No interest in materialism, very apathetic
I've never really had any dreams or goals or ambition. During college or high school I never thought about the future, other people my age did, they made plans, I didn't care.
I went to school because everybody did it, that's life, you go to school and then you work. I've never been much of a creative thinker, I just go with the flow, I'm pretty much like a jellyfish, I got no aim.
So I never made choices. My parents send me to school as a kid, I did just about enough to get through it, Then everybody went to college, so did I because my parents said it would be easier to make a living. But I never thought about it, I picked a course just because I knew 3 other guys in that course. I never was able to grasp the importance of it all and then eventually you graduate in something I never cared for.
From this point on you on your own, I wasn't ready for it, I knew nothing and I still had no ambition or ideas of what I wanted in life.
Before all this my parents made decisions, suddenly it was my turn to contact companies, buy stuff on my own. Do this, do that. I was overwhelmed and I still am.
So here I am after 10 plus years I still live the life of a college student, I'm at home doing nothing of substance, I can't even cook or wash clothes and it's so so hard to try to change, to find purpose. How can I find something I can get passionate about? I don't think it exists for me. I was apathetic as a little kid and I still am. It's the way nature decided I was going to be.
The problem is you just don't fit in with this kind of living, you're weird, people talk about you, it all makes me very SA, it's never been as bad as it is now. Is there an alternative way of living, is there a place where I do feel less like an outcast? Maybe I should live in a forest from nature but obviously I wouldn't last a week without dying
Naturally I could try to care for something (I tried before), find a job (as hard as it is my age without experience) but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be happy (I wasn't happy going to school either). I'd have to do a boring job with colleagues I probably won't care for (I'm such a loner) and what would I do with the money apart from paying rent...
So what to do in life when I find it all pointless? I had hoped for a long time time would provide an answer but it never has. I feel just fine on my own but the moment I am in public I feel weird because I know there is not a single soul out there that thinks the way I do and I'm very embarrassed when people find out my way of living.
Sorry for another long post, I understand most people don't read all this but I always need so many words to try to make myself clear.
Thanks for reading