Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Where no one can see me
Ever since I was 4 years old Iíve been living alone with my mother, seeing my dad about once a month or so at the most until I was 16. My mother has been causing me hell, ruined my life to a certain point only to piss on the remains of me. She is the most hateful, manipulative person I know and I hate her more than anything else in the world, now let me tell you why that is. My mother is a smoker and a tea drinker, now that might not seem to be grounds for hating someone and thatís because it isnít, though Iíve noticed that when you hate a person past a certain extent you resent just about every part of their being even the good things they do. Hearing her name brings out a great feeling of hate and resentment starting at the bottom of your gut, slowly making its way to the rest of your body. The hate and anguish fills all of your thoughts from what to have for breakfast to your self image to what you see in other people and around them. The hate spreads to every aspect of your life but itís not limited to your whole life because after a while other feelings get involved. Shame for what youíve been through, shame for your family, shame for yourself and fear, fear of being used, manipulated, controlled, oppressed, bullied, blamed and sometimes ignored. The image that you have of yourself during and after emotional or physical abuse is one that can be worse than the image of a sexual offender or a mass murderer, the only one you could hate more than yourself at that point is your abuser. Resentment, sadness, apathy, depression, anger, frustration and the feeling of helplessness is all that accompanies you on your journey through life at that point. To a larger or lesser extent you still have an enormous will inside you, a will to have a normal life, a will to not be controlled by a horrible past, a will of freedom, after a while you become so bitter towards to the outside world because of how alone you feel that the resentment spreads to everything else. There is hope though, once youíve lived through hell youíre ready to face your fears, fears of confrontation with your abuser in person or in thought. You hate this person very much, you may wish very morbid things would happen to the person that youíd rather not share with anyone but still what you desire most of all is peace. Feeling peace because you no longer feel controlled by this resentment and build up anger, feeling peace because you can move on with your life. Itís a very difficult thing to confront oneís abuser and it takes a great strength to confront, I recently confronted my abuser and will continue to confront them until they no longer control me. I will tell them that they are a pathetic excuse of a human being because of how they treated me, I will tell them that they are evil, I will tell them that I hope they die, I will tell them that I have defeated them because the things they told me, the brainwashing, the abuse they put me through no longer controls me. Then, after this has been said and done I can feel peace and perhaps feel like I have the strength to go on in such a stressful and demanding world.