My biggest problem... I think - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-07-2009, 07:52 AM Thread Starter
 
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My biggest problem... I think


I am not and never have been in a serious relationship and I'll be 22 this march.(sitll a virgin)

Have made out with a few girls here and there(at parties, when I'm drunk=not anxious) but thats about it and that not what I'm looking for.

I would love to date, but how does on with SA go about this? I've seen like 2 dating sites for shy people but lets be realistic, being shy ISN'T SA.
This is all kind of eating at me now because just the other day my buddy who is very close to me and has somewhat of an idea of what I have asked me to go on a double date with a girl he was seeing and her friend.

Now the girl I was going to meet had already seen pics of me on my buddies phone and was interested, and I saw pics of her and was DEFINITLY interested. But, I know how it would go down had I gone and of course I refused.

Just the idea of going on a blind date alone would have been looming over me and I would have froze up, gone mute, or even worse: the dreadful blush, wide-wandering eyes... all that stuff.

I was in a small relationship when I was 16 that didn't last very long with a firl I had been friends with since I was 12. When she FINALLY made the move on me(because I was too insecure to initiate)what I thought would be easy was not. And my insecurities led me to as walys, drink to get through it easier. This type of behaivior didn't rub her the right way(rightfully so) and she pretty much broke it up.

But I remember feeling much more confident during the short time I was with her in the rest of my daily life, but being with her and all my other friends as bf/gf(if I could even call it that) actually stressed me out more and probobly made her believe I wasn't the person she thought she knew when we were just friends. Thats not true of course, what it boils down to is that I should have told her about my issues, and she most liekly would have tried to help me through them.

END RANT

Anyways, even if I did go on this double date and somehow managed NOT to make a fool out of myself, there definitly would have ben riffs later on because of my SA.

To me, I really feel i would have to date someone with SA. A blinddate with someone with SA wouldn't be all that threating because if I blushed up, she'd probobly understand and the other way around if her symptoms where to act out. To me two people with SA dating sounds like a great support system.

I dunno, is anyone in a relatioship with someone who has the same issues as them? Anyone ever tried those "shy" dating sites?

seeing the picture of that girl who already said she was interested in me and me being the same and knowing that I turned it down(and would probobly do the same thing today, tommorrow or next week) really put a hole in my stomache.

I feel sick for passing up the oppurtunity, but still am telling myself had I taken it it probobly would have just turned out to be one super-emberrassing night.
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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-07-2009, 08:12 AM Thread Starter
 
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Or anyone feel like sharing what being in a relationship is like having SA? Maybe even being in a relationship with someone that doesn't have SA?
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-07-2009, 08:31 AM
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I've been in several relationships with girls that have both had SA and haven't had it. It really isn't that big of an issue for me. I generally get comfortable around the girl after about a month or so. The first few weeks can be a bit stressful though.

The only real SA issue present in a long term relationship is when the girl wants you to come to her house for dinner with her family, or when she wants you to hang out with a group of her friends you don't know very well. These situations aren't all that common though, and a lot of times you can make excuses for why you can't do it.

I think you should just put yourself out there and give the date with this girl a chance. Worse case scenario is your anxiety acts up big time and the date fails. I think you will still feel better for at least trying.
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-07-2009, 09:10 AM
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Thats sucks dude. You're passing up stuff that you want to do because of your SA. Usually people claim that they dont want to go out but this is an example of you wanting to do it and not doing it because of SA. I think you need to make a decision if you're going to live the rest of your life not doing things because of SA or if you're going to do them despite it. I think I would be much happier going on the date and failing than not going out at all.

Being in a relationship with SA sucks because you're needy as hell and you're always insecure. Personally, I think its extremely difficult for somebody with SA to have a relationship, especially a man, because they're expected to be the strong one in the relationship.

I suggest you go out and live your life despite your SA but I would also suggest working on it. Sitting in your room till you're "fixed" isnt going to help you at all. Keep living your life but make an active attempt to change.

I suggest listening to "The bluepring decoded" by Real social Dynamics and the "The power of Now" by Eckart Tolle.
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-07-2009, 09:32 AM Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EndTheFed View Post
I've been in several relationships with girls that have both had SA and haven't had it. It really isn't that big of an issue for me. I generally get comfortable around the girl after about a month or so. The first few weeks can be a bit stressful though.

The only real SA issue present in a long term relationship is when the girl wants you to come to her house for dinner with her family, or when she wants you to hang out with a group of her friends you don't know very well. These situations aren't all that common though, and a lot of times you can make excuses for why you can't do it.

I think you should just put yourself out there and give the date with this girl a chance. Worse case scenario is your anxiety acts up big time and the date fails. I think you will still feel better for at least trying.
I guess you guys are right. Thats exactly what my buddy was saying, "what you got to lose." I just didn't want my buddy to se my full blown outbreaks, like the blushing and what not.

He said he was planning to go to a bar... hell why not. Liquid courage always worked for me, guess I'll call him back up and give it a try.

Just curious though dude, how did you end up meeting your dates that had SA. To me, other than in these forums, I feel like the only person on earth(or in my general area) that has it.
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-07-2009, 09:49 AM Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by freshjive View Post
Thats sucks dude. You're passing up stuff that you want to do because of your SA. Usually people claim that they dont want to go out but this is an example of you wanting to do it and not doing it because of SA. I think you need to make a decision if you're going to live the rest of your life not doing things because of SA or if you're going to do them despite it. I think I would be much happier going on the date and failing than not going out at all.

Being in a relationship with SA sucks because you're needy as hell and you're always insecure. Personally, I think its extremely difficult for somebody with SA to have a relationship, especially a man, because they're expected to be the strong one in the relationship.

I suggest you go out and live your life despite your SA but I would also suggest working on it. Sitting in your room till you're "fixed" isnt going to help you at all. Keep living your life but make an active attempt to change.

I suggest listening to "The bluepring decoded" by Real social Dynamics and the "The power of Now" by Eckart Tolle.
I appreciate the input, but lets get something straight real fast. I DO NOT just sit in my room. I Work in assphault construstion 6-7 days a week from April to Novemeber(sometimes december) I do meet people here and there, but its always in some sort of social drinking setting, bars, whatever.

I just overtime have developed even more anxiety when it comes to relationships, especially because of the one girl I saw when I was 16 because I feel like not only did I let myself down, I let her down as well. May sound corny, but both of us had ALOT of love for each other for a long time, but when we finally expressed that, I was so insecure that I acted in a way that she hadn't seen before. And that weighs on me, every day. I can't say I still love her, the last time we hung out(maybe a year ago) she left my house on bad terms, again, my fault.

I don't think about her much anymore, but its the type of feeling you have for someone that IF I were to run into her tommorrow at the local bars or something, I'd be lying if I didn't say I'd bet money I'd have butterflies running round my stomache all over again.

Anyways, I have read the power of now, have studied the teachings of Mooji, Papaji, Jiddu Krishnamurti, Ramana Marashi and yeah, that stuff is TRULY powerful.

I have only had two times(thanks to Eckhart Tolle's bookes) where I seriously went into the state of "no mind" The most peaceful, blissful state I have ever experienced. I'm aware I can do it again, but realistically, now(no pun intended) is not the time.

When I did do those practices of being the whitnesser of the thought, not the owner, the witnesser of the ego, in a completely pure state of nothin but awareness. I didn't want to function, I didn't feel I needed to. I'd sit on the porch and watch the birds, thats it.

The whole idea of "no mind" or enlightenment, whatever you want to call it can solve everyone's problems with their own mind... no matter what the case and ESPECIALLY SA.

But as my SA diminished those two times, I had my parents on my back to get a job... I didn't want one, like I said, wanted to sit on the porch, watch the birds, go for long walks, observe other people, my friends family memebers whatever. I can't find an in between of no mind and ambition. I felt it the first time I finally reached the state. But ever since then, if I go there, I have no ambitions, I have nothing, just am and that doesn't sit well with everyone around. And eventually, they batter me to the point where my ego comes back(and I can hear it comming) and I eventually let it out and am back where I started.

When the time is right, hopefully one day when I have enough money to support myself, I'll go back down that road... I probobly go down that road this winter as I ONLY work in the summer. But when you tell your parents(who I live with) "I don't need to do anything, all that will happen will happen, and its fine the way it is."

They just think I'm crazy. Our society doesn't support such states of being, period.

I'll look into this "blueprint decoded
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-07-2009, 12:42 PM Thread Starter
 
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bump, i'd like to hear from others, it doesn't even need pertain to my individual situation

Do you have SA?
Are you dating?
Have you dated partners with SA? How did it effect you?
Have you dated partners without SA? What kind of problems did this situation present?

In your opinion, what is the best, most sound and safe(safe-feeling) way to go about dating while suffering from SA?
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-07-2009, 01:46 PM
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Here's my 2 cents i think a slower paced pre-relationship is better than a blind date something where you can slowly get to know the person that way when you meet up its much more comfortable and easier to talk.Achieving this is hard because it typically involves online dating but it could also be achieved just by asking a girl for her email address instead of a phone number.Becoming friends first in this way has worked for me before.
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-07-2009, 02:12 PM Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Keith View Post
Here's my 2 cents i think a slower paced pre-relationship is better than a blind date something where you can slowly get to know the person that way when you meet up its much more comfortable and easier to talk.Achieving this is hard because it typically involves online dating but it could also be achieved just by asking a girl for her email address instead of a phone number.Becoming friends first in this way has worked for me before.

I get what your saying... the girl I speak of, the one I FEEL I let down was definitly way to fast... and I think your right, first get ther email, talk little by little on the internet and at the very least let her KNOW what and who I am, through IMing. The whole presumption feels very comfortable to me...

I'll tell my friend that I'd like to exchange emails with her... it seems obvious but honestly, I haven't thought of it until now.

No, I am NOT being sarcastic, I just am THAT stupid
So thanks bud, mad props!!!
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