Bullying and the effects of...

Hi all, hope you are all well, and staying safe in these COVID times... I wanted to open a general discussion on bullying... I wonder how many of us have been bullied at some point in our lives, the effects of it, and if we are still suffering with it. I also wonder if, for some of us, it has indeed been the cause of our Social Anxiety, and how many of us are currently getting Professional help and support with it. It's a meaty discussion thread, hopefully not a boring one, and I hope many of us will contribute and plenty of positive outcomes achieved. Here's hoping, and I look forward to your input and your replies...

Honestly, I was never bullied at any point in my life. That's not to say that bullying didn't happen in the schools I went to, because it happens in all schools, I was just never the target of it. I was largely ignored, actually. Slipped under a lot of peoples' radars.
Of course, then when I graduated from high school I went into the military, where I was bullied every day for three months during boot camp, but that's sort of the whole point of boot camp lol
The funny thing is, I'm not even sure bullying really exists in adulthood, by which I mean nobody calls it that. If you're a teenager and you're being picked on by a classmate, it's called bullying. But if you're an adult and you're being picked on by a coworker, that coworker is considered to be just being a jerk.

Thank you for your reply and for your input I think bullying takes many forms, but I like your opinion of workplace bullying... I wonder, do you suffer with Social Anxiety, and if so, may I be so bold as to how it happened (you obviously don't have to answer any of this).

I've written about this a lot, too. People don't want to hear me whining about it again, haha. Here's one of my most recent posts about it.

I don't think I'd call what I have social anxiety disorder, even though it looks an awful lot like it a lot of the time. I'm not really worried about people's opinions of me, or about making a fool of myself. (I was in the drama club in hs, for example.) I don't think I worry about that sort of thing any more than most people.

What I'm afraid of is physical violence. I'm crazy hypervigilant about it and irrationally afraid that random people are going to try to hurt me. It interacts in really unfortunate ways with my OCD (which is about violence). And there probably is some kind of link between that and the bullying I got when I was younger. But otoh, I wasn't bullied any worse than a lot of other people, so my reaction is really way out of proportion to what it should be. Which is where my genetic predisposition comes in. (I come from a family full of people with anxiety disorders.)

I am finally getting professional help. Though I'm not sure my therapist knows what to do with me yet.

Thank you so much for sharing your posts I can relate to the threat of being physically attacked. I think in every social confrontation, in the back of everyone's mind is "this could escalate to being physically attacked". Which possibly triggers a fight or flight response, leading to many not giving as good as they get in verbal exchanges etc. This in my opinion might give a green light to bullying... Then there are those who just beat up the vulnerable because they feel they can.
As a gay guy I can relate to a lot of what you have written. I was brought up in a time where being gay was the lowest of the low. My family had their views to a point, and then there was all the remarks from people in school etc. that we hear day in, day out... All of this sinks into our sub-consious, and becomes part of us, when we give ourselves labels of "gay" etc. Thing is everyone's perception and views are different. These labels don't define us, we are unique, suddenly being gay etc. doesn't change the person we are, just possibly the perception we have of ourselves. At the age of 20, the best thing I ever did was take up Sport Karate. I only trained for about 6 months, but those 6 months transformed me for life, for the better. If I had my time again, but in the present day I would take up Mixed Martial Arts. It's a much better way and more effective way to learn Self Defence. You don't have to go full contact (Sport Karate was only ever light contact), but you learn a lot from light contact sparring, and you also learn all those submission holds etc. It is a far more effective way to keep yourself safe, and free from harm, and takes the fear out of confrontations. I highly recommend it, it's literally life changing. Hope this helps, and it would be great if you could share more. Love, Peace and Respect to you

@OCDguy1

I was on a forum for trans people about 15+ years ago and people gave this advice all the time, lol. "Learn self-defense." And "Carry mace. Carry a gun. Never go anywhere by yourself." (This was all before trans issues really hit mainstream.)

Problem is, I have vertigo, so I lose my balance very easily. Just turning my head too fast can do it. I'm completely useless in a fight. Even walking can be a bit of a challenge some days. I can't drive, either, for the same reason; because I don't want to lose my balance and drive into oncoming traffic.

So, the problem for me is that I'm visibly gender nonconforming (I don't pass, ie. I'm a "man in a dress"), which makes me a visible target; I can't defend myself physically because of my vertigo; I have to walk everywhere (I'd be much safer driving); and I have no friends so I have to go everywhere alone. My therapist suggested getting an "emotional support animal" (ie. a dog) but I can't afford to look after one.

This makes me feel extremely vulnerable whenever I leave the house. Obv, most people have no intention of hurting me, but it only takes one person to **** up your life. And as my OCD is about violence, it makes being anywhere there are other people extremely nerve-racking for me.

The two easiest ways for me to solve this problem are: 1. passing (which is impossible without advanced alien technology) and 2. getting a friend IRL so I don't have to do everything by myself. But (aside from one nonconforming person I saw a few months ago, who may have not even been trans) I've never even seen another non-passing trans woman in my entire life, and they're about the only people who might be okay with being seen in public with me (depends on whether or not they think they're passing themselves, haha). Imagine being the only one of your kind (a visible--and generally disliked--minority) in your community. It's like everything in my life has conspired to make my existence as uncomfortable as possible.

I've been bullied and it did affect me for a good amount of time. Not going to say that I'm 'over it', but seeing how long ago it has been and how I've defied some odds that were against me since almost the beginning anyway I don't give it as much headspace. I do think that the effects lingered in some way or another with one example being that I avoid looking at strangers because of some fear that they will judge me, especially when they are with other people. But even if I wasn't bullied I think it would still be the same because I don't like making much eye contact unless I open up and become close to someone to begin with. I try to look at it that just about every single person I've met since then I don't have contact with, so it's better to keep that chapter in the past now that I have that advantage of not being around them anymore.

Edit: Oh, the case above I'm mainly talking about was back when I was in middle school (somewhat) and high school. There have been some recent instances where some people were 'pulling my leg' but they don't phase me as much now since I somewhat learned to use my voice when having my buttons pushed enough times.

Bullied at primary school, bullied at secondary school. Also became a bully at secondary school to deflect away from me, I am ashamed to say.

I think early parenting made me especially vulnerable to bullying. When a parent is a bully, it sets a precedent. People shouldn't bully and take advantage, but the reality is, if you aren't even able to set boundaries because you come from a household where you weren't allowed any, at all, it makes you very vulnerable to it.

In my case, yes, this played a role, but I think more significant for me was my acne (which led to bullying of course), but it also made me basically terrified to see how people would react to my face (and react they very often did). I think most of it for me is just that instinctive feeling I will be judged harshly now.

Bullying, likely an emotionally abusive early childhood, severe acne that wasn't treated properly. Then OCD and social withdrawal (that wasn't treated either), genetic predisposition.

Yeah mostly by one person from age 6~ to around 18 (but I mostly avoided them from 16-18.) It's kind of a complicated and unusual case I think since I've not heard others describe similar stuff, but cba going into it, I also don't like to to be honest. I was socially anxious before I think, and anxiety issues seem to run in my family, but I'm sure it ****ed me up in other ways. There were also other kids who would occasionally make rude comments etc but not proper bullying. I think the fact that nobody ever helped me successfully including adults around me even after being made aware of what I was going through, informed my world view, certainly my opinions about the education system.

Sad the school didn't get blown up (my primary school got set on fire once, didn't get closed down though.. Although I had friends there as well and didn't heavily start hating school until secondary school. All I got were a few snow days. Some other place blew up and I got the day off school due to fumes once I think too.)

I was very small for my age going into secondary school, extremely dorky, shy etc I was like a lamb to the slaughter, fun times were had by all.

I think it's worth remembering that people generally mature quite quickly after leaving school, but it can be hard to grasp that if we aren't mixing after leaving school. This can leave some of us with a perception that everyone behaves in the same manner as the people we mixed with in school. I think Forums like this one can be a great place to keep our Social Skills and perceptions upto scratch... I just wanted to thank everyone who has contributed, it takes courage to share, and it also takes great people to help and support each other, and take time out to understand each others too.

I wouldn't think twice about accompanying you, in fact it would be a pleasure and a honour You come across as a very interesting person.

:-)... I'm not sure bout that, I've mixed enough to know an a-hole is always gonna be an a-hole, I've been in jobs where guys in their 60's were bullying people.

Easy to say from the other side of a computer screen. But thanks. You seem like a very kind and thoughtful person.

I'm just me, nothing more, nothing less

I was bullied by the tallest dude in my elementary school, he was a year older than me and a whopping 6 foot 2 in eighth grade, i think he ended up being like 6 foot 9. Needless to say i just tried avoiding him as much as possible.

Scarred me a bit, but I'm a pretty sensitive dude, so it could have gone over much worse in my psyche then it actually did.

I can relate, there were a couple of tall lads in my year too, who were quite full of themselves and liked to pick on lesser folk (me being one of them), although in my case I think I brought it on myself by embarassing one infront of the class (but I really didn't like seeing people being needlessly set upon, and still don't)...

I'm probably going to make some enemies by saying this, so let me start by saying that I absolutely believe that bullying has an effect on children's behaviour... but I also think that the more you hate your life right now, the more likely you are to think it's all because you were bullied. If you examine two high school graduates who are identical, but one makes good friends in law school and the other doesn't make any connections in college, the latter is way more likely to say that bullying ruined his life.

Bullying can and does ruin people's lives. It's effects can be long lasting, for some it literally costs them their life! There are bullys who become good at masking their true nature and for them bullying becomes a way of life and it staggers belief that anyone would want to employ anyone with that mind-set, let alone give them any kind of authority or influence in life!

Honestly, this sounds like something from one of those fear-mongering 'learn to spot secret narcissists' videos. Most of the people who bullied me in high school had bad stuff happen to them, got married and had children. They are not the same people from back then.