Why DO people care about other people's sex lives? - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-01-2011, 09:46 AM Thread Starter
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Why DO people care about other people's sex lives?


A lot of the threads on this forum are about sex. Usually its because they haven't had it and feel that they are a failure for this. In fact I feel the same way , though the shame of being a virgin isn't as intense as it used to be.

Something I have noticed about the world is that people are obsessed with other people's sex lives. They are either telling people what to do, or what NOT to do.If you are a virgin over a certain age (which can be as young as 13, because I know that girls treated me like crap because I hadn't had sex in 7th or 8th grade o.O) they treat you like crap. If you happen to be promiscuous , they also treat you like crap. People think that this is grounds for abusing another individual, but usually I don't care that much about whether another person has had sex with 500 people or zero people. It's none of my business.

I know that women were traditionally supposed to be "pure". In some parts of the world, women can be KILLED by their families because they lose their virginity before marriage and go to great lengths to hide this, even having plastic surgery to restore their hymen. Men of course are supposed to be studs and have sex with everything that moves, even if that goes against their personality.

However, in modern-day America, women are increasingly shamed because they lack sexual experience or are not willing to do certain things. Think of magazines aimed at women that have articles like "bad girl sex". Another online magazine has a sexual bucket list that includes things like "kiss a girl" ," have group sex," and "have sex with a stranger." I've been at work where other women would go into great detail about their sexual experiences , complete with telling me about things like anal beads, which I didn't know anything about. They thought it was a funny thing that I didn't know what that was.They treated me like I was some kind of naive, childish moron because I was inexperienced. I even have had people offering to get me laid. This is all coming from a girl, and I have no idea how the world got this way.

I read a very depressing article about female virgins a few years ago. You can read a reproduction of it here : http://neverhadaboyfriend.org/2008/0...ew-years-back/

This article really described my experiences. I ahve been rejected by men because of my lack of experience, and I have felt like I don't fit in with other women because of this also. After I read it I think I developed sort of a complex about it. Like my virginity was a curse and that the longer that I had it the more likely I would spend the rest of my life alone. I felt like damaged goods. I've considered one night stands and everything just to get rid of it so that people don't look down on me anymore. Everything I watched on tv or read in a book reminded me of that particular "flaw". I compared myself to every other female out there and felt inferior to her because she had been loved and I was unloveable.

I have gotten over this for the most part. I still want a boyfriend and I still want to have sex but it doesn't make me as miserable as it once did.

I just kind of wonder WHY society is so obsessed with pressuring people into having sex, even if they aren't ready or even if they are shy and want to be in a commited relationship for it. And it's pretty idiotic that the same people that think you are a loser for NOT having sex, also think you are a bad person (especially if you are female) for having it. No matter what I do I can't win in the eyes of this crappy modern world. People tell me that I should have numerous sex partners before I settle down and have children, but for me it's getting to late for that.

This really has always confused me because I don't care if:

you are gay, you have orgies, you have slept with 500 people, you like anal beads, you have slept with no one, you want to be a virgin until marriage, you have an "open marriage", you are into bondage,you hate sex and don't want anything to do with it, etc. etc.

The only thing that I am really against would be something that harms someone else, such as pedophilia, rape, or bestiality.

So why DO people care so much about what other people do? Why the sudden pressure on women to promiscuous? Why the pressure on men, for that matter? And if women are supposed to have sex then why are they called names when they do? Why do people feel like they must tell everyone about their sex lives?What kind of world are we living in where thirteen year old girls have to feel ashamed of being virgins?
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post #2 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-01-2011, 09:57 AM
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Virginity is mostly a male issue. There are alot more virgin men than there are women. Movies like the 40 year old virgin and american pie are perfect examples of how men are made to feel embarrased and like aliens because of it.
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post #3 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-01-2011, 10:05 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by stranger25 View Post
Virginity is mostly a male issue. There are alot more virgin men than there are women. Movies like the 40 year old virgin and american pie are perfect examples of how men are made to feel embarrased and like aliens because of it.

I disagree because women are also pressured. You should read the article I mentioned. Its pretty much my experience. I've been rejected by men because of it. I've been made to "feel like an alien" because of it also.
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post #4 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-01-2011, 10:24 AM
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That's like asking why people like porn so much. People love to talk about sex, think about sex, and some times have sex. I think the people who are actually having sex aren't as interested or obsessed over the topic of people's sex lives /or porn. Everyone needs an outlet.
As for feeling that society pressures people to have sex or the stigmatism over not having sex or having too much sex, wellll... it's not going to affect you unless you allow the "judgement" be internalized. It sounds like you feel a pressure to have a self-presentation to appease others but, really, people aren't judging you. (It may be because of SA that you think people will judge and are judging you over this).\
Also, the majority of people who tease or critisize aren't really thinking about the implications of sex and sex in society as much as giving into the popular attitude (or "following the crowd"). My point is not many people care to criticize you of being a virgin or being a ****, and don't take your experiences at grade 7 for any weight. Kids are stupid and half the time they don't have a clue what they're talking about...
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post #5 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-01-2011, 11:52 AM
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Well I have an interest in sex because of my stupid hormones, although I've never asked anyone for any information about their own sex life ever, never would.

I suppose people who are not very sexual will inevitably become annoyed at having to bat away potential sexual interest and curiosity from others.

Humans are sexual creatures though, and we live in a sexualised world, no getting away from it. I do strongly believe that all under-18s should be left well alone until they are ready to deal with it.

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post #6 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-01-2011, 12:05 PM
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  • Because they believe it is acceptable to project their preferences unto others. (Statists).
  • Because of the fear of their children falling into anything that it isn't approved by them. (Over-protective parents).
  • Because of their ignorance of human genetics. (Creationists)
  • Because of their superstitious doctrine. (Some religious people)
  • Because they might be hypocrites in denial trying to prove otherwise. (Politicians, religious clergymen, common people)


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post #7 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-01-2011, 12:38 PM
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No matter what I do I can't win in the eyes of this crappy modern world.
You will never "win" in this world - there will always be something to pick at about you in this "crappy modern world." Just do what you want and don't let the opinions of others stop you. Seriously, people will pull excuses out of their own arses to make themselves feel better than you. That's why it's all over the media - it sells. The media uses the desire of the masses to feel validated to make money. It's what they do.

Just remember that there are more important things in the world than what people are saying about virgins, and whether or not you ever get laid.





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post #8 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-02-2011, 12:40 PM
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It's really not a big deal. I honestly want to know as little as possible about people's sex lives, especially of those I know.

I think part of the reason for the "sex-obsessed" society is the kind of prudish approach to it that exists in much of the country. This is the same country that is the home of abstinence education, after all. If people do talk about it, they talk about it in terms of raunchiness, as if it's this bad, naughty thing that is discussed in a gossipy, hushed, secretive, judgmental or arrogant tone. It's not something everyday, something real and human, something boring. It's a bad and dirty thing, or at least it was for so long, that it corrupted having healthy and realistic attitudes and public discussion of it. I see a direct correlation between showing *** and titties on the TV, or making constant sexual suggestions, and sexual repression. Remember the Janet Jackson incident at the Super Bowl years ago? People freaked out like it was a terrorist attack, as if eleven-year-olds seeing a boob mistakenly flashed for a fraction of a second is going to make them rape each other or something. Meanwhile, commercials, movies and TV shows are full of sexual suggestions and sex scenes. Show a boob, though, and it's all over. Something isn't right. It almost seems like nowadays that with sex in the public sphere, it's either all or nothing, when in reality most people just have plain regular sex in their bedrooms and it's not really that interesting or exciting, not to mention anything you'd want to look at. People are obsessed with the idea of sex, the relationships surrounding and leading to sex, and not necessarily sex itself.
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post #9 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-02-2011, 04:18 PM
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people care about sex lives because its built into our brain to do so. We feel strong urges to reproduce no matter what and keep our race alive, its one reason humans have survived as long as we have, if nobody didnt want to have sex we wouldnt be here.
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post #10 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-03-2011, 05:55 AM
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First off, thanks for asking such a good question!!

On the one hand human beings, as social animals, have a need to regulate their biological functions socially in order to ensure the survival of our societies... so it's no wonder parents and moral guardians are so preoccupied with this: it's nothing less than the future of the world at stake! And then the rest of society joins in because, whether we like it or not, we need the community to be ourselves, our families, et c... that's where taboos and stigmatizations come from.

On the other hand there is immense pressure to grow up. Physical and sexual maturity are valued in all healthy societies, and experience is a hallmarker of maturity in general. But we live in a society that has largely forgotten to counterbalance this pressure with taboos in order to prevent excesses. The result is a situation in which promiscuity is valued in many circles.

And then of course as individuals... we have to accept people for who they are, even if they are taking part in a society that has expressed a death wish. But we can be critical without being judgmental. Many of my old friends do things I do not approve of and I would go to great lengths to prevent my own children from doing likewise, but I can't just refuse to be there for them, especially when they come to difficult spots that result from reckless or careless behavior...
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post #11 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-04-2011, 12:13 AM
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Whether a person is a virgin or not is no big deal for me. I read the article that Sindelle posted and I'm surprised that so many people have negative feelings about virgins. I wouldn't assume that everyone feels like that, though.
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post #12 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-04-2011, 01:24 PM
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Originally Posted by stranger25 View Post
Virginity is mostly a male issue. There are alot more virgin men than there are women. Movies like the 40 year old virgin and american pie are perfect examples of how men are made to feel embarrased and like aliens because of it.
That would have been my thought as well.

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I ahve been rejected by men because of my lack of experience,...
I would never have imagined that happening. Actually, I'd think a woman would find a lot of men who'd be eager to meet a virgin and teach her all about sex. Have these men failed to consider the advantages of a virgin? She can't compare them to other guys who may have been bigger or better and you know she's disease free.
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post #13 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-04-2011, 01:33 PM
 
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Tell me about it. It seems like that's all anybody wants to talk about anymore. Perfect example, I've been in a relationship for over two years, so needless to say, I'm not a virgin. But my friends always want me to talk about my sex life, and my question is WHY? If you want to know the answers so badly, just look them up, don't attack me with nosy questions. Is there no such thing as respecting somebody else's privacy anymore?

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post #14 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-04-2011, 01:40 PM
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I would never have imagined that happening. Actually, I'd think a woman would find a lot of men who'd be eager to meet a virgin and teach her all about sex. Have these men failed to consider the advantages of a virgin? She can't compare them to other guys who may have been bigger or better and you know she's disease free.
Maybe the thought of teaching someone about sex make them feel scummy? :/
That's what someone told me was the reason at least.

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post #15 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-04-2011, 02:18 PM
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Maybe the thought of teaching someone about sex make them feel scummy? :/
That's what someone told me was the reason at least.
I guess times have changed. Seems like there was a time when doing a virgin was deemed a prize, the kind of thing guys would brag about.
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post #16 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-04-2011, 02:33 PM
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Envy.
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post #17 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-04-2011, 07:10 PM
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Personally, I don't care about people's sex lives. But they seem to care about mine (at least when they find out I don't have a sex life.)

What can I say? People are idiots. Have sex if you want, don't have sex if you want, it shouldn't matter.



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post #18 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-04-2011, 08:06 PM
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Originally Posted by UltraShy View Post
I guess times have changed. Seems like there was a time when doing a virgin was deemed a prize, the kind of thing guys would brag about.

In my opinion, sex is the ultimate expression of intimacy and no it should not just be given out freely to people you don't know/barely know/don't care to really get close to.

This isn't a popular opinion, and these days...it seems promiscuity is completely acceptable. Which is fine I suppose, I'm not really judging anyone. I just lament the fact that it is getting increasingly difficult to find someone who shares the same views of intimacy as I do.

Anwways, the point I'm getting to is...ladies, do not feel shameful/guilty about this, sure...the popular opinion isn't on your side...but think about that for a second. That is a very good thing, you are thinking for yourself and not just doing what everyone else does, that is excellent! Do you really want to do what all these other people are doing? Do you really need the acceptance of someone with completely different views/values? What does their approval mean to you...if it's merely a way to gain accceptance into a social group that has very little in common with who you really are...

Stand your ground, be proud of your values, and don't give in to the pressure to conform to ideas you don't believe in. That is ridiculous!

There are other people out there who would not judge you for this and in fact would be extremely delighted to find someone who thinks this way.

Trust me, I understand the pressure...when people find out that I do not do the casual sex thing, or that I don't enjoy drinking myself retarded on the weekends, they're very quick to judge, but I hold fast on my beliefs and I have some hope that I will eventually meet like-minded people that would appreciate this about me.

As for your confusion about damned if you do, damned if you don't...that comes from two different angles

perspective 1: the male who is looking for a casual hook-up and wants no commitment, they would rather not get involved with a virgin because she will have no 'skill' to please them and they're not sticking around to learn/teach. Virgins are also seen as extremely dangerous for this casual situation because it is assumed that they will be extremely clingy to whoever had sex with them. They also worry that because the girl is a virgin, she will not put out and they can't be bothered to invest any more time/energy into something like this if they can just go for the instant gratification that so many other promiscuous women will offer.

perspective 2: the women who has been promiscuous is undesireable as a serious partner, so when those males that just wanted a casual hook-up start looking at having something more stable...the last thing they want is a woman who has been around the block a few times, so to speak

Of course this is just one set of perspectives from my observations/experiences. Regardless...the main point is...just be yourself and if you're not judging anyone else, then don't let anyone judge you either. These people are not worth your time and the opinion of such judgemental/narrow-minded people is, in my opinion, worthless!
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post #19 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-05-2011, 12:15 AM
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