Does anyone else not have much family? - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-10-2020, 08:11 PM Thread Starter
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Does anyone else not have much family?


Technically I have a TON of family by blood but I was disowned by most of my extended relatives my entire life. It wasn't my fault - it was discord related to my parents, and I was rejected because of it. My father has 11 siblings and my mother has 5, and none of the dozens of cousins and aunts/uncles have ever wanted anything to do with me. When my cousins get married or have a child, I'm not even told or invited.

I have a bad relationship with my parents as well, and they haven't been a part of my life for many years now.

But it makes me kind of sad now that I'm older at 28. And wonder what it's like to have a Mom and Dad, or a favourite aunt or cousin I am close with. I live with a guy who's not likely to ever become my family, and I'm distant with all my friends at this point.

I have a good relationship with my brother, but we're also not that close. He is kind and gentle to me though.

Is anyone else in the same boat? I felt invincible when I was in my early 20s, and now I feel a void.
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post #2 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-10-2020, 09:12 PM
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I'm fortunate to have my parents...for now. (Our relationship isn't perfect but at least it's there.) I have an older brother, but we've never been close, he lives in another state with his own family, and now that...his political views have changed...I think he's pretty much out of my life. I have lots of extended family, but have never been close to any of them, and they're basically strangers. No significant others or IRL friends, either.

When my parents are gone I will have nobody I can turn to. -_- This is especially difficult because I'm not capable of living independently...so things don't look very good.

This pandemic has made me realize even more painfully how completely alone I will be if/when things go wrong.

If I don't reply to you, it's NOTHING PERSONAL. It's my ANXIETY.

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post #3 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-10-2020, 11:55 PM
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I have a dad and a brother. I dont talk to the brother at all. I text my dad sometimes and he calls me sometimes, probably every 2 months or so. nothing in person.

extended family I'm not in contact with at all.

I'm very isolated in that regard. my friend has her family, though they're quite dysfunctional. other people I meet have a close family and I wonder what that would be like. i think it would make me feel smothered/claustrophobic.

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post #4 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-11-2020, 03:11 AM
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I text my sister every so often. Usually goes from very active for a span to very sporadic for a span. Her enthusiasm to talk to me varies drastically for some odd reason.

For a long time, my brother and I rarely care to keep in touch with each other. Although the past 2 years, we have been keeping in touch sporadically now. Feels like he makes more of an effort to keep in touch with him at least consistently. Maybe he felt bad. Or maybe because my sister stopped talking to him, according to him. Since he and my sister use to keep in touch a lot. But not anymore.

Use to be closer to my dad, but rarely communicated with him, and haven't really seen him the past few years. Use to see him once or twice per year since the along ago divorce. By now, I don't feel connected by him at all and my desire to keep in touch with him has waned drastically. Pretty sure he doesn't really give a **** about any of us by now.

My mother really is the only one who makes a drastic effort to stay in my life and constantly keep in touch with me. Unfortunately of all people, she is the one person I really wish to cut off contact with. Her narcissistic personality is toxic. Her emotional and verbal abuse is constant. All of her interactions with me makes me miserable. She keeps giving me chronic problems in waves. Majority of my chronic stress and worries are due to her.

My stepdad oddly has been talking to me more and more now, with his gradual increasing strain with my mom. Especially the past year. I don't think my mom knows we text. Mostly just him venting to me about my mom and her quirks. If this keeps up, I actually for-see them getting a divorce somewhere not far down the line. A lot of things he vents are very mirroring of what my dad went through.

The truth is strictly what the ones in power perceives it to be.

Enjoy any good things, even the little and menial ones, as you will never know what impending distresses could descend upon you in a moment.
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post #5 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-11-2020, 08:59 AM
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f-ck, i'm sorry. i feel so much of this at a base level. i'm not in it but i see that void on the horizon.
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post #6 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-11-2020, 09:32 AM
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I have my mother, my father and my sister and that's pretty much it. I have a few cousins (a couple of whom I was close to ages ago). Most of them I have hardly ever seen and don't seem like family at all. My sister and I were together all the time growing up but our relationship was kind of antagonistic and not really so great. My mother favored my sister and reacted much more strongly (in a bad way) to any trouble I caused than she ever did to anything my sister did. I resented that (though I know it wasn't my sister's fault, it's just hard not to feel bad stuff when I'm around her). To top all that off, my mother is constantly comparing me to my sister whenever she's shaming me for whatever she thinks I should be doing with myself that I'm not. So I have not even had a chance to put distance between the bad old days and the bad new days and try to think about my sister in an objective way. It's just all tainted by my mother's rotten personality and psychology.

And also, my sister has her own family now with her husband and her kids and that completely consumes her (as it should) so I have not seen much of her for many years. My mom and dad are both on the brink of death and then I'll be completely screwed. So yeah.

/WYSD
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post #7 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-11-2020, 09:53 AM
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I have my mother, 1 sister, 1 half sister & 2 half brothers (different father) I'm fairly close too, 3 cousins I talk to occasionally, there's lots more extended family around that I rarely or never see or talk too, some I've never even met.

My full sister is kinda bonkers, I get on better with my half siblings tbh






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post #8 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-11-2020, 11:14 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by andy1984 View Post
I have a dad and a brother. I dont talk to the brother at all. I text my dad sometimes and he calls me sometimes, probably every 2 months or so. nothing in person.
What happened between you and your brother?

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Originally Posted by Blue Dino View Post
My mother really is the only one who makes a drastic effort to stay in my life and constantly keep in touch with me. Unfortunately of all people, she is the one person I really wish to cut off contact with. Her narcissistic personality is toxic. Her emotional and verbal abuse is constant. All of her interactions with me makes me miserable. She keeps giving me chronic problems in waves. Majority of my chronic stress and worries are due to her.
I can relate to this entirely... my mother calls me constantly (she is blocked on my phone and leaves tons of voicemails I never listen to), but she's been a terrible influence in every memory I have. Whether it's abusing small animals, screaming at and degrading me, insulting my father (who fully financially supported her and her mother), constantly making me cry, and the 20+ years of emotional incest, among many other things. I've truly had enough of her for a lifetime. I could forgive and have a relationship with her if she has changed, but she has not. Still as self-centered, childish, delusional, and narcissistic as ever.

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Originally Posted by tehuti88 View Post
When my parents are gone I will have nobody I can turn to. -_- This is especially difficult because I'm not capable of living independently...so things don't look very good.

This pandemic has made me realize even more painfully how completely alone I will be if/when things go wrong.
I hope your parents have long healthy lives. How are you preparing for the eventuality that they pass? Do they own your home so that it may be given to you?

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Originally Posted by cafune View Post
f-ck, i'm sorry. i feel so much of this at a base level. i'm not in it but i see that void on the horizon.
Thanks, it might just be getting older and feeling all the mortality that I didn't before. When I was young I didn't think I needed anyone because I never had anyone. But being young and alone is an adventure... being old and alone is just sad.

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Originally Posted by WillYouStopDave View Post
I have my mother, my father and my sister and that's pretty much it. I have a few cousins (a couple of whom I was close to ages ago). Most of them I have hardly ever seen and don't seem like family at all. My sister and I were together all the time growing up but our relationship was kind of antagonistic and not really so great. My mother favored my sister and reacted much more strongly (in a bad way) to any trouble I caused than she ever did to anything my sister did. I resented that (though I know it wasn't my sister's fault, it's just hard not to feel bad stuff when I'm around her). To top all that off, my mother is constantly comparing me to my sister whenever she's shaming me for whatever she thinks I should be doing with myself that I'm not. So I have not even had a chance to put distance between the bad old days and the bad new days and try to think about my sister in an objective way. It's just all tainted by my mother's rotten personality and psychology.

And also, my sister has her own family now with her husband and her kids and that completely consumes her (as it should) so I have not seen much of her for many years. My mom and dad are both on the brink of death and then I'll be completely screwed. So yeah.
I saw your blog post about your dad. I hope he's doing better.

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Originally Posted by blue2 View Post
I have my mother, 1 sister, 1 half sister & 2 half brothers (different father) I'm fairly close too, 3 cousins I talk to occasionally, there's lots more extended family around that I rarely or never see or talk too, some I've never even met.

My full sister is kinda bonkers, I get on better with my half siblings tbh
I wish I had long lost half-siblings sometimes. It's a kind of fantasy of finding a soulmate of sorts. Sometimes I also wonder if my life would have been better had I been adopted, and never met my real crazy and abusive parents. I could always have comforting fantasies of how great my real family is instead of the cold reality. On their side, they should have given me up for adoption - they were in no way capable of raising a second child.

It's all really babyish. I'm old enough to be fine on my own and not need anyone, and yet I am regressing anyway.
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post #9 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-11-2020, 12:38 PM
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Technically I have a TON of family by blood but I was disowned by most of my extended relatives my entire life. It wasn't my fault - it was discord related to my parents, and I was rejected because of it.
So why did your family disown you?

You could try to make amends if you like. Your parents wont be alive forever. But if they abused you not a good idea just let them be and try to be happy on your own
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post #10 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-11-2020, 12:54 PM
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Thanks, it might just be getting older and feeling all the mortality that I didn't before. When I was young I didn't think I needed anyone because I never had anyone. But being young and alone is an adventure... being old and alone is just sad.
i think this is all about perception but i can see myself agreeing with this.



Quote:
It's all really babyish. I'm old enough to be fine on my own and not need anyone, and yet I am regressing anyway.
aw, i really don't think it is. it seems like hunger pangs to me. you're not always aware of it but sometimes something reminds you that you've not/never been fed :< and that sorta thing sticks a bit.

personally, i feel i've mourned enough for the relationships that could have existed had circumstances/ppl been different; but i think occasional longing for something you may have felt 'beyond' based on some trigger or another (or none) is very human and okay (:
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post #11 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-11-2020, 01:09 PM
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Not much. And even less that I have much respect for, tbh.

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post #12 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-11-2020, 01:15 PM
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I have my dad and my sister and that's it. The rest are either dead or are basically strangers.

My maternal grandparents died before I was born and my paternal grandparents died when I was around age 9-10. My mom died when I was 17. I never really got to know my cousins, so they are total strangers. My mom had 3 siblings and my dad had 2 siblings. I only really got to know one aunt (now dead) and was mildly familiar with one uncle. Now only one uncle and one aunt are still alive.

I've written about my dad and sister a lot on here. They both are crazy but in different ways.

My dad has been a very unsupportive, stingy parent. Especially after my mom died he really showed his true colors and basically wanted to be free of his parental duties. He went off traveling around the world with the evil Old Bag he found and didn't give a flying crap about me. Got rid of our house/our pets and put me and my sister in the Old Bag's living room. But he still thinks me and my sister should be forever grateful for his sacrifices as a parent. He is quite pissed that we don't show the gratitude that he deserves. He is full of paranoia and hatred which has only gotten way worse with age. He hates almost everyone and every group. He is the king of life-long grudges. Now he is full on deep into conspiracy theories. I think he is a devoted spouse. He was devoted to my mom and now the to Old Bag but he should have never had children.

My sister has emotional issues and goes up and down like crazy. Some days she is super sweet to me while other days she is angry and spitting fireballs. Has an abandonment complex. Is off and on suicidal. Not bipolar. She is interesting and fun to talk to. Intelligent and very charming. But she is not a functional adult and seems to living in a fantasy land. Has many intricate fantasies. She hasn't had a real job that paid enough to support herself in 10 years. Since she broke up with the sugar daddy 6 years ago, it has been one financial crisis after another. Every few months, it's "I can't pay for my storage or I can't pay rent. If I don't get $1500 in the next week, I will jump off the Brooklyn Bridge." She manages to survive by either living with boyfriends (who were very unhappy that she didn't work and demanded rent money) or by living with other people for free. Since she is starting to get up there in age the living with boyfriends thing isn't happening anymore. The gig work seemed to have gradually declined too and now it's next to nothing since she doesn't want to risk getting the corona. She still won't admit that either she doesn't want to work or she can't work. Has so many excuses for not working- her dog, alcoholism, blah blah. Has many pie in the sky ideas to make money and it's always like she is just a few weeks away from finding a high-paying job....if only someone would lend her money for rent, clothing, a new computer, etc.
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post #13 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-11-2020, 01:36 PM Thread Starter
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So why did your family disown you?

You could try to make amends if you like. Your parents wont be alive forever. But if they abused you not a good idea just let them be and try to be happy on your own
Long story, old school Asian family politics. They are utterly vicious in a way white western people may not understand. Didn't like my mother, so me and my brother were on the outs from the get go - and much as I dislike my mother, she was herself mistreated. My father and his oldest brother (my uncle) would shove her while she was pregnant with me, threaten her with violence, etc. My father was arrested at some point.

They disowned my brother too, and he tried making amends last year only to be met with denigration and cruelty. I was furious with how they treated him when my brother genuinely went with good intentions to build a relationship.

I also should add - It was psychological warfare as a kid because my parents hated each other, and used me as their intermediary (emotional incest, if you will). If I tried to visit my dad's family, my mother would scream abuse at me. So I'd try not to go and then it would upset my father. It was hard to really trust anyone and I never built a bond with anyone, including my parents and brother.

People live extraordinarily long lives, man. I'm pretty sure I could live another life to reach sixty years old, and my parents would still be kicking. I have no desire for a relationship with them anyway.
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post #14 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-11-2020, 01:39 PM
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What happened between you and your brother?
he did make an effort to see me when I lived near him. though actually I had lived there for years and he never contacted me. but then he started inviting me to dinner, that was about 5 times or so. but he was still never a particularly nice person, he didnt really hide that he was doing that at least partly out of obligation. and then after I moved away from there I hardly ever heard from him. the last 3 or 4 times I saw him in person he was unrelentingly rude. he did the same thing to my dad a few times. idk if hes like that with other people but hes a bit of a monster towards me. he never acknowledges hes done anything bad etc, no apologies. so I just let it go.

my dad is moving in with him now, i hope that goes ok. they invited me to live with them and i declined. i said it was because of his behaviour but he still didnt acknowledge anything etc. it was just oh ok.

"I take what is mine. I pay the iron price."
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post #15 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-11-2020, 01:49 PM Thread Starter
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@komorikun

I always found your posts interesting because your situation seems most closely similar to mine (but less pathetic). It seems like you at least like your sister despite her flaws. How did you become so well-adjusted?
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post #16 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-11-2020, 02:59 PM
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Extended relatives who I can appreciate to have helped at times, yes. But socially I can't confide in them. I see how it affects those who don't have anyone left and fear for the day that it can happen to me.
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post #17 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-11-2020, 03:21 PM
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he did make an effort to see me when I lived near him. though actually I had lived there for years and he never contacted me. but then he started inviting me to dinner, that was about 5 times or so. but he was still never a particularly nice person, he didnt really hide that he was doing that at least partly out of obligation. and then after I moved away from there I hardly ever heard from him. the last 3 or 4 times I saw him in person he was unrelentingly rude. he did the same thing to my dad a few times. idk if hes like that with other people but hes a bit of a monster towards me. he never acknowledges hes done anything bad etc, no apologies. so I just let it go.

my dad is moving in with him now, i hope that goes ok. they invited me to live with them and i declined. i said it was because of his behaviour but he still didnt acknowledge anything etc. it was just oh ok.
this reads so zen (you seem so tranquil); it felt like a warm ambient glow emanating from my screen. idk if i gave you the wrong voice tho.
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post #18 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-11-2020, 04:36 PM
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^^ What drugs did you take & where can I get some ?






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post #19 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-11-2020, 04:48 PM
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I have very little family. I am completely estranged from all my blood relatives (and please take my word for it when I say it's better that way), and I'm only sort of...acquaintances with my in-laws.
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post #20 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-11-2020, 04:56 PM
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My family is pretty large, but I'm not close to most of them. Mostly I'm just close to my mom, stepdad, and younger brother. I'm not really on bad terms with the rest, just don't know them well. Only have so much time and energy to put into relationships though.
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