm thinking sorry for the long post, you're all going to be annoyed now, but here's me trying to come across as non-people pleasing. sigh)
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post #58 of 273 (permalink) Old 05-11-2012, 07:29 AM
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Awww I just typed a huge post and lost it :-( I relate to all of this.
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post #59 of 273 (permalink) Old 05-12-2012, 02:57 PM
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I definitely understand what many of you are talking about because I always get attached to people, and then suddenly don't want anything to do with them. And I do way too much for my friends to try to make sure they'll still be friends with me.
This is the worst part about my anxiety. It makes it impossible to have relationships and I don't know if I should force myself to see people that I don't want to be around or if I should let myself avoid them.
It's really pathetic >>

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post #60 of 273 (permalink) Old 05-13-2012, 08:51 PM
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PianoTeacher, I can relate with you alot. I'll be 26 next month. As a child, I only needed one friend, and that was a best friend. I recently ran into my old best friend's mom. Her mom told me that we were super close. So close that we would hold hands at every chance we got. That was 2nd grade. I also remember in highschool after I started dating my first boyfriend that I could not maintain my friendship with my best friend and the relationship I had with my boyfriend at the same time. I've almost always only been able to handle one friendship, and I've always been very emotionally attached to that one person. I have people that will refer to me as a friend, but we only talk or hang out once in a blue moon, and I just don't really feel connected to them..and I would consider that closer to an acquaintance than a friend.

I became best friends with a girl, who I pretty much fell in love with the day that I met her (note that this DOES NOT normally happen to me...I do get clingy, but I am very selective and it usually takes me a long time to trust them before I get attached). I connected with her on so many levels, and my personality poured out when I was with her. It happened quickly and felt very natural. Generally, I find it very difficult to be myself around people, so it felt amazing to connect with someone that understood my humor, and seemingly accepted me for me. We are no longer friends due to many things, and most people I talk to that knew her (and didnt know her) tell me she is a sociopath. Yeah, buddy, I know how to choose them. But the sad thing is that I still desire what we had...so I'm kind of afraid that I will end up in a similar situation again.

I think my concept of friendship is very skewed because, I, too, have expectations for friendships that just don't seem to exist in real life. And I also have been hurt a lot.

You said that a lot of your friendships didn't last because they were unnatural. I think my relationship with others is naturally unnatural, if you will. I grew up in a dysfunctional home, and a lot of my social interaction is forced because if it was not forced it would not be existant at all. Isolation comes much easier to me than connecting with others does.

I am also a people pleaser. And I lack boundaries. I will help people and help people...and help people...but literally, I could save your life, and then when I'm in the hospital due to medical complications, you (the "friend") would not be there for me. This exact situation (and others like it) has happened to me over and over again. And frankly, I feel and know that it is my own fault.

The thing that is bothering me the most right now is the fact that I really have no friends and I am not very close to anyone in my family. Like, a lot of people I see on a daily basis talk to their family everyday, text friends and family everyday, etc. They seem to have some sort of functioning relationships (whether they are healthy or dysfunctional I don't know), but I feel like I'm living life without any meaningful relationships. I get bored and uninterested with people a lot, and I just don't feel a sense of belonging a lot of the time. This is why I find it very disturbing that when I DO connect with someone on a rare occasion, and develop what I feel is trust with them, I get super attached emotionally. It's like I go from one extreme to another. I have issues with balancing things out in most areas of my life.

I know everything I wrote is kind of a giant cluster*****...welcome to my brain. I just thought I'd share because I have a strong desire to understand myself, and I am glad that there are other people out there, struggling with similar issues, that also want to learn more about themselves.


-Katie



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Originally Posted by pianoteacher33 View Post
Hi..I only just found this forum but can't help replying to this thread. This is totally me. Or was me. I'm 26 yr old female by the way.

I was a really clingy child who always had a 24/7 best friend - one friend was all i really wanted or needed at any one time.
When i was 16 my best friend and I a fall-out and I suddenly felt lonely and craved meaningful emotionally close relationships. I decided to make friends. I'd never tried to make a friend in my life. I pretty much went about it like a 5 year old. I met this girl and pretty much got obsessed with her. So bad that I pretty much crushed on her. I wanted her to be my new best friend. For like 2 years I tried to make her my best friend and I put her through so much crap - argh all that pressure. And she was never brave enough to say, "I just don't want to be close to you."

I did this with numerous friends - probably 10 best friends over 10 years. I realised at some point that people hated it. They don't want the expectation and pressure heaped on them - after a few years I tried to hide the desire while getting to know them - but they could sense it. I'm easy to read. They could feel the pressure radiating from me :-/ I went through so many friends and totally people-pleased them to make them love me, poured so much of myself into them, so much time, emotion, caring, countless emails, texting them every few days, etc. In the last few years it was me caring for them. It was totally exhausting and i had some fulfilling friendships but they didn't last long because they were forced and unnatural.

Not long ago, I realised that people don't really do 24/7 friends. Most of my friends are just trying to get on with their lives and don't really want to be bothered with intense committed friendships. Almost as intense as boy-girl relationships. Several friends told me that I was seeking a type of friendship that didn't actually exist.. I could never be close enough to a girl. To get close enough to satisfy me i'd pretty much have to be married to one :-/
I pretty much stopped having close friends and got on with my life. I have a husband so I do have that friendship intimacy there. Now i don't call anyone my 'best friend' but I do have friends. I've started having good adult friends - 30 - 45 yr olds. There's not the same pressure there. But with girls my age I know that deep down I will want that unacheivable intimacy if I let myself go down that trail. Even though i know its wrong. Girls my age are starting to reach out to me and i've naturally got close to them. But it's scary, I'm so scared of getting emotionally attached to them. I actually told my friend this and she said "Don't worry, I don't do best friends."

I also do better if I don't watch tv shows with girls being best friends cause it makes me want that.

I wish i could find the balance - wish I could stop avoiding close friendships so that I don't get clingy and make someone's life difficult or be an annoying friend!

Oops that was a really long post. Oh well, someone might relate
(actually i'm thinking sorry for the long post, you're all going to be annoyed now, but here's me trying to come across as non-people pleasing. sigh)
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