Lack of dopamine ?
As I have found that SSRIs don't affect me much (they reduce a little anxiety but nothing more), I am starting to think that my SA has more to do with the fact that I feel anxious because I have very low levels of interest for things in life and find exhausting to constantly try to pretend when I don't have a drive. I have reduced my shyness a lot but still can't find a way to be happy, I still feel different. People always say I look bored, indifferent, without any emotions... And still I try not to be like that. As a result I crave for substances that can give me motivation and envy to do things... I auto medicate with alcohol, even if it is stupid and I know it, only because the feelings I get from it are two good, I can't give up on that (still I can be sober for a month if I wan to). When I drink all become interesting and enjoyable, I suddently want to do a lot of things that would otherwise bore me. When I drink a lot, I feel very depressed the day after, to the point of having suicidal thoughts. I also recently tried coffee and I have started to drink a lot of it as it makes me feel good. Ecstasy doesn't do much, it is less enjoyable than alcohol. I need higher dose than my friends. I feel ok on it but if I don't drink with it it's really not so enjoyable. Alcohol makes me way more social and motivated. It could be a sign, since I read that mdma primarily affect serotonin and a little dopamine.
I am very forgetful and distracted in my everyday life, I make a lot of stupid mistakes. I always assumed that it was because anxiety and depression were taking my mind (and it could be), but it could also be the result of low dopamine right ? I also tend to get tired. I take a lot of time to sleep because my mind can't shut up but once I am asleep I can sleep for a very long time and still feel tired. I have slight tremors, muscle twitching... Sometimes when I am not tired I get really agitated, like I have to move all the time or do something, but I can't really focus on anything that requires mental concentration.
Does it make sense ?
I will talk about it to my psy (cautiously, because I know that most of them get annoyed and close up when you show that you have done some research on your own).
Thing is, in France, there is not so many drugs that works on dopamine... There is no aderall and welbutrin is not used for depression and anxiety.