Movie on Saturday - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-10-2008, 07:31 PM Thread Starter
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Movie on Saturday


Alright, so I suppose this is a pretty ridiculous thread, and it will just show how socially incompetent I am, but I will make it anyway.

So I posted a couple weeks ago about a girl in my class with whom I have been talking, but was afraid to ask to hang out. On Saturday she texted me and asked what I was doing that night, and I responded with something like "nothing really, just a movie at my house probably...what about you?" She responded saying "im so bored and was thinking of going to a movie tonight-wanna come?" So I agreed, and we got the details squared away, and I picked her up, drove there, watched the movie and drove her home. This went well I think. I was able to tell stories, make jokes, be witty, etc.

I have an interest in this girl as more than a friend, potentially...not a huge crush or anything, but she's pretty cool and cute. I had no idea how to indicate this, and I have no idea if she has any interest in me in that way, so I tried to steer clear of any sure fire signs I thought of her in that way. For example, I didn't compliment her, didn't pay for her ticket or snacks, didn't touch her (yeah right, like I would've done that anyways ), etc. At the end of the night I dropped her off and she thanked me, and said it was fun, and then left.

I am very uncertain about everything here. She mentioned she was "bored" and wanted to see a movie, implying that it was a night where she had nothing else to do, and I was like her Plan D or something. I would like to hang out with her again, but I feel like asking would be out of line or something. And god forbid, if I did something that would imply I like her, I feel like she would be completely weirded out. Maybe that's illogical, but I don't know. I just don't really know where to take it from here. Any thoughts/pointers?

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post #2 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-10-2008, 07:43 PM
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I am very uncertain about everything here. She mentioned she was "bored" and wanted to see a movie, implying that it was a night where she had nothing else to do, and I was like her Plan D or something. I would like to hang out with her again, but I feel like asking would be out of line or something. And god forbid, if I did something that would imply I like her, I feel like she would be completely weirded out. Maybe that's illogical, but I don't know. I just don't really know where to take it from here. Any thoughts/pointers?
Uh, you were plan "B" - get it . She was bored. She did not want to be alone. You arrived, swept her off her feet and into your car. I would say for a first non-date, you did well. You didn't try to jump her , so you behaved yourself.

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post #3 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-10-2008, 09:35 PM
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AAA, always assume attraction.

chick digs you, now you take her, men -> action, women -> reaction, follow your instinct, do you want to kiss her? then do it, you lead, she follows.

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post #4 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-10-2008, 09:52 PM
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I am very uncertain about everything here. She mentioned she was "bored" and wanted to see a movie, implying that it was a night where she had nothing else to do, and I was like her Plan D or something. I would like to hang out with her again, but I feel like asking would be out of line or something. And god forbid, if I did something that would imply I like her, I feel like she would be completely weirded out. Maybe that's illogical, but I don't know. I just don't really know where to take it from here. Any thoughts/pointers?

Uhhh, how is that the implication??? Don't you want to hang out w/someone you like when you're bored? A friend? A romantic interest? Plus, it sounds like she was being subtle. Did you expect her to call you, ask you out and be obvious on top of it?

Believe me, man, I know how you feel but from what you've written so far, you don't really have the right to feel like you can't show at least half as much interest as she showed you. How did she act during the date?
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post #5 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-10-2008, 11:41 PM
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AAA, always assume attraction.

chick digs you, now you take her, men -> action, women -> reaction, follow your instinct, do you want to kiss her? then do it, you lead, she follows.
...gees! Is that a strict rule you have going there?!! ...cos, personally, i'd probably get bored with the guy always leading. And in fact, in the couple of dates I have been on (ages ago now) I recall I did get quite bored with the guy always leading.

Gotta be a bit of give and take in my opinion. ...actually, I recall a certain wrestling match that I and a guy I was dating had once -it was pretty cool actually. A lot of fun! -who says one partner has to dominate or take over?! Why when you can take turns.

Maybe also, Mr Orange is going with his instincts. ...Incidentally, Mr Orange, I would just go with the flow and do what feels right to you. ...the only thing I'd concern my self with at this point is that you get a feeling that you are her "Plan D". -I know what being someone's plan D is like and it isn't nice. ...but, are you sure she really regards you in such a way? ...anyhow, if she does or even if you wonder whether she does, distance yourself emotionally from her if you can. ...and then, if that doesn't work and cause her to give you a higher social standing, cut off from seeing her.


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post #6 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-11-2008, 12:20 AM
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Man, I think that one of the most common mistakes we guys make with gals is assuming they figure out what they want as quickly as we do.

The other night she probably thought, "This guy is interesting, I think I'll call him," then found that she'd made a good decision by doing so. I'll bet that she is attracted to you in some regard even if she doesn't make that plainly obvious.

At this point I'd ask to take her out to do something. If you pay for whatever it is, open doors for her, etc., you'll be more or less making it a date, and she'll probably get the hint. You need to stay somewhat subtle now for the sake of consistency, but you want to let her know that you're not afraid to make your intentions clear.

So at the end of the night, aim for the goodbye peck on the cheek. You're allowed to make any sheepish face you want immediately after doing so...just make sure you don't physically leap backward.

Edit: Please don't freakin worry about being Plan D, as long as she doesn't flirt with plans A, B, and C while you're with her. My father was Plan D when he met my mother, and I was plan D when I met the gal I was with for three years, just as I was...with anyone who stayed with me for more than a few months, now that I think about it. Remember that just because there may be others doesn't mean you won't win in the end.

Edit again: Feel free to bug me at any point if you need a sounding board for your ideas.
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post #7 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-11-2008, 01:10 AM
 
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Just to add to what some of the other posters have said, Mr. Orange, look at it this way: she kind of initiated the evening by asking what you were doing, was very interested in going to a movie with you, and from your account, had a good time.
Just go with the flow, and keep the momentum going; and as sanspants said, don't worry about being her Plan D. Live in the moment, have a great time, and see what she's doing this Saturday.
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post #8 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-11-2008, 02:43 AM
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If anything, she sees you as a friend. There's nothing wrong with guys having girls as friends. The thing you have to do is to give some hints that you like her more than a friend and see how she responds. Maybe be a little more touchy with her or flirt a little bit with her. Don't be afraid to call her again. It doesn't even have to be a date setting since she sees you as a friend right now. Just call to hang out or do her tactic and say you're bored.
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post #9 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-11-2008, 07:11 AM
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this is a familiar situation. when i was skeptical about some chick wanting to hang with me, i let her call me for the first few times. I can remember one girl hounding me, but as soon as i fell for her, she jerked the rug out from under me. I was talking to her at school, and when she saw "Jeff" come out of the building, she told me to stop talking, and then turned around to nervously laugh at her boyfriend. I found out that Jeff didn't allow her to talk to anyone, and i later saw her with a black eye. In the other cases, i never was okay with being a plan b,c or d. I guess a good way to figure this out would be to let it play out, and eventuall ask her out. If she says yes, as much as you do, then you're okay. If it's lopsided, get out.
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post #10 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-11-2008, 09:54 AM
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post #11 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-11-2008, 11:36 AM
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...gees! Is that a strict rule you have going there?!! ...cos, personally, i'd probably get bored with the guy always leading. And in fact, in the couple of dates I have been on (ages ago now) I recall I did get quite bored with the guy always leading.

Gotta be a bit of give and take in my opinion. ...actually, I recall a certain wrestling match that I and a guy I was dating had once -it was pretty cool actually. A lot of fun! -who says one partner has to dominate or take over?! Why when you can take turns.

Maybe also, Mr Orange is going with his instincts. ...Incidentally, Mr Orange, I would just go with the flow and do what feels right to you. ...the only thing I'd concern my self with at this point is that you get a feeling that you are her "Plan D". -I know what being someone's plan D is like and it isn't nice. ...but, are you sure she really regards you in such a way? ...anyhow, if she does or even if you wonder whether she does, distance yourself emotionally from her if you can. ...and then, if that doesn't work and cause her to give you a higher social standing, cut off from seeing her.
Never take advice from a woman simply because what they like logically doesnt match what they react to emotionally.

By always lead I mean always be in control, lead the frame of the interaction, so that the girl feels liek youre in control and comfortable, and that you are the man in the interaction

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post #12 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-11-2008, 12:07 PM Thread Starter
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Thanks for all the responses!

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Maybe also, Mr Orange is going with his instincts. ...Incidentally, Mr Orange, I would just go with the flow and do what feels right to you. ...the only thing I'd concern my self with at this point is that you get a feeling that you are her "Plan D". -I know what being someone's plan D is like and it isn't nice. ...but, are you sure she really regards you in such a way?
I have no idea whether I am her "Plan D" or not, but I just jump to that conclusion when she sends me a text saying "I'm bored, wanna do something?" But I guess that like others have said, she might just be subtle about it or something. I really suck at reading people.

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post #13 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-11-2008, 12:13 PM Thread Starter
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By always lead I mean always be in control, lead the frame of the interaction, so that the girl feels liek youre in control and comfortable, and that you are the man in the interaction
I agree with a bit of what you and Ruby have said on this. I certainly think that it should not be one person dominating the initiation/control or whatever; it should be more mutual. I think that there are girls who will take the driver's seat as well, and not mind when a guy is passive.

But sadly, this is not the case with everyone. Many girls seem to like a guy who is confident, will make the moves, and take action, like Gary says. I learned this the hard way, when my ex girlfriend was very passive, and I wasn't able to initiate anything with her. Despite how much she liked me, this turned her off a lot over time, and lead to rough waters =/ I think that making the moves shows confidence and girls love that.

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post #14 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-11-2008, 12:17 PM Thread Starter
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I bet she just said she was bored to make it sound casual. I bet you were her plan A. I'll bet she had other options that night but wanted to do something with you.

It's nice you didn't make a move though. Respectful even. Anyhow, that's great. This was your goal and you did it. It's not easy to forge connections with people under those kind of circumstances.

Wait, is this the yoga chic or someone else?
Thanks, I hope that is the case. And no, it is not the yoga chic I was going to join that class, and I asked my mom about it. Then she asked my aunt, and my aunt said she would do it with me if I was serious. Yeah...I don't think that would be very comfortable. And even if she didn't come, my good friends mom and dad are in that same class. I'm sure nothing woulda happened anyways, but that is enough to make me not even want to try

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post #15 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-11-2008, 12:20 PM Thread Starter
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So here is my gameplan for this. I see her tomorrow night for class, and I think I might ask her to do something. I will ask what she is doing on Saturday, and if she is free, I will invite her to do one of a couple of things. Either go see a movie (James Bond), go to a bowling/pool place in the city, go to a rock climbing gym (something I've wanted to do, but haven't got around to it), or something else (if anyone has any suggestions). I am leaning toward the bowling/pool right now.

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post #16 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-11-2008, 05:15 PM
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I agree with a bit of what you and Ruby have said on this. I certainly think that it should not be one person dominating the initiation/control or whatever; it should be more mutual. I think that there are girls who will take the driver's seat as well, and not mind when a guy is passive.

But sadly, this is not the case with everyone. Many girls seem to like a guy who is confident, will make the moves, and take action, like Gary says. I learned this the hard way, when my ex girlfriend was very passive, and I wasn't able to initiate anything with her. Despite how much she liked me, this turned her off a lot over time, and lead to rough waters =/ I think that making the moves shows confidence and girls love that.
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post #17 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-11-2008, 05:16 PM
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Never take advice from a woman simply because what they like logically doesnt match what they react to emotionally.

By always lead I mean always be in control, lead the frame of the interaction, so that the girl feels liek youre in control and comfortable, and that you are the man in the interaction
...er... sorry, I don't go for that. If a guy tried to "take over" the interaction, he'd just get a big surprise -I don't fancy being "the passive one". Frankly, I'd get extremely bored.


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post #18 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-11-2008, 05:41 PM
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Maybe you can text her and let her know you had fun and if she needs a movie buddy in the future to count you in. Then let things happen, or not. Either way you made the most of an opportunity.

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post #19 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-11-2008, 07:11 PM
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The pool/bowling thing sounds good...since it's interactive, unlike the movie. I might try to do both that and the movie if you're starting early and she seems to have the whole night free (though I'd only propose one at first, then the other one later on)
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post #20 of 33 (permalink) Old 11-11-2008, 09:14 PM
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...er... sorry, I don't go for that. If a guy tried to "take over" the interaction, he'd just get a big surprise -I don't fancy being "the passive one". Frankly, I'd get extremely bored.
thats you, not the mayority of girls in the world, again, girls dont know what they want, never take datign advice from a girl

also, MrOrange, as men were supposed to lead, the whole "let her lead too" argument is just like the "passive, aggrassive, assertive" argument, assertive doesnt exist, theres no middle ground, you know how to be passive, now learn to lead once you know how to do that you can let her take some part in it, but if you try to let her lead too youre goign to get tangled in a whole lot of nonsense and youll lose the confidence you were showing in her eyes

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