Men scare me - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-29-2013, 08:34 PM Thread Starter
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Men scare me


I'm scared of men. It's not a phobia, or anything like that. But I don't know what this is.

I'm only short, about 5'3", I'm not very strong physically, or emotionally, really. Most men are taller than me, most men are stronger than me. I'm an easy target. Easy prey. They could easily overpower me and do what they want to me.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm afraid of being hurt.

Physically hurt.

I'm afraid of being beaten, I'm afraid of being raped, I'm afraid of being taken advantage of, I'm afraid of letting myself fall into an abusive relationship. This even stops me from going out on weekends with friends or walking by myself at night because I'm so afraid of getting a man's attention.

For me, it's hard to distinguish good and bad. I have Asperger Syndrome, which I have learned to manage over the years, but of course, it still affects my daily life. Especially in this instance. I can be quite naive, but I also have trust issues. I don't trust men, because I don't know what their intentions are. I don't like being touched, I only let a few people hug me and be playful with me. I'm a very sensitive person, in all senses of the word. I'm afraid that if I do fall into a relationship that he's not going to cope with me and my 'Aspieness' and he's going to lash out.

I'm afraid of men when they're angry, my Dad is a very frightening man when he's angry. One time, he got very angry at me, and I don't want tell you what he did, but he didn't beat me up or anything. But that incident has stuck with me, it never left me. Maybe that has something to do with how I see men now.

There are men who have malicious intentions and I'm afraid of letting them hurt me. People change, they can be kind and gentle, but then become ruthless, cold, abusive. I'm afraid of that.
I know there are wonderful, amazing men out there, but even then, I'd be weary of them too.

Please forgive me is this is a jumbled mess, I don't feel I've explained myself like I wanted. But I didn't get to sleep until 7:00am this morning, I'm a bit out of it. :P

But can anybody help?
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post #2 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-29-2013, 08:40 PM
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You know my dad also had anger issues and that probably affected me, and what you feel now is probably related to that.
Have you seen a therapist or a psychologist?
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post #3 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-29-2013, 08:41 PM
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You could take some self defense classes and carry a weapon if your allowed to. I know in Texas if you are 21 you can carry a gun on you. It's easy as a woman you can carry it in your purse. Just make sure the safety is on.

You can also use bear mace, that is also a very good option. Doesn't matter how strong someone is a good dose of bear mace and kick in the dick works pretty good.

Not very good at this.
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post #4 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-29-2013, 08:46 PM
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Well, in all honesty, it sounds like you may have androphobia, or just social anxiety around men that is greater than normal. I'm not a psychologist or a therapist, so thats just my own speculation, you shouldn't label yourself as having androphobia or anything unless you get diagnosed by a professional.

It could also very well be an extension of Asperger's perhaps? I'm not sure

I would recommend that you talk to a counselor, or a therapist if you feel like it. It would also be a good idea to talk to some people you trust about it.
Obviously, you seem to be more than aware that the majority of men are not rapists, or all that violent, which means your fears are subconscious I suppose. I think, perhaps, if you got used to talking to, or being around men, ones you trust, then that could also help.
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post #5 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-29-2013, 08:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by inneedofsomething View Post
I'm only short, about 5'3", I'm not very strong physically, or emotionally, really.
Same.

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Most men are taller than me, most men are stronger than me. I'm an easy target. Easy prey. They could easily overpower me and do what they want to me.
I often feel the same. That's why I prefer people to be within 4-6 inches of my height. I don't like it when people dwarf me, or when they are so large that I wouldn't have a chance if they turned against me. ._.

Quote:
I'm afraid of being beaten, I'm afraid of being raped, I'm afraid of being taken advantage of, I'm afraid of letting myself fall into an abusive relationship. This even stops me from going out on weekends with friends or walking by myself at night because I'm so afraid of getting a man's attention.
Have you ever taken self-defense courses? You could also carry a taser or pepper spray. Also, if you're going out in groups of friends, then you really should be pretty safe. There's power in numbers, and most criminals aren't going to take a chance with a group of girls who could run away and get help quickly.

Quote:
I don't like being touched, I only let a few people hug me and be playful with me. I'm a very sensitive person, in all senses of the word.
I don't like being touched, either. I don't even like doctors touching me. It just makes me feel really uncomfortable.

Quote:
I'm afraid that if I do fall into a relationship that he's not going to cope with me and my 'Aspieness' and he's going to lash out.
Eh, I also fear that my general annoying-ness will cause people to be angry at me, and I don't really cope well when people are angry with me. ._.

Quote:
There are men who have malicious intentions and I'm afraid of letting them hurt me. People change, they can be kind and gentle, but then become ruthless, cold, abusive. I'm afraid of that.
I personally feel that I'm naive, and that there's a great potential that I'm completely wrong about someone's personality. So, I think it's always better to stay on the safe side.

Quote:
I know there are wonderful, amazing men out there, but even then, I'd be weary of them too.
I feel that everyone can have some malicious intent.

Quote:
Please forgive me is this is a jumbled mess, I don't feel I've explained myself like I wanted. But I didn't get to sleep until 7:00am this morning, I'm a bit out of it. :P
I'm sorry if my response is a jumbled mess. I've been awake all day.

Quote:
But can anybody help?
My only advice is: always have a trusted friend with you, take a self defense class, and carry pepper spray.
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post #6 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-30-2013, 12:32 AM
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Originally Posted by SteinerOfThule View Post
You could take some self defense classes and carry a weapon if your allowed to. I know in Texas if you are 21 you can carry a gun on you. It's easy as a woman you can carry it in your purse. Just make sure the safety is on.

You can also use bear mace, that is also a very good option. Doesn't matter how strong someone is a good dose of bear mace and kick in the dick works pretty good.
Carrying Mace like they have on a key-chain might be good. I wouldn't carry a gun for many reasons. But self-defense classes can help with self-confidence too.
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post #7 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-30-2013, 12:45 AM
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Scared?


Hi Inneedofsomething. Hope all is ok. Try not to be scared coz you can tackle it. I'm just over 5'6" & trust me, it's the little people amongst us who can be the more dangerous of the species.
Agee with Steiner of Thule that a form of self defence skill would help. I'd suggest trying to track down a karate dojo in your area. In my case I practice Shotokan (20 yrs now). Joining a dojo will teach you what's necessary, keep you fit, give you oodles of self-confidence & enjoyment.
Give me a shout if you think I can help.
A.

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post #8 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-06-2013, 08:12 PM Thread Starter
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Thank you!


Thank you everyone for replying. It feels so good to know that I have finally found somewhere where I will not be judged.

Unfortunately, in Australia, gun possession for self defense is illegal. As well as carrying pepper or capsicum spray, tasers and the like. (In some states anyway.) So, I'm down and out there.

I took up karate while I was in high school, so I have SOME means of self defense. But other than that...
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post #9 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-06-2013, 08:29 PM
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I don't imagine anyone would try to hurt you
Reading that makes me wanna hug you ^^

I agree whit Alas Babylon
This is similar to social phobia,because it's also a fear, so facing it is the only way, all i can say about facing a fear is that you should start slowly,don't let bumps stop you and
don't do it alone, let people you trust know about it and get help from a professional

I won't advice you on what to do, because it's best to leave it for someone whit experience

But remember that you can use this forum to help you along the road
I agree with this. You will have to slowly face your fears but do it within a safe environment and with the help of a professional if you feel like you need the extra support. Perhaps join a support group if you can find one with other woman that have been through the same things.

Its the minority of men that are abusive emotionally/physically/sexually etc, majority are fine. But the bad apples make the most noise and gain the most attention.
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post #10 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-06-2013, 09:02 PM
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I am a man and felt that same way. (I was horrible bullied growing up). For me, it was just going out to meet with people. I was always in public and within reasonable distance of an "escape" plan or route, but eventually the anxiety decreased. It's still there, but it takes some time to undo these experiences. Good luck to you!
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post #11 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-07-2013, 04:16 AM
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meh, half of them are more scared of you than you are of them, no matter how short or tall they are lol. And i don't agree with marko, quite incorrect sir, maybe some are more "tough" but that usually shows around other guys, not other girls. This isn't something that needs further fueling, she seems to have enough of that.

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And so are we, for a little while.”

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post #12 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-07-2013, 06:09 AM
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I know how that can feel. I'm barely over 5' myself, and not taking the supplements I should be taking to make up for protein, iron, and a number of other diet-created deficiencies, I'm far from strong. Plus with the kind of neighborhood my university's in, it gets scary walking to places alone. Every time a man in a car drives by I kind of move as far away from the street as I can. I used to dive behind stuff when I was younger (my dad raised me to be cautious and caution turned into phobias of pretty much anything that moved, especially men). Of course some people will say therapy and for some it works, but what works for me is to either walk with someone else (preferably someone bigger to kinda hide behind or someone I deem prettier, so I'm not the target) or I kind of block out the thoughts the best I can and throw caution to the wind, shut out my surroundings so I don't see the man on the other side of the street, etc. The only thing is I become a little more in danger of other things, like being run over, but my mind isn't telling me that there is a gang around the corner who will beat me to death for seeing their drugs or something.
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post #13 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-07-2013, 08:41 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by inneedofsomething View Post
I'm afraid of men when they're angry, my Dad is a very frightening man when he's angry. One time, he got very angry at me, and I don't want tell you what he did, but he didn't beat me up or anything. But that incident has stuck with me, it never left me. Maybe that has something to do with how I see men now.
Yes, I think that is the core of your problem. My dad is also mercurial ie volatile and when he gets angry he says the most hurtful words he can muster and he behaves like an out-of-control animal! That's why I also have this residual fear of angering people, which I'm trying to combat by reminding myself that not all people are like that! I think you should talk this through with a therapist.
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post #14 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-07-2013, 09:48 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by inneedofsomething View Post
I'm scared of men. It's not a phobia, or anything like that. But I don't know what this is.

I'm only short, about 5'3", I'm not very strong physically, or emotionally, really. Most men are taller than me, most men are stronger than me. I'm an easy target. Easy prey. They could easily overpower me and do what they want to me.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm afraid of being hurt.

Physically hurt.

I'm afraid of being beaten, I'm afraid of being raped, I'm afraid of being taken advantage of, I'm afraid of letting myself fall into an abusive relationship. This even stops me from going out on weekends with friends or walking by myself at night because I'm so afraid of getting a man's attention.

For me, it's hard to distinguish good and bad. I have Asperger Syndrome, which I have learned to manage over the years, but of course, it still affects my daily life. Especially in this instance. I can be quite naive, but I also have trust issues. I don't trust men, because I don't know what their intentions are. I don't like being touched, I only let a few people hug me and be playful with me. I'm a very sensitive person, in all senses of the word. I'm afraid that if I do fall into a relationship that he's not going to cope with me and my 'Aspieness' and he's going to lash out.

I'm afraid of men when they're angry, my Dad is a very frightening man when he's angry. One time, he got very angry at me, and I don't want tell you what he did, but he didn't beat me up or anything. But that incident has stuck with me, it never left me. Maybe that has something to do with how I see men now.

There are men who have malicious intentions and I'm afraid of letting them hurt me. People change, they can be kind and gentle, but then become ruthless, cold, abusive. I'm afraid of that.
I know there are wonderful, amazing men out there, but even then, I'd be weary of them too.

Please forgive me is this is a jumbled mess, I don't feel I've explained myself like I wanted. But I didn't get to sleep until 7:00am this morning, I'm a bit out of it. :P

But can anybody help?
i didnt have any physical abuse experiences, but i think you have to find yourself a guy who will respect you,whom you trust and who will make you feel safer..
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post #15 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-07-2013, 10:49 AM
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well all men aren't rapists.
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post #16 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-07-2013, 11:16 AM
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A person protects another because of morals or because they care for the person.

So with a few astute question, you can discern the underlying morals of a person, or whether they care for you.

Then it's about trusting your judgement.

No one is an island fortress, even as a man, i can get ganged on or get a knife pulled. I dont let that become a fear because i trust my judgement in gauging the inner politics of the people i come across with and therefore commit to the appropriate response.
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post #17 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-07-2013, 12:21 PM
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You dont have to be afraid of men thinking that they will hurt you. I mean why would they hurt you in the first place, and I dont know of any men that would want to hurt a woman.. I know its probably your instinct reaction because you said that your dad scares you when hes angry, but you have to understand and tell your brain that its just your anxiety, and its not how you truly feel.
Lol, I think hot chicks scare me the most, because I think they will judge me or reject me.

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post #18 of 36 (permalink) Old 09-11-2013, 05:48 AM Thread Starter
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I'm only just coming back to this forum, after neglecting it for a while... Whoops!

I too have a fear of making people angry. I'm a people pleaser by nature, so I guess, to some people, that may make me a pushover. Anyway, I try my best to make people happy so they don't get angry and lash out at me.

My Dad also made me very cautious of men. If he found out that I was going to be walking somewhere by myself, he'd make me arrange other methods of transportation so that I wasn't alone. I know he meant well, but he wasn't helping with the anxiety. He just added fuel to the fire, making it worse.

I hate feeling like this, because I feel that I am at that stage in my life where I want to be in a serious, loving relationship. I'm only in my very early twenties, but I feel that if I had somebody who loved me for me, who was patient with me, supportive, tolerant and accepting of me, then maybe I'd feel safer and happier.
Even though being single is pretty great.

I don't have many men in my life that I can fully place my trust in; not even my male friends. I can't think of any man off the top of my head who I can fully trust.
I'm afraid that they'll find out and be offended, and they'll get angry. If only they could understand...
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post #19 of 36 (permalink) Old 09-11-2013, 06:10 AM
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No ned to say sorry, some bad men out there.. but not all

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post #20 of 36 (permalink) Old 09-11-2013, 06:22 AM
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Originally Posted by inneedofsomething View Post
Unfortunately, in Australia, gun possession for self defense is illegal.
Ooo another Aussie. You wouldn't happen to be from Perth would you?
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