Negative mind reading - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-16-2009, 01:06 AM Thread Starter
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Negative mind reading


Does anyone else have a problem with this?

Itís really causing some huge problems in my relationship with my friend. I have a major problem thinking negative things about him and then projecting those thoughts on to him. During fights I have a tendency to twist certain things he says to mean the worst possible things and Iíve often said them to him. Obviously it really pisses him off that I always seem to Ďthinkí and Ďspeakí for him, and what I say that I think heís thinking is always the worst possible case scenario. For instance he said that something I said sounded as if I was thinking about committing suicide. My response to that was, No Iím not going to commit suicide, but that isnít something you should even care about. Meaning that since I had already assumed that he was going to cut all contact with me, I felt if he didnít want to be my friend anymore, then why the hell should he even care anymore if I died?

Anyway itís gotten so bad that he has said that if I donít change this attitude of thinking negatively about everyone and continue to project my negative thoughts on him and Ďspeakí and Ďthinkí for him, that he will cut all contact with me and end the friendship. This is harsh, but I understand how much it frustrates and hurts him that I make him out to be this heartless villain in my mind sometimes when that isnít who he is. He says I donít give him the benefit of the doubt ever. If I see him tomorrow or the next day, Iím kind of scared to talk to him now because I donít trust the things that I will say.

Does anyone else constantly think the worst about everybody? And does anyone have any advice on how I can help myself not do this anymore. I really donít want to lose my friend, I already feel so awful as it is knowing that Iím screwing up a good thing here because I donít know how to act with a person Iím close to. All these negative and hateful feelings about myself inside me just seem to cloud my judgment about people, and so I demonize them to be these horrible people that are out to hurt and use me. I really do need help. I will talk to my therapist about this on Tuesday, but please if anybody has any advice I would greatly appreciate it.
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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-16-2009, 04:04 AM
 
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Yea I think and expect people might be negative all the time. But mine isn't irrational and is based on what actually tends to happen.

A good portion of the people I try talking to are rude. Everytime I try to convince myself this isn't the case, it just happens again! At some point I think we have to admit it's not just all in our heads. There are reasons why we feel this way and those reasons need to be addressed as well as our letting it affect us too much. Someone needs to stand up and say it's NOT OK to be rude. Being a girl that's probably hard to understand though because most people won't be rude to a girl yet have no problem being rude to a guy.

As for your situation, a real friend is supportive and doesnt lay out ultimatums and try to force you to act a certain way. I think what he's doing is kind of bogus
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-16-2009, 05:13 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iwannabecoolplzhelp View Post
As for your situation, a real friend is supportive and doesnt lay out ultimatums and try to force you to act a certain way. I think what he's doing is kind of bogus
Thank you for the reply. The thing is though that I've done this alot to him. I don't know how long a real friend can be supportive though when everything they say is mostly twisted to mean something bad. I'm sure it's alot of wear and tear on him for me to always be thinking and telling him what I think he's thinking when I couldn't be more wrong about it.
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-16-2009, 05:19 AM
 
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I dnno basically noone is ever supportive to me so I just expect people to be jerks anymore
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-16-2009, 06:04 AM
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I'm definitely guilty of doing this quite alot. I tend to often imagine the worst when it comes to what other people think of me. I tend to take certain things alot more personally than I should (often thinking I see signs that others are rejecting me, or just don't think I'm worth their time etc when it's not there) which can lead to me thinking the worst of others. Or at times, imagining what I feel others are thinking about me to the point I feel really sure that it must be a very likely fact - though logically I know it's an impossible thing. And I've often been proved wrong - either completely or at least to some extent - before.

To a certain degree I've found writing out thought records (a CBT technique) helpful for this. It doesn't always work for me (especially if I'm in a particularly strong negative mood of any kind). But sometimes it can. Basically what I do is write down what my negative thoughts/predictions/suspicions are etc. And then trying to think up realistic alternatives that are less negative. For example, sometimes when people I know take longer than usual to respond to an email I might think/feel something along the lines of "well obviously, they just couldn't be bothered to make the effort." But then it might occur to me that in the past that same person hasn't answered me when they've been busy at work and haven't had time - and that in general they usually do answer me in timely manner. And so I'll write that down and think more on that.

Of course that's a pretty basic example. And as mentioned, I don't find it always works for me. But sometimes it does help. There are a number of CBT self help books out there that offer suggestions for doing these. Let me know if you're interested in knowing more. I'd be more than happy to suggest a few that I've looked at.
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-18-2009, 04:10 PM
 
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what do u do when yer thoughts arent the problem and everyone u meet really is rude and unsupportive though? being a girl i notice at least a few people will always be sorta nice but when you're a guy it's not that simple/. Often the entire room will be rude because girls seem to think its ok to be rude to unpopular guys
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-19-2009, 06:04 AM
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I have advice. Im talking from expereince. You have to stop assuming bad things the other person is thinking and then basing your behaviour according to whats these negative assumtions are. Your friend is going to get confused, then start wondering what kind of mood your going to be in, then feel like they have to walk on egg shells, then they are going to move on without you. You will feel regret for a long time that will eat you up inside and spit you out. Stop assuming negative thoughts and basing everything you say and do with this person on these assumed negative thoughts. Youll be left behind if you dont. What your talking about could of been me writing it two years ago.
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-19-2009, 06:11 AM
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I read your post again and it like dejavu all over again to my own life two years ago. You are going to lose this person. When they said if you dont start giving them the benifit of the doubt and stop thinking negatively about people that they will be gone they mean this from there very core. Good advice is to stop thinking about them while they are not around to stop this cycle your in. It gets worse from here when they leave you behind. Alot worse. I hope you have the strenght to do this. Good luck.
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-26-2010, 10:05 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iwannabecoolplzhelp View Post
yea i think and expect people might be negative all the time. But mine isn't irrational and is based on what actually tends to happen.

A good portion of the people i try talking to are rude. Everytime i try to convince myself this isn't the case, it just happens again! At some point i think we have to admit it's not just all in our heads. There are reasons why we feel this way and those reasons need to be addressed as well as our letting it affect us too much. Someone needs to stand up and say it's not ok to be rude. Being a girl that's probably hard to understand though because most people won't be rude to a girl yet have no problem being rude to a guy.

As for your situation, a real friend is supportive and doesnt lay out ultimatums and try to force you to act a certain way. I think what he's doing is kind of bogus
oh my goodness!! Im dealing with the same exact thing and then when i bring the fact up everyone acts weird about it!!! Its sooo ironic and weird!!! Like they say oh im not thinking about you or reading your thoughts when they act the exact opposite!!! And then they try to make me feel bad about "thinking" bad about them when theyre reading my thoughts!!! And then they have no ****in remorse!!! And then when i say stuff they say "stupid" lol but how ironic is that when your saying that and you suposedly cant read my mind right?? Lol sooo if you can telll me anything that helped you get through this hellish circumstance please let me know!! Thank you!!!..
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