It's a bit like that simon pegg movie... A fantastic fear of everything! - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-30-2016, 06:06 PM Thread Starter
I'm not rude, i'm anxious
 
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It's a bit like that simon pegg movie... A fantastic fear of everything!


I have always been shy. I have always been aware of the feelings during comversations such as boring someone, not fitting in, worrying about what i'm going to say for fear of how people will react to it. I feel like I've been this way for as long as I can remember. 6, 7... 8 years old and feeling depressed or anxious about your social life seems crazy. As a child you should feel happy and free, without worry. I remember at the age of around 10, 11 being very aware of death and diseases and feeling comvinced that I was ill or going to get really ill soon. A total hypochondriac. My Granda died suddenly when I was 7 from a heart attack. Worst day of my life. The strange thing was that in the months before he died I became very aware of my grandparents age and health and had thoughts of them dying. I started to kiss my granda every time I seen him and every time I was leaving to go home. He was a very quiet man and, although very loving, was quite awkward when it came to hugs/kisses etc. About a month before he died I took pictures of him with my camera because of these thoughts and I remember thinking I need to get a good photo to remember him by. He was 57 when he died and that just shows you how ridiculous my thought process was at that age, so negative and taking on far too much emotional strain for my age. When I think of childhood now I think about all of the negatives. My mother suffered with asthma and I remember atleast once every week watching her struggling for a breath and thinking about life without her. Horrible thoughts to have as a young teen. I was the person running about in a panic getting the nebuliser out for her and rubbing her back, trying my best to calm her down. One weekend I went to visit my gran with my dad and older brother. We stayed late. That night my mum had an asthma attack in the house on her own. She came very close to dying. After that I couldn't let her out of my sight. I wouldn't go anywhere if she would be left alone. I'm 25 now and still worried sick. She now has COPD. Constant chest infections and a lot of hospital stays. She has been smoking for the past 4-5 years and we have fell out a lot because I can't stand her smoking. She lost her sister (my aunt) to cancer a few years ago, then her nephew (my cousin) to suicide after that. My parents split last year and not long after this my mother attempted suicide. A lot has happened in my life so far. I'm 25 and I just feel worn out. I don't think i've even processed most of the things that have happened. It's like one big blur. I have always been the most sensitive person you could ever meet. I feel other peoples emotions and i'm affected by their grief, like a lot of human beings I guess. I don't take criticism well and I care what other people think... way way too much. I hate arrogant people. I see people with confidence, and although I envy that confidence, I detest the way it can make them treat other people. I can never understand those who go out of their way to make other peoples lives difficult. I hate them on such a scale that I simply cannot be around them. I see popular people, people that I've worked with or played in sports teams with, and I think "why do so many people take to your personality" when I can see straight through it. Why in this world are the horrible, selfish and obnoxious people desirable.. While the people who do good, who love and care and feel get forgotten about. Look at the world of celebrities... children are growing up with justin biebers, miley cyrus, kim kardashians as role models. These people don't care. They think they are above the system. Why are there people struggling for clean water or people sleeping on the streets while we keep putting more and more money into the pockets of the rich. I detest the government. I detest corruption. I detest hypocrisy. I live in the U.K with a tax evading prime minister and it angers me why good honest people put up with this. Why we let ourselves be governed by selfish hypocrits who destroy our healthcare system (because they all earn enough to pay for private healthcare and simple don't care about public healthcare), invade countries for oil and other resources, get our men and women killed in wars started because of pure greed and stand and lie to us, answering questions with questions and never ever accepting responsibility for any of their actions. I've never ever understood the spending of public money. How is it that we invest in schools before we invest in healthcare. Am I missing something? In my hometown we spent 5 million pounds on a fountain and some fancy paving in the city centre, while the local A&E could only open at weekends and we couldn't afford to run the CCTV in town. Yeah I know, I shouldn't be thinking about things that I have no control over but that's an insight into the maddness that is my thought process from day to day. Sorry for the rant but I hope people can relate to that in some ways. Wanting to change the world but feeling like the last bumble bee alive trying to pollinate. I have a dog that I love with all my heart. As much as I love her, she adds to the anxiety in my life. I constantly worry about her. I love animals and I hate people who harm them. Rabbit, badger, deer hunting..... Disgusting. Testing products on animals.... Disgusting. Dog abuse, cat abuse, any form of abuse..... heart breaking. And why does it seem like facebook is full of nothing but videos of cruelty of some kind. I really should just delete it tbh. I want to live in a place where everyone gets on, where people look after eachother. Where money or career or ability do not define us as human beings. Man is not defined by height, weight, colour, sexual orientation, religion or belief... but by the size of his heart. A place where everyone is equal and has the freedom to enjoy their life with all of the things that we take for granted each day like water and food. Not one should die from hunger. Not one should die from dehydration. If you hold similar views then you probably feel like you don't fit in a lot of the time. Although my anxiety is out of control I know that part of the reason I don't always fit in is because I care so much more than most and I worry so much more than most. I think with anxiety you feel a lot of vulnerability because it feels like the world is just a scary place to live nowadays and a lot of things are out of our control. If anyone wants a chat please go ahead. I'm keen to hear other peoples thoughts and how you're dealing with your anxiety. Thanks for reading. Apologises for the length of text you know how it is once you get going lol.
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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-30-2016, 11:29 PM
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I enjoyed reading your wall of text, but maybe paragraphs next time?

Quote:
I have always been shy. I have always been aware of the feelings during comversations such as boring someone, not fitting in, worrying about what i'm going to say for fear of how people will react to it. I feel like I've been this way for as long as I can remember. 6, 7...8 years old and feeling depressed or anxious about your social life seems crazy.
Me too. When I entered kindergarten, it just got worse. Kids really pick up on that stuff and I was horribly bullied through elementary school and middle school. Luckily most bullies left me alone by high school. I was always an outcast but at least most of the blatant harassment stopped. I've struggled with undiagnosed depression and anxiety for a long time. I think the first time I had suicidal thoughts was when I was 8. I didn't have the words to describe what I was feeling then. It was just this feeling of "I wish I wasn't here. I wish I didn't exist." That feeling has really followed me into adulthood.

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I remember at the age of around 10, 11 being very aware of death and diseases and feeling comvinced that I was ill or going to get really ill soon. A total hypochondriac.
I got sick a lot as a kid. It was some physical *thing* that all the doctors I had seen could never figure out the cause of. A lot of throwing up, being cold all the time, a horrible persistent cough that is painful for other people to listen to that feels like I was coughing up my lungs. I think I was first aware of death when I was 5, that time I got sicker than I have ever been before or since. Learning about death at such a young age can really screw you up.

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My Granda died suddenly when I was 7 from a heart attack. Worst day of my life. The strange thing was that in the months before he died I became very aware of my grandparents age and health and had thoughts of them dying. [...] He was 57 when he died and that just shows you how ridiculous my thought process was at that age, so negative and taking on far too much emotional strain for my age.
My sympathies for your past struggles. My dad had a stroke when I was in my 20s and it was tough dealing with it then. I can't imagine having to go through all that as a kid.

Quote:
When I think of childhood now I think about all of the negatives. My mother suffered with asthma and I remember atleast once every week watching her struggling for a breath and thinking about life without her. Horrible thoughts to have as a young teen. I was the person running about in a panic getting the nebuliser out for her and rubbing her back, trying my best to calm her down. One weekend I went to visit my gran with my dad and older brother. We stayed late. That night my mum had an asthma attack in the house on her own. She came very close to dying. After that I couldn't let her out of my sight. I wouldn't go anywhere if she would be left alone. I'm 25 now and still worried sick. She now has COPD. Constant chest infections and a lot of hospital stays. She has been smoking for the past 4-5 years and we have fell out a lot because I can't stand her smoking.
It's such a reversal of what most people think about life. Your parents are meant to take care of you but to be forced into the parental role can be really traumatic. It's a lot of responsibility and you're going through it alone a lot of the time. You might have the best doctor in the world but they are still outsiders to how your family lives your life day-to-day. It's doubly frustrating when you can see your parent contributing to their own disease. My dad's weakness is food. If he had been controlling his blood sugar and high blood pressure, he might still have had the strokes but the aftereffects wouldn't be nearly as bad as they were.

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A lot has happened in my life so far. I'm 25 and I just feel worn out. I don't think i've even processed most of the things that have happened. It's like one big blur
I feel you. My defense mechanism has always been to compartamentalize everything, but it's just a band-aid for me so I can get through the day. I know I can't get better from my anxiety or other mental problems unless I deal with my issues though. But it seems everyone else's problems always seem to take priority over my own.

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I have always been the most sensitive person you could ever meet. I feel other peoples emotions and i'm affected by their grief, like a lot of human beings I guess. I don't take criticism well and I care what other people think...way way too much.
I'm the same way. I think a lot of other people perceive me as emotionally flat but that's because people have called me out in the past for being "too sensitive" so I try to go for a "neutral" expression most of the time. They don't know that negative experiences can haunt me for years. I think it's because I never developed the kind of self-confidence most people have from growing up.

Quote:
I hate arrogant people. I see people with confidence, and although I envy that confidence, I detest the way it can make them treat other people. I can never understand those who go out of their way to make other peoples lives difficult. I hate them on such a scale that I simply cannot be around them. I see popular people, people that I've worked with or played in sports teams with, and I think "why do so many people take to your personality" when I can see straight through it. Why in this world are the horrible, selfish and obnoxious people desirable.. While the people who do good, who love and care and feel get forgotten about.
I'm someone who obsesses about any time I even unintentionally offend or hurt someone else so the way some people live looks psychopathic to me. It seems like in modern society whoever is able to shout louder than any one else is the one who "wins" at life. In my experience genuinely good people just do good things because that's who they are and shy away from attention. They are the quiet background workers of the world while all the loud people take all the credit.

Quote:
Look at the world of celebrities... children are growing up with justin biebers, miley cyrus, kim kardashians as role models. These people don't care. They think they are above the system. [...] I detest the government. I detest corruption. I detest hypocrisy. I live in the U.K with a tax evading prime minister and it angers me why good honest people put up with this. Why we let ourselves be governed by selfish hypocrits who destroy our healthcare system (because they all earn enough to pay for private healthcare and simple don't care about public healthcare), invade countries for oil and other resources, get our men and women killed in wars started because of pure greed and stand and lie to us, answering questions with questions and never ever accepting responsibility for any of their actions.
We should blame ourselves because we are the ones who made those people famous. They are trainwrecks we can't look away from. At the same time people hate them, they kind of want to be them because they know the system is broken. Did people really fool themselves into thinking world governments weren't corrupt? Maybe it's harder to ignore when it's in black and white and red all over in the newspapers. Might as well be as bad as the worst society has to offer since they are the ones who have all the wealth and social influence anyway. Opiate for the masses indeed.

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I've never ever understood the spending of public money. How is it that we invest in schools before we invest in healthcare. Am I missing something?
I work in education so I see investment in education as equally important as healthcare. Better education means people are able to make better healthcare decisions. I'm stateside in the US but we definitely needed a better healthcare system yesterday. Things are only going to get worse since we're likely to face a primary care provider shortage in the near future. Not enough people are going into medicine to become primary care providers because the pay is crap relative to the workload. You can already see it in how insurance companies are trying to consolidate providers and how many providers are going into "concierge" medicine where you have to pay a premium in addition to your insurance just to see a doctor.

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I want to live in a place where everyone gets on, where people look after eachother. Where money or career or ability do not define us as human beings. Man is not defined by height, weight, colour, sexual orientation, religion or belief... but by the size of his heart. A place where everyone is equal and has the freedom to enjoy their life with all of the things that we take for granted each day like water and food. Not one should die from hunger. Not one should die from dehydration. If you hold similar views then you probably feel like you don't fit in a lot of the time.
It's a nice dream. What I dream of is a time where society can see the potential in people instead of judging them on their backgrounds, especially for people with mental disorders. I know there are a lot of people out there that for whatever reason "fall out" of society. They aren't bad people and haven't done any violent crimes but they are treated as criminals. They just need a chance to re-enter society. I don't get why society wants to implicitly punish people with no criminal history.

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I'm keen to hear other peoples thoughts and how you're dealing with your anxiety. Thanks for reading. Apologises for the length of text you know how it is once you get going lol.
My anxiety has progressively gotten worse over the last year. I try to count my blessings though. I have a job and a roof over my head so I'm better off than most.

Thanks for listening to anyone who reads this.
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 05-01-2016, 05:10 AM Thread Starter
I'm not rude, i'm anxious
 
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Hey thanks for your reply.

Paragraphs sounds like a great idea lol. I was just in one of those moods when you just type to get it all on paper while it's fresh in your mind.

I think you are completely right when you said that the good decent people do good things because it's who they ars and they shy away from the attention... that's definitely how I operate. To be honest, if someone gives me credit or recognition I actually cringe a littke bit lol. I just want ir to be over because it gives you the feelings that all eyes are on you (then the anxiety gets worse).

I'm not sure of your gender (it's not important), but for me being a guy I get wrapped up in a thought process where I know i'm very sensitive, I care a lot and I want to change things but as a man though it is difficult to have groups of friends (manly men) who would simply perceive me as weak or a real softie. Those characteristics make you feel vulnerable amongst a lot of groups (in my opinion and from past experience just).

Maybe I've been mixing with the wrong people but because I am very sporty and always played football, I've always been around groups of manly men oozing testosterone and a lot of pricks who love to embarrass and pick on people (i'm not the sortof person who lets anyone pick on them but being in that company can make you, as a young teen growing up, hide the real person that you are for fear of judgement).

I'm at the stage now where I don't want to continue this negativity, this depressed unsociable, fear of everything lifestyle into my 30's. I want kids and I don't want them to see me this way or to have the same struggles. I want to be a role model, a confident, competent, get up and go kind of role model ?
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 06-05-2016, 03:39 AM
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Hi again. I think I missed the email letting me know you responded to the thread.

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Originally Posted by thelightsareon View Post
I think you are completely right when you said that the good decent people do good things because it's who they ars and they shy away from the attention... that's definitely how I operate. To be honest, if someone gives me credit or recognition I actually cringe a littke bit lol. I just want ir to be over because it gives you the feelings that all eyes are on you (then the anxiety gets worse).
I'm exactly the same way. It definitely gives me anxiety when people compliment me too much. I mainly do good things because I need to believe the world is good and fair on some level. It's good for me to put out good things into the world because I'm a natural pessimist. I don't do it because I expect anything in return. The most I really need is someone who I really respect and admire to just turn to say to me, "You did good, kid." That's really the most amount of recognition I need.

Quote:
I'm not sure of your gender (it's not important), but for me being a guy I get wrapped up in a thought process where I know i'm very sensitive, I care a lot and I want to change things but as a man though it is difficult to have groups of friends (manly men) who would simply perceive me as weak or a real softie. Those characteristics make you feel vulnerable amongst a lot of groups (in my opinion and from past experience just).
I'm female, btw, but people have told me the way I write and think leans toward being masculine. I prefer to be mostly genderless on the boards to stay out of the whole "who has it worse" debates that happen around here though.

I'm not a guy, but I have often been perceived as being "too sensitive" or "weak" in groups. I'm female and "feelings" are supposed to be something people expect from me so I can only imagine how tough it must be trying to be male and pushing back against all those stereotypes about what society thinks being "a real man" is.

Quote:
Maybe I've been mixing with the wrong people but because I am very sporty and always played football, I've always been around groups of manly men oozing testosterone and a lot of pricks who love to embarrass and pick on people (i'm not the sortof person who lets anyone pick on them but being in that company can make you, as a young teen growing up, hide the real person that you are for fear of judgement).
I feel you on turning into the sort of person you hate. You're trying to protect yourself and hide in plain sight by becoming one of those people, even though you know you should just leave them. They make you less than what you were meant to be though. A lesser person. You have to actively make that choice to become the person you want to be and not just let float along letting these sorts of more "dominant" personalities influence you.

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I'm at the stage now where I don't want to continue this negativity, this depressed unsociable, fear of everything lifestyle into my 30's. I want kids and I don't want them to see me this way or to have the same struggles. I want to be a role model, a confident, competent, get up and go kind of role model
I have no desire for kids, but I work with minors a lot so I get wanting to be a good role model. It's a good goal to work towards...becoming the sort of person you were meant to be, being able to look yourself in the mirror and being proud of who you are. You have the ability to recognize your issues and I hope you find a way to make all the good choices to overcome them. Good luck on your life journey.
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 06-05-2016, 07:32 AM
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well i admire your idealism lol

"I am Chereogo, the horse with no name..."
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