What if I don't want to get better?
This may be a strange question to bring to a place like this, but here goes...
I posted an intro thread yesterday and got responses (both public and pm) with tips and ideas to "get better." Seems like a sensible reply I guess, but I realized it's not at all what I'm looking for. At the moment I'm realizing I have no real interest in changing or fixing myself. I miss being out in the world...I miss being active, going hiking, seeing friends, etc. But right now that doesn't seem like my biggest issue.
I struggle a lot to express myself, to the point that sometimes I can't speak at all. What's really scaring me right now is that when I've found the words, practiced them, and finally told people, no one can seem to understand. Most of the time I can't leave my house or do much of anything. I guess that's not a way to live, but I don't have any big goals to fix it. Honestly I can't even put a finger on what I want to be different.
Mainly, I think I just want to be heard and have my friends understand. The problem is, on the rare times that I do make it out in the world...it seems that the same mechanism that won't let me talk to people or leave the house most of the time, suddenly doesn't let me show how I'm really feeling. I could be totally miserable or terrified or whatever inside, but I greet people with smiles and participate "normally" in whatever I'm doing. Then, when I do tell people how I'm feeling, all they see is the "normal", and they don't seem to believe how bad it gets. They say things like, "I don't think you're doing as bad as you think you are." Lines like that honestly trigger anxiety more than anything else for me. I don't know that I'm ready to "get better", but it's terrifying to be that even when I want people to know I'm essentially not believed.
Each time I try to put myself out there, it tends to get thrown back in my face and I leave the situation feeling worse. So I'm not sure that "getting better" is actually my goal. I think my goal is just to express myself in a way that people can understand. Or maybe find a person that understands so I'm not alone in it all.
Does this make sense to anyone?
If this isn't an appropriate perspective for this forum let me know and I'll look elsewhere.