Anorexia death and depression - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-14-2016, 10:03 PM Thread Starter
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Anorexia death and depression

I have had an eating disorder for about twelve years now...
I eventually started smoking cigarettes as I could get away with not eating more often. I did this for the past 6 years and well I'm 5'6-7 and have tumbled between 91-104lbs for the past few years. My lowest was 76lbs, but that was when I first became anorexic at 12-13.
Anywho I got a brain infection of some sort and developed an arrythmia about 5 months ago had to give up smoking, as well as being a vegetarian (i was one for ten years).

My stepsister hung herself and died a year ago two days ago, and my significant other was in a motorcycle accident and will never talk or walk again forcing me to well decide to join them and jump ship or try and do life.

Anyway I'm really trying to do life, more than I have in well ever. I pressed my morals aside to eat meat, I re enrolled in college, tried to get back to the working class, quit smoking cigs and pot, and quit the occasional alcoholic beverage.

I started going to the gym, and even am trying to build a friendship with a new person again.

And I'm eating. A lot. At first I was eating ten small meals a day. Now I'm up to four or five regular sized meals of meat. The problem is twofold. The first is that I am realizing I have an extremely small head and brain For someone my size (my head weighed 8-9lbs last time I weighed it) but that was when I weighed 114. the second is I'm up to 121lbs, and I feel like a fat heffer.

I don't really have any support system, so I'm not sure how much is in my head and how much is reality.

I'm terrified I will blow up and become morbidly obese and have no one to tell me. But I'm also hoping if I stick to it maybe there's a possibility my brain will grow back. I keep reading they do and I keep measuring my head n though it feels more full it's hard to tell. The house scale broke I am told. Then I look at past pictures to compare and get super depressed because I was so much more thin and beautiful.

I'm still eating but I'm having a hard time not giving up. I want to keep pushing but my ex is gone, and I envisioned a future with him. He was my rock and main support system. I'm kind of lost without him.

I got a job but was fired for wanting a food break after seven hours.
I moved to a different state because my mom said she wanted to help me recover and get treatment, but she's never available, is fat herself, and says hurtful things purposefully and threatens to put me out on the street again.

So I'm in a state with no friends, no job, no support system, and I cut off 1.5 feet of hair because it started falling out when I quit smoking, and it keeps changing it's shades.

I just don't see a point in trying anymore. I've been upping the amount of time I volunteer, going to the gym more, but I want to break all the mirrors and die. They say you roll with the punches, but I feel like my life has been a series of unfortunate events and food except when homeless I could mostly control.

Has anyone on here ever overcome anorexia? Is that even possible? Will I ever see what everyone else sees? Will I always wonder if I'm a fat heffer or emaciated freak? Do you ever regain the confidence to eat in public?

Lastly how does one get over losing a family member and significant other. I have no one to talk to about these things. I always talked to the significant other. I've always spiraled into some disorder when things I can't control greatly affects me. This time I'm trying not to, but I don't have any skill sets. All I know to do is cry.

My step sister and I used to share the heat of being the ****ed up kids. Now I'm the sole scapegoat, and after she died I had a scizoaffective reaction to marijuana, which was what caused her to spiral out and eventually hang herself. And my family is being more difficult on me then ever and no one wants to talk or deal with me.
My hppd is mostly gone, and I'm no longer as delusional (i thought I was in hunger games), but I'm terrified to do life.
Honestly I wish inpatient treatment was longer. I just want to get better. I've read soo many self help books, but I still sick at life.
I've been thinking of attempting suicide again. Mostly because if I do live I can go to inpatient again where I won't be so judged for being ****ed up, and if I die well at least I won't be the family burden any longer. They can finally rest easy at night. The problem is inpatient is only like 3-7 days and there's always the chance I'll end up like a vegetable like my significant other. That and I don't have health insurance and already have two hospitalizations in a pile of debt I will probably never be able to pay...
I guess I'm just ranting but also hoping someone can share some advice or experience or something to help me get through this day or week...
Idk it sucks if I could get disability I could go to therapy, see a psychiatrist and nutritionist, and join the get back to work program. But unfortunately even after twelve hospitalizations I'm still denied disability. So I get no help and spiral back and forth between moms n homelessness when my mental disorder gets real bad....

Idk I just wish I could take charge and get a job and be like everyone else. In truth I don't want to die, I just want help, but I feel like I will never get it....
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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-14-2016, 10:14 PM
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I would appeal the disability denial.

Much admiration that you've overcome it enough to eat well and do more with your life. But you're still unhappy and longing for some emotional support.
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-14-2016, 10:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Socalawkwardfli View Post
Idk it sucks if I could get disability I could go to therapy, see a psychiatrist and nutritionist, and join the get back to work program. But unfortunately even after twelve hospitalizations I'm still denied disability. So I get no help and spiral back and forth between moms n homelessness when my mental disorder gets real bad....
Are you in the U.S.? How old are you?

How many times have you applied for disability? Do you appeal when denied? Ever consult a lawyer about it?

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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-14-2016, 11:19 PM Thread Starter
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Thank you for your encouragement

I am 25. I'm in the u.s. I tried to get a lawyer last year for my case and then all that stuff happened and I became homeless again.
Idk the system is pretty messed up. There's like a 26% approval rating.
I've been in and out of the hospital for suicide and anorexia since I was 13. I've been homeless on and off since 16.
Its stupid. I see the same psychiatrist for the eval every time and within 15 minutes he determined my entire life for me.
I even opened up and told him how I thought I was in hunger games and my sister was roo (she was black I'm white) and how it got worse when I met a few other homeless people who also thought they were in hunger games and I thought the only way out was by suicide like my sister did or wait until what I thought at the time was government controlled lightning struck enough times. I thought if I went home early or told anyone that the government would kill people over me and it was done long crazy idea involving jayne Mansfield. I thought the hanging tree was real and kept thinking people were hanging themselves over it and I had to as well. I didn't get over this idea fully until november of this past year. Mostly because I thought I couldn't talk to anyone about it, and I had no one to tell me it was irrational or crazy.
Idk I'm just bummed. I was #4 in my graduating class. I know if I got the right help to work through this I could work someday instead of swinging back and forth between suicide attempts and homelessness. I feel like I'm gonna end up like My sister, but I'm trying to pull myself out of it with the gym, school, and volunteering.
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-14-2016, 11:36 PM
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I wish I had some good advice. Half your post isn't anything I'd be able to understand, and the other half hits really close to home. I don't have any advice on how to get over the death of close family and friends. I always kept it in. Not that I had anyone I could talk to about it anyway. As far as the SSDI goes, you have to keep appealing. It's a six month process to apply and they decline everyone the first time, so expect at least a year. They have to back pay you for all the time spent in the application process, so appeal right away when you get declined. Don't let it lapse. They don't want that number to keep growing. You might eventually need to get a lawyer. They take their pay from the back pay check when you get approved, so you won't need money up front. As far as other mental health services, every state has a different system. Some are better than others. I know about my states system because of how long I've been in it (and I work in it now), but I don't know about other states.

I'm sorry about all of those events. I wish I could be more help.

No longer posting or reading the public forum.
Please send a PM (or email), I'll still be checking my messages as long as I have any.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-15-2016, 01:46 AM
happy i dodged a bullet
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It sounds like you are really hurdling over alot... We all have issues and that's ok, that's life.. I admire you for being strong enough to play the card you're dealt.

Just have to realize you can't rely too much on people for happiness or even support..sometimes you have to encourage yourself...

My good friend told me that alot of times we can will things to happen...

You have to want to live more than you want to give up ... You have to put in %150 effort just to get what you want out of life..

Life isnt fair,never has been or will be, we (especially me) need to make peace with that and accept that fact and put all our effort in living.

All we can do I play the cards were dealt...

Good luck 🍀
I'm rooting for you.

🎵I wake up everyday celebrating sh(I)t why? BC I just dodged a bullet from a crazy b(I)tch🎵 I realized I cant fix broken people...i tried.. I cant help someone who wont take accountability.for where they went wrong...but its okay..bc I'll always be fine. No sleep will be lost, ....the video below is me, basically.

Always thank someone for showing their true colors.. Now you see them for who them are and can cut them off
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-15-2016, 02:12 AM
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I had an eating disorder for fourteen horrible years. I am now 2+ years into solid recovery, and all I can say is keep going. It's so much more worth it than you will even know until you get to the other side. Approaching recovery is terrifying, especially after having an eating disorder for so long. It's hard to move toward something when you have no context for what it might look or feel or be like, especially when it seems impossible. It's not impossible. The body image piece is hard. It's hell, actually. But it does get better. It's still not perfect, but it's so much better than it was, and it's no longer dependent on what I ate or didn't eat or what behaviors I engaged in. I knew that my eating disorder was hell, but I had no idea how bad it was until I felt the freedom of recovery, and that's the absolute truth. There are days when recovery is so ridiculously hard, and still not a day or even moment goes by that I regret making the choice to walk away from my eating disorder. If you want to know more about my recovery and/or what helped me in the process, feel free to check out my blog: No pressure to do so - it just sounds like you could benefit from knowing you are not alone. You are not alone. Death is not the answer. Recovery from an eating disorder is the hardest thing I have ever done, and it is the most worthwhile thing, the thing I'm proudest of, the thing that has allowed me to connect to all of the other good things in my life. There isn't anything in the universe I would trade my recovery for. Hang in there. It gets better. I promise.
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