The obsession of pleasing everyone.. - Social Anxiety Forum
 
Thread Tools
post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 09-28-2013, 12:44 PM Thread Starter
SAS Member
 
DarkmanX's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Age: 29
Posts: 680

The obsession of pleasing everyone..


Anybody else struggle with this?

I'm a libra. Was never big on zodiac signs but i just read something about it yesterday that almost described me to exact *. It's almost scary.

One of the things it mentioned was that we have this obsession of always feeling the need to please everybody else, "You find that you do not really like yourself and/or beating yourself up over not being able to please another.", which i relate to.

Ive always been that way, which is why i believe im so sensitive towards criticism, "and among their faults is an impatience of criticism and a greed for approval".

It also talks about that libra's are very trusting, diplomatic, critical and stuff - thats me!

Being black, living were i live and the enviroment i did i always had this weird thing about not being a "stereotype" around people, which is a form of pleasing someone else. Especially in places like work and stuff.

Now, the point is that mixed with SA only makes it harder for me. One on hand i dont wanna be "too..." of anything, good or bad, or coming of as a try hard, but then if i dont then ill become a outcast, say at a job or so.

The constant need to please everybody makes me obsessed with needing to make sure people dont think negatively of me, which is so extra draining with SA. So instead i end up between 2 extremes, either supe stale with a bad mood cuz i get upset about it or trying extremely hard to look "comfortable" and sociable, even tho i ironically aint. So i end up becoming seriously weird and then super drained at the end either way.

So i wonder if i ever can overcome SA with stuff like this, especially in work enviroments which is my biggest fear right now. How can i feel relaxed or confident enough if all i keep thinking of is how im percieved and pleasing everyone..

Anybody else who can relate?

* = link to the site about libra's http://www.astrology-online.com/libra.htm
DarkmanX is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 09-28-2013, 12:58 PM
SAS Member
 
RyanAdams's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The World's Best Kept Secret
Gender: Male
Posts: 592
While I'm not a libra, I fully relate to all this. It's exhausting to be this way and a big part of the reason why my life is a living Hell. If I ever did have an potential to be awesome, I'll never see it in my lifetime because of trying to make everyone else happy.
RyanAdams is offline  
post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 09-28-2013, 01:13 PM
SAS Member
 
CharlieHorse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Hedgehog City
Gender: Male
Posts: 58
I don't believe in astrology. But I can relate. I'm black as well and have dealt with the same thing of impressing people because I don't fit the stereotype. But because I didn't fit the stereotype, I became alienated and never fitting into one group. I had to improvise and move in between different groups, especially in High School. I was a politics nerd and loved debate, I wasn't into American politics as much as international politics and economics. My biggest focus of reading at the time was Parliamentary system of Britain and the commonwealths. but Back in school I was never in debate club and rarely made friends with debate team members, even many of them had no idea what I would talk about if I mentioned who PM Harper is or even Gordon Brown & Tony Blair. So I was acquaintances with the popular jock types, the geeks, the juggalos, the druggies, and dated a mall rat...I often felt in my own bubble as you will trying to find ways to please everyone because I didn't have any real friends.

The only problem was that, even though I helped others (literally doing hours of work for free) and made sure to be nice. These same people disowned me for little more than a silly Facebook rumour and annoyance. I had no support from these 'friends' when it was all said and done, the same friends who now hate me were the same ones who supported another kid who was found to have murdered a mentally challenged girl near my neighbourhood.

Case and point, don't try to please everyone and try to own your own emotions and time again. Don't let anyone take away your freedom to be happy. It might sound a bit harsh, but these people are not your 'friends' and will end up not supporting you when it's all said and done.

Edit: I'm assuming that you live in the states. Some of my worst years were spent living there.
CharlieHorse is offline  
 
post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 09-28-2013, 01:18 PM
SAS Member
 
original's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New Zealand
Gender: Female
Age: 36
Posts: 91
I'm a libra and while I don't believe much in star signs I totally relate to this. Looking happy and comfortable in social situations is so tiring for me and I try to please everyone even people that really don't deserve it. I hate work for that reason. Everything is so draining.

Posted via Topify using Android
original is offline  
post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 09-28-2013, 02:09 PM Thread Starter
SAS Member
 
DarkmanX's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Age: 29
Posts: 680
Quote:
Originally Posted by CharlieHorse View Post
I don't believe in astrology. But I can relate. I'm black as well and have dealt with the same thing of impressing people because I don't fit the stereotype. But because I didn't fit the stereotype, I became alienated and never fitting into one group. I had to improvise and move in between different groups, especially in High School. I was a politics nerd and loved debate, I wasn't into American politics as much as international politics and economics. My biggest focus of reading at the time was Parliamentary system of Britain and the commonwealths. but Back in school I was never in debate club and rarely made friends with debate team members, even many of them had no idea what I would talk about if I mentioned who PM Harper is or even Gordon Brown & Tony Blair. So I was acquaintances with the popular jock types, the geeks, the juggalos, the druggies, and dated a mall rat...I often felt in my own bubble as you will trying to find ways to please everyone because I didn't have any real friends.

The only problem was that, even though I helped others (literally doing hours of work for free) and made sure to be nice. These same people disowned me for little more than a silly Facebook rumour and annoyance. I had no support from these 'friends' when it was all said and done, the same friends who now hate me were the same ones who supported another kid who was found to have murdered a mentally challenged girl near my neighbourhood.

Case and point, don't try to please everyone and try to own your own emotions and time again. Don't let anyone take away your freedom to be happy. It might sound a bit harsh, but these people are not your 'friends' and will end up not supporting you when it's all said and done.

Edit: I'm assuming that you live in the states. Some of my worst years were spent living there.
Actually i dont. I live in Europe. I have alot of family over there though.

What you said is really why i started to not hang around alot of my "friends". Once i got through a dark faze i saw how people tried to drift away instead of even asking if i'm straight or not. I understand that we guys might be different in handling things, but i felt i always was open and honest about myself and gave alot to alot of these leeches.

So i understand and feel you, bro.

As far as not being concerned, it's hard. I always compare myself to someone else, always stress myself out when i find out some old friend might be doing good, then the pleasing everybody stuff. I think it partially came from what my mother used to always say though. Other than that it's probably due to my fear of not reaching where i wanna reach. I've had that worry even when i was a kid though. It's so hard not to think about it.

It's just so draining. I remember when i got my first job only for a few months. The SA, the "being nice" obsession, "being too afraid of saying something wrong/doing something wrong", the "i dont trust all of them" when they converse with me obsession and so on..so fu*king draining. By the time i went home each day i could almost sleep on my way..so drainig, so tired.

I really dont know how to get rid of it. The only time of the day that i "semi-okay" is when i first walk out the house on a day, or when i just woke up. I just started drinking coffee too, which i used to hate and know aint the best for you, but to have some type of energy i have to drink alot of coffee, but even that doesnt last long due to the caffeine wearing off so quickly.
DarkmanX is offline  
post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 09-28-2013, 04:20 PM
SAS Member
 
Shirotora's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Cape Breton, Nova Scotia, Canada
Gender: Male
Age: 28
Posts: 398
Quote:
Originally Posted by CharlieHorse View Post
I don't believe in astrology.
Same as me. XD
Had to quote that because that hedgehog pic is cute.

But to get back to the topic, I have a problem with this as well.
I wish I could just relax myself and do stuff when I feel like it instead of saying yes to everyone for every little thing. I really need to learn to say no and be assertive.

Spread the word about how important that we save the tigers for our world.
(I have an egroup called Tiger Appreciation group, anyone who likes to give support can join.) :3


We are what we are, so don't change who you are just improve yourself to overcome the challenges that life throws at you. Then one day you'll have what you worked for.
Shirotora is offline  
post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 09-28-2013, 10:44 PM
Feeling Sassy
 
Auroras's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Dallas
Gender: Female
Posts: 479
Although not a Libra and I only use horoscopes for sheer entertainment, people pleasing is the worse thing you can do to yourself. Not only do you not get the respect you deserve but it opens a door for others to use and abuse you. Please don't be a doormat.

.: In a World of my Own :.
Project Heart
Auroras is offline  
post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 09-28-2013, 11:01 PM
In Liquidation
 
Blue Dino's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 6,047
I do the same as well. Though I don't have an obsession, but more like I would try my best to avoid not having a single person become displeased with me, or feel displeased in general.

Even when I'm hanging out with a group, if I notice one individual is uncomfortable (which I usually have a sharp eye for), I would feel uneasy myself. Probably a bad trait to have in some ways in our "cutthroat" "dog eat dog" world.

Guess that's where the simple common quote "can't please everybody" comes from.
Blue Dino is offline  
post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-15-2016, 06:26 AM
SAS Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 4
My Mood: Cheerful
I'm a sagitarius. I really try to please every one, most of the time, not always, at the sacrifice of what i really want. Most of the time its small things like saying i dont mind what we watch on the tv, when i actually do. But sometimes its big thing too; cant think of any examples
ajkocan is offline  
post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-15-2016, 07:09 AM
SAS Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 27
Not that it's relevant but I am a leo and guilty of doing this as well. I have a hard time saying no to people when they ask me to do things that I don't really want to do. It's like I have a fear of them being mad at me if I refuse, and I hate to cause any sort of conflict. It will just haunt me later on.
Russalka is offline  
post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-15-2016, 05:34 PM
SAS Member
 
devitalized's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: US
Gender: Male
Posts: 129
I'm a compulsive people pleaser. It's pathetic but I can't stop. I always try to say what the other person wants to hear, regardless of my true feelings toward the subject. Adjusting my personality to fit other people's preferences is just something I have to do. I've become so alienated from myself that I have no idea what my real preferences or desires actually are. I just let the idea that I can be all things to all people drive my behavior, and if I fail, I turn into a hermit. I've gotten good at it though, to the point where most people I come into contact with eventually like me. The problem is that although I can get almost anyone to like me, I can't get anyone to respect me. To others I'm just a benign idiot, lovable but too unworthy to be on their level. It's frustrating being on good terms with everyone yet truly connecting to no one.

Also I'm supposed to be a Leo which proves astrology is bull****.
devitalized is offline  
post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-01-2018, 05:10 AM
SAS Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 17
I didn't know back then, but I subconsciously used to please a LOT of people. One day, I just had enough.. Usually, sometime trigger the 'screw this' mentality, and from there on, I just LET GO, and stopped being so nice. I started acting through my own intentions and as a result, people started liking me for me.. Not me for please-ing.
approachanxiety is offline  
post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-01-2018, 07:56 AM
SAS Member
 
marsia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: California
Gender: Female
Posts: 783
I'm really working on this, too. The trap is that we are afraid of being hurt so we put up a wall, and then we have to fight the wall to have any human contact. So I am working on taking down the wall and letting myself feel hurt if I get hurt.

I am doing this because the alternative of being so self protective that I just end up feeding the SA - it's nearly impossible to be self protective and at the same time spontaneous and fun and interesting. So what I discovered is that I am looking to others to define me because I am unsure of myself. I am comparing myself to others because I was taught to do this by society, and it's unhealthy.

So instead I am learning to like and to have compassion for myself. It's really hard, but in the last year I have cut out a lot of negative self talk and gotten a lot more supportive of myself. I am now working on noticing how I psych myself out when it comes to talking to people. I still hang on to those thoughts about how I am not interesting enough or "normal" or "mainstream" enough when talking to normal people, or "cool" enough or "interesting" enough when talking with non-mainstream creative people. So instead of comparing myself to others now, I look for role models - people who are doing what I want to be doing, so I can get inspired by them. I am redefining myself to myself, and instead of trying to change myself through forcing myself, I am inspiring myself to be who I really want to be. And if someone doesn't like who I am, it's not as big of a deal because I am learning to like me and not give my power away to strangers. I don't think the issue is as much about what astrological sign you are or why you stick out (race, body type, or other things that people notice and judge you for), it's more about how confident you are within yourself. Sure there are always going to be racist or other forms of ignorant people, but if we truly like ourselves, it won't matter as much. We will be able to see them for what they are - people who have emotional immaturity that they need to work on.
marsia is offline  
Reply

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Dwight Howard's shoulders - aesthetically pleasing or no? jamesd Nutrition, Supplements and Exercise 43 01-01-2018 05:11 AM
The lost art of people pleasing - Still Waters 30+ Members 2 02-15-2016 06:29 AM
Pleasing parents HurricaneDrunk LGBTQ+ 2 12-14-2012 04:35 PM
Demands and pleasing others... Royals Coping With Social Anxiety 4 08-31-2012 06:59 AM
Ok, I got an idea!! humor and pride vs comfort and pleasing ~AJ~ Coping With Social Anxiety 4 08-28-2008 08:14 PM

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome