This is not strictly SA but I am seriously SA in every other aspect of life and have no place else to vent so I thought I'd just post here to get it out somewhere...
I have a colleague at work who is somewhere between a good colleague and a close friend. We don't meet outside of work much, but we've been working on a close personal basis for almost 5 years (shoulder to shoulder colleagues) so I know him very well.
Since I've met him, I've always had difficulties with him. Though I can talk very easily with him (he might be the one person I've ever known with whom I feel at ease) I also find him to have very difficult personal characteristics. For example, he lies and deceives, I am pretty sure. While we work for 2.5 hours together, he usually finishes his work as fast as possible and then sits out the remained of the time (sometimes 2 hours of the 2.5 hours we are supposed to work he plays on his cellphone), which irks me to no end.
This may not be really that bad, but there's other stuff. I notices he sometimes lies and withholds information to get what he wants. E.g., thrusday 2 weeks ago he came into work sick. He was aware of regulations with the coronacrisis going on, but did not tell me he was sick even though I was working next to him. I showed up at work and he was coughing and visibly ill. When I confronted him he told me he did not tell me out of shame, but I feel betrayed by these actions either ways.
There's more (feel free to skip this if anyone is reading but I just need to vent I feel). When a colleague of us from another department needs help (he has increased workload from time to time because he works alone) my colleague does not want to go help him. He says people will slack off if you help them and you will end up doing the work for him. I have to push him for us to go. I feel continually put on the spot because I have to argue with him over simple things that seem like simple human decency. But he never budges easily or in some cases doesn't.
The thing is, otherwise I get along with him great. Like I said, we talk a lot about stuff, interest, and other things and he is a great conversational partner. We have fun together. But as soon as it comes to stuff at work, we are polar opposites, and I feel I just cannot trust him when it comes down to the wire, which means I am constantly second-guessing his motives which is wearing on me.
Most of all, I just hate that stupid part of him that isn't upfront with me but deceives me, deceives others, tries to play with people. He is the literal definition of having cake and eating it too. He is such a cool person to hang out with, and at times he feels like an older brother. But the other half of the time I hate that I see him constantly trying to play everyone around them for his personal gain.
So then is the reason I am pointing this. For a long time, almost more than five years, I got along with him great. My difficulties with him were irksome, but I could swallow them, mostly because the job was good enough and he was nice to work with. But these last few weeks, I cannot seem to tolerate it anymore. I cannot get around the fact anymore that on some level I just hate working with him because his work attitude is the polar opposite of mine. I cannot seem to tolerate all the stupid things I mentioned above.
I don't know whether it's of this coronavirus, or maybe I could never tolerate him. As long as I've worked with him I never truly felt the need to hang out personally outside of work, even though he requested it now and again. It was always a "thing in between us". Or maybe it's just other pressures getting to me making it harder for me to swallow.
Right now I'm scared. I feel there've been tensions between us and I noticed he notices too. I'm afraid I just might blow and say the wrong things and we'll end up hating each other. Even though I have so many difficulties working with him, on a personal level he's the one person I get along with well and we share a lot of stuff (I normally would discuss this with him but... yeah, I can't).
I don't know what's going to happen and I'm really scared this thing will go sideways. Sorry if this turned into a blog post but I just had to get it out of the way. If anyone reading this has any thoughts I'd appreciate it, but there's not practical solutions here I feel. My emotions are so high and I cannot contain them anymore. I just hope I don't ruin what feels one of the few decent personal relationships I have in life.