Send me your spiders, I will give them homes.
...I frequently greet and chat a bit with the spiders I find lurking in our corners and windows. "Oh hello, you're new." "Wow, you're a big one!" "Good luck catching something." "Spideys vacate! I'm going to use the tub now!" "Oh no, you're an outdoor spider, what are you doing in here?" "Why did you have to build a web there
? That's a stupid spot, you know?"
This is probably rather weird and pathetic of me.
No, it's not weird and pathetic at all! I wish I was that way. I'm the weird and pathetic one, terrified of spiders.
I have a phobia, so if I know there's a spider in the same room as me, I won't be able to do anything as long as it's there. I completely shut down. I can't eat or sleep, let alone work. So it's either me or them. I've tried asking them politely to leave, because I hate killing them, but they don't listen. I've tried leaving them alone and they multiply to outrageous numbers; I start finding them in every corner.
I'm sorry to say that I send every spider I find to spider heaven*. Well, not all of them. The cellar spiders don't bother me as much, so I generally let them live as long as they're not in a spot I need to be standing under, like a doorway or something. But the yellow sacs -- straight to hell with the lot of them! Poisonous little buggers sting like a bee and can give you flesh eating disease; and my house is full of them. I kill over 100 a year, probably closer to 200. And have for at least a decade now. There were three spiders directly over the doorway to my kitchen yesterday. I killed the yellow sac, tried to leave the cellar dwellers alone, and then had to kill another yellow sac a few hours later. They seem to respawn every 24 hours or so.
So, to give you my spiders, I would have to set up some kind of daily commute, like a little train with a little spider conductor and get them all aboard. Which I would gladly do, were it possible.
* I'm being euphemistic here. If there is a hell, it's full of spiders; I know, because I put them there**.
** Haters, before judging, try living with something that terrifies you every day of your life and see how charitable you feel. Rarely a day goes by I don't have to deal with one, and they scare me even more than people do***.
*** Incidentally, much of my fear of the outdoors is explainable by the fact that there are even more
spiders outside. But I have a fear of bugs in general, and am especially terrified of stinging things, like bees and wasps and murder hornets. I have a problem with centipedes in my home, too, which get up to a couple inches long****.
**** Truly, imo, the best superpower would be not being afraid of spiders or insects.