I enjoyed reading your wall of text, but maybe paragraphs next time?
I have always been shy. I have always been aware of the feelings during comversations such as boring someone, not fitting in, worrying about what i'm going to say for fear of how people will react to it. I feel like I've been this way for as long as I can remember. 6, 7...8 years old and feeling depressed or anxious about your social life seems crazy.
Me too. When I entered kindergarten, it just got worse. Kids really pick up on that stuff and I was horribly bullied through elementary school and middle school. Luckily most bullies left me alone by high school. I was always an outcast but at least most of the blatant harassment stopped. I've struggled with undiagnosed depression and anxiety for a long time. I think the first time I had suicidal thoughts was when I was 8. I didn't have the words to describe what I was feeling then. It was just this feeling of "I wish I wasn't here. I wish I didn't exist." That feeling has really followed me into adulthood.
I remember at the age of around 10, 11 being very aware of death and diseases and feeling comvinced that I was ill or going to get really ill soon. A total hypochondriac.
I got sick a lot as a kid. It was some physical *thing* that all the doctors I had seen could never figure out the cause of. A lot of throwing up, being cold all the time, a horrible persistent cough that is painful for other people to listen to that feels like I was coughing up my lungs. I think I was first aware of death when I was 5, that time I got sicker than I have ever been before or since. Learning about death at such a young age can really screw you up.
My Granda died suddenly when I was 7 from a heart attack. Worst day of my life. The strange thing was that in the months before he died I became very aware of my grandparents age and health and had thoughts of them dying. [...] He was 57 when he died and that just shows you how ridiculous my thought process was at that age, so negative and taking on far too much emotional strain for my age.
My sympathies for your past struggles. My dad had a stroke when I was in my 20s and it was tough dealing with it then. I can't imagine having to go through all that as a kid.
When I think of childhood now I think about all of the negatives. My mother suffered with asthma and I remember atleast once every week watching her struggling for a breath and thinking about life without her. Horrible thoughts to have as a young teen. I was the person running about in a panic getting the nebuliser out for her and rubbing her back, trying my best to calm her down. One weekend I went to visit my gran with my dad and older brother. We stayed late. That night my mum had an asthma attack in the house on her own. She came very close to dying. After that I couldn't let her out of my sight. I wouldn't go anywhere if she would be left alone. I'm 25 now and still worried sick. She now has COPD. Constant chest infections and a lot of hospital stays. She has been smoking for the past 4-5 years and we have fell out a lot because I can't stand her smoking.
It's such a reversal of what most people think about life. Your parents are meant to take care of you but to be forced into the parental role can be really traumatic. It's a lot of responsibility and you're going through it alone a lot of the time. You might have the best doctor in the world but they are still outsiders to how your family lives your life day-to-day. It's doubly frustrating when you can see your parent contributing to their own disease. My dad's weakness is food. If he had been controlling his blood sugar and high blood pressure, he might still have had the strokes but the aftereffects wouldn't be nearly as bad as they were.
A lot has happened in my life so far. I'm 25 and I just feel worn out. I don't think i've even processed most of the things that have happened. It's like one big blur
I feel you. My defense mechanism has always been to compartamentalize everything, but it's just a band-aid for me so I can get through the day. I know I can't get better from my anxiety or other mental problems unless I deal with my issues though. But it seems everyone else's problems always seem to take priority over my own.
I have always been the most sensitive person you could ever meet. I feel other peoples emotions and i'm affected by their grief, like a lot of human beings I guess. I don't take criticism well and I care what other people think...way way too much.
I'm the same way. I think a lot of other people perceive me as emotionally flat but that's because people have called me out in the past for being "too sensitive" so I try to go for a "neutral" expression most of the time. They don't know that negative experiences can haunt me for years. I think it's because I never developed the kind of self-confidence most people have from growing up.
I hate arrogant people. I see people with confidence, and although I envy that confidence, I detest the way it can make them treat other people. I can never understand those who go out of their way to make other peoples lives difficult. I hate them on such a scale that I simply cannot be around them. I see popular people, people that I've worked with or played in sports teams with, and I think "why do so many people take to your personality" when I can see straight through it. Why in this world are the horrible, selfish and obnoxious people desirable.. While the people who do good, who love and care and feel get forgotten about.
I'm someone who obsesses about any time I even unintentionally offend or hurt someone else so the way some people live looks psychopathic to me. It seems like in modern society whoever is able to shout louder than any one else is the one who "wins" at life. In my experience genuinely good people just do good things because that's who they are and shy away from attention. They are the quiet background workers of the world while all the loud people take all the credit.
Look at the world of celebrities... children are growing up with justin biebers, miley cyrus, kim kardashians as role models. These people don't care. They think they are above the system. [...] I detest the government. I detest corruption. I detest hypocrisy. I live in the U.K with a tax evading prime minister and it angers me why good honest people put up with this. Why we let ourselves be governed by selfish hypocrits who destroy our healthcare system (because they all earn enough to pay for private healthcare and simple don't care about public healthcare), invade countries for oil and other resources, get our men and women killed in wars started because of pure greed and stand and lie to us, answering questions with questions and never ever accepting responsibility for any of their actions.
We should blame ourselves because we are the ones who made those people famous. They are trainwrecks we can't look away from. At the same time people hate them, they kind of want to be them because they know the system is broken. Did people really fool themselves into thinking world governments weren't corrupt? Maybe it's harder to ignore when it's in black and white and red all over in the newspapers. Might as well be as bad as the worst society has to offer since they are the ones who have all the wealth and social influence anyway. Opiate for the masses indeed.
I've never ever understood the spending of public money. How is it that we invest in schools before we invest in healthcare. Am I missing something?
I work in education so I see investment in education as equally important as healthcare. Better education means people are able to make better healthcare decisions. I'm stateside in the US but we definitely needed a better healthcare system yesterday. Things are only going to get worse since we're likely to face a primary care provider shortage in the near future. Not enough people are going into medicine to become primary care providers because the pay is crap relative to the workload. You can already see it in how insurance companies are trying to consolidate providers and how many providers are going into "concierge" medicine where you have to pay a premium in addition to your insurance just to see a doctor.
I want to live in a place where everyone gets on, where people look after eachother. Where money or career or ability do not define us as human beings. Man is not defined by height, weight, colour, sexual orientation, religion or belief... but by the size of his heart. A place where everyone is equal and has the freedom to enjoy their life with all of the things that we take for granted each day like water and food. Not one should die from hunger. Not one should die from dehydration. If you hold similar views then you probably feel like you don't fit in a lot of the time.
It's a nice dream. What I dream of is a time where society can see the potential in people instead of judging them on their backgrounds, especially for people with mental disorders. I know there are a lot of people out there that for whatever reason "fall out" of society. They aren't bad people and haven't done any violent crimes but they are treated as criminals. They just need a chance to re-enter society. I don't get why society wants to implicitly punish people with no criminal history.
I'm keen to hear other peoples thoughts and how you're dealing with your anxiety. Thanks for reading. Apologises for the length of text you know how it is once you get going lol.
My anxiety has progressively gotten worse over the last year. I try to count my blessings though. I have a job and a roof over my head so I'm better off than most.
Thanks for listening to anyone who reads this.