Why do I feel this way? What should I do about it?
For the past two years or so (but especially since starting college two months ago) I have just been feeling really crappy about myself and about my life. I don't know what to do about it though, I have considered going to the counselor at my school but I feel like I have too many internal problems to explain. Also, whenever I have tried to talk about my feelings about this to someone it feels like they don't really understand or just think I'm being dramatic. I know counselors are professionals but I still have a gut feeling that it wouldn't really help. I go from feeling depressed most of the time to once in a while feeling genuinely happy for about an hour until that gets ruined by someone acting rudely towards me or feeling overwhelmed by my schoolwork, etc. Here are the main things that are bothering me:
I feel like I look so plain and boring and sometimes I feel genuinely ugly. I just hate my face so much and I wish I could change it. A lot of makeup doesn't look good on me so there's not really anything I can do to change the way I look. I also have gained 5-10 pounds during the past few years which don't make me look chubby or anything because I have a skinny build but they genuinely make me feel disgusting and unnattractive. I used to be okay with my face and love my body during middle school and early high school but now I am so insecure, isn't it supposed to be the other way around? I feel like the only way to be respected and admired as a female is to be attractive and I hate it whenever in a song a guy describes his love for a girl and how beautiful she is because I feel like no one would ever think that about me.
I have been obsessed with a Kpop band ever since I started college (and to any of you who have read my previous posts that's not why I like Asian guys I started to like Kpop after I started to like Asian guys so don't think it's weird) and throughout the past few years I have been obsessed with so many bands feeling like I have a boring crappy life compared to them and like they would be disgusted by my presence if they saw me. I think my access to the media has really killed my self-esteem because I never felt bad about myself until I got my own laptop during my junior year of hs. I know guys don't have as high expectations as the media but I want to feel valued in society not by just one or two boring guys in my life that I don't like back (sorry that is mean but it is really how I feel right now)
I just don't want to have a normal, boring life. I feel like I am wasting it, isn't college supposed to be fun? I literally have no friends but I feel like I genuinely hate all the people here and don't want to get to know them at all. I feel like I am waiting for something to happen in my life to make it better that's not actually going to happen. I feel like I have given up on ever getting married (or even having a boyfriend) /having kids and that doesn't even appeal to me that much because I feel like once that happens, my life is over. I am not looking forward to my future career because it will be normal and boring and pointless. I feel like there is no point in my life, it will just go on without anyone caring about me or having any point.
The last thing is that my inner personality is so much different from what I show on the outside. I just want to be the same person outside and in but I can't because social situations make me so nervous and I am way too sensitive to everything. I just feel like I have wasted so much time and people don't know who I really am. I just want them to treat me with respect and dignity like any other person instead of looking down on me as "the quiet girl".
Sorry this was so long, I wasn't planning on typing this much. Could someone please give me some input even if it is just a little bit?