Need advice from Guys, part 2. Really bad feeling need help ASAP! - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-02-2011, 07:24 PM Thread Starter
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Need advice from Guys, part 2. Really bad feeling need help ASAP!


Before you read below, please read my first post in this thread- http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/...m-guys-116799/

Ok so assuming you read my first post, here;s an update. Long read, but I havent been this upset about my life in many years.

Things have taken a turn for the worst and I am VERY upset right now.

I was talking to my Sister about how i'm going to hang out with the guys. She knows all of my bro in laws friends/family. I was saying "yeah were just going to go for an hour or two, eat at the bar, and play some games".
She was like "that's not what there going to do." They ALL will be drinking at the bar getting drunk and they are not playing any games, they will be there for mabye 3 or 4 hours to sober up before leaving, and my bro in laws best friend gets really loud and crazy drunk and if nobody is drinking he buys them a drink and tells them to drink.They do this once in a while, she has been to this before (she drinks though). It is for wedding party guys only this time, but normally all these guys are who my bro in law hangs with. They are ok sober, but act really "macho" when drunk.
My Sister suggested I call Tuesday and say i'm sick and cant make it, she said they are not the type of guys I would be comfortable around, but that was always the excuse I made for not going, and I feel like a coward.

I dont know if any of you know, but I do NOT drink any alchohol of any kind. If i'm drinking anything but a beer or something I will be the odd man out and i'm nervous that guy will really bug me to drink, i've seen him drunk and he totally changes who he is and acts nuts. (they all drink, so except for me that would be a GOOD thing having him buy a drink for them)

I did not know any of this when I said Yes to going. I was planning on having a quick dinner, and then play games for the rest of the night, but this is not the case. My brother in law does not know I talked to my Sister about this, and she told me not to tell him where I found out about the party.
So if my brother in law knows I am shy and doesnt drink, why did he invite me to this in the first place, or at least why not mention we will be drinking, are you ok being there?

I feel like the worst guy on earth right now. I REALLY wanted to go and be with guys my own age and be normal, to finally hang out and have fun. But, the "fun" they are having is NOT the fun I am comfortable to have, I will be bored sitting for 3 or 4 hours, nervous, and feel really pressured to drink, and leaving to play games when they are all sitting down is rude and being the youngest playing games when they are all hanging out chillin and the bar seems immature on my part. I cant just get up and leave, and if things got bad my Dad would have to pick me up cause my BIL is drinking and wont be able to drive for a while, how embarassing, my dad pick me up from a night with the guys.

If I had a guy friend, I would have just asked to bring him and explained to my BIL that I would be more comfortable if he came, i'm sure he would allow me, so that way I would not feel akward and be alone, and if I felt nervous I could just go home with him and not look weird. I would have went then. I have 0 friends to invite though.

I was thinking, to offer to go to Dave & Busters with my BIL, just us 2 one night (no drinking), and just go and have an appetizer or just play games for an hour or two, my treat, to make up for if I dont go to this. At least then I can say I did something with him for once and made an effort. But I still wont be hanging out with a normal group of guys, my BIL will always accept me for who I am cause were going to be related. I really want acceptance from strangers my age.

I dont know what to do, I dont feel like a normal guy now, and this felt like my last chance to be accepted by guys not related. Here is a list of pro's and cons for going.

Pro's in going- Hanging out with guys my age, dinner, doing something actually, being there for my BIL, showing I am not a coward with everything, mabye they would think i'm cool and want to be friends with me after hanging out with them, making friends since they are popular guys and have a lot of other friends/lady friends my age,
impressing a girl I know and have a crush on who is VERY close to these guys and likes to drink (even if I didnt drink), being invited out more if they had fun with me there and ask for me.

Con's in going-Possibly being very bored doing nothing for 4 hours, being pressured to drink beer when i dont want to and I might get upset, being extremely out of my comfort zone and getting so nervous I have to call my dad to pick me up and lose all dignity I had left in me in front of all the guys, being teased by most of the guys for not being like a man and feeling worse than ever, being a tag along and ruining the whole outing by not fitting in, making it obvious I have SA when nobody except my BIL even thinks I have it (yes, I have spoken to these people before and they think I work and have a gf and am normal)

Cons in not going- possibly dissapointing my BIL if he doesnt understand my reason, losing all self respect for myself as a person, never having a normal life as after this nobody will ever invite me out, never being one of the guys like I am supposed to be and having a chance at making guy friends, showing a girl I really care about i'm not a "real" guy and that i'm a chicken and I never do anything bold and she might not accept me when I really want to impress her by doing something bold, letting my SA/personality ruin my life again, being alone all the time cause I never go out anywhere.

HELP! What do I do, I have to tell my brother in law, I have to call him before this get together!
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post #2 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-02-2011, 08:35 PM
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I definitely think you should go. The worst case scenario is that you are bored for 4 hours or so. No big deal, it will be over before you know it. I think you will feel worse if you don't go because you will keep thinking that you missed an opportunity, and you will be wondering about them thinking you are a coward, etc. Plus it will give you a chance to see that hanging out with people isn't as scary as you think. They won't think of you as a fifth wheel or anything because you are the bride's brother and you have more of a right to be there than anyone. And they won't tease you or anything for not being a man, as you say. We tend to come up with all kinds of catastrophic thoughts like this, which are rarely true. So just concentrate on being relaxed and having a good time, whatever they plan to do. Everything will be fine.
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post #3 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-02-2011, 09:03 PM Thread Starter
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I'm still really unsure about this.

What if one of the guys persists in wanting me to drink and I say no, or things seem to get out of hand and I get really anxious? Walking around wont help because I will eventually have to go back to the bar. If that happens, you think it would then be ok for me to call my dad to pick me up, as much as it;s embarassing, the guys probably wont remember it and I would just tell my brother in law why i'm going only, mabye he could cover for me? It would be better than staying there stressed out if it happened.

And now that it might be really long, and i'm horrible at conversations, what would I do then?
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post #4 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-02-2011, 09:24 PM
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I'm still really unsure about this.

What if one of the guys persists in wanting me to drink and I say no, or things seem to get out of hand and I get really anxious? Walking around wont help because I will eventually have to go back to the bar. If that happens, you think it would then be ok for me to call my dad to pick me up, as much as it;s embarassing, the guys probably wont remember it and I would just tell my brother in law why i'm going only, mabye he could cover for me? It would be better than staying there stressed out if it happened.

And now that it might be really long, and i'm horrible at conversations, what would I do then?
My advice would be not to think about any of this at all. Do whatever you feel like when the situation comes up. Maybe when you get into the situation you will be okay with having a beer or two. Or maybe you'll just have a coke or something. But either way, don't think about it beforehand. It won't help you when you are actually in the situation, and you'll just stress yourself out and make the situation scarier in your mind. And once you get there and are with all of them, someone will definitely talk to you, at least some of the time. You won't be stressed the whole time as you will settle into a kind of 'routine' of sitting and listening to people. Also, I don't see any problem with you calling your dad later on.
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post #5 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-02-2011, 09:28 PM
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I guess one thing to keep in mind is that this night is for your BIL. Do you think he'd have more fun with you there even if you don't enjoy yourself or without you there if it meant he didn't feel pressured to keep you from getting too anxious? I, personally, think you should do what you feel most comfortable doing for yourself in the long run. As someone with SA, I'm not sure jumping into a huge party head first is going to be the healthiest thing.

That said, maybe you're like me and you loosen up with a bit of liquor in you. I don't know you, so I'll leave that judgment up to you.

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post #6 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-02-2011, 10:01 PM
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When you have SA everything seems like a challenge that you have to force yourself to overcome, but sometimes its also about making good vs bad choices. Do you want to be part of their group and be like them? If that is the kind of life you want to live, I guess you should go for it. If you value other things and that isn't your crowd, don't.
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post #7 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-02-2011, 10:14 PM
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You don't have to go.

Personally, I'd be truthful with them about why.. I'm REALLY not into the bar and drinking scene, end of story. If someone doesn't accept that, too bad for them.

I've been to those kinds of, uh, get-togethers before... not the best place to be for an introverted, sober SAer~

Good luck with this. I know how stressful it gets.


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post #8 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-03-2011, 01:17 AM
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What about the pros of not going?
I'm not a drinker either and basically all my extended family are. They thought it was a bit strange at first but I explained to them that I really don't like the taste of alcohol, much like some people hate the taste of certain foods, and they deal with it.
Personally though, I like your idea of going out fir a calmer night with your brother-in-law. It seems to me that his friends aren't exactly the kind of people you'd want to be friends with anyway, so I don't see a problem with not going.
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post #9 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-03-2011, 07:45 AM
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What if....? What if....? What if....? What if.....? What if sixteen pink elephants come down and dance and you've no idea what to do? What if George W Bush turns up and tries to explain the Iraq War? What if...? What if...? What if...? Is that how you're gonna live your life? By constantly thinking about the what ifs?

Sometimes, you don't know what's gonna happen if you do something. But that's normal life. We're not psychic. You could go out and have a lot of fun and surprise yourself or you could come back and think "nah, not really for me" but still feel good that you overcame fear and challenged yourself. Nowhere on any earth is this thing gonna kill ya so why act as if could?

If you feel uncomfortable in a situation, you get out of it. If you don't want to do something, you say "No". You stand up for yourself by going if you want to and you stand up for yourself by trying out new things and seeing what happens. It's how people move forward in their lives.

If you really don't want to go, fine.

If you do but you're scared of what could happen if this, that or the other thing happens...well, that's normal life. We all get that. Question is, which is worse: regret at stagnating and not moving forward or going out, seeing if you enjoy yourself and then moving on with your life knowing you actually can get over fear and do things you want to do? Your call.
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post #10 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-03-2011, 08:45 AM
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I'd say go and have a couple of drinks even though you don't drink just as a way to be polite. Just sip on the drinks really slow and if anybody bothers you about drinking slow just tell them you have to be up really early the next day. It also tends to loosen up people with SA. And also, there's still hope that you might get to play games with them but I'd probably wait until they were pretty drunk to ask them if any of them would like to go play. Dave and Buster's also have a pool table so at least you could get someone to play pool with you as that's more of a "manly" game.
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post #11 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-03-2011, 09:31 AM Thread Starter
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Lol @ pool because I actually suck at it, badly, then again if their drunk they'll probably be equally bad.
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post #12 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-03-2011, 09:41 AM
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Just say you don't drink. I drink but its not big deal if somebody at a party isn't, really nobody cares.
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post #13 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-03-2011, 04:07 PM Thread Starter
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I want to call my Brother in law, what should I tell him? I'll have to be honest. I dont want to dismiss going right away, but I also want to make it known that I dont drink and if thats all there going to do I would be uncomfortable.
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post #14 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-03-2011, 09:10 PM Thread Starter
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I got the courage to call my brother in law. I explained how I felt about not bein that comfortable hanging out at the bar the entire time. He said although they will be drinking, they will be taking their drinks to the arcade. Just to be sure in case they decide to have extra drinks, I asked my brother in law if he minded I hang out in the arcade, he said that is fine.

I will be going. In the end I decided I have to try, at least than I can say I did it, if I don't want to again at least I did it. Mabye I will really have fun and enjoy myself, I hope I do it will open a whole new door in my life.
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post #15 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-03-2011, 09:45 PM
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If people expect you to go, go... but don't take any **** about not drinking.

You have choices to make... It sounds like the choices you WANT to make are to go and to not drink. That's all you gotta do.

If someone gives you a drink, tell them politely that you don't drink. If they get pushy about it, tell them more firmly that you don't drink. That's the end of it.

There's nothing to worry about as long as you trust yourself.
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post #16 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-03-2011, 09:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by keithp View Post
Before you read below, please read my first post in this thread- http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/...m-guys-116799/

Ok so assuming you read my first post, here;s an update. Long read, but I havent been this upset about my life in many years.

Things have taken a turn for the worst and I am VERY upset right now.

I was talking to my Sister about how i'm going to hang out with the guys. She knows all of my bro in laws friends/family. I was saying "yeah were just going to go for an hour or two, eat at the bar, and play some games".
She was like "that's not what there going to do." They ALL will be drinking at the bar getting drunk and they are not playing any games, they will be there for mabye 3 or 4 hours to sober up before leaving, and my bro in laws best friend gets really loud and crazy drunk and if nobody is drinking he buys them a drink and tells them to drink.They do this once in a while, she has been to this before (she drinks though). It is for wedding party guys only this time, but normally all these guys are who my bro in law hangs with. They are ok sober, but act really "macho" when drunk.
My Sister suggested I call Tuesday and say i'm sick and cant make it, she said they are not the type of guys I would be comfortable around, but that was always the excuse I made for not going, and I feel like a coward.

I dont know if any of you know, but I do NOT drink any alchohol of any kind. If i'm drinking anything but a beer or something I will be the odd man out and i'm nervous that guy will really bug me to drink, i've seen him drunk and he totally changes who he is and acts nuts. (they all drink, so except for me that would be a GOOD thing having him buy a drink for them)

I did not know any of this when I said Yes to going. I was planning on having a quick dinner, and then play games for the rest of the night, but this is not the case. My brother in law does not know I talked to my Sister about this, and she told me not to tell him where I found out about the party.
So if my brother in law knows I am shy and doesnt drink, why did he invite me to this in the first place, or at least why not mention we will be drinking, are you ok being there?

I feel like the worst guy on earth right now. I REALLY wanted to go and be with guys my own age and be normal, to finally hang out and have fun. But, the "fun" they are having is NOT the fun I am comfortable to have, I will be bored sitting for 3 or 4 hours, nervous, and feel really pressured to drink, and leaving to play games when they are all sitting down is rude and being the youngest playing games when they are all hanging out chillin and the bar seems immature on my part. I cant just get up and leave, and if things got bad my Dad would have to pick me up cause my BIL is drinking and wont be able to drive for a while, how embarassing, my dad pick me up from a night with the guys.

If I had a guy friend, I would have just asked to bring him and explained to my BIL that I would be more comfortable if he came, i'm sure he would allow me, so that way I would not feel akward and be alone, and if I felt nervous I could just go home with him and not look weird. I would have went then. I have 0 friends to invite though.

I was thinking, to offer to go to Dave & Busters with my BIL, just us 2 one night (no drinking), and just go and have an appetizer or just play games for an hour or two, my treat, to make up for if I dont go to this. At least then I can say I did something with him for once and made an effort. But I still wont be hanging out with a normal group of guys, my BIL will always accept me for who I am cause were going to be related. I really want acceptance from strangers my age.

I dont know what to do, I dont feel like a normal guy now, and this felt like my last chance to be accepted by guys not related. Here is a list of pro's and cons for going.

Pro's in going- Hanging out with guys my age, dinner, doing something actually, being there for my BIL, showing I am not a coward with everything, mabye they would think i'm cool and want to be friends with me after hanging out with them, making friends since they are popular guys and have a lot of other friends/lady friends my age,
impressing a girl I know and have a crush on who is VERY close to these guys and likes to drink (even if I didnt drink), being invited out more if they had fun with me there and ask for me.

Con's in going-Possibly being very bored doing nothing for 4 hours, being pressured to drink beer when i dont want to and I might get upset, being extremely out of my comfort zone and getting so nervous I have to call my dad to pick me up and lose all dignity I had left in me in front of all the guys, being teased by most of the guys for not being like a man and feeling worse than ever, being a tag along and ruining the whole outing by not fitting in, making it obvious I have SA when nobody except my BIL even thinks I have it (yes, I have spoken to these people before and they think I work and have a gf and am normal)

Cons in not going- possibly dissapointing my BIL if he doesnt understand my reason, losing all self respect for myself as a person, never having a normal life as after this nobody will ever invite me out, never being one of the guys like I am supposed to be and having a chance at making guy friends, showing a girl I really care about i'm not a "real" guy and that i'm a chicken and I never do anything bold and she might not accept me when I really want to impress her by doing something bold, letting my SA/personality ruin my life again, being alone all the time cause I never go out anywhere.

HELP! What do I do, I have to tell my brother in law, I have to call him before this get together!

I often tell myself if there needs to be a debate Then what is comfortable to me is what I do in your case I dont drink alcohol either and I certainly have no desire to be around people that do when they're doing it! I dont mind the sober drunks But as it stands only I can allow someone to pressurize me and only I will suffer the consequences of it so if your not comfortable with it and have to debate stick to what is comfortable to you instead you'll be happier and wont regret anything serious.

Don't spread false information that's also bordering, on doseage advice.

Have a working healthy relationship with your doctor.

Major depressive disorder
Bi-Polar Disorder
Social Anxiety
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post #17 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-03-2011, 09:53 PM
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PS you cannot allow yourself to be responsible for anothers feelings or base decisions on others feelings how do you feel about you?

Don't spread false information that's also bordering, on doseage advice.

Have a working healthy relationship with your doctor.

Major depressive disorder
Bi-Polar Disorder
Social Anxiety
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post #18 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-04-2011, 08:27 AM Thread Starter
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Thanks for all the words of wisdom. I pretty much know what to do while I'm there, and Im going to try and be more social and relax and see how it goes for me, being this is a new experience for me. I'll let you know how it went when I go next week.
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