Are any of you people like me?
I feel so different to everyone my age, and I'd like to see if anyone of you see the world like I do and show how my mind works. It would make me feel less alone. I've never met anyone like me before.
1) On terms of being 'social' I'm considered introverted. Hanging around large groups of people drinking, laughing and having fun tires me out. I've heard people say that introverts can have as much fun as everyone else, but not me. I suppose I might not be introverted.
When everyone is having fun I am constantly analysing, analysing, analysing. If someone laughs I listen to the sound. Think about history. What is a laugh? Most sounds, like a scream, would signify danger. An instinctual sound like a scream is made to alert others around you of danger. So what is a laugh? What does that signify?
I constantly analyse behavioural traits. Body language. The way someone can display a thought or emotion just in their voice, the way they are sitting. The things they say. If you've ever heard of Derren Brown, he does this a lot.
And all the while I'm never having fun. I enjoy eating food and that's about it.
2) I view life in general differently to everyone else. My mid life crisis was at the age of 15. I suddenly became aware that I was inevitably heading towards death. That my life was very short. That every single animal, human and most forms of life on the planet right now will be gone in 150 years.
I will often ponder life after death. Is it possible? Scientifically what is most likely to happen? Before we were born our body was generated in distant stars, the components of our body eventually culminated into life. In that case, isn't death simply returning to that state? What is scary about returning to something we have been experiencing for an eternity? Isn't it possible that we could be born again? That these particles may find a new body to inhabit?
3) I hope you're starting to see why I feel so different to everyone. At university all my house mates talk about are girls, football, sex and getting drunk. They are constantly on their phones, which annoys me.
When you're on your phone are you really being social? I don't believe you are. You're simply staring at a little box for a while. Think about all the times you have done this, the amount of time it adds up to in total. You could have wasted days of your life just staring at this contraption.
4) My own appearance. I was bullied as a kid and had no friends at all, only now as I've hit 19 have I met someone who is interested in some of the things I am. Still, he doesn't view the world as I do. It's just that he is quieter, and prefers alone time. I don't really feel connections to people. If I left university and never saw this person again I wouldn't care.
When I look into a mirror, am I really seeing myself? I am seeing my face backwards. When you see a photo of yourself that is generally how people perceive you. If you think your face looks bent in the photo then that's because you're used to the mirror image.
So does everyone see you with a bent face? No, they do not. When I look at my father's face in the mirror it looks unusually bent and out of proportion. Yet in real life it appears symmetrical. And he has said that his face in the mirror looks straight, and in photos he think it looks bent. So in a sense, the mirror image is how others perceive you in a sense, apart from say if you are wearing an earring on one ear. The face remains pretty much the same.
5) I constantly ponder the meaning of life like this. Analyse things around me. I often refer to others around me as 'humans' which is bizarre, as if I'm not one of them. I watch the stars a lot, think about how the light we are seeing is millions of years old. That the sky is a time machine. I think about space, if there is any other life out there.
I listen to music. Why do we listen to music? What is music? Expressionism?
6) Yeah that's about it. This was more of a rant. I just want to know if anyone thinks like me. I'm 19 years old, a virgin. Never really had a friend or girlfriend.
Even being a virgin, getting a girlfriend intrigues me. Why have we attached value to these things? As if losing your virginity is some fundamental, must do thing in life? If I'm honest I would be happy being alone for the rest of my life, I'm used to it and frankly I think I'd confuse anyone who wanted to date me.
I could rant for ages more but I'll stop there.