Promising life and opportunities undone by SA
I just joined today.
I am 35 and currently unemployed/running my business and single(mostly out of choice)
Yes I suffer from SA but I never really realized it until much later
You see I come from a society where it is considered humiliating to suggest that you have a problem of this nature
I am the youngest and only male of 3 children with two older sisters. My dad during my formative years was usually absent and was raised by my mother and two sisters in a very protective and yet domineering environment.My mother really had no love for me ,nor hate either. She was simply too tired I suppose as she is low energy individual who spends too much time in bed(not good)
Both my sisters were tyrants who made me play in their girlish games and constant effeminizing was going on.
On top of this I was routinely beaten and mocked in school for having a funny name,its not even an unusual first name but the name of a fruit.
This went on thirteen years when they changed the name to something more acceptable(though still something I dont like) and sisters moved away to college.
Even though I was at home my mother spend more time obsessing over my faraway sisters and often forbade me from enjoying life too much as they had a spartan lifestyle in their dorms.
My father tried halfheartedly to take interest in my well being but he was on autopilot as my sisters were his priority as well.
Please note I wasn't treated really poorly or beaten or anything like that.I was fed and clothed well and parents spent a great deal on my education.
They didnt think too highly however of my hanging out with friends and thought my life would be better spend studying indoors.
And what is infuriating is that they had the audacity to praise my sisters for their social skills and chastise me for lack thereof
I grew up believing I didnt deserve to have friends or no one would want anything to do with me
I started over eating as food was my drug of choice rather than say alcohol or narcotics.
From my teenage years to this day , I keep see sawing between different weights between heavy to moderate as I do have some inbuilt balancing mechanism which prevents me from becoming obese.
I have some good qualities- I am good looking, intelligent and diligent when given a task.
But what use are good looks when you are so terrified of rejection that when beautiful women invite you to their bedroom or hotel room at night you do nothing(happened to me). When they speak to you, you smile politely and dash for the exit
What use is intelligence when you are so terrified of failure that you dont crack open your books?
What is use are smarts that you dont accomplish the task at hand but just do enough at the last minute to keep your job?
All my friends are married and settled down and I am single and drowning in debt incurred from my business
Again I am blessed with much that is needed to succeed in life but am constantly wrecked by self doubt and fears of failure which become a self fulfilling prophecy.
What can I do to improve my situation? Can a psychiatrist help?
Thank you much