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-   -   Would this be correct way to deal with another's SA breakdown (https://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f26/would-this-be-correct-way-to-deal-with-anothers-sa-2226465/)

BarryWilson 08-22-2019 09:09 AM

Would this be correct way to deal with another's SA breakdown
 
I have Social Anxiety that has certainly impeded and halted making headway in life on every front.



I become calm when someone I care about gets upset about something. The opposite of when I get upset


A person who I know and like talked about an incident of Social Anxiety she went through. She and her Boyfriend were attending a wedding and she only knew the Bride and Groom. She first wouldn't shower, as an excuse to not go. Then she decided to go and went through her closet hating how everything looked. Hated how she looked, hated her face and body. Getting frustrated angry wanting to hit things, knock stuff over. Her boyfriend in her words "kindly suggested that they don't go" Perhaps because I have depression and social anxiety I knew that was wrong and not meant in a kind way. She said if she had a nickel for every time a husband or boyfriend suggested not going she'd have a million nickels. I feel the best way is to listen to her, allow her to vent without breaking anything. Show that I am listening, empathize with statements reflecting hers. I understand you think you look terrible. It is frustrating. Then add, Can you take a step back and look at this from an intellectual rather than emotional angle? If that doesn't go over, step back and pick up her discarded clothes don't hang them up but clear the mess. Perhaps say "Are things as bad as you feel they are " Obviously knowing someone well, can find better things to say if they are not cowards. He boyfriend wanted to get out of the situation, he didn't want to help her through it, he wanted to end the drama, not caring if that helped her in the log run.. The fact she has gone through this a million times means there was never communication about her feelings or how to handle them. This would be done at a different time, when anxiety wasn't ruling.
While her SA hasn't stopped her from a 9 year marriage and a 5 year relationship. Mine has


Is my approach a better way to handle the Social Anxiety described going to a wedding. Or is telling her she doesn't have to go a million times the better way?

versikk 08-22-2019 09:39 AM

ImO I think that is a good strategy. I can't think of anything better really.

Some people might request specific treatment/behaviour tho, to have their anxiety dispelled. But I think this is a good "generic" strategy.
Posted via Mobile Device

BarryWilson 08-23-2019 03:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by versikk (Post 1093788731)
ImO I think that is a good strategy. I can't think of anything better really.

Some people might request specific treatment/behaviour tho, to have their anxiety dispelled. But I think this is a good "generic" strategy.
Posted via Mobile Device


Thanks for affirming what I think is a better way to deal with friend or girlfriend. Her story was not about needing therapy. ( I believe she has a therapist) Hearing what she said made me think poorly of the boyfriend. He wasn't there. I kept it to myself. As his desire to not deal with an upsetting time with a person he allegedly cared about seemed selfish and lacked compassion.


Though I have no intentions toward her, I wanted to explain what I think a boyfriend should do. Having SA means I have had 2 girlfriends the last was 10 years ago.


A good generic strategy to deal with a reaction is right on the nose Thank you for taking the time to answer.
Now back to year 11 of no relationships of any kind.
All the best

versikk 08-24-2019 04:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BarryWilson (Post 1093789163)
As his desire to not deal with an upsetting time with a person he allegedly cared about seemed selfish and lacked compassion.

... in other words, your standard Human.

sorry about your lack of relationships. never had one myself.

BarryWilson 08-26-2019 09:45 AM

Not all humans. Many, many, I have been around a great deal of awful people. I have been around even more decent people.


I find the trouble is that the awful people(people who let you down, only look our for their interests, are unreliable,) are tolerated by decent people. Even when said bad person is slowly but obviously ruining a good thing. People shrug, they don't want any conflict until it's too late.. I once removed myself from an organization because I predicted what would happen to my friend who wanted me to stick around. My predictions came true, but it did not cause my friend to say. I should have listened to you at the beginning. He admitted I was right but showed no remorse for allowing it to happen.


While negative thoughts bombard me.. When my mood lightens, I still have an optimistic outlook for the world. Not for me of course. Take care as well as you can


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