"If your over 30 than you cant blame your parents anymore or the way that you are raised a - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 30 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 07:56 AM Thread Starter
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"If your over 30 than you cant blame your parents anymore or the way that you are raised a


I had someone tell me that "If your over 30 than you cant blame your parents anymore or the way that you are raised anymore for your problems."

Im 42 years young. While I agree with this statement to a certain extent. You are responsible at a certain point for improving your won life and fixing it yourself. Because no else is going to do it for you.

However I disagree in that if you experienced childhood trauma these are not things that are easily fixed and sometimes cant be fixed at all in my opinion. And if they can be fixed you may not know how to or have the life skiills to do it yourself.

It almost sounds like a form of victim blaming to me saying you just need to fix and / or get over it.

Thoughts?
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post #2 of 30 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 08:18 AM
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On the one hand, it should be obvious that cause-and-effect doesn't stop to apply at age 30 all of a sudden. On the other hand, parents also had parents of their own that shaped them into what they are, and it just goes on like that until the dawn of time. So you either accept that we're all products of our circumstances (not just parents, though they are a huge factor), or you believe that you take responsibility for yourself around age 18, or whenever you're mentally mature enough. A cutoff point of 30 years seems arbitrary.
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post #3 of 30 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 10:18 AM
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Its a tough one. I get both points. On the one hand parents gave you both the genetics and the environment. On the other hand people have to believe in the ability to overcome, and some people certainly can.



Its similar to the question about how much agency you give an alcoholic or addict. Its a disease yeah, but there is an onus on someone to seek treatment and not blame everything on it.


I think maybe the answer is by adulthood you no longer blame just your parents, you can recognize everyone has human failings. But if you went through something you can see other societal influences on them and you. And you can recognize the help you need?
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post #4 of 30 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 11:30 AM
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by the time you're 30 you ought to have had those conversations already. at some stage "this is your fault" becomes "this is what I have to live with". altering your parents behaviour no longer serves any benefit. you're not the historic bad parenting police.

also you can recognize the wider failings of the community, the massive failings of people in general, your own ongoing failings. what a wonderful world

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post #5 of 30 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 11:53 AM
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Well unfortunately it's not that nice and neat. Pple get to therapy or have realizations and understanding at different times. If you hate yourself for 50 yrs, get into therapy, then realize the reason you've suffered is because of programming taught by your parents, it's reasonable to go through a period of being angry or blaming your parents. Once you feel and allow those emotions, they usually pass and you're able to understand why they are the way they are and that they usually tried their best (then keep it moving focused on your life.) That's a typical part of healing from early life trauma.

Whether it happens at 40, 50, 60 or 70, the healing process will happen when it's allowed to. Whether a rando person who doesn't understand mental health thinks it should have happened by 30 or not doesn't matter lol.

Overcoming inertia.

Know your ACE (adverse childhood experiences) score?
Sometimes, SA is a symptom of significant developmental, attachment or interpersonal trauma (emotional neglect counts). If you're still stuck after you've tried SA treatments such as CBT and exposure, research C-PTSD and see if it resonates. Here's an awesome resource. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
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post #6 of 30 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 11:54 AM
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What about inbreeding ? ... Just tell people your parents were brother & sister & they'll leave you alone.






And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
A poor player that strut's and fret's his hour upon the stage and is heard no more,
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
- Macbeth
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post #7 of 30 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 02:57 PM
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It's all case by case.

Some people just get complacent with doing the whole woe is me thing and blaming the rest of the world even though they have every means necessary of getting to where they want to be. Those people need either a slap in the face or a little positive reinforcement to nudge them out.

Some people have parents that actually isolate them or hinder their ability to access other forms of support, making them dependant on the parent regardless of their age because they aren't able to seek out help on their own. Whether it's because of a disability or a previous trauma, these kinds of people are the ones that genuinely need someone to physically step in to help them get to where they need to be before they can start improving on their own.
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post #8 of 30 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 03:12 PM
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For myself, as I am blessed to have had a lot of therapy, and have developed the traits, as per CFT that actually let me look at my suffering and do my best to try to alleviate them, I am able to take responsibility for my own steps to alleviating my suffering.

I am not sure that *blame* is ever particularly effective for anything. Other than making any kind of change less likely. I don't expect anyone else to be able to do what I now think I can, and I sure as **** wasn't able to do this without the therapy, so no clue how someone can magically just "man themselves past trauma" once they reach the age 30.

So no. Its just not how things work.

For myself though, I very compassionately will not let myself off the hook. But I have no business telling anyone else they should be able to do anything, tbh. Not my business.

I recommend CFT and ACT and keep banging on about them for a very very good reason, though.

Compassion focused therapy audio, guided meditations:

https://balancedminds.com/audio/
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post #9 of 30 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 03:14 PM
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I don't think it's a very useful saying. It's a bit like 'man up' doesn't actually help anyone. Yeah I agree it's victim blaming, probably mostly a status thing too.
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post #10 of 30 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 03:15 PM
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"If your children are over 30, then you can't keep treating them like they are under 18 in need of your supervision and control just maintain feeling relevant as a parent, while also inappropriately pushing into their boundaries, and subjecting them to your own problems."

The truth is strictly what the ones in power perceives it to be.

Enjoy any good things, even the little and menial ones, as you will never know what impending distresses could descend upon you in a moment.
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post #11 of 30 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 04:18 PM
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Yes, because regardless of their environment, the person should just magically poop out the tools and resources to fix his/her self...

"If you need a safe space, see a therapist" - Jordan Peterson
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post #12 of 30 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 05:22 PM
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People are free to blame whoever they want, the key here is if others will care. I don't think, in general, after a person reaches a certain age people in general are going to care. I mean, in certain instances they certainly will, such as on this thread, or in a subject regarding how your parents behaved. But, say for example, you are at work and are not keeping up, you are a 33 year old and tell your boss and coworkers that it is your parents fault that you are unable to keep up with the workflow, then they are not going to likely care how your parents raised you. Or, say you are unable to keep up with the rent, and you explain to your landlord that you were never taught finances by your parents, they are not likely to care.


It is all situational, but in general I don't think many people will care after you reach a certain age. This doesn't mean that the person is wrong, it just means that most people are not going to be interested in listening to them. I think past a certain age, you lose a lot of the support you had when you were younger, and society in general expects you to perform your tasks without excuse. Once you are in your twenties, this seems to happen.

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post #13 of 30 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 05:24 PM
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I used to believe this, but the early years are formative and will affect someone the rest of their lives. Things like abuse, neglect, and poverty will affect someone's psyche well into adulthood.

I left my toxic family years ago and have minimal contact with them... but yet, I'm about to embark on $100+/hr therapy sessions just to try moving on from the pain and suffering they've put me through for two decades. Despite almost never speaking to them, bad memories and feelings haunt me literally every. Fcuking. Day. I'm almost 30.

I live with a partner (used to live alone). Work a respectable career for respectable companies to support myself. I've traveled a lot, made friends, did a lot of new things. Expanded my horizons away from their influence so to speak.

BUT IT DOESN'T GO AWAY.

And you know what makes this a million times worse? My family doesn't think they've done anything wrong and my parents can't imagine why their kids resent them so deeply. So delusional, selfish, and narcissistic that they are. I'm filled with rage and for years, my brother was too.
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post #14 of 30 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 05:43 PM
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Blame is the wrong word. It's appropriate to understand you were a child and notice what was your parent's responsibility in order to stop blaming yourself for things a child had no capacity to handle (referring to the OP and early life trauma, btw. Trauma isn't just something one gets over. It has to be processed.)

It's nice and neat to say it's time to take responsibility, but that's not the way the human brain works. Many pple cannot see an option to take responsibility. These are pple suffering, who would do anything to change their life. Many languish their entire lives feeling powerless because vital skills were bypassed in their early life. The skills don't magically happen when society says you're old enough. If developmentally you have the social skills of a young child or no self soothing ability like an infant, you'll be walking around at 30 with pple saying take responsibility, but having no capacity to understand what that means in the way a more healthy person does.

In any case, this is a greater social issue highlighting the lack of understanding of how development and mental health difficulties work. Just like the traumatized 30 year old won't have a lightbulb moment of responsibility without appropriate help, an unaware society won't have a lightbulb moment about how all this works without the concerted effort of the mental health community, professionals and sufferers alike.

Overcoming inertia.

Know your ACE (adverse childhood experiences) score?
Sometimes, SA is a symptom of significant developmental, attachment or interpersonal trauma (emotional neglect counts). If you're still stuck after you've tried SA treatments such as CBT and exposure, research C-PTSD and see if it resonates. Here's an awesome resource. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
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post #15 of 30 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 08:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blue2 View Post
What about inbreeding ? ... Just tell people your parents were brother & sister & they'll leave you alone.
They would definitely leave you alone. But in Alabama they would be excited to hear the story.


What is a man?
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post #16 of 30 (permalink) Old 08-14-2020, 11:29 AM
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They would definitely leave you alone. But in Alabama they would be excited to hear the story.
I bet most rednecks are originally from Ireland & Scotland, we invented inbreeding : /






And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
A poor player that strut's and fret's his hour upon the stage and is heard no more,
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
- Macbeth
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post #17 of 30 (permalink) Old 08-15-2020, 07:40 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chrisinmd View Post
I had someone tell me that "If your over 30 than you cant blame your parents anymore or the way that you are raised anymore for your problems."

Im 42 years young. While I agree with this statement to a certain extent. You are responsible at a certain point for improving your won life and fixing it yourself. Because no else is going to do it for you.

However I disagree in that if you experienced childhood trauma these are not things that are easily fixed and sometimes cant be fixed at all in my opinion. And if they can be fixed you may not know how to or have the life skiills to do it yourself.

It almost sounds like a form of victim blaming to me saying you just need to fix and / or get over it.

Thoughts?
No I agree,

You cant use excuses for the mess you're in in life.. despite even trauma.
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post #18 of 30 (permalink) Old 08-15-2020, 09:39 AM
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How we're raised and how we're treated by our parents is obviously going to have a huge effect on us. It shapes us. I think at some point with me I gradually just moved on. I started breaking away at quite a young age though - at 16 I left school and by my late teens I was usually staying at my girlfriends house. I went home when I needed something - and what my parents thought about any of it was not really at the front of my mind, if I'm perfectly honest.

I think our perspective changes when we have children of our own too. There's no rule book for it - and I'm sure a lot of people **** it up. And no matter how well you think you may have done, there's always something someone (even your children) will think they possibly could have done better. (probably until they have children of their own and try to do it themselves)

I deleted all that other crap. I hope I didn't offend anyone. At my age I just think it's about time I took responsibility for my own mistakes in life. We all have to face up to them at some stage.
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post #19 of 30 (permalink) Old 08-15-2020, 09:53 AM
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What about inbreeding ? ... Just tell people your parents were brother & sister & they'll leave you alone.
OK this made me laugh

@harrison I do find your posts here offensive because you are saying that people should take responsibility for the abuse they went through as kids. And after a while, people's sh.itty behaviour should just automatically be forgiven. Many, many parents do not abuse children (and animals) and create a toxic environment like mine did, and then double down and blame the kids for it.

I'm all for bootstrapping, and I've done that after seeing my parents for the bats.hits they are and left at 21. I'm not blaming them for my failures - I'm blaming them for being sh.it parents and sh.it people, and putting that burden onto me for 2 decades.
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post #20 of 30 (permalink) Old 08-16-2020, 07:34 AM
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@harrison

Sorry, I've overreacted. I'm having like the worst period in my life of bad feelings resurfacing from 10-20 years ago (despite being no-contact with my family), and some comments unintentionally struck a nerve.

I found it insensitive to dismiss or invalidate people's feelings or experiences just because they've hit a certain age. It perpetuates the abuse long after it's over - making people feel like they don't matter and what happened to them didn't matter.

If I could just get on with it, I really, really would. My demon mother is living in my head rentfree and I'm the only one hurting from it. But it's just not so easy for some people. She abused me for 2 decades till I finally left in my early 20s... I've had less than half that amount of time to process and move on. I'm almost 30. I'm probably going to be 50 before I find peace and really face up to what happened, as you say.
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