Yes I would like to go back and live life differently, I can only do that if I am conscious. It seems if we're not conscious then we repeat the same thing over and over. I would talk, join in classroom participation, I'd have many friends, and meet all my milestones in the desired time. I'd love to go back to high school, it was so nice, I could have done it differently. Eh maybe in another life, I would be your girl, um Katy Perry, wow she's with Orlando Bloom! No way, what a elf stealer, ah such a nice elf, oh wow I had a crush on him, oops.
Yeah I would do it differently, that is life, life is lived forwards but understood backwards. I see the world upsidedown but in my brain it's rightsideup. There's so many paradoxes and counterintuitive innate intuitions, it's confusing really. So many people think their puzzle will fit into another person like falling in love, but it doesn't. Sometimes it does, if you believe in it, it's not rare, it's just people don't want to believe in it anymore.
I would still keep to myself like an introvert but I would definitely talk more, take more chances, risk my life more, ask to go to parties, be there for someone who is shy or depressed. Anyway I don't feel so bad about what happened, but if there was a chance I would do more than I did when I was definitely not conscious and just going through the motions of under 30 years old. I guess we are supposed to be unaware of ourselves in those years? Maybe it's a survival mechanism in most poeple.
Most people wake up earlier, like my sister, or maybe she's just different than me. Others like me with social anxiety seem to wake up earlier as well, like they're having great lives at 20 and here I am 10 years later and now I feel like I am having a great life. That doesn't matter really, what really matters is life experience, you need to experience life in order for you brain neurons to connect, make sense of yourself and others in the world, and move on, that's how you make progress in life.
Of course if we avoid life, there's not much if any progress, there's delayed milestones, and we are left with feeling shame and what others think of us for being different than they are. If only we could understand ourselves and the brain and not give up on ourselves for the sake of the whole world. The whole world that's living life or have better lives is just because there's nothing in their way to hold them back from experiencing life and making connections in their brain neurons and making progress in their lives and moving on.
I'm not ashamed, I won't do it to myself any longer. We should own what happened to us, take responsibility for what we chose during certain social anxiety times, accept ourselves for who we are, lay our past to rest, and move on. But I want to keep good times in my past, those were good times, I don't want to feel bad and hate myself for having social anxiety, it was a good life, it was a good perspective on life, I would choose this life over a normal life, 100 percent a curse and a blessing.