Used to be having nothing to talk about/connect with other people over. Making smalltalk is tedious and doesn't make me feel connected to somebody else. But nobody wants to talk about the stuff I connect over, so, I've never been able to really connect with anyone beyond the most shallow interactions. (The main reason that psychologists' suggestion to "Go out and talk to people!" as a means to combat social anxiety was utterly idiotic and didn't address my underlying problem.)
Nowadays, though, just plain terror is the biggest obstacle. Partly due to the above, partly due to...I'm not even sure, just people disliking me for whatever reason...I've been rejected, criticized, and ridiculed in the most painful ways, over and over and over, including by the very few people I was POSITIVE I could connect with, I got such good feelings from them. God was I wrong.
Nowadays the best reaction I can expect from other people is to just be ignored, but that hurts a lot, too.
Knowing that either ignoring or hostility is what I'm going to get when I try to socialize with others, I've developed almost this PTSD-like response to socializing, where all I can think of is all the bad experiences I've had before, so it's not worth it, the fear wins out. I've learned to avoid. I no longer even try.
If I don't reply to you, it's NOTHING PERSONAL. It's my ANXIETY.
(Devetko's boyfriend Stan Brooks & Det. Reichert are horsing around.)
Det. Kristeva: "If it were legal you'd marry me, right?"
Det. Devetko: "Definitely."
(It's legal now!! But Kristeva's already married. ;_; )
"No canoes...no maple sugar...this place is horribly uncivilized."--Manabozho, Escape From Manitou Island