Socializing a lot - feeling empty a lot - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 19 (permalink) Old 08-07-2008, 03:00 PM Thread Starter
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Socializing a lot - feeling empty a lot


Empty and exhausted. I don't really recognise myself sometimes. It's not that it's all good now but I make an effort and meet up with people a few times a week.

I don't feel comfortable. Does that come after a while?
I thought people would fill the hole in my life and the hole in me but they don't.

When I started coming to this board (ages ago) I once saw a thread about this topic. Anyone around now go through similar things? Or is already beyond it?
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post #2 of 19 (permalink) Old 08-07-2008, 04:34 PM
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Re: Socializing a lot - feeling empty a lot


I only really feel content when I'm with good friends, I don't care much for hanging out with people I'm not that comfortable around. It's alright on a weekly basis but there's no way I'd want to do it more than once or twice a week, you need some close friends to feel satisfied.
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post #3 of 19 (permalink) Old 08-07-2008, 04:44 PM
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Re: Socializing a lot - feeling empty a lot


I would say that for me at least, it takes awhile to feel comfortable around people and to open up. I would say just to give it some time and hopefully it will get better.
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post #4 of 19 (permalink) Old 08-07-2008, 06:58 PM
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Re: Socializing a lot - feeling empty a lot


This happens to me, too.
For a long time, I only concentrated on actions, getting out there and socializing. But all the same insecurities and negative thoughts were still present.
Maybe for some it just takes time, but it's something I need to address and consciously work at.
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post #5 of 19 (permalink) Old 08-08-2008, 02:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Socializing a lot - feeling empty a lot


Quote:
Originally Posted by juice
I only really feel content when I'm with good friends, I don't care much for hanging out with people I'm not that comfortable around. It's alright on a weekly basis but there's no way I'd want to do it more than once or twice a week, you need some close friends to feel satisfied.
I am trying to get used to socialising like other people do it. SA has really shut a large number of doors for me work and otherwise and I want to overcome it. I think you are right that you have to be with close friends to feel satisfied but I think it must be possible to practice to the point when anxiety is no longer in charge and then fun would set in?!?
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post #6 of 19 (permalink) Old 08-08-2008, 02:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Socializing a lot - feeling empty a lot


Quote:
Originally Posted by shyvr6
I would say that for me at least, it takes awhile to feel comfortable around people and to open up. I would say just to give it some time and hopefully it will get better.
Yeah, there is one girl whom I am slowly becoming friends with. I just want to be able to socialise with people in general without massive anxieties getting the better of me.
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post #7 of 19 (permalink) Old 08-08-2008, 02:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Socializing a lot - feeling empty a lot


Quote:
Originally Posted by jane
This happens to me, too.
For a long time, I only concentrated on actions, getting out there and socializing. But all the same insecurities and negative thoughts were still present.
Maybe for some it just takes time, but it's something I need to address and consciously work at.
That's what I do. I totally focus on re-training myself. So far to little effect. Then again I did the same 18 months ago when I took a course in public speaking and it took a year but since then I can talk freely in front of 10-20 people and enjoy it. Back then it was really tough as well, particulary the first few months. Maybe I have just answered my own question? Maybe I just need to get through the next few months???

Good luck, Jane. What do you do to put yourself out there?
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post #8 of 19 (permalink) Old 08-08-2008, 03:07 PM
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Re: Socializing a lot - feeling empty a lot


Idk when i start to feel good and make an effort and get out a little like i have been lately I almost think I don't want to feel good because everytime something is said or done that tears me back down.

Or if I get feeling good and socializing I find end up alone and depressed at the end of the night and it feels like a waste.

Pretty sure I'll be feeling empty til a find a girl who fits well with me and is what I'm looking for. The search seems impossible tho with SA

Let there be stregnth in me to face my world
To accept my feelings rather than fight them
For they shall pass...
And to be patient with time
Knowing that this day I have obtained
Another step to my recovery.
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post #9 of 19 (permalink) Old 08-08-2008, 06:50 PM
 
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Re: Socializing a lot - feeling empty a lot


I have alot of trouble too with my socializing stuff. Everytime i go out, I feel more depressed and uncomfortable with myself, and now it's gone to the point where i have avoided any social activity. Which sadly resulted in distancing myself from friends and losing contact with them. (Thats really hows its been for me for most of my life). I'm trying my best now to make an effort and get back in contact, but its just so mentally draining with SA
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post #10 of 19 (permalink) Old 08-11-2008, 01:35 PM
 
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Re: Socializing a lot - feeling empty a lot


Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa
Empty and exhausted. I don't really recognise myself sometimes. It's not that it's all good now but I make an effort and meet up with people a few times a week.

I don't feel comfortable. Does that come after a while?
I thought people would fill the hole in my life and the hole in me but they don't.

When I started coming to this board (ages ago) I once saw a thread about this topic. Anyone around now go through similar things? Or is already beyond it?
It was better at the start..that is when I got some new friends but I don't really get the good feeling about it anymore. But it's probably because my friends/friendships are lame. What I mean by this is my friends aren't really outgoing so basically I'm confied to the same persons everytime we hang out. And on the top of that most of my friendships are somewhat shallow eg. with some of them I drink occasionally, with some we play videogames etc.. Do one or couple things. I would want some more in-depth relationships but I probably never gotta get some of those.
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post #11 of 19 (permalink) Old 08-11-2008, 01:54 PM
 
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Re: Socializing a lot - feeling empty a lot


I feel the same. socializing is a chore. going out and having a good time is more painful than anything, its way more fun to stay home and clean up.

its cause theres a bad habit of expecting critism and seeing critical thoughts in everyone

"I shouldnt have said that"
"I look stupid"
"I offended them"
"they're mad cause i interrupted them"
"they dont like me cause i dont talk enough"

the only reason these thoughts exist is cause sometimes they are correct, but most of the time they arent. Usually they're correct because of the thoughts themselves as seen in this loop:

1. you expect critism
2. you be closed, reserved, unhappy
3. people sense this and dont like it
4. you sense that people dont like you
5. you repeat from step 1

critism, disapproval, being disliked, rejection all equal PAIN
recognition, approval, appriciation, being liked all equal FUN

so heres the plan:

create a cycle of fun to nullify the pain cycle:

1. you expect recognition, praise, approval
2. you be open, fun, happy
3. people sense this and like it
4. you sense people like you
5. you repeat from step 1

so how do you remove the old life long habit of expecting critism and turn it into a habit of looking for recognition and love?

I dont know, Ive been trying to do this forever, I still got bad habits
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post #12 of 19 (permalink) Old 08-11-2008, 09:41 PM
 
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Re: Socializing a lot - feeling empty a lot


I feel the exact same way, socializing just tires me out. Unless I'm with close friends with whom it's effortless, (takes a long time to get there!) I just end up wishing it would be over.
Went to a bbq today I really really had to drag myself to. I have felt horrible all day, leading up to it, then when I was there I felt guilty because I wanted to leave, now all night I'm analyzing every conversation I had.
This is why I prefer knitting and watching TV.
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post #13 of 19 (permalink) Old 08-12-2008, 05:23 AM
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Re: Socializing a lot - feeling empty a lot


I feel the same, at work i do socialize in a weird way . .like all i do is joke around, it seems all good and i make everyone laugh and i make a mockery of myself to do this - it all seems good.

Then when im home I negatively evaluate this and say to myself "you were just using one liners, you werent involved in deep enough conversations, youve gotten nowhere" . . its like a never ending cycle
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post #14 of 19 (permalink) Old 08-12-2008, 07:15 AM
 
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Re: Socializing a lot - feeling empty a lot


Socializing exhaust me too.. Keep pretending a funny and outgoing guy is really exhausting. If you don't talk, people will say you are quiet and think you are weird.
So I am busy thinking what to talk about when I am socializing people. Also at the same time I need to fight the fear that is trying to stop me from talking.
Meeting people that you don't care is not fun at all.

Hanging with my real friends is a lot of fun though because I don't need to care about what I am really doing. I just need to be myself.
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post #15 of 19 (permalink) Old 08-12-2008, 07:45 AM
 
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Re: Socializing a lot - feeling empty a lot


i so agree with you!

When socialising (if I ever get there after the panic attack, tears etc) is totally mentally and physically exhausting. I find smaller, more intimate groups particularly at pubs or restaurants way easier because the people you need to talk to are stuck in one place and can't walk away leaving you standing alone looking like a fool.

This has happened to me so many times at parties - my partner who is outgoing walks around talking to people and I get separated. I end up talking to one person and totally over-exhaust the conversation to try to prevent them from leaving me. That person obviously wants to circulate themselves and therefore eventually make their excuses and walk away leaving me on the verge of tears because the massive cloud of negativity descends on me and I have to disappear to the loos to compose myself. I then have to try to join in another groups conversation without looking weird or intruding.

I watch other 'normal' people at these functions to try to work out how they do it but am none the wiser. It must be in my head, but without the assistance of alcohol (which we all know can make us go down rather than up too) I just can't make it through.

I'm not an alchie BTW, just don't go out a lot any more!!!

Reading a lot of the threads, I rpobably seem fortunate that I have a partner as a few of you seem concerned that you haven't got one, and won't in your current state. Whilst yes, I am lucky to have a partner, I do over-rely on him and use him as a social crutch a little too much, as perhaps if i didn't have him, I might be forced to make myself get out there a bit more? i don't know.
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post #16 of 19 (permalink) Old 08-12-2008, 09:26 AM
 
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Re: Socializing a lot - feeling empty a lot


Quote:
Originally Posted by haitch-2-o
i so agree with you!

When socialising (if I ever get there after the panic attack, tears etc) is totally mentally and physically exhausting. I find smaller, more intimate groups particularly at pubs or restaurants way easier because the people you need to talk to are stuck in one place and can't walk away leaving you standing alone looking like a fool.

This has happened to me so many times at parties - my partner who is outgoing walks around talking to people and I get separated. I end up talking to one person and totally over-exhaust the conversation to try to prevent them from leaving me. That person obviously wants to circulate themselves and therefore eventually make their excuses and walk away leaving me on the verge of tears because the massive cloud of negativity descends on me and I have to disappear to the loos to compose myself. I then have to try to join in another groups conversation without looking weird or intruding.

I watch other 'normal' people at these functions to try to work out how they do it but am none the wiser. It must be in my head, but without the assistance of alcohol (which we all know can make us go down rather than up too) I just can't make it through.

I'm not an alchie BTW, just don't go out a lot any more!!!

Reading a lot of the threads, I rpobably seem fortunate that I have a partner as a few of you seem concerned that you haven't got one, and won't in your current state. Whilst yes, I am lucky to have a partner, I do over-rely on him and use him as a social crutch a little too much, as perhaps if i didn't have him, I might be forced to make myself get out there a bit more? i don't know.
Yes. I clockwatch, start yawning and start to wish I was back home. The big hurdle is the exhaustion of actually going out as I avoid a lot. If I feel confident and bouncy I find my mood drops after a few hours.
I can really relate to the comment about your partner. Mine owns a small business and is very relaxed and confident and talks loudly and easily to people. I sometimes feel I'm getting on great with people until I go on my own and realize I've never actually talked to them and don't know what to say. I'm not sure how much I would go out if I lived on my own. I too struggle at places where people aren't fixed to one place and often leave as soon as I can. I get more depressive and withdrawn than tearful though.
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post #17 of 19 (permalink) Old 08-12-2008, 09:33 AM
 
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Re: Socializing a lot - feeling empty a lot


Me too. Most of our 'friends' are 'couple' or mutual friends, however, my partner does all of the social scheduling with them (usually with the female partners). I wonder if they think its odd that they don't deal with me?

I do often feel like his appendage, even though everyone is freindly enough to me when we go out. One thing I am conscious of doing is that when I have had a few drinks, i go from being this closed private person to spilling out all of my feelings to people then wish I hadn't.

On the rare occasions that 'the girls' go out, I feel the same as you, I lose my crutch and struggle to have my own genuine personality.
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post #18 of 19 (permalink) Old 08-31-2013, 09:10 PM
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It's called introversion. Happens to me a lot.
I feel deminished and not myself when i'm out there in a club or in a party with people i don't really like and i have nothing in common with. I can't believe how society pushes you to like everybody, if you don't, you are anti social and you have issues.
If maybe i had a friend or two and go out with them to those events, i wouldn't feel so bad, even if we just sat in a corner minding our own business nd talking about stuff only we knew/understand. I hate peer pressure and it seems as if being an introvert means being "weird2.
It is not.

I swear to you gentlemen, that to be overly conscious is a sickness, a real, thorough sickness.

- Fyodor Dostoevsky Notes From The Underground

"Its noble to be timid, illustrious to fail to act, sublime to be inept at living....

- Fernando Pessoa The Book Of Disquiet

"Praying for the wave to come now
It must be for the very last time
It's twelve o'clock till midnight
There must be someone to blame..."

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post #19 of 19 (permalink) Old 08-31-2013, 09:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa View Post
Empty and exhausted. I don't really recognise myself sometimes. It's not that it's all good now but I make an effort and meet up with people a few times a week.

I don't feel comfortable. Does that come after a while?
I thought people would fill the hole in my life and the hole in me but they don't.

When I started coming to this board (ages ago) I once saw a thread about this topic. Anyone around now go through similar things? Or is already beyond it?
Do you enjoy the meetups? Does it make you feel like you've done something good for yourself? Ya know, I almost think there is always a "grass-is-always-greener" moment, no matter what you're doing in life. I'm not sure on that, because I only have my own thoughts to rely upon. hehe I'm guessing that you're not entirely sure about what you're missing in life. That's a tough one. Anyway, yes...when I was into socializing ALL THE TIME...and I'd go out every weekend...it wasn't for me. HOWEVER, I assume that the company I was keeping was not for me. Maybe you're looking for a different type of person with whom to spend time. ???
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