Anorexias never truly gone
Let's get down to it. I developed Anorexia at the age of 14. From their it's been a wild ride. Since then my trip through foster care and cutting and anxiousness and so much more, seem small.
Compared to the war I have made up inside my head. When your hungry,theirs a voice you can't ignore telling you to feed it. But sometimes, some people have this evil, living their. Inside you. you have this witch, ( eating dissorder ) telling you to ignore the stomach pains. To ignore the sickness and dizziness..
Do I smell pizza? My favorite.. I'll have to lock myself up stairs at first because I want it. I crave it. But the witch reassures me, I don't need that pizza! And neither do my stomcah, thighs, arms, sides or chin. God I hate my thighs...boy that pizza smells nice.. NO!
Iv never weighed more then 130 pounds in my life. And iv only been 'let' to get down to 100. I knew I was never fat. AND I still do . But I know I want to be smaller. Alot smaller. As a foster kid, I had alot of people I didn't know trying to tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing with my life. And the one thing I could control. Was how many times a day I ate. And what I ate. And soon it became 1 apple a day. I'd get in trouble with my foster mom. Grounded until I'd eat more.. laughed at because why does this silly girl think she's fat? It got so bad, that all scales were taken from the house. So the other girls were mad at me too.. When we went to the docter ( and that was alot because I had pretty bad self harm problems ) I'd have to be put on watch. Because while waiting I'd sneak into an empty docters room to weigh myself in slience. Then I'd cry the whole rest if the time because I was 4 pounds heavier then the last time I'd weighed myself.. when i couldnt look at my body in the mirror, without breaking down in tears. Has you ever looked in the mirror for 2 seconds and hated what you saw so bad you just cry? I had reached a tipping point.
It is now 4 years later. And I can't tell you iv gotten over my anorexia, but I can tell you iv gotten better.
And it was all because of 1 man. That iv been in love with for 4 years. He's saved me from myself. ( I also havnt cut in 4 years) I weigh between 120 and 115 now on my good days. And I know that's a healthy weight.
But I know I have bad days still. When I look in the mirror, and cry, and just cry. Because why do I hate so much about this body that I'm supposed to take care of? Will I ever truly love it? And when these pants, my favorite pants! I swear I wore them last week.. stops fitting..I break. I drop. But then I feel arms wrap around me, and whispers of how beautiful I am. And suddenly the witch, she's drowning in my abiss.. we go out to dinner, and I order small, due to habits and he ends up hand feeding me half his plate while I'm eating mine. He distracts my mind with his live while he feeds me his fuel. Love, is the only thing iv found to work. Love makes me want to be the best me for him. Love makes me want to love even the ugliest parts of me.
I still face a daily battle, but I'm not alone. And someday, their will be no more battle.