Anorexia death and depression
I have had an eating disorder for about twelve years now...
I eventually started smoking cigarettes as I could get away with not eating more often. I did this for the past 6 years and well I'm 5'6-7 and have tumbled between 91-104lbs for the past few years. My lowest was 76lbs, but that was when I first became anorexic at 12-13.
Anywho I got a brain infection of some sort and developed an arrythmia about 5 months ago had to give up smoking, as well as being a vegetarian (i was one for ten years).
My stepsister hung herself and died a year ago two days ago, and my significant other was in a motorcycle accident and will never talk or walk again forcing me to well decide to join them and jump ship or try and do life.
Anyway I'm really trying to do life, more than I have in well ever. I pressed my morals aside to eat meat, I re enrolled in college, tried to get back to the working class, quit smoking cigs and pot, and quit the occasional alcoholic beverage.
I started going to the gym, and even am trying to build a friendship with a new person again.
And I'm eating. A lot. At first I was eating ten small meals a day. Now I'm up to four or five regular sized meals of meat. The problem is twofold. The first is that I am realizing I have an extremely small head and brain For someone my size (my head weighed 8-9lbs last time I weighed it) but that was when I weighed 114. the second is I'm up to 121lbs, and I feel like a fat heffer.
I don't really have any support system, so I'm not sure how much is in my head and how much is reality.
I'm terrified I will blow up and become morbidly obese and have no one to tell me. But I'm also hoping if I stick to it maybe there's a possibility my brain will grow back. I keep reading they do and I keep measuring my head n though it feels more full it's hard to tell. The house scale broke I am told. Then I look at past pictures to compare and get super depressed because I was so much more thin and beautiful.
I'm still eating but I'm having a hard time not giving up. I want to keep pushing but my ex is gone, and I envisioned a future with him. He was my rock and main support system. I'm kind of lost without him.
I got a job but was fired for wanting a food break after seven hours.
I moved to a different state because my mom said she wanted to help me recover and get treatment, but she's never available, is fat herself, and says hurtful things purposefully and threatens to put me out on the street again.
So I'm in a state with no friends, no job, no support system, and I cut off 1.5 feet of hair because it started falling out when I quit smoking, and it keeps changing it's shades.
I just don't see a point in trying anymore. I've been upping the amount of time I volunteer, going to the gym more, but I want to break all the mirrors and die. They say you roll with the punches, but I feel like my life has been a series of unfortunate events and food except when homeless I could mostly control.
Has anyone on here ever overcome anorexia? Is that even possible? Will I ever see what everyone else sees? Will I always wonder if I'm a fat heffer or emaciated freak? Do you ever regain the confidence to eat in public?
Lastly how does one get over losing a family member and significant other. I have no one to talk to about these things. I always talked to the significant other. I've always spiraled into some disorder when things I can't control greatly affects me. This time I'm trying not to, but I don't have any skill sets. All I know to do is cry.
My step sister and I used to share the heat of being the ****ed up kids. Now I'm the sole scapegoat, and after she died I had a scizoaffective reaction to marijuana, which was what caused her to spiral out and eventually hang herself. And my family is being more difficult on me then ever and no one wants to talk or deal with me.
My hppd is mostly gone, and I'm no longer as delusional (i thought I was in hunger games), but I'm terrified to do life.
Honestly I wish inpatient treatment was longer. I just want to get better. I've read soo many self help books, but I still sick at life.
I've been thinking of attempting suicide again. Mostly because if I do live I can go to inpatient again where I won't be so judged for being ****ed up, and if I die well at least I won't be the family burden any longer. They can finally rest easy at night. The problem is inpatient is only like 3-7 days and there's always the chance I'll end up like a vegetable like my significant other. That and I don't have health insurance and already have two hospitalizations in a pile of debt I will probably never be able to pay...
I guess I'm just ranting but also hoping someone can share some advice or experience or something to help me get through this day or week...
Idk it sucks if I could get disability I could go to therapy, see a psychiatrist and nutritionist, and join the get back to work program. But unfortunately even after twelve hospitalizations I'm still denied disability. So I get no help and spiral back and forth between moms n homelessness when my mental disorder gets real bad....
Idk I just wish I could take charge and get a job and be like everyone else. In truth I don't want to die, I just want help, but I feel like I will never get it....