does this sound like bdd?
I feel like I have had a serious form of bdd since I was a kid. I've had social anxiety since that age as well which contributed to a lot of the bdd symptoms
I've always been small and skinny. I remember being the shortest kid in class and having to be the kaboose when we'd walk in the hallway...that always felt so humiliating and I hated it. I was also very skinny, unhealthily skinny. not because I was anorexic, I just didn't eat that much. I always felt sad about being smaller than my peers. I always felt lower than them because of it. it's like all I would focus on when I was around them. my social anxiety was always the highest around a "jock" type guy because of how physically bigger they were than me. I felt so anxious that it was hard to resist the urge to want to run away. because of my awkward tendencies I started to get teased. not bullied, just teased playfully about how small I was. I used to get so mad when someone would call me small, like I'd get defensive and make up a lie about how I'm only small because I was made this way and I can't get bigger. but then I understood that that makes me unattractive so I would play them off more acceptably. but inside it would constantly echo inside me, you're small (laughter)
then I got to middle school and got bullied for how skinny I was. people would ask me why I'm so skinny, tell me I'm a freak, I hated it so much I would go home and cry all the time I hated my body. all I wanted was to be big and strong; I was really physically weak and I've always felt like less of a man because of it and I still am very physically weak. I would always lie to people in middle school and tell them things like "yeah I may look skinny but I can bench *insert high number here?!!!"
at this point in my life it is my dream to become average physical strength and size. I would do anything to attain those two things. I would dump my entire savings down the drain if it meant one day I could wake up with those two things. I can't imagine it ever being possible and I feel like I would become a new person if those things happened