That was the one. The "friendship" that completely destroyed my ability to trust any friend ever again. Knowing that somebody can just decide one day, out of the blue, that YEARS of friendship meant nothing just...broke me. I cried for weeks and wanted to die. I no longer believe that anyone can or will want to stay in touch with me for more than a brief, shallow acquaintanceship before moving on to a better friend. I will always be nothing more than a temporary placeholder, and usually not even that. And this really sucks, because I did at last manage to make--and keep--ONE online friend...she's never let me down yet, she continues to reply to me despite my own shoddy excuse for communication (I regularly go months without writing her -_- ), we've even met in person twice. She's the one person, in my entire life, I've maintained contact with for more than a few years. But I don't think I can ever completely trust her, or anyone. Every time I write to her, I'm just about positive this will be the time I don't hear back, or, if I do, she'll tear me apart before ignoring me. And I'd deserve it, I know. I hate being so suspicious and untrusting, especially toward the one person who treats me like I'm worthy of friendship...but SO MANY other people I was POSITIVE were my good friends quickly proved how little I meant to them...I don't know how to trust anymore. And I don't know how to connect, since I'm obviously so bad at it.
This is likely why years of therapy for SA failed miserably, and only made me worse. "Go out and talk to people" was literally the only advice the psychologist had. Thing is, what do you do when you CAN go out and talk to people, at least a little bit, it's actually CONNECTING TO PEOPLE in a meaningful, lasting way that is your problem? Sharing a few shallow words with somebody I'll never meet again doesn't address my underlying problem and my crushing isolation, not by a long shot.
Add to that the fact that BOTH of the other clients my psychologist attempted to get me in touch with, for purposes of maybe establishing such a connection, first agreed to get in touch but, after I did the work of contacting them first, ended up not responding or even standing me up, and yeah...ironically, the therapy experience just ended up proving
my fears that NOBODY wants to connect with me, not even people who say they do. The psychologist didn't see it that way. She blamed me for "expecting too much" (it's expecting too much...to merely expect a reply that's been promised?
), then said she didn't want to hear about it anymore, and I just wasn't trying hard enough (even though I'd done ALL the work and these other two did nothing), and I just like being alone and miserable, and shortly after my therapy was terminated. At the beginning when I expressed guilt over taking up her time, she'd assured me that therapy time was MY time and no one else's...by the end, she was telling me to be happy that now somebody else who needed therapy even more would be getting my time. She hinted that a client who'd committed suicide would still be alive if she'd had access to therapy time I was taking up. "It could be worse; at least you have a roof over your head and books you can read," she told me...then my treatment ended. Cut loose. My therapist KNEW I have suicidal ideation myself, but it didn't matter because I don't matter.
(A short while later I actually got a letter in the mail to officially close my case and they included a brief survey asking what I'd thought of my therapy experience, how helpful had it been? I never filled the damn thing out. Talk about a kick in the gut.)
Therapy taught me, just like all my failed attempts at connecting, that I don't matter, I'm insignificant and quickly forgotten in favor of people who matter more. I'm not meant to connect to others in a meaningful way, and though I don't understand why, I'm solely to blame. I'm just a broken, extraneous person and I don't know why I even exist if this is what my place in the world will always be.
Those are just a few examples out of many, many more. I know people think I'm paranoid and I exaggerate my remarkably poor luck socializing, but if anything, I'm understating it. My luck attempting to connect to others via shared interests and websites, etc., has been exactly the same. I've mostly given up trying to get noticed on sites (despite my crushing loneliness), and I HAVE completely given up trying to connect to individual people. It isn't worth the inevitable pain and disappointment. People almost never notice when I express my loneliness/disconnectedness, though the rare times they reach out to me, I put them off, tell them it won't work and I'm not the potential interesting friend they think I am, and they always quickly back off and stop trying; sometimes they even leave the site or delete their accounts entirely. (It must be embarrassing to be seen interacting with me.) That kind of relieves me, but also kind of hurts, knowing I'm not worth the effort...oh well. I already know that. And I'm always too petrified to do more than respond to the first message, if that much, anyway...too many times, the second message I got from a person was full of insults and invective. Don't have the heart to deal with that anymore. Even tech support e-mails freak me out.
(I asked for help applying for SSI in a disability support group once. Two people offered to assist. The first never replied to me. The second ended up trolling and insulting me repeatedly. When I posted asking WTF that was about, the other users (who didn't offer to help) told me that user was a known troll who had been banned before--yet nobody had bothered warning me. I can't make this up.)
I just safely assume that people will hate me from the start--more than once, people I thought I was on okay terms with, sometimes even people I liked, admitted they hate me without knowing why--so, I'll just assume that's the case, and more often than not, I'm right.