I also crave isolation to do creative things, mostly things I'm not required to do. But I also don't get as much out of instruction because I'm too distracted in a live place, I learn mostly afterward on my own. Or at least I prefer to. I find it somewhat ironic that the more someone pays attention to how they appear the less they pay attention to the actual self as a whole. Perfectionism in the moment while around people is just another anxiety filled and meaningless sidetrack.

It's different when putting things full out like a soft unfashioned bit of clay and letting them be worked on in whatever sort of way. That's more useful concentration on the self and a sort of attention that can actually help other people, as in being myself when really expressed. That's why I don't like seeing myself on video I guess as well, in a way, because I don't want that. I want to be there in a more valid way. To act in an unbridled fashion.

Sometimes I also wish I could have some sort of AR glasses on or an implant from the future and just block out people, and I can be at peace outside and in nature all the time. At the height of covid here I visited the school and it was so peaceful and there was none of the pressures or guessed attitudes of anyone around, and I love that feeling of being free. Like a depressed but not completely sad calm of being without anyone, some cool air and soft breezes. Cold dark blue tones. Gentle ambient sounds of infrastructure and wildlife. The strange presence of empty chairs and unused things.

I do crave it but unfortunately life keeps dragging me out of the house for work, groceries, and the occasional social obligations.

Oh yes me too. It makes me high, like a dreamy haze. I used to feel it alot more on antidepressants, now I have to wait until I'm manic and psychotic to feel it. I used to go out with dates at the mall near closing time and it was spooky just me and them. And I liked it a lot. It was like a dream, you know how in dreams it feels kind of the same, I think it feels kind of the same, in dreams especially.

I'm pretty much thankful for this extreme isolation due to the pandemic, but I do miss going out and staying late at the mall with dates so I can experience this dream-like spooky moment that feels like a dream. Otherwise I enjoy hibernating at home and losing my mind and thinking my dreams are real and my life is fake. It feels bad too, I want to go to the mall and hang out by myself even, otherwise I have to dream it up in my dreams.

Yeah even when I used to hang out with my family outside in the woods or outside their houses, it was so nice and dark, alone with myself and the morning like at 4 am. It was so beautiful, just me and the world at 4 am, in the present moment, it feels like I'm dreaming! I even told these people that it feels like a high dreaming moment and they called me crazy. Eh, not my problem if I have some schizophrenic traits and they feel uncomfortable.

But yeah, I dig these moments and create them always for myself, it's a way to not feel so lonely even though I am alone. Even though I am alone, I ain't that scared because I can create intense moments for myself out of everyday reality. Sometimes I get so dreamy I can go up to strangers and interact with them. Hopefully one day it'll end up waking me up and it was just a dream. But until then, it'll be just me doing exposure therapy and manipulating reality. Oh it feels like derealization+depersonalization!