Where are all these “benefits” of being attractive? - Page 2 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #21 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-05-2019, 09:53 AM
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They just probably donít benefit those that have the issues we do.
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post #22 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-05-2019, 12:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Unforgiven17 View Post
Sorry to quote, I don't know how to do the @thing

I am a women, I was overweight (17st) at my heaviest at 16 years old. I would be walking past a group of people and they somehow thought they had the right to shout awful things at me because of my weight.

I decided to loose weight and when I got down to about 9st people started paying attention to me (both sexes), women were friendlier and I got quite a bit of male attention too. I felt nice to be noticed but my anxiety was at its highest. I stopped eating and exercised everyday for hours. I had gone from overeating to eating nothing within a year. I felt more confident with my appearance (especially when people I hadn't seen recently saw me). But other things really spiralled out of control. I got my first boyfriend when I was about 18 and had horrendous trust issues, became infatuated with his exes.... I won't go into it!

I'm fat again now, lol. Thanks to my daughter, buts she's 3 now so I cant keep blaming being pregnant. I'm not as big as I was but I feel unhealthy. I work in healthcare too so feel like a hypocrite. I am worried about losing weight as I don't want to head down that route again.

So yes, people do treat you differently based on my experiences but I was different too. More confident, I would start conversations with people etc... so I can't say that it is all based on appearance.

Even now if I put make up on and actually take 20 mins to get ready on a morning, I look ok and that seems to give me a positive mindset for the day. Most of the time I cannot be arsed though!
Sorry to hear about the abuse shouting. Unfortunately it happens a lot when overweight, people think they have the right to comment.

Also yeh, re attention, its weird eh? I found it quite jarring, especially as people used to look because I was so overweight, and women were looking more and I wasn't sure if they found me attractive, or hideous, because I was so used to experiencing that (was the same with my bad acne).

I would guess for you, probably the ideal to avoid going way overboard would be to focus on health. That's one of my main reasons for going to the gym a lot. Health, and strength. Atm I am slightly crazily losing weight, but will ease back on that soon .

Enough about me, lets talk about you, what do you think about me?
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post #23 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-05-2019, 03:30 PM
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Sadly most of people treat others basic on their looks and not on what they are. Attractiviness is also in the eye of the beholder and there is a lot of different ways to be attractive. I have some history to be viewed sexually attractive and I am mostly asexual so people should forget the looks and focus on the personality instead looks. I am also shy etc.
I do think there is a type of pretty ppl who are getting it easier but they also have a happy home, positive experiences from life since childhood and they are also socially succesfull people as sosializing is easy for them. Right away when you have same with uglier face, people treat him or her differently, don't response nicely but start to treat worse because ugly face no matter how good are his or her social skills. That is sad.

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post #24 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-05-2019, 04:53 PM
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The same thing can be said about any trait, really. People talk about confidence, self-love/acceptance, intelligence, "social skills", money, etc., the same way, but none of them guarantees any kind of social success.

I haven't been both attractive and unattractive, but I experience something analogous in that, as a man, I am considered merely plain, but as a woman, I am unequivocally very unattractive. Subjective preferences, at best, make you slightly more or less attractive to specific people.

I think it's safe to say that, all other things being equal, being attractive does provide significant advantages socially (eg. getting a job as a model; whereas people don't even want someone like me on a sales floor), but all other things are never equal, so there are always going to be exceptions.

Every trait has upsides and downsides. We know which traits have more upsides than downsides because those are the traits almost everyone wants more of (like being attractive). Most people have some direct experience of those advantages because: 1) they have "good" and "bad" days and can contrast their experiences on those days, and 2) they know what kind of traits they prefer in their partners. It seems very odd (and probably logically inconsistent) to argue that being attractive confers no advantage if you want an attractive partner yourself.

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post #25 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-06-2019, 01:12 AM
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You need to be social as well.

If you are attractive and awkward then people are less likely to socialise with you.

Confidence and being interesting matters the most but you also have to be moderately attractive to be approachable.
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post #26 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-06-2019, 01:36 AM
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OP, I think you are just unlucky. If you had better luck they'd swarm to you.
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post #27 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-06-2019, 09:46 AM
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The prettiest, cutest girl I've ever seen and I'm including the internet and TV too,works at one of my local auto parts stores. I know she didn't grow up rich or maybe not even middle class. I guess she's probably not tall enough to be a model, maybe a face model if there is such a thing. She seems so nice and down to earth. She probably gets a lot of attention from the guys but other than that I don't know if there are any benefits for her. I probably used to be considered good looking when I was younger( I have pic from when I was 32 in the muscle thread) never seemed to do me any good having SAD. I mean I never got asked out. lol
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post #28 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-06-2019, 04:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by melancholyscorpio View Post
You need to be social as well.

If you are attractive and awkward then people are less likely to socialise with you.

Confidence and being interesting matters the most but you also have to be moderately attractive to be approachable.
Very true.

It's pretty obvious just looking around yourself on the tram etc that some incredibly ordinary people have quite decent-looking partners. I see it every day. It's just because they can talk to each other - obviously.

And like you say - the being attractive thing is going to help with the being approached part, but other things will come into play then as well.
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post #29 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-11-2019, 06:01 PM
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I wouldn't call myself conventionally attractive or "hot", but I get called cute or adorable. I'd say there's a benefit in that a lot of people wanna hang out with me or go on dates. People notice my absence from group settings and ask close friends about me. The bad side to this is sometimes I just wanna be viewed as one of the group just like anyone else and not as some sort of romantic interest or token girl. It makes me wonder do they wanna hang out with me cause they think I have a cool personality or just because I'm cute? Or maybe it is cause I'm the token girl, especially in settings where we are playing super smash Bros or magic the gathering. But the good things could also be because of any of these reasons, but I think being considered cute definitely plays a factor
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post #30 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-11-2019, 08:18 PM
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It’s hard to explain, especially since I only have experience looking the way I do (so I can only guess what it would be like to look different) but there is a sort of benefit of the doubt that people give you. I really don’t know how to put it into words...if I need to ask someone a favor or a question, I feel like they’re more likely to help or be nice, that kind of thing.

It'll soon shake your windows and rattle your walls, for the times they are a changing.
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post #31 of 35 (permalink) Old Yesterday, 10:17 AM
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Its just nice to be good looking.... You can attract more the opposite gender.
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post #32 of 35 (permalink) Old Yesterday, 11:58 AM
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post #33 of 35 (permalink) Old Yesterday, 12:13 PM
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There may well be some drawbacks if you are socially awkward, however in my experience as a guy whos extremely ugly people wont even talk to me for the most part, this stuff doesn't even come down to just finding a partner either, generally people dont even want to be seen with ugly people as it kind of brings their social status down. Appearance is a big factor in how people are treated, ugly people have way more draw backs, thats a fact.
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post #34 of 35 (permalink) Old Yesterday, 10:05 PM
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I'm often given compliments on my looks too and I feel like it creates more problems. I was always a shy person and people always tell me that I shouldn't be shy because I'm "handsome". Or they'll tell me that my personality doesn't match the way I look. I feel like my feelings are invalid. People are quick to judge too. They think I'm a popular snob, but I literally have no friends haha. They claim that they don't "understand" why I'm this way, but there's nothing to figure out. I'm just a shy person, it doesn't matter what I look like.
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post #35 of 35 (permalink) Old Today, 02:18 AM
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@Lyssia : I hope I can click my fingers and be attractive and notice the difference in how people treat me.

People are not horrible to me but they treat me differently to others and never really include me. No one really talks to me. They speak to me but not engaging with me. They just want to talk about themselves.

I'm basically invisible.
@mrpaperheart : Yeah I guess it would be hard for attractive people who are shy because people usually expect them to be social and the leader.

And I do tend to think that attractive who are quiet are snobby.

I've also found that there are more quiet attractive males than females.
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