Where are all these “benefits” of being attractive? - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-04-2019, 11:10 AM Thread Starter
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Where are all these “benefits” of being attractive?


I don’t understand why people say attractive people have it easier socially. I’m considered very attractive, I’m a professional model and have a very difficult time socially. I’m never approached by people and whenever I try talking to people they are extremely rude to me- I have no choice but to be quiet. I also didn’t have my first boyfriend until 22. I’ve tried desperately to make friends but am always rejected. I keep trying to dress up and look my best because I keep hearing about how attractive people have an easier time socially- but I get none of that. I don’t understand this at all.

How can I talk to people when everyone rejects me?
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post #2 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-04-2019, 12:28 PM
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There are no benefits. I could attract guys easily but because I didn't have the same personality or energy they did it didnt last long.

Cat calls and harassment arent benefits.

Just have to find our way and keep going.

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post #3 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-04-2019, 12:52 PM
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It's the "grass is always greener" line of thinking. It's normal that people want to be found attractive. So when we see a person we consider attractive it can play into the "If I looked like like" knee jerk reaction. It's easy to imagine how much "easier" it could be when the "if only I could be/have (insert any perceived improvement)" when we feel discontent. It's an illusion. Pain and problems are still real regardless of how somebody else imagines their life would change if they could trade places. I'm sorry you're experiencing that.
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post #4 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-04-2019, 01:07 PM
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im good looking too, this attractiveness brought me more harm lol, i fking hated when i got harrased by ugly girls, many people tried to initiate a convo with me, but i get too self-conscious, and i can't tell if they are being nice or flirting.
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post #5 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-04-2019, 01:08 PM
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Honestly, for me personally I have little interest in traditionally attractive people, cause I assume attractive means popular & I assume they have tonnes of friends & exciting life & no trouble with meeting people & they would have no interest or time for talking to someone like me, so why waste my time or energy, the popular crowd also made my life hell when I was younger & I'm a strong believer in karma, nothing personal.






And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
A poor player that strut's and fret's his hour upon the stage and is heard no more,
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
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post #6 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-04-2019, 07:52 PM
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There aren't any... I just assume, but don't know personally...

Even shy people can be sassy sometimes...
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post #7 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-04-2019, 10:51 PM
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Well depends, would you honestly rather be considered "ugly" then?

Also, do you value your job and enjoy working in your profession? If yes, you could say a benefit is actually having that professional job which is based on "beauty" where other people who aren't as "attractive" as you automatically cannot even compete with you - Doesn't matter what personality they have either, they literally cannot compete with you for a job position - so wouldn't that make just having the type of job you have basically a social benefit in itself?

Look at basketball, I bet there's some guys out there who would kill to play professionally and are technically gifted both mentally and with gameplay but fall short on important physical aspects that they must compensate for too much.

It also depends on your age as well, older people or 25+ usually have pretty established circles if not many shallow contacts already/or they're not looking to make friends anymore.. so that makes it a lot harder to make friends with them. And then, if you're around lots of other people who are really attractive it becomes normal then and you won't feel "advantaged". I'd assume in the fashion/modelling industry, the designers be the gods of the whole operation, and them easily being able to replace models so charisma becomes more important on top of looks since looks are in abundance already in the modelling industry?

E.g a gifted/talented musician gets acceptance into a prestigious music school, suddenly he/she is not the star anymore because everyone in that school is talented/even better -- equalizing everything making the "benefits" null.

Iunno your situation though so these are just general statements o/

But really, just think, would you rather be "ugly", not have your job/bf?

Also I think the "getting first bf late" argument is null, there's plenty of super attractive people who've never had partners, especially during Uni times... also one could say if you really have a positive outlier, one would be more picky with partners too.

But to really answer your question you need to look at everything because it's contextual of your lifestyle.

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post #8 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-04-2019, 11:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Julia Burns View Post
Iím never approached by people and whenever I try talking to people they are extremely rude to me-
This part right here might be a little bit of jealousy or something. If it's other people of the same sex it could definitely be a lot of jealousy (women can be very nasty to one another when jealousy comes into the picture). If it's men, maybe they think you're unattainable and maybe harboring spiteful feelings from their experiences with being rejected by attractive women in the past.

I obviously have no real insight or advice (I'm pretty lousy with people). But maybe part of it is just that when you're attractive, you're past that hurdle where you have to make a good impression in situations where that is necessary. Such as a job interview. If you just act like you aren't even aware of the fact that you're very attractive, it might come off better. If you try to be too perfect, it might come across as "hot and knows it" or "thinks she's too good for us" (even though that's totally not what you're trying to accomplish) and some people don't like that.

I think maybe what is meant by there being benefits to being attractive is more that you get demerits for being ugly. You don't necessarily get extra points for being attractive but you definitely lose points right off the bat if you're not.

I think it's probably got something to do with the baggage people carry. If people had bad experiences with attractive people they might have prejudices that you know nothing about.

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post #9 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-05-2019, 02:02 AM
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post #10 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-05-2019, 02:28 AM
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Oh, there are, but there are also costs, and few people have seen both sides of the coin to know which they prefer.

I have been considered very ugly, and mildly attractive. Attractiveness wins hands down every time. It has its issues though, the more attractive I got the better women treated me, and the worse men treated me. The uglier I was, the better men treated me and the worse women treated me. This I think is due to a hierarchichal thing, as well as some degree of envy. Especially if they knew the uglier version of you, then they can get really ****ty and try to put you down, because they feel threatened.

I haven't been very attractive though, so I imagine that does come with its own set of unique problems, and they will probably be based around people assuming your life is perfect, jealousy, feeling inferior and the opposite sex trying to take advantage of you / pestering. That in no way means there aren't advantages however, you just may be blind to those, because you have always had them.

Being unattractive carries a far worse set of problems (esp if that comes from being overweight), because then people can treat you like absolute ****.

Enough about me, lets talk about you, what do you think about me?
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post #11 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-05-2019, 04:21 AM
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@karenw tell the truth, do people throw rose petals everywhere you go & you hear Angels sing like a heavenly choir ?






And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
A poor player that strut's and fret's his hour upon the stage and is heard no more,
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
- Macbeth
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post #12 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-05-2019, 04:23 AM
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Awww 😞






And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
A poor player that strut's and fret's his hour upon the stage and is heard no more,
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
- Macbeth
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post #13 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-05-2019, 05:06 AM
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I've been told by numerous people that I'm handsome. I've gotten no benefits or easy access to whatever people say. you're good looking, that's all there is to it.
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post #14 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-05-2019, 05:10 AM
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I presume its about the pre-judgement you get when you are unattractive. In general I think its more negative than when you are considered attractive. Huge generalisation I know and I'm sure the are many negative stereotypes associated with being beautiful.

In my l late 20s I decided that I don't care what other people think and just live my life the way I want. Its not always easy, but my life is much better now because of it.

If people don't accept you for you, they are not worthy of your friendship anyway.

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post #15 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-05-2019, 07:44 AM
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Quote:
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I think maybe what is meant by there being benefits to being attractive is more that you get demerits for being ugly. You don't necessarily get extra points for being attractive but you definitely lose points right off the bat if you're not.
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Oh, there are, but there are also costs, and few people have seen both sides of the coin to know which they prefer.

That in no way means there aren't advantages however, you just may be blind to those, because you have always had them.

Being unattractive carries a far worse set of problems (esp if that comes from being overweight), because then people can treat you like absolute ****.
Both Dave and Bob expressed best with their posts.

One of my past friends (who was overweight) was bullied in college/Uni, people only started backing off because his career status took off and he became popular afterwards.. :S It made me really jaded because one of our mutual teachers who actually favoured him when he was younger, stopped treating him with love when he really started to put on the pounds and would mention his weight to me in private calls and I would be disgusted by the gossipy-nature of the call... I lost a lot of respect for that particular teacher and kind of felt hopeless because they were someone I trusted/looked up to when I was growing up and for them to be this way blew my mind like -- Wow this is really how people are?? Not even [she] of all people is truly accepting, that's disappointing then. :/

It'd be interesting to get more opinions of people who have had dual experiences of having had been unattractive and then having a glo-up or something actually too.

Though with my past friend it is more social status/career success that's blocking people from attacking him now rather than a glo-up, also he has a lot of attractive friends now too so people are wary and treat him with respect (probs because they don't wanna lose reputation around his friends and social circle lol).

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post #16 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-05-2019, 08:04 AM
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@Deaf Mute yeh, I mean I had horrible acne as well as being overweight, and that resulted in some of the worst treatment ever for appearance. Weight can be horrible though. I distinctly remember one female doctor giving me looks of disgust when I was over 350lbs (people tell me I imagined that, I didn't, you get used to seeing it at this weight), and then being ridiculously nice to me at 200lbs, I think because she found me attractive lol. THE most jarring experience.

Here is how I feel about appearance. Firstly, you should strive not to judge others based on appearance. If those thoughts come, challenge them (obviously). Secondly, don't negatively judge yourself based on appearance, try as hard as you can to be kind to yourself. But third, understand that a lot of people do judge on appearance, and appearance will, by and large affect the quality of your life in some way. So deal with low hanging fruit in order to maximise your own (don't go crazy, but make sure **** is in order). Even if improves a little, you might have something better happen to you.

3 can be done entirely independently from 2, without having to adopt the attitude that appearance is precious to you, its just a thing in the world we live in, and you should deal with it accordingly. Something like that.

Would like to hear from others who's appearance has changed.

Enough about me, lets talk about you, what do you think about me?
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post #17 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-05-2019, 08:11 AM
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And also, its all pretty much speculation, other than any studies that might exist on attractiveness. But you can't say "attractiveness got me nowhere", because you don't have another version of you to compare with, nor can you determine whether you had more opportunities due to being attractive, but didn't fully realise them. We can speculate and guess though, and it seems pretty intuitive at least that attractiveness does carry some pretty significant benefits (such as finding partners).

Now I am single again, there's a pretty good reason I am losing weight finally at a rapid speed lol.

Enough about me, lets talk about you, what do you think about me?
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post #18 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-05-2019, 08:46 AM
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Sorry to quote, I don't know how to do the @thing

I am a women, I was overweight (17st) at my heaviest at 16 years old. I would be walking past a group of people and they somehow thought they had the right to shout awful things at me because of my weight.

I decided to loose weight and when I got down to about 9st people started paying attention to me (both sexes), women were friendlier and I got quite a bit of male attention too. I felt nice to be noticed but my anxiety was at its highest. I stopped eating and exercised everyday for hours. I had gone from overeating to eating nothing within a year. I felt more confident with my appearance (especially when people I hadn't seen recently saw me). But other things really spiralled out of control. I got my first boyfriend when I was about 18 and had horrendous trust issues, became infatuated with his exes.... I won't go into it!

I'm fat again now, lol. Thanks to my daughter, buts she's 3 now so I cant keep blaming being pregnant. I'm not as big as I was but I feel unhealthy. I work in healthcare too so feel like a hypocrite. I am worried about losing weight as I don't want to head down that route again.

So yes, people do treat you differently based on my experiences but I was different too. More confident, I would start conversations with people etc... so I can't say that it is all based on appearance.

Even now if I put make up on and actually take 20 mins to get ready on a morning, I look ok and that seems to give me a positive mindset for the day. Most of the time I cannot be arsed though!

"Sometimes I wish I wasn't as conscious as I am. It would be so much easier."
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post #19 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-05-2019, 08:48 AM
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Quote:
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Sorry to quote, I don't know how to do the @thing

I am a women, I was overweight (17st) at my heaviest at 16 years old. I would be walking past a group of people and they somehow thought they had the right to shout awful things at me because of my weight.

I decided to loose weight and when I got down to about 9st people started paying attention to me (both sexes), women were friendlier and I got quite a bit of male attention too. I felt nice to be noticed but my anxiety was at its highest. I stopped eating and exercised everyday for hours. I had gone from overeating to eating nothing within a year. I felt more confident with my appearance (especially when people I hadn't seen recently saw me). But other things really spiralled out of control. I got my first boyfriend when I was about 18 and had horrendous trust issues, became infatuated with his exes.... I won't go into it!

I'm fat again now, lol. Thanks to my daughter, buts she's 3 now so I cant keep blaming being pregnant. I'm not as big as I was but I feel unhealthy. I work in healthcare too so feel like a hypocrite. I am worried about losing weight as I don't want to head down that route again.

So yes, people do treat you differently based on my experiences but I was different too. More confident, I would start conversations with people etc... so I can't say that it is all based on appearance.

Even now if I put make up on and actually take 20 mins to get ready on a morning, I look ok and that seems to give me a positive mindset for the day. Most of the time I cannot be arsed though!
Seems I inadvertently did the @thing , was trying to reply to @SplendidBob

"Sometimes I wish I wasn't as conscious as I am. It would be so much easier."
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post #20 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-05-2019, 08:50 AM
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Yes there are some problems that come with being attractive as you mentioned. But it sure the hell beats the alternative of being ugly and unattractive.
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