the understanding to change - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 10-03-2006, 02:15 PM Thread Starter
 
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the understanding to change


Social anxiety = negative beliefs.

To change a belief, we have to doubt it, and a new belief will emerge.
After that, we find evidences in the real world.

Example.
Belief = I cannot talk to people because they will criticize me.

Solution.
Ask yourself is that true? NO.
New belief = I can talk to people.

So you go out, and try to talk to people.
Scenario 1 : people respond positive to you, you are happy and confident.
Scenario 2 : people criticize you, laugh at you... you lose confidence, you don't believe the new belief.

It seems that to cure shyness, it is DEPENDANT on EXTERNAL FACTORS which we have no control, a never-ending process !


can you help me....
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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 10-03-2006, 03:06 PM
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I think that what you have typed here means that if YOU hold this belief that " i cannot talk to people becuse they will criticise me" then YOU go out into the world to try out these 2 scenarios. If the 1st scenario is true for YOU then you can shed that belief (although im not sure that you have to be happy and confident in order for people to respond positively to you). Curing shyness is NOT dependant on external factors, it is all about what/ how you percieve things from within yourself. This example is only about going out and putting that belief to the test, to see if it has any credibility that is all. For example im sure that not EVERY SINGLE PERSON that you have ever encountered in your life has responded to you as depicted in scenario 2?? Therefore, yes you can talk to people without them critisising you. Perhaps a few people, even many may have critisised you in the past but it is not true for everybody is it? Hope this helps.
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 10-03-2006, 03:19 PM
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It's good that you can pin point one of your negative thoughts

What I've learned over the years is that your thoughts cause feelings. If you think it you'll feel it.

when I did my CBT I wrote everything now. And of course it got thrown away, I wish I still had it all. But I would start with the situation that made me anxious. Such as pumping gas.

Then I would write down what I was thinking as to why it made me anxious, my negative thoughts. I don't know how to do and people are going to be staring at me and laughing because I'll look stupid not knowing what I'm doing.

Next I would go though the list of cognitive distortions, which are:
All or nothing thinking
Over-generalization
mental filter
disqualifying the positive
jumping to conclusions
magnification and minimization
emotional reasoning
should statements
labeling and mislabeling
personalization
Here's a link that explains them further http://daphne.palomar.edu/jtagg/cds.htm

I'd then pick out which cognitive distortions I was using in my thinking. For me that helped me to see that my negative thoughts really were not right.

and then I'd write my more rational thoughts about the situation. Such as everyone has to learn how to pump gas sometime, no one knows how to do it right off the bat. People there aren't going to be concerned with me, they'll be doing their own thing and not care what I'm doing. No one is going to be staring at me, and if they are maybe it's because they like my hair or my blouse.

After you go through all that you have to give yourself a little time to let it sink in. You have to read it over and over. Go over the cognitive distortions, go over your rational thoughts again and again. For me just writing it down and doing it didn't help, I had to read it over a few times.

And yes it's hard at first, but you gotta keep doing it and doing it and eventually you'll see some positive results

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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 10-03-2006, 04:43 PM
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Quote:
Scenario 2 : people criticize you, laugh at you... you lose confidence, you don't believe the new belief.
OR

Scenario 2 : people criticize you, laugh at you... but you don't care 'cause you did talk to them, but they just happened to be stupid. You still know that you are one step closer to being the person you want to be - not only that but now you know you can talk to people even if they laugh at you.

"I take what is mine. I pay the iron price."
―Balon Greyjoy
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 10-05-2006, 12:49 AM
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Re: the understanding to change


Quote:
Originally Posted by Need
Social anxiety = negative beliefs.

To change a belief, we have to doubt it, and a new belief will emerge.
After that, we find evidences in the real world.

Example.
Belief = I cannot talk to people because they will criticize me.

Solution.
Ask yourself is that true? NO.
New belief = I can talk to people.

So you go out, and try to talk to people.
Scenario 1 : people respond positive to you, you are happy and confident.
Scenario 2 : people criticize you, laugh at you... you lose confidence, you don't believe the new belief.

It seems that to cure shyness, it is DEPENDANT on EXTERNAL FACTORS which we have no control, a never-ending process !


can you help me....
To change a belief, you have to use a new one to replace it with. Your subconscious will not automatically manufacture a new belief for you just because you dissolve the unwanted one.

And, a person's subconscious mind is incapable of understanding negatives in language, so the belief you stated that is in your mind would really read more like this:

BELIEF: Whenever I talk to people, they criticize me.

Consciously, you conclude that you cannot talk to people because you do not want this undesirable outcome.

It's true, you must replace your unwanted beliefs with wanted ones, and the reason it is so difficult to do this is because when we make a statement like, I can talk to people and they like me, there are these subconscious arguments that come up trying desperately to defend the existing belief that you will be criticized for talking to people. If you could successfully integrate this new belief into your mind, you will only see that people respond positively to you as you speak to them. You will not notice those who criticize you because they will remain outside of your awareness.

Once a belief is locked into your subconscious, it would be like breaking into your local bank's vault and running with the cash in order to change it. Once in there, it will be there for good unless you're stealthy enough to remove it...
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 10-05-2006, 08:46 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by emeraldoceans
Curing shyness is NOT dependant on external factors, it is all about what/ how you percieve things from within yourself.



I sound like a broken record with this .. but in the past I've tried exposing myself over and over and over to situations that made me nervous, it helped, but after a few bad experiences I reverted back to my old behaviour. now I don't put myself in as many forced situations, but 99% of the time I am thinking positively. now even when I am in situations that would normally make me nervous I percieve things will be positive, and therefore they go well.

point is, exposing yourself to anxious situations may work to some degree. but if you aren't changing the thoughts that make those situations bad you really aren't doing anything. you CAN work on yourself from the inside, all it takes is persistance and self-discipline.
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