Need some advice - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-09-2019, 11:12 AM Thread Starter
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Need some advice


Hi guys, iv just joined and really in need of some advice.

I have had generalised anxiety since I was around 16 or 17 but in the past year or so social anxiety has became the massive problem; I work in retail and with strangers I am fine, in a structured setting talking to customers or say if I am viewing a house and I know before hand what I need to know then I'm great, talking on the phone is exactly the same, I'm fine.

My issue, and I'm finding this 1 to be a bit more unusual, my anxiety is around family and close friends and it's driving me mad. Has got to the stage that I even have it with my own parents, I just panic in my head, I don't know what to say then I panic because I look stupid; it ridiculous, and I know it is but my head apparently dosent.

My partner is the one person I don't get anxiety around. His family are all very out going and they hate it, this is currently what's upsetting me the most. They are all very outgoing , always out or at party's etc, they invite me but it's always followed a few days later with his mum blowing up telling me I was really rude because I wasn't speaking to anyone , people thought I was giving them filthy looks , I would never do that and that really upsets me.

Long story short his parents and there friends all hate me and keep telling him to get rid of me because I am no good for him. His mum says all sorts of stuff about me behind my back, I hate that they think that of me and I have tried to explain my anxiety to them but it dosent work. My partners parents have now given him 10000 to put as a deposit for a house, as long as my name does not appear on anything , we were just starting to save for a house so I have nothing to contribute to the deposit but I will be paying half of everything once we get the house.

She also says I should sign a contract that she makes staying how much I will be paying every month for me to sign, am I being unreasonable to think this is completly mad? She thinks I am going to run off with all his money once we live together which just shows she obviously dosent know me

I just don't know what to do anymore I have started taking Mitrazapine and propranalol to try and control but time will tell if they work, currently I just feel like crap

Any advice on any of that would be so very much appreciated, I'm a bit lost with it all at the moment.
Thankyou. Becca xxx

Last edited by Silent Memory; 07-09-2019 at 07:55 PM. Reason: I broke the post into paragraphs to make it easier to read.
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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-09-2019, 12:12 PM
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I'm sorry that you are being treated this way, especially when you have confided in his family about your anxiety which is a really brave thing to do.

What does your partner say about all of this?

"Sometimes I wish I wasn't as conscious as I am. It would be so much easier."
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-09-2019, 12:16 PM Thread Starter
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Thanks for replying 😊 he is very upset by it and tells his mum this but he dosent really stand upto her as much as he probably should 😕
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-09-2019, 12:35 PM
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I too struggle anxiety wise more with people I know. I'm fine with immediate family but with extended family I am very awkward. I have always been this way.

I have tried for too long to change myself for the sake of others and I can (for the most part) let negative comments go over my head. I will never feel comfortable at partys etc... so I don't go to them. People I value in my life understand me and why I act odd sometimes, some people think I'm weird. I have few friends but the ones I do have are very special people.

I think you need to have a lengthy discussion with your partner regarding the future. Could you save for a deposit yourselves? Do you have to put yourself in uncomfortable situations with his family?

"Sometimes I wish I wasn't as conscious as I am. It would be so much easier."
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-09-2019, 12:41 PM
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As far as I remember when we bought our house the solicitor drew a up a contract dealing with how everything should be divided if we split up. Im sure you could write in it that the first 10000 is your partners and anything else is 50/50. I don't know your situation but I have known a few people who have split up and honestly wished they had had a contract to protect themselves. I know its hard but in this case I would say his mum is being sensible.

"Sometimes I wish I wasn't as conscious as I am. It would be so much easier."
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-09-2019, 01:08 PM Thread Starter
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Thanks for reply, Unfortunatly that's not how she means it, the contract is to say I will be paying x amount a month toward bills, that way I would be entitle to nothing as the contract would say i do not contribute to the mortgage , my name cannot be on the mortgage so i would get nothing 🙈🙈🙈
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-09-2019, 01:10 PM Thread Starter
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We could save for a deposit but he is concerned it would take years, which it would , and we will be wasting money on rent but I would be far more comfortable if it was ours
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-09-2019, 02:14 PM
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Would you be contributing 50/50 to all living costs including mortgage? If so then you should be on any contract. Maybe you need to really consider saying no to the money, it sounds like it might be a way to control your partners life and you would keep being reminded of it by his parents. Renting really isn't that bad, trust me. Not having huge repair bills is something I miss. Just had to pay 2000 for new boiler and 1500 not long ago to fix a leaky roof! That's something else to consider if you do take the money. Make it clear you will not be contributing to any work that needs doing on the house if you are not named as an owner.

"Sometimes I wish I wasn't as conscious as I am. It would be so much easier."
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-09-2019, 02:21 PM Thread Starter
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Yes it would be a straight 50/50 but as they are giving 10k they say my name isn't to be on the mortgage, in 1 way I feel I can't argue because they are giving 10k to start but the house costs 165k so over time we will pay back between us 155k which is a lot more than 10 🙈
I really don't know what to do, I have tried to tell my partner renting is ok, my family have always rented but his parents have drummed into him that it is dead money and need to buy
Before they came up with this money out plan was to rent for 4 or 5 years to save then buy which in my eyes would be easier, but then I sound ungrateful 😖
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-09-2019, 02:35 PM
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Considering you can't win the battle with his family you should really try to convince your boyfriend that he should follow his feelings and not his parents feelings. Anyway good luck because it looks like they will try to meddle with your affairs , you need your boyfriend to make a choice.
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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-09-2019, 02:38 PM
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You need to stick to your guns here. Like I said, I'm sure the solicitors can add it into the contract about the 10000. But to say you would not be entitled to be an owner is wrong if you are paying half the mortgage. I really would not agree to paying anything towards the house if you are not named in the contract. I know its hard but don't let them force you into this.

"Sometimes I wish I wasn't as conscious as I am. It would be so much easier."
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-09-2019, 03:09 PM
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Could you write them a letter or an email better explaining your intentions and how the anxiety makes you seem like a bad person that you are not. It looks like they just don't get it or don't care. If its the latter, the mother is going to use the 10k to control you both.
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-09-2019, 04:49 PM
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if you pay some of the deposit then you own equity in the house. if he borrows money from you to put a deposit on a house then you might want that in writing or something. a loan.

his mum sounds like a *****. your relationship is between the 2 of you. **** the family. maybe you have to endure their bull**** now and then but you dont have to take them seriously.

"I take what is mine. I pay the iron price."
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