What kind of social anxiety do you have? - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-05-2020, 10:59 PM Thread Starter
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What kind of social anxiety do you have?


I have eye contact social anxiety difficulty but recently I feel I've been doing better. I've got no anxiety socializing.
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post #2 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-06-2020, 02:24 AM
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I suppose I'm rather the opposite. I've never had much trouble with eye contact, I think. And I can fake the superficial niceties well enough. I just hate actually socializing. Especially in person; online or over the phone I'm fine for the most part, though I do still analyze too much after the fact. I'm absolutely terrible at "small talk" and keeping conversations going, especially with people I barely know. I hate being the center of attention for anything; I'll do it if I absolutely have to, but I avoid it whenever I possibly can. I have a strong aversion to being touched as well; I hate handshakes, and if anyone tries to hug me I will literally recoil and push them away.

Social gatherings are the worst for me, like parties. I'll basically just shut down and find a dark corner to disappear into. I hate feeling judged, so dates and job interviews are particularly bad for me.

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post #3 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-06-2020, 04:00 AM
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Originally Posted by lily View Post
I have eye contact social anxiety difficulty but recently I feel I've been doing better. I've got no anxiety socializing.
I sometimes have problems making eye contact depending on who I'm talking to. I think I especially have trouble when I'm talking to authority figures (teachers mostly, or people that I have a lot of respect for. Also people my own age because I dont feel I understand them). I can talk in front of people if I don't feel like there's a chance of me embarrassing myself. So I got a 100% in my speech class in college because I picked topics I didn't feel I would be judged on. But when I had to present my artwork for critique in college classes, I froze every single time. Even cried once. It was awful. I have a hard time ordering food and making phone calls too. Or going anywhere new.
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post #4 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-06-2020, 07:27 AM
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I had to google examples since I couldn't think of anything without writing an essay:

Initiating conversations
Going to a party or social gathering with people I do not know
Speaking up in group discussions
Presenting to a group
Using the telephone
Going on a date
Hanging out with new people
Job interviews
Talking to people my age or younger (outside of work context)
Translating for my parents
Changing plans last minute

It's not that my anxiety is debilitating. I can get these things done if I really have to.
Some of these just makes me somewhat nervous.

Some of these just takes a lot of mental prepping on my part. Or planning ahead. It can just be extremely uncomfortable.

Some of these I just completely avoid.
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post #5 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-06-2020, 11:53 AM
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Eye contact for me is virtually nonexistent with everyone. I suspect this is an issue that goes beyond SA for me, since eye contact isn't merely a "shy" issue but feels really invasive like my mind is being read, and I've had some weird similar issues, e. g., feeling like posters/toys are staring at me, feeling like I'm being watched if I try to exercise or something even in private, etc. (I KNOW I'm not actually being watched and people aren't reading my mind...I'm not delusional. It's just a strong feeling.)

Anyway...the main gist of my SA is inability of close interpersonal communication and connection. I can make a bit of random smalltalk. If I don't have to interact, and know what I'm doing, I'm mostly okay being out in public or around a crowd. Actually holding--and maintaining--indepth conversations, especially one on one, however--as well as going through the process of trying to establish and maintain friendships--i. e., anything that involves really CONNECTING to other people in a meaningful, lasting way...this is beyond my abilities. Just can't do it. -_-

Rest of this behind a spoiler, and probably split into two posts, because it's so long...sorry. I've been dealing with this around four decades, after all. Not proofed yet either.

 

Again, I suspect something more than just SA is to blame for this, because looking back, I believe I had this problem long before my SA developed, and it's probably WHY the SA developed in the first place. I've always been shy, but when younger, I at least had the ability to try to connect with others. Others had little desire to connect with me, though. I only ever made friends in the school environment, when I was basically forced to be around my peers on a daily basis (and they were forced to be around me). And none of those friendships lasted for more than several years, especially outside school. The closest friend I ever had, even, just moved on with her life and forgot about me after she moved away, although I longed for her friendship for years afterward. (That longing died only after she contacted me on Facebook, after years of being out of touch, long enough to update me on how great her life was now, then told me she was too busy for us to reconnect...she was playing Facebook games with her current friends every day.) I realized that I was just a friend of convenience to everyone I'd ever known, and that crushed most of my enthusiasm to reach out to people IRL...not that I had any more opportunities to do so once school ended, anyway.

The one friend I knew of who still lives in the area did reach out to me via snail mail, and we corresponded for a while, but she stopped responding and despite insisting she wanted to get back in touch every time we ran into each other in public, she never responded to my letters or e-mails, so...I don't know. I gave up, ball's in her court. Same as with all my other IRL "friends," I don't expect to ever hear back.

When I first came online in 2000, after three years of total social isolation (aside from my parents), I was full of hope that THIS was my big chance to at last make more friends. I was so chatty and sociable, it was obnoxious. Others must have thought so, too. After lots...and LOTS...of really, really bad interactions...it finally occurred to me that online is even worse for socializing than is real life, because it's so much easier for a person to just up and disappear on you, or tear you to shreds before vanishing, than it is IRL. Plus...there are trolls, harassers, and stalkers. Over and over and OVER this has been my experience trying to make friends and connections online. I'm just as unwanted and invisible, and far more susceptible to ridicule and jeers. I was mocked somewhat IRL, but online, the criticism has been much, MUCH worse. And a lot of it has come from people I thought I could trust, people I thought wanted to be friends.

One of those "friends" stalked and harassed me for a year after blaming ME for our friendship failing--when he was the one who told me he couldn't be friends with me anymore. Knowing how much my writing meant to me, he once snapped, "You're the one who needs to get laid, maybe then you'd have something worth writing about!" He signed up under numerous anonymous accounts to repeatedly rate my writing one star (poor) and left messages in my guestbook blaming me for ruining his chances with another woman (that woman had previously privately warned me about what a psycho this guy was, so he never had a chance with her to start with); this kept up for a year before he finally disappeared.

One of those "friends," whom I'd fallen out of touch with, cheerfully promised to respond to a long e-mail of mine; week after week I saw her lamenting in her blog about how lonely she was, and inviting people to write to her; then when I dared to contact her again, wistfully reminding her of my e-mail, she let her GF, who wasn't involved in any of this, attack me in a private message, making fun of me for writing a "stupid long letter" and misassuming all kinds of things about our friendship, which my "friend" did nothing to correct; I asked my friend to respond for herself, which she at last did, snapping at me that she'd had to cut lots of friends from her life and apparently I meant so little I wasn't even worth telling this...she never explained why she'd been soliciting more friends in her blog...I guess I was just that insignificant.

One of those "friends" who'd been encouraging with my writing started to pull away, never even acknowledging a gift I sent her, insisting her own social anxiety was so bad she had trouble keeping in touch with me. Maybe I could've believed that...if I hadn't come across her on Facebook, posting pics of her partying with her new friends, status updates with her BF/husband (I'd never even known she had one), and chatting regularly with her numerous Facebook friends on her page. She'd always been strangely private and even misleading with her personal info; I saw that she had a field of interest in common with me which we'd never even talked about...too late now. I don't know why my friendship stopped mattering to her...I guess her new friends were just far more interesting and I was merely a placeholder.

One of those "friends" was someone I'd been in touch with for years, he was the most reliable person encouraging me with my writing, we even snail mailed...I literally believed he was the only person I could trust because we'd been in touch so long...then his messages became fewer and fewer, and he stopped replying completely. Yet I'd see him logged into the writing site every day. When I messaged him to ask if everything was okay, he finally replied that he was busy but he looked forward to replying soon, and he'd never given me reason to doubt him, so I believed him. But then week after week went by, with him logged in every day but still not replying. He never responded to any of my other messages to him, including when I simply asked, "If you don't want to be friends anymore, could you at least tell me why?" More weeks of silence passed and I at last gave up hope. Then...around Christmas, I got a gift in the mail from him--a mix tape, a card signed by him and "Wendy"--I have no idea who Wendy was, if she was a GF he'd never told me about her, but it didn't matter because we'd never been romantically interested in each other. I wondered if she was the reason he stopped writing to me? Why didn't he just tell me so? And then, after months of actively ignoring me, to send me this gift out of the blue, no explanation?--for there was no explanation given in the card. I wrote back to him to once again ask, why had he stopped writing to me, and why was he sending me this gift now? All I'd wanted to know was why. And he never responded. I mailed the gift back to him and said I didn't want it, all I'd wanted was his friendship. And that was that. To this day, I have no clue what happened, why years of friendship ended up meaning absolutely nothing and I didn't even deserve an explanation why. I think this was around 2005 or so. I left that writing site for a long time but recently returned, and noticed I'd put him on my ignore list so I didn't have to see him logged on all the time...he'd been on the site as recently as 2018. Still ignoring me.


(cont.)

If I don't reply to you, it's NOTHING PERSONAL. It's my ANXIETY.

***

(Devetko's boyfriend Stan Brooks & Det. Reichert are horsing around.)

Det. Kristeva: "If it were legal you'd marry me, right?"
Det. Devetko: "Definitely."

(It's legal now!! But Kristeva's already married. ;_; )

***

"No canoes...no maple sugar...this place is horribly uncivilized."--Manabozho, Escape From Manitou Island
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post #6 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-06-2020, 11:55 AM
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(cont.)

 

That was the one. The "friendship" that completely destroyed my ability to trust any friend ever again. Knowing that somebody can just decide one day, out of the blue, that YEARS of friendship meant nothing just...broke me. I cried for weeks and wanted to die. I no longer believe that anyone can or will want to stay in touch with me for more than a brief, shallow acquaintanceship before moving on to a better friend. I will always be nothing more than a temporary placeholder, and usually not even that. And this really sucks, because I did at last manage to make--and keep--ONE online friend...she's never let me down yet, she continues to reply to me despite my own shoddy excuse for communication (I regularly go months without writing her -_- ), we've even met in person twice. She's the one person, in my entire life, I've maintained contact with for more than a few years. But I don't think I can ever completely trust her, or anyone. Every time I write to her, I'm just about positive this will be the time I don't hear back, or, if I do, she'll tear me apart before ignoring me. And I'd deserve it, I know. I hate being so suspicious and untrusting, especially toward the one person who treats me like I'm worthy of friendship...but SO MANY other people I was POSITIVE were my good friends quickly proved how little I meant to them...I don't know how to trust anymore. And I don't know how to connect, since I'm obviously so bad at it.

This is likely why years of therapy for SA failed miserably, and only made me worse. "Go out and talk to people" was literally the only advice the psychologist had. Thing is, what do you do when you CAN go out and talk to people, at least a little bit, it's actually CONNECTING TO PEOPLE in a meaningful, lasting way that is your problem? Sharing a few shallow words with somebody I'll never meet again doesn't address my underlying problem and my crushing isolation, not by a long shot.

Add to that the fact that BOTH of the other clients my psychologist attempted to get me in touch with, for purposes of maybe establishing such a connection, first agreed to get in touch but, after I did the work of contacting them first, ended up not responding or even standing me up, and yeah...ironically, the therapy experience just ended up proving my fears that NOBODY wants to connect with me, not even people who say they do. The psychologist didn't see it that way. She blamed me for "expecting too much" (it's expecting too much...to merely expect a reply that's been promised? ), then said she didn't want to hear about it anymore, and I just wasn't trying hard enough (even though I'd done ALL the work and these other two did nothing), and I just like being alone and miserable, and shortly after my therapy was terminated. At the beginning when I expressed guilt over taking up her time, she'd assured me that therapy time was MY time and no one else's...by the end, she was telling me to be happy that now somebody else who needed therapy even more would be getting my time. She hinted that a client who'd committed suicide would still be alive if she'd had access to therapy time I was taking up. "It could be worse; at least you have a roof over your head and books you can read," she told me...then my treatment ended. Cut loose. My therapist KNEW I have suicidal ideation myself, but it didn't matter because I don't matter.

(A short while later I actually got a letter in the mail to officially close my case and they included a brief survey asking what I'd thought of my therapy experience, how helpful had it been? I never filled the damn thing out. Talk about a kick in the gut.)

Therapy taught me, just like all my failed attempts at connecting, that I don't matter, I'm insignificant and quickly forgotten in favor of people who matter more. I'm not meant to connect to others in a meaningful way, and though I don't understand why, I'm solely to blame. I'm just a broken, extraneous person and I don't know why I even exist if this is what my place in the world will always be.

Those are just a few examples out of many, many more. I know people think I'm paranoid and I exaggerate my remarkably poor luck socializing, but if anything, I'm understating it. My luck attempting to connect to others via shared interests and websites, etc., has been exactly the same. I've mostly given up trying to get noticed on sites (despite my crushing loneliness), and I HAVE completely given up trying to connect to individual people. It isn't worth the inevitable pain and disappointment. People almost never notice when I express my loneliness/disconnectedness, though the rare times they reach out to me, I put them off, tell them it won't work and I'm not the potential interesting friend they think I am, and they always quickly back off and stop trying; sometimes they even leave the site or delete their accounts entirely. (It must be embarrassing to be seen interacting with me.) That kind of relieves me, but also kind of hurts, knowing I'm not worth the effort...oh well. I already know that. And I'm always too petrified to do more than respond to the first message, if that much, anyway...too many times, the second message I got from a person was full of insults and invective. Don't have the heart to deal with that anymore. Even tech support e-mails freak me out.

(I asked for help applying for SSI in a disability support group once. Two people offered to assist. The first never replied to me. The second ended up trolling and insulting me repeatedly. When I posted asking WTF that was about, the other users (who didn't offer to help) told me that user was a known troll who had been banned before--yet nobody had bothered warning me. I can't make this up.)

I just safely assume that people will hate me from the start--more than once, people I thought I was on okay terms with, sometimes even people I liked, admitted they hate me without knowing why--so, I'll just assume that's the case, and more often than not, I'm right.


I'm not meant to connect with people. And that's what's behind my crushing anxiety, knowing there is no social connection for me in the world.

If I don't reply to you, it's NOTHING PERSONAL. It's my ANXIETY.

***

(Devetko's boyfriend Stan Brooks & Det. Reichert are horsing around.)

Det. Kristeva: "If it were legal you'd marry me, right?"
Det. Devetko: "Definitely."

(It's legal now!! But Kristeva's already married. ;_; )

***

"No canoes...no maple sugar...this place is horribly uncivilized."--Manabozho, Escape From Manitou Island
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post #7 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-06-2020, 11:59 AM Thread Starter
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I suppose I'm rather the opposite. I've never had much trouble with eye contact, I think. And I can fake the superficial niceties well enough. I just hate actually socializing. Especially in person; online or over the phone I'm fine for the most part, though I do still analyze too much after the fact. I'm absolutely terrible at "small talk" and keeping conversations going, especially with people I barely know. I hate being the center of attention for anything; I'll do it if I absolutely have to, but I avoid it whenever I possibly can. I have a strong aversion to being touched as well; I hate handshakes, and if anyone tries to hug me I will literally recoil and push them away.

Social gatherings are the worst for me, like parties. I'll basically just shut down and find a dark corner to disappear into. I hate feeling judged, so dates and job interviews are particularly bad for me.
I'm not into handshakes either and I like hugs but only from people I like to hug. Maybe you don't like hugs bc of your self-esteem?
I don't like social gatherings either bc my eye contact is not well enough for one, that requires a lot of eye contact. I'll be praying for strong eye contact but even if it's just being able to look at everyone in the eyes that'll be second best but also no one likes being stared at either.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Untitled_Painting View Post
I sometimes have problems making eye contact depending on who I'm talking to. I think I especially have trouble when I'm talking to authority figures (teachers mostly, or people that I have a lot of respect for. Also people my own age because I dont feel I understand them). I can talk in front of people if I don't feel like there's a chance of me embarrassing myself. So I got a 100% in my speech class in college because I picked topics I didn't feel I would be judged on. But when I had to present my artwork for critique in college classes, I froze every single time. Even cried once. It was awful. I have a hard time ordering food and making phone calls too. Or going anywhere new.
Aw I guess your artwork is very important to you. I've done reception calls where you have to page people and that's just not me. I don't have that loud voice. lol
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post #8 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-06-2020, 12:01 PM
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I just can't have conversations with people.
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post #9 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-06-2020, 02:15 PM Thread Starter
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Thanks for the replies everyone.
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post #10 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-06-2020, 02:39 PM
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The kind that makes me anxious about social.

/WYSD
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post #11 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-06-2020, 03:39 PM
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My anxiety stems from the lack of confidence in my social skills. Because I don't have good social skills, I figure I'll embarrass myself or make some kind of bad impression. I'm okay with meeting people, as in just saying hi and introducing myself. But if I'm expected to stick around and converse, that's an issue lol. That's why it's hard to make friends. Communicating online or texting is easier for me because I have more time to prepare a response.

My main anxiety triggers:
* Conversing with anyone new - especially if I get the feeling that they don't particularly like me
* Contributing to group conversations - 1 on 1 is way easier
* Speaking up or even getting up in a quiet room - I feel self-conscious about drawing attention to myself.
* Walking past someone I know in a hallway - This is mostly just awkwardness, but I'll avoid walking around at work to avoid this. I'm not sure if I just say hi or smile or if I should make small talk or not do anything.

And things I can do fine for the most part, but still shy:
* Interviews
* Scheduling appointments
* Presenting projects
* Calling to order something
In these situations, there's a pretty standard "script" for the most part. I can anticipate what will be asked and prepare what to say ahead of time.
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post #12 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-06-2020, 03:41 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Tetragammon View Post
Social gatherings are the worst for me, like parties. I'll basically just shut down and find a dark corner to disappear into. I hate feeling judged, so dates and job interviews are particularly bad for me.
I used to have social anxiety in the way of judgment but now it's just still in a stuck state where my mind will just automatically go into anxiety/phobia with eye contact, eye contact difficulty like it still retains the memory of when I was in Middle school and I didn't handle the situation right or have the right thoughts.
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post #13 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-06-2020, 03:44 PM
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I'm able to maintain good eye contact when I'm listening. But when I speak I have to look away or I'll lose my train of thought and forget what words I want to say :')

Sentences? What are they?
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post #14 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-06-2020, 04:14 PM
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The one where I'm generally bad at being sociable in person mainly, (eye contact, public speaking, eating in public, being the focal point of a group in conversations etc) alcohol has helped with all that greatly at times though. (Too much tbh).

In the past I've been able to build myself up through repeated continuous exposure (in wanting to keep a job etc) to levels I imagine a normie takes for granted, but as soon as I take my foot of the gas I drop like a stone into reclusivity & borderline insanity.

As I've got older it's been getting increasingly more difficult to maintain the facade, I think the reclusivity & insanity is gonna win in the end :-).






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It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
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post #15 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-06-2020, 05:26 PM
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[/quote]
Aw <a href="http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/images/smilies/hugs.gif" border="0" alt="" title="" >:-)</a> I guess your artwork is very important to you. I've done reception calls where you have to page people and that's just not me. I don't have that loud voice. lol[/QUOTE]

It is....it helps me through a lot of emotional problems. It also says a lot about me which is probably the hardest thing for me to talk about.

I also have problems with being loud. My voice is very quiet.
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post #16 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-06-2020, 05:31 PM
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Aw <a href="http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/images/smilies/hugs.gif" border="0" alt="" title="" >:-)</a> I guess your artwork is very important to you. I've done reception calls where you have to page people and that's just not me. I don't have that loud voice. lol
It is....it helps me through a lot of emotional problems. It also says a lot about me which is probably the hardest thing for me to talk about.

I also have problems with being loud. My voice is very quiet.
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post #17 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-06-2020, 05:45 PM
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I get anxious about interaction with other humans.

last time I had a proper anxiety attack was years ago though. I walked in on a flatmates birthday party.

"I take what is mine. I pay the iron price."
―Balon Greyjoy
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post #18 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-06-2020, 05:46 PM Thread Starter
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A lot of people here seem so afraid to talk, they're online but not posting. it's just boring.
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post #19 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-06-2020, 05:49 PM
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A lot of people here seem so afraid to talk, they're online but not posting. it's just boring.
That is the nature of the place : /






And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
A poor player that strut's and fret's his hour upon the stage and is heard no more,
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
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post #20 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-06-2020, 05:59 PM Thread Starter
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That is the nature of the place : /
Sorry I don't want to offend anyone. I was just expressing myself.
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