My job is killing me - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 06-26-2020, 02:06 PM Thread Starter
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My job is killing me


I feel so lost.

I work 13 hours a day, and have been doing so for months and months.

I've basically stopped everything else, and I feel so depressed all the time, and broken down (I feel like I've already had a number of breakdowns, but somehow manage to keep going).

I hate my job. I hate my managers, my career, and most of all I hate my company.

My life is so messed up right now and has been for many years, I'm practically sure if I leave this job, I'll never work again. And there wouldn't be that many options anyway.

I can't see any meaningful future. I think I will have a humiliating public breakdown at one point this year, and I think there's nothing I can do to stop it.

I've always had this suspicion in the past that I just wasn't trying hard enough to get my life together, but now I'm sure there is nothing more I can do. I've put so much effort and try so hard and there just isn't any hope for my career. I've reached my physical limits, and I feel like I have nothing left to try.

Part of me just wants the breakdown to happen and for me to just stay in my room until I find a way to die. I cannot imagine a more miserable life than the one I've had in the past months. I know that's not true, but I've never felt so bad in my life, ever. And the worst thing is that it no longer feels like my life. Nothing feels mine anymore. Not my time and not my energy, not even my moods. It feels like slavery even if it isn't. My choices have always been so few because of mental illness, but now the choices I've made over the years are making my mental illness worse and worse and taking all my time and energy and taking away any hope for more choices.

not even sure why i'm writing this.

Ma 'alena
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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 06-26-2020, 05:35 PM
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What is your job? 13 hours ? really? i suggest you to change your job to find something you really like.
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 06-26-2020, 06:20 PM
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Dude - I totally feel you. Right now I'm only working like 43-45 hours a week but for a long stretch back a few years ago I'd be pulling 60-70 hours weeks. My max number of hours ever was 73 in one week. Some days I'd come in at 9:30 and leave after midnight. There was one month where I worked 3 weeks, 21 days in a row with no days off. had to work Saturday and Sunday for 3 weekends in a row. So I know the type of stress and misery you're going through.


Any chance you can move into another role internally? I also was (am still) in the same boat in that I'm deathly afraid of leaving my job or getting laid off because I don't feel like I could get another one. But maybe it would be doable to move around within the same company, that might not be as difficult as looking outside the company.


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And everybody can see I'm no good
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 06-27-2020, 12:41 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by minglee15 View Post
What is your job? 13 hours ? really? i suggest you to change your job to find something you really like.
I'm too old for that. I chose a career that is very intellectually demanding and needs a lot of team work. I think I highly overestimated my IQ at university, I thought I could overcome my handicaps with hard work, but that never happened really, and I never could become good enough at my work (good enough to move between companies or be confident at interviews, etc).

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Originally Posted by either/or View Post
Dude - I totally feel you. Right now I'm only working like 43-45 hours a week but for a long stretch back a few years ago I'd be pulling 60-70 hours weeks. My max number of hours ever was 73 in one week. Some days I'd come in at 9:30 and leave after midnight. There was one month where I worked 3 weeks, 21 days in a row with no days off. had to work Saturday and Sunday for 3 weekends in a row. So I know the type of stress and misery you're going through.
One thing that really upsets me is that my colleagues, and managers and so on, are all okay with this inhumane workload. I used to work at a small company that got acquired, and things have become unbearable ever since.

On paper, I'm only required to work 9 hours a day, but the workload would simply never fit in that time. And I guess the easiest thing for them to say is that we're not working efficiently enough and it's our fault. It's so disgusting honestly. I feel zero investment in the company, actually negative investment at this point.

Quote:
Any chance you can move into another role internally? I also was (am still) in the same boat in that I'm deathly afraid of leaving my job or getting laid off because I don't feel like I could get another one. But maybe it would be doable to move around within the same company, that might not be as difficult as looking outside the company.
I don't really know. I've tried that before, and it sort of messed up my resume, and my "actual" experience (because I spent a few years doing 'easy stuff').

Ma 'alena
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 06-27-2020, 01:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Myosr View Post
I feel so lost.

I work 13 hours a day, and have been doing so for months and months.
Well at least you have a job and are not hurting for money working that many hours so that is the good side of things.

I have had a similar job where I was miserable, worked long hours and my coworkers were all big A holes. Wish I would have quit earlier its not worth staying in that situation. What type of career you in? I would start applying for other jobs and see what your options are to get out. May have to take a bit of a pay cut but it should be worth it if your not miserable and get more time off.

But dont stay in a horrible situation
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 06-27-2020, 01:13 PM
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That's a lot of hours, jesus. 40 hours a week nearly kills me, couldn't imagine that much. I really want to switch jobs too but the whole interviewing process intimidates me. And then having to be on point during the training process. Now that the economy is in the crapper....makes it all the worse.
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 06-27-2020, 02:10 PM
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I am sorry to hear you are in such pain right now. Is there any small thing you can do that brings you a tiny measure of joy that is also a form of self care? Can you pause to listen to a favorite song that uplifts you? Can you take a deliberate moment to make and enjoy something to eat or drink - and take the time to give attention to what you are doing? The suggestion is to give yourself an intentional mini break to notice something good. For myself when I feel anxious I can forget I need to nurture and bring pleasure to myself in some way. It makes life more bearable to have moments of pleasure.
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 06-27-2020, 03:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Myosr View Post
I'm too old for that. I chose a career that is very intellectually demanding and needs a lot of team work. I think I highly overestimated my IQ at university, I thought I could overcome my handicaps with hard work, but that never happened really, and I never could become good enough at my work (good enough to move between companies or be confident at interviews, etc).

This kind describes my situation as well. I always thought I'd figure out my handicaps one day and it would be all good. Well now my anxiety (both SA and GAD) and insomnia are way worse than they used to be and I'm kind of screwed.


Not sure where you live but have you ever thought about government work? I've never had a government job but know a few people who have. From what I hear its a lot less stress, no OT, and most of the private sector pressure to perform is absent. I'm in grad school now but once I get out I might start looking in the public sector.



Quote:
I don't really know. I've tried that before, and it sort of messed up my resume, and my "actual" experience (because I spent a few years doing 'easy stuff').

Yah but anything's gotta be better than your current situation. You don't deserve to be a corporate slave.


I've been out haunting the neighborhood
And everybody can see I'm no good
When I'm walking out between parked cars
With my head full of stars
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