My experience with love shyness - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-15-2011, 05:08 PM Thread Starter
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My experience with love shyness


Hi everybody,

I`m fairly new here but love shyness is for certain my biggest obstacle at this point in time. I would like to share some of my love shy story with the hope that any could shed some insight into this crippling issueI`m a male)

My issues:
-Trouble approaching those I`m attracted to.
-Don`t have the balls to ask them out.
-Getting a obsessive like crush on any girl that is friendly and personable towards you.
-Staring compulsively^
-Stalkish like behaviours

I haven`t recieved much attention from the opposite sex ever and I tend to equate that with being unattractive.
so.......-poor body image to a certain point as well and calling myself derogatory names.

The staring is by far the most concerning issue, I do it all the time.
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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-15-2011, 05:52 PM
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go ahead.
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-15-2011, 06:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Quietkid View Post
Hi everybody,

I`m fairly new here but love shyness is for certain my biggest obstacle at this point in time. I would like to share some of my love shy story with the hope that any could shed some insight into this crippling issueI`m a male)

My issues:
-Trouble approaching those I`m attracted to.
-Don`t have the balls to ask them out.
-Getting a obsessive like crush on any girl that is friendly and personable towards you.
-Staring compulsively^
-Stalkish like behaviours

I haven`t recieved much attention from the opposite sex ever and I tend to equate that with being unattractive.
so.......-poor body image to a certain point as well and calling myself derogatory names.

The staring is by far the most concerning issue, I do it all the time.
Trouble approaching those I'm attracted to....

This affects perhaps over 50% of the population. You need to see them differently instead of how you seem them now. Most probably as really special in some way

Don't have the balls to ask them out...

just asking out strangers is always awkward and difficult for most people. You need to go to places where the atmosphere allows the expectation to be asked out like clubs. Get drunk or go rolling. Introductions through friends always makes things seem less awkward.

Fawning over girls who show slight interest or just talks to you....

common experience among people who want something badly or are deep down addicted to approval. I used to get crushes on girls who would show up late to school and get in trouble if I also showed up late and got in trouble lol.

staring compulsively.....

Do you stare at them when they can see you or only when you think they can't? When I was at school, I wouldn't dare stare at any girl lest someone see me, or even worse the girl I find girls have a habit of staring at guys they find hot. They will just stare and stare. I think it's just the physical attraction and lack of ability to do anything else that can make people stare and stare and stare.

stalkish like behaviours....

How do you stalk? Do you follow them around obviously or do it in subtle ways? Are you still in school? I sometimes stalked but was very, very sly and nobody knew what the hell I was doing since I always had a legit excuse as to why I was at that place.

little attention from opposite sex...

completely the opposite from my past situation. But because sa got in the way, I still ended up with nothing.

calling yourself names and a poor body image....

you must work on these issues to see improvement in confidence.

When you feel vulnerable and your psychological defenses are failing the best defense mechanism is to be more trusting.
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-15-2011, 06:10 PM Thread Starter
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-15-2011, 06:12 PM Thread Starter
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This is exactly what i`m talking about ^
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-15-2011, 06:28 PM
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This is exactly what i`m talking about ^

I read Gilmartin's book around 10 times. Love-shyness is just another form of social anxiety that relates more specifically to the opposite sex and the approach. Gilmartin just defined it as a guy who cannot assert himself around the opposite sex because of anxiety.

Try practice dating
Try a nude jacuzzi experience.... you'll be giggling and laughing with the others in no time
Try a sexual surrogate
Now that the internet is available, internet dating takes out the face-to-face approach anxiety equation.

I criticize Gilmartin because he wraps love-shyness tightly up and says no other therapy but practice dating can help a love-shy man which is a croc of ****.

Cognitive behavioural therapy can help a long way, but more if the chick gives you an invitation to come over but you feel too shy to go over.

You need to sit down and ask yourself just exactly what you are afraid of. Are you afraid the girl will say no to you and you'll walk away feeling humiliated? Are you afraid that the approach will expose the fact that you have needs and feelings and this makes the approach feel embarrassing and you'll feel self-conscious? Are you afraid you'll mess your words up or having little to say and then feel awkward? There are so many powerful reasons behind your anxiety, you just need to bring them into awareness and challenge them for their ludicrosy.

I am love-shy and will get very self-conscious and shy with girls, particularly if they are cute and pretty, but this is where I deviate; if they are attracted to me I'll get mega shy of them and if other people are around this will make my shyness shoot to the sky. Plus I'm too ashamed to show my human feelings. Gilmartin's men, most had been on dates. I wouldn't dare go on a date, not even once because then it exposes the fact that I am a human with feelings and needs.

I'll tell you one experience that cleared up all my love-shyness was crying. Would ya believe it. All my anxiety and inhibition cleared up overnight after a good 15 minute guilt cry. Maybe you should cry your eyes out. Though it came back 2 weeks later since my old personality took over again.

When you feel vulnerable and your psychological defenses are failing the best defense mechanism is to be more trusting.
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-16-2011, 03:43 PM
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I relate to the obsessive crush bit:P
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-16-2011, 04:25 PM
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well this is me down to a T aswell... there has to be a way of beating it... the only one is to face fears but with this being the biggest fear of them all, it always results in the flight response for me
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-16-2011, 04:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Quietkid View Post
Hi everybody,

I`m fairly new here but love shyness is for certain my biggest obstacle at this point in time. I would like to share some of my love shy story with the hope that any could shed some insight into this crippling issueI`m a male)

My issues:
-Trouble approaching those I`m attracted to.
-Don`t have the balls to ask them out.
-Getting a obsessive like crush on any girl that is friendly and personable towards you.
-Staring compulsively^
-Stalkish like behaviours

I haven`t recieved much attention from the opposite sex ever and I tend to equate that with being unattractive.
so.......-poor body image to a certain point as well and calling myself derogatory names.

The staring is by far the most concerning issue, I do it all the time.
I was the same way back in high school. I still think about her, Creepy right?

When you're miserable, you need to make someone even more miserable than yourself.
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-16-2011, 05:56 PM
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If you really like the girl just ask her out even if you do get rejected it will only boost your confidence, who know's maybe she will say yes
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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-16-2011, 07:18 PM
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im still attempting to break through the barrier of actually opening my mouth and letting words come out when im in her company LOL
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-18-2011, 04:05 AM
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who know's maybe she will say yes
For someone with sa, this could be even more anxiety provoking because of the upcoming date.

When you feel vulnerable and your psychological defenses are failing the best defense mechanism is to be more trusting.
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-18-2011, 04:37 AM
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Oh yeah, when you have love interest in someone approaching sucks bad. Only way of comforting myself was going into it with an open mind. No expectations, just let things happen and see what comes out of it. You can't be shot down for just making a chat, now can you?
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