My brothers are trying to break me - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 08-11-2019, 03:44 AM Thread Starter
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My brothers are trying to break me


I come from a Society where SA or any other mental condition is equivalent to "weakness in a man"....apart from the actual psychiatrists and their staff there is virtually NO outward societal support, not even from Doctors of other specialties. For women yes. A woman can get depressed, have anxiety, the works ...but not a man.

So....whenever I take a break from being main caregiver to my parents, my brothers reign down fire on me. Even if I am gone for just ONE day its just a litany of "you dont care enough" and "how dare you abandon your parents" and "you must tell us when and where you are"

Even when I tell them directly "you guys are stressing me out" "why cant you just let me have one day without calling me 500x" they just fire back with : be a man, all men have stress, deal with it, you must never complain, stop being weak etc etc.

We have had this argument back n forth multiple times...they refuse to understand .
The worst part is...Im beginning to wonder if this continues...by the time my parents die...if my brothers wud say I was never there for them !

I mean seriously the 4 months I was unemployed I was LIVING with my parents 24/7 helping them with everything!

The first thing I did when I got my job was give half my salary to my parents. If they call me at work for an emergency, I drop everything and leave work !

So if I then decide to spend one weekend with my fiancee why do they have to be up my colon about it !
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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 08-11-2019, 03:58 AM Thread Starter
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They keep saying "you must learn to adjust" but its funng how "adjust" for them always means "pushing my fiancee to aside to spend more time with my parents."

They do not respect that "adjust my plans" may sometimes mean "putting my fiancee first"

My first instinct has always been push my relationship to aside to care for my parents and it has hurt my relationship in the past.

And of course even now...as of this AM the message is still "stop stressing myself out"

Well I can stop stressing myself out you know....I can do it by just ignoring their messages when I go out
..
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 08-11-2019, 08:53 AM
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Hey

You know what they are saying is wrong, and that despite your protests, they won't listen or change. So there's no use in arguing with them. Don't waste your energy on people that don't treat you well. When they scream at you, just nod casually and get on with your lifex

Much love <3

<3
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 08-11-2019, 10:48 AM
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What are your brothers role in all of this? Do they contribute to your parents as much as you? Do they give half of their salary to them?


I think you need to put your life and well being above pleasing your family. It seems like your being perpetually guilt tripped into supporting your parents. Think of your own future and where YOU want to be in 10 years. Your brothers don't seems concerned with your own life's well being from what you wrote.
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 08-11-2019, 11:28 AM
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Well that's the same in the UK or US tbh afaik. Nobody really gives men much slack w.r.t. anxiety and it will be seen by the majority as weakness.

Ignore brothers /family as much as possible, imo (which is a pretty good piece of advice for you, from what you have posted about your family before). I wouldn't even bother to argue your case, it will just create resistance (you won't change those beliefs). Accept that it isn't weakness and do what you can.

Enough about me, lets talk about you, what do you think about me?
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 08-11-2019, 02:45 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by SplendidBob View Post
Well that's the same in the UK or US tbh afaik. Nobody really gives men much slack w.r.t. anxiety and it will be seen by the majority as weakness.

Ignore brothers /family as much as possible, imo (which is a pretty good piece of advice for you, from what you have posted about your family before). I wouldn't even bother to argue your case, it will just create resistance (you won't change those beliefs). Accept that it isn't weakness and do what you can.
Thanks man. I'm quite conservative myself but one of the things I do side with liberals on is how toxic the phrase "be a man/man up" can be.

Never show weakness, never admit to being tired, never admit to feeling overwhelmed.

This sort of thing drives male, suicide, schizophrenia and other violent acts..
sigh.....at least I can vent off here in this forum without my manhood being questioned

They even used the "because you are a health professional" line on me. As if to say Doctors & nurses run on energizer batteries and we never get tired.
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 08-11-2019, 02:53 PM
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Forgot to say, apologies to my last reply to you in previous thread. No excuses for me being a ****, but I was neither sober, nor sane. Life collapsing stuff and have kinda used this board as a venting place to express my anger and frustration for a while, but there are real people here and no excuses for me being unpleasant.

Quote:
Originally Posted by VIncymon View Post
Thanks man. I'm quite conservative myself but one of the things I do side with liberals on is how toxic the phrase "be a man/man up" can be.

Never show weakness, never admit to being tired, never admit to feeling overwhelmed.

This sort of thing drives male, suicide, schizophrenia and other violent acts..
sigh.....at least I can vent off here in this forum without my manhood being questioned

They even used the "because you are a health professional" line on me. As if to say Doctors & nurses run on energizer batteries and we never get tired.
Yep, I don't enjoy that phrase either. Or the lack of support for men.

Enough about me, lets talk about you, what do you think about me?
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 08-11-2019, 05:40 PM
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Originally Posted by EndlessDream View Post
What are your brothers role in all of this? Do they contribute to your parents as much as you? Do they give half of their salary to them?


I think you need to put your life and well being above pleasing your family. It seems like your being perpetually guilt tripped into supporting your parents. Think of your own future and where YOU want to be in 10 years. Your brothers don't seems concerned with your own life's well being from what you wrote.
That's a really good post and good advice in general.

OP - why does it always have to be you that does all this for your parents? What are your brothers doing all this time?

I think there'll come a time when you'll need to stand up to these brothers of yours and tell them to play their part. You'll have to force them to "understand." (they may not but in the end it won't matter, since they don't seem to be caring too much about your well-being) Put your brothers in their place and tell them to get lost.

It's only when you mentioned your fiance that I remembered who you are. If you want to marry this girl you need to make it a priority. Once you do that and make the break with your family (to some extent) you might start to see things a little differently, especially if/when you have children of your own.

PS I always hated that term too, "man-up" - it's one of the dumbest things anyone can say. Unfortunately a lot of people will use it though - and not just men.
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