Situation with family is starting to become impossible.
I apologize if anything in this post is offensive like my general attitude towards the situation. I've dealt with this for so long that I feel like it's all old news nobody wants to hear about. I don't have social skills or anything resembling tact. So bear with me. I've posted most of this before but I've been gone for a while so I'll skim over the basics.
So let's get this out of the way. I'm a 37 year old, unemployed ( but I do get paid disability due to the mental issues ), single, one awkward and poorly thought out night away from being a total virgin, overweight, six feet-eight inches tall, heavily diabetic, excessively irritable, extremely negative, borderline nihilistic, opinionated, frustrated, burned out atheist. I don't make friends at all because of extreme paranoia and severe trust issues. I spend my days in bed or in front of my computer playing video games because the outside is filled with heat and a general feeling I am not wanted. I have had many jobs in the past, but they all devolve into nightmares where all the unpleasant work gets dumped on me, all the bad hours are put on my schedule, and I am treated like the house ***** who gets ignored when he speaks up and punished when he speaks out. This has driven me to attempting suicide multiple times until I was forced to apply for disability and was approved on my first attempt.
I don't tend to get pleasant responses from people in public. They go from a smile to the previous person to a frown or a scowl when I approach. My opinions are unpopular and unwanted. My complaints are ignored. My hobbies are written off as a waste of time and my personality is considered unbearable.
My family consists of three aunts, four uncles, five cousins, one grandparent, a mother, a sister, and her three kids. My father's side of the family is unknown because he was adopted. My mother, sister, and entire mother's side of the family is heavily christian and don't believe in things like social phobia and will have nothing to do with me.
I used to live with my father who was the most supportive out of my family, but he died of pneumonia complications in January and, being unable to afford rent on my own income, I was forced to move back in with my mother. My sister broke up with her boyfriend soon after and then lost her house forcing her and her children to move in with my mother as well.
We are now all living in a three bedroom/one and a half bathroom house with four cats and two dogs.
My mother has picked up a rather unpleasant boyfriend in the last year. He's a disgusting loudmouthed know-it-all drunk type who feels the need to force conflict to resolve problems. And a "problem fixer" when it comes to me. He plans to fix my social phobia by forcing me to go get a job and stop pretending to be uncomfortable out in public. He has made revolting sexual remarks about my 11 year old niece and treated my mother like garbage so badly that she has left him and cried about how awful he was.
Then she went back. And got angry at me for badmouthing him, insisting he was a sweet man if I would get to know him. And how he joking said he'd kill her if she left him again.
And then left him again, swearing that was the end.
And went back. Yelling at me for not letting her live her life and be happy despite the fact she would come home and complain to me about him daily. And then left, cutting off all contact. Deleting his number from her phone and refusing to even look at his text messages while he ( as I eventually found out ) was damning her and calling her a fatass telling her she was stupid to leave him.
And now she's back with him again. And has decided to use my upcoming birthday as a battlefield to draw a line and force us to love and accept him. He will be here later today as well. And she's pissed off at me currently for not being thrilled for it.
No apartments are available. No avenue of escape is available. My only fortune is that I have my own room ( which I readily offered to my sister when she moved in but my mother said she would rather not have to deal with me living in the living room. )
So I will hide in here. As I did all through my teenage years, all through my childhood. My sister and mother both scowl when I approach their conversations. I am not wanted. I am an intruder in my own home and unwelcome but I have nowhere to go. I've been in a homeless shelter before and it turns out you aren't allowed to be homeless here unless you are a christian. No I will not fake it. No I will not pretend so I can keep the peace. Nobody would find that a reasonable suggestion if I were actively practicing another established religion. It gets tiring that people think it's OK since I don't have one.
While I doubt there's any real threat for the time being, it's honestly feeling like the only way to get out of these problems is to go buy a bunch of sleeping pills and find a ditch in the woods. I seem to be nothing but a cause of stress for everyone around me.
I was told I had to make a signature, so here it is. Enjoy.