"A letter to my wife, who wont get a job while I work myself to death" - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 108 (permalink) Old 07-03-2016, 05:19 AM Thread Starter
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"A letter to my wife, who wont get a job while I work myself to death"


A letter to … my wife, who won’t get a job while I work myself to death
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeands...yself-to-death

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I remember the thrill of first seeing you at law school orientation. You were radiant in a sea of dour, nervous faces. It quickly became clear that you were kind, down-to-earth, engaging, loyal to family and friends. By graduation, we were inseparable. We took the bar exam and were married. The future looked bright – two freshly minted lawyers with supportive families and a dream of starting a family of our own some day.

I started my career with the gruelling hours and high stress that are traditionally visited on young lawyers. You were unexpectedly ambivalent about finding a good job – or any job. After gentle pressure from me, and more from the student loan payments, you puttered around in some non-legal positions more suited for someone with half your education and intelligence, and which offered commensurately low pay.

Pregnancy – something we both wanted – diverted you to the most important job in the world. After a few years, we were blessed with a second child. You have never returned to work, although both kids have been at school full-time for years, and our firstborn is heading to college soon.

I’ve climbed the professional ladder reasonably well. We have the trappings of middle-class success – a nice house in a safe, quiet neighborhood; annual holidays; happy, healthy children; money saved for their college years. But it has come at enormous personal cost to me. My stress level has increased dramatically with added responsibilities at work and my health has deteriorated. People who haven’t seen me for years flinch when we meet again and I’ve attended more than one event at which I have overheard someone remarking on how much I’ve aged.

I don’t think I can do this for another 25 years. I often dream of leaving my firm for a less demanding position, with you making up any financial deficit with a job – even a modest one – of your own. I’ve asked, and sometimes pleaded, for years with you to get a job, any job. Many of my free hours are spent helping with the house and the kids, and I recognise that traditional gender roles are often oppressive, but that cuts both ways. I would feel less used and alone if you pitched in financially, even a little.

That’s not going to happen. It has become clear that you are OK with my working myself to death at a high-stress career that I increasingly hate, as long as you don’t have to return to the workforce.

You keep busy volunteering, exercising and pursuing a variety of hobbies. You socialise with similarly situated women who also choose to remain outside the paid workforce. You all complain about various financial pressures, but never once consider, at least audibly, that you could alleviate the stress on both your budgets and your burnt-out husbands by earning some money yourselves.

Our family is grateful for all that we enjoy and we know that we’re far more fortunate than millions who work far harder than I ever have, or will. And I know all too well that work can be unpleasant. But I don’t want you to work so I can buy a Jaguar or a holiday home. I want you to work so I can get a different position and we can still maintain a similar standard of living.

I want you to get a job so I don’t wake up in the middle of the night worrying that my career is the only one between us and financial ruin. I want you to work so our marriage can feel more like a partnership and I can feel less like your financial beast of burden. I want our daughter to see you in the workforce and I want her to pursue a career so she is never as dependent on a man as you are on me, no matter how much he loves her (and he will).

But mostly I want you to get a job because I want to feel loved.

Anonymous
Holy ****, this guy is living my nightmare Stay safe out there guys.
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post #2 of 108 (permalink) Old 07-03-2016, 05:42 AM
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Seriously, THAT is your nightmare???

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post #3 of 108 (permalink) Old 07-03-2016, 05:45 AM
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Who do you blame, the wife that doesn't want to work or the husband that's enabling it? Most people will get their *** to work when they have no option, short of a true physical disability. When you enable people to be lazy, they will take the easy route.

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post #4 of 108 (permalink) Old 07-03-2016, 05:46 AM Thread Starter
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Seriously, THAT is your nightmare???
I will never support a useless, do nothing ***** and work to let her have a fun life. I'd rather stay alone for the rest of my life. Women who choose not to work disgust me, and the men who enable them disgust me too. And this is obviously something I worry about, since I'm not hot, I'm not charming, I don't have a big dick; all I have is a good job, and I'm worried about women who might be interested in me for that reason.
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post #5 of 108 (permalink) Old 07-03-2016, 05:47 AM
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listen to nubly.. hes right.
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post #6 of 108 (permalink) Old 07-03-2016, 05:48 AM Thread Starter
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Who do you blame, the wife that doesn't want to work or the husband that's enabling it? Most people will get their *** to work when they have no option, short of a true physical disability. When you enable people to be lazy, they will take the easy route.
They're both wrong, but obviously her. What is his option, leave her? quit his job and hope she manages to find something quickly? It's hard to just leave someone when you've spent that long with them, and have kids. He's basically emotionally blackmailed into continuing to fund her.

She's basically a liar too. The met in law school. What stupid **** spends that much time and money on education if they don't ever want to use it? She pretended to have ambitions, got a guy with a job, and is living off him now.
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post #7 of 108 (permalink) Old 07-03-2016, 05:48 AM
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Originally Posted by Wings of Amnesty View Post
I will never support a useless, do nothing ***** and work to let her have a fun life. I'd rather stay alone for the rest of my life. Women who choose not to work disgust me, and the men who enable them disgust me too. And this is obviously something I worry about, since I'm not hot, I'm not charming, I don't have a big dick; all I have is a good job, and I'm worried about women who might be interested in me for that reason.

why so salty
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post #8 of 108 (permalink) Old 07-03-2016, 06:09 AM
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why so salty
haha, yup!

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post #9 of 108 (permalink) Old 07-03-2016, 06:12 AM
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why so salty
Man or woman, it's not healthy to support lazy people.

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post #10 of 108 (permalink) Old 07-03-2016, 06:15 AM Thread Starter
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Man or woman, it's not healthy to support lazy people.
And the parts I bolded: she likes to hang out with her equally lazy friends and ***** about how their husbands don't earn enough; and she's setting a bad example for their daughter.
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post #11 of 108 (permalink) Old 07-03-2016, 06:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Wings of Amnesty View Post
I will never support a useless, do nothing ***** and work to let her have a fun life. I'd rather stay alone for the rest of my life. Women who choose not to work disgust me, and the men who enable them disgust me too. And this is obviously something I worry about, since I'm not hot, I'm not charming, I don't have a big dick; all I have is a good job, and I'm worried about women who might be interested in me for that reason.
Whatever makes you happy, dude.

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post #12 of 108 (permalink) Old 07-03-2016, 06:46 AM
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Sounds like he needs to sit down with her and talk about downsizing their cost of living.

Four options:
1) leave the status quo as-is
2) she gets a job
3) he moves down to a less stressful job
4) he threatens her with divorce

#1's not working
#2's not happening (or has the topic even been broached between them?)
#4's awfully messy

That leaves #3. Figure out what to do to make it happen.


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post #13 of 108 (permalink) Old 07-03-2016, 06:55 AM Thread Starter
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Sounds like he needs to sit down with her and talk about downsizing their cost of living.

Four options:
1) leave the status quo as-is
2) she gets a job
3) he moves down to a less stressful job
4) he threatens her with divorce

#1's not working
#2's not happening (or has the topic even been broached between them?)
#4's awfully messy

That leaves #3. Figure out what to do to make it happen.
He says "Ive asked, and sometimes pleaded, for years with you to get a job, any job."

From the sounds of it, 3 can't happen without 2. I'd imagine that's true for many people, you can't exactly support a family of 4 and the costs of college on a single ~50k income.
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post #14 of 108 (permalink) Old 07-03-2016, 07:06 AM
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Child-raising is a job in and of itself... I'm sure them being at school 5 days a week doesn't make it that much easier.

Well, there's the problem though. One person has to choose between pursuing a career and family, and then the other person chooses a "high-stress" career that gives no time to participate at home. The whole system is ****ed and since it seems so easy for him to get a job, I guess he should talk to her so he can transition to something better.

Or forget the family "dream" implanted in our heads.

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post #15 of 108 (permalink) Old 07-03-2016, 07:10 AM
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If you screen for character while dating, you'll probably be fine. If you fall for the first conventionally attractive woman who shows you attention, yeah, this is something that could very well happen. If I had a nice paycheck, I'd be highly suspicious of especially conventionally attractive women showing interest in me.

Part of the problem is the way our society is set up. If we were more like Germany, women would be able to stay home to raise kids thanks to all the benefits. Average guys would make enough money to provide for their families without working a ridiculous amount of hours a week. The job security so many of them have would make things less stressful.

The USA system is not good for average people.


Check out the life of the average German family:

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post #16 of 108 (permalink) Old 07-03-2016, 07:12 AM
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From the sounds of it, 3 can't happen without 2. I'd imagine that's true for many people, you can't exactly support a family of 4 and the costs of college on a single ~50k income.
It may require a long-distance relocation -- something in a smaller city or town.

Faced with that, she may re-think. Even something part-time would add up fast. When people think of earning a monthly income, they can tend to think in the thousands while discounting that even a few hundred dollars a month can make a big difference. It wouldn't take much to start an online business, either, especially if they already have capital to their name.


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post #17 of 108 (permalink) Old 07-03-2016, 07:12 AM Thread Starter
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Child-raising is a job in and of itself... I'm sure them being at school 5 days a week doesn't make it that much easier.

Well, there's the problem though. One person has to choose between pursuing a career and family, and then the other person chooses a "high-stress" career that gives no time to participate at home. The whole system is ****ed and since it seems so easy for him to get a job, I guess he should talk to her so he can transition to something better.

Or forget the family "dream" implanted in our heads.
No, it's not. But even if you think that, it doesn't sound like she's doing much child-raising, with all her volunteering, hobbies, and socializing with other trophy wives.

It also doesn't sound like she had to choose between a career and family, looking at this story she was a lazy bum before they even had kids, refusing to get a real job ("You were unexpectedly ambivalent about finding a good job or any job.) It took pressure from him to even start working a low paying job, which she bailed on the moment she was able to get pregnant.
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post #18 of 108 (permalink) Old 07-03-2016, 07:13 AM
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Once I was in the car with someone who picked up a female and then later one she asked me for 50 cents and I think she already knew I had money in my pocket because it could be heard when I was walking so I couldn't really lie so I was hesitating but just gave it to her then I was mad because I don't even know who this person is so I got used for money, these gold diggers are really deceiving yo, it's like money is always in their mind and they'll find any way they can get it
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post #19 of 108 (permalink) Old 07-03-2016, 07:40 AM
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Originally Posted by minimized View Post
Child-raising is a job in and of itself... I'm sure them being at school 5 days a week doesn't make it that much easier.

Well, there's the problem though. One person has to choose between pursuing a career and family, and then the other person chooses a "high-stress" career that gives no time to participate at home. The whole system is ****ed and since it seems so easy for him to get a job, I guess he should talk to her so he can transition to something better.

Or forget the family "dream" implanted in our heads.
Raising a child is not a job, it's a responsibility that both parents do. You feed your kids, you play with them, you help them with school work but there are no quotas to meet, there are no deadlines to meet, and it's a pleasure to be around them.

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post #20 of 108 (permalink) Old 07-03-2016, 07:48 AM
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Originally Posted by nubly View Post
Raising a child is not a job, it's a responsibility that both parents do. You feed your kids, you play with them, you help them with school work but there are no quotas to meet, there are no deadlines to meet, and it's a pleasure to be around them.
It sure doesn't feel like it.

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