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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-29-2019, 09:50 AM Thread Starter
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Documenting your condition


Just wondered if anyone else does this. I have these episodes where I believe that the universe is gonna shatter around me and that I'll wake up as something or someone else with no memory of this life. Or even worse I will have a memory of this life and no way to get back. I have no idea what this is, but I've been writing about what goes on inside my mind whenever this happens. I've had this since childhood, this doubting reality all the time. Maybe one day I'll try to seek help and I can show them this. It's good for me to analyze too
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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-29-2019, 05:42 PM
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No, I haven't. That would be interesting to find out what that is about. Do you have a fear of death or sleeping? Can you first remember the first time you experienced that?

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Just wondered if anyone else does this. I have these episodes where I believe that the universe is gonna shatter around me and that I'll wake up as something or someone else with no memory of this life. Or even worse I will have a memory of this life and no way to get back. I have no idea what this is, but I've been writing about what goes on inside my mind whenever this happens. I've had this since childhood, this doubting reality all the time. Maybe one day I'll try to seek help and I can show them this. It's good for me to analyze too
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-30-2019, 12:44 AM
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Sounds a bit like derealization/depersonalization.

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-01-2019, 04:06 PM Thread Starter
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No, I haven't. That would be interesting to find out what that is about. Do you have a fear of death or sleeping? Can you first remember the first time you experienced that?

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Just wondered if anyone else does this. I have these episodes where I believe that the universe is gonna shatter around me and that I'll wake up as something or someone else with no memory of this life. Or even worse I will have a memory of this life and no way to get back. I have no idea what this is, but I've been writing about what goes on inside my mind whenever this happens. I've had this since childhood, this doubting reality all the time. Maybe one day I'll try to seek help and I can show them this. It's good for me to analyze too
I'd recommend it it's pretty fun to investigate the mind. I've had it since I was little, I have a fear of neither but I used to have a crippling fear of death. That fear was almost textbook OCD, compulsions and everything to go along with it. But this seems very different, the therapist just labeled it pure obsessive disorder but it's been a while since I've been there
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-01-2019, 04:08 PM Thread Starter
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Sounds a bit like derealization/depersonalization.
I've always suspected I've had this since I've known what it was, I hear other people say everything feels very dreamlike all the time. I wonder if this sensation is that uncommon as we age?
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-01-2019, 04:19 PM
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I've always suspected I've had this since I've known what it was, I hear other people say everything feels very dreamlike all the time. I wonder if this sensation is that uncommon as we age?
Idk, things feel unreal to me sometimes, but it's not a regular thing. I think these kinds of things are just more extreme, persistent cases of things most people feel from time to time. Everyone gets anxious or depressed at times, but it becomes a disorder when it's your habitual state of mind.

I don't like looking at myself in the mirror, or seeing pictures of myself, and one of the reasons is because I feel like I'm looking at a stranger. Mirrors are especially bad. Who wants a stranger staring at them? So I just don't look if I can help it. Not sure what that falls under. But I don't think there are really clear-cut boundaries between different disorders.

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-01-2019, 08:31 PM Thread Starter
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Idk, things feel unreal to me sometimes, but it's not a regular thing. I think these kinds of things are just more extreme, persistent cases of things most people feel from time to time. Everyone gets anxious or depressed at times, but it becomes a disorder when it's your habitual state of mind.

I don't like looking at myself in the mirror, or seeing pictures of myself, and one of the reasons is because I feel like I'm looking at a stranger. Mirrors are especially bad. Who wants a stranger staring at them? So I just don't look if I can help it. Not sure what that falls under. But I don't think there are really clear-cut boundaries between different disorders.
Yeah, maybe that is some sort of depersonalization. I don't have this as a constant state but it's happened to me a few times, the mirror thing you describe. It is creepy. Do you ever have thoughts that seem like they were put there by another person? I know there is a disorder in which it seems like you are not in control of yourself
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-01-2019, 08:57 PM
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Sounds schizotypal in some way especially the thought thing (though I couldn't break it down further then that, I don't mean the personality disorder specifically, I mean the spectrum.)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thought_insertion
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-01-2019, 09:09 PM
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Yeah, maybe that is some sort of depersonalization. I don't have this as a constant state but it's happened to me a few times, the mirror thing you describe. It is creepy. Do you ever have thoughts that seem like they were put there by another person? I know there is a disorder in which it seems like you are not in control of yourself
No, I don't have thought insertion. Though schizophrenia runs in my family (two brothers, aunt, grandfather), and I do sometimes experience things that might be considered borderline psychotic.

I do have intrusive thoughts of violence, though. And those thoughts are associated with physical urges I have to resist acting on. (Like stepping in front of a bus or stabbing someone.) So I often feel like I'm not totally in control of myself. Those moments where I have to fight violent or self-destructive urges are frightening precisely because I'm never sure I will be able to control them. But I've never acted on them, and so far as I know, that's just OCD.

The mirror thing is creepy. Which is why I try to avoid triggering it. There's such a disconnect between my mental representation of myself and what I see in the mirror that I sometimes feel like the two are unrelated and that I somehow took possession of a body that doesn't belong to me. When you combine that with my OCD urges, what it feels like, sometimes, is that my body is at war with my mind and trying to rebel. It's honestly pretty ****ed up.

But these are just ways of describing subjective feelings and sensations. They're not delusions.

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-01-2019, 10:04 PM
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I have real issues with what is real and what is a dream. At times it can feel really scary... like I'm just floating in nothingness without anything grounding me or connecting me to "reality".

I dread being asked "How are you?" in therapy because it's like opening up a can of worms.

If I document how I feel in words at times it can feel like I'm just perpetuating the looping questions that already exist in my mind and it just doesn't help. But then again, it does help if I "choose" to "believe" it is helping.

Since going back on meds, one thing I have been trying is an app called "Mood Panda". It keeps things simple (apparently simple is better) by rating emotions on a scale from 1 to 10 and tracking them over time.

But even that is tricky as it rates in regards to happy / sad which misses out on what I view as the important grey areas. At times I can be happy & positive but feel really anxious. Or I can feel sad but good (nostalgia) etc. In instances like these I'll just go middle ground and call it a 5 but it doesn't really give me faith in that I'm capturing an accurate representation of my emotional state. Sometimes I feel like when I'm in a low mood I tend to post more which influences long term results. When I'm in a good mood Im usually too busy trying to "live" life to document it but if I'm sad and barely existing Im often spending my time with my soul buried deep in the "reality" of "social" media or a mobile phone apps like Mood Panda.
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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-01-2019, 10:19 PM
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I have these episodes where I believe that the universe is gonna shatter around me and that I'll wake up as something or someone else with no memory of this life.
I've being trying Internal Family Systems which is giving me mixed feelings. I'm trying hard to maintain faith in therapy but all the "parts" that I seem to have, make me feel further and further from the actualisation that there is a real "me" in there somewhere.
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