Lying to fit in - extreme guilt and anxiety - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-01-2019, 08:25 AM Thread Starter
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Lying to fit in - extreme guilt and anxiety


I am 27 and i am extremely sensitive to peoples opinions of myself and my family. If i know someone would think negatively of me by me sharing a fact about myselfni would not share it or i would lie about. Just so i could fit in. Over the years i have not shared a lot about myself with some people and its making me really anxious and guilty. Now i want to start talking about myself but i am scared to death people will be mad at me.
Below are aome examples of things i did not mention with some people i have known for years -i have a sister who was living in USA -I have an oldest brother also living in usa who is a PHD -That i was part of a fraternity in unoversity -that my parents own a business -that i have been to europe and asia -that i used to play tennis tournaments -that i used to be a camp counsellor
Now i am scared to death that if people find se thinga about me they will be mad, upset or surprised qt me for me not telling it before. I am really anxious of standing out and of people judging me as rich
I was kind of bullied qute a bit growing up. People would mock me when i spoke and would say "i didnt know you could talk". People would make fun of my accent also. I am from south america but moved to canada when i was 11. I have always been really shy for as long i could remember. I was also voted most akward counselor by the other staff at the summer camp i worked at. One day there was visitors day and one of the other counselors told me his mom thought i had some mental problems. All these things really lowered my self esteem. At work one time i was called sketchy and secretive and one girl always points out how red i get.
Now i dont have any self esteem and really scared and nervous about everything. I want to be myself biut i am scared to death people will be mad at me for me never having shared i had a sister or that i have been to asia last year.
Really need some good advice. I tried taking improv lessons and while things got better a little when i was doing the lessons, things went back to normal soon after. I tried a therapist but didnt work out as i was too ashamed of telling him all this. I am starting a new therapist nezt week which i will give a try.
Really need some advice i am going crazy


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post #2 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-01-2019, 07:05 PM
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I do the same, not proud, but can't let anyone know who I'm actually are, that's just horribly embarrassing...

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post #3 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-02-2019, 08:49 PM Thread Starter
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Am i overreacting or will peoplenbe angry at me?
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post #4 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-03-2019, 10:24 AM
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Am i overreacting or will peoplenbe angry at me?

If you tell them now they won’t be mad at you. They will be happy you are now sharing things with them and will perceive you as more talkative. What you are talking about is reasonably interesting.


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post #5 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-03-2019, 11:00 AM
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You've been amongst some unpleasant people (thinking about some of the mocking you had to endure). I empathise with the blushing thing - I also do that, it's very visible and people used to sadistically point that out. Nowadays I don't care that much, but I used to just die inside a little each time someone would comment about it.

You don't have to share all your life with people around you, you don't owe them that. Being taken into someone's confidence is a gift, not a right. There's a character called Rosa in a TV show Brooklyn Nine Nine, and someone says to her: "I don't know anything about you". Her answer is "Good". Now you don't have to be like Rosa, but you can if you want to. It's your choice. And if someone gets upset because you hadn't told them about your sister...well, that's their problem, really.

It's a good idea to tell your therapist what you need from them. "I want not to feel embarrassed about who I am when I speak to other people" should give them a clue where to start. I've seen therapists also offering something called "assertiveness training", which could be useful.

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post #6 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-03-2019, 04:45 PM
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Originally Posted by rabidfoxes View Post
You've been amongst some unpleasant people (thinking about some of the mocking you had to endure). I empathise with the blushing thing - I also do that, it's very visible and people used to sadistically point that out. Nowadays I don't care that much, but I used to just die inside a little each time someone would comment about it.

You don't have to share all your life with people around you, you don't owe them that. Being taken into someone's confidence is a gift, not a right. There's a character called Rosa in a TV show Brooklyn Nine Nine, and someone says to her: "I don't know anything about you". Her answer is "Good". Now you don't have to be like Rosa, but you can if you want to. It's your choice. And if someone gets upset because you hadn't told them about your sister...well, that's their problem, really.

It's a good idea to tell your therapist what you need from them. "I want not to feel embarrassed about who I am when I speak to other people" should give them a clue where to start. I've seen therapists also offering something called "assertiveness training", which could be useful.
That's a great post all round.

And on the not having to tell people everything about yourself thing - I had this weird guy recently that comes to visit a friend of mine at the book market that kept hassling me about why I hadn't got my self organised and was selling books there too. He's a very negative type of person in general and not someone I have any interest in speaking to - although unfortunately I may have given him the impression I was by just being polite and actually talking to him.

I didn't lie to him I was just very vague when I answered his stupid questions. God he's annoying.
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post #7 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-03-2019, 06:00 PM Thread Starter
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Thats the thing, i dont to be so closed off anymore...i want to share things about myself but i cant because of this fear of people getting upset or reacting negatively for me never sharing things before

I also didnt share things before for fear of people judging me as rich
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post #8 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-05-2019, 02:51 PM Thread Starter
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i am also embarrased of telling a friend my brother married someone from another religious...deep fear he will judge me
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post #9 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-06-2019, 05:43 AM
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Originally Posted by sport541 View Post
I am 27 and i am extremely sensitive to peoples opinions of myself and my family. If i know someone would think negatively of me by me sharing a fact about myselfni would not share it or i would lie about. Just so i could fit in. Over the years i have not shared a lot about myself with some people and its making me really anxious and guilty. Now i want to start talking about myself but i am scared to death people will be mad at me.
Below are aome examples of things i did not mention with some people i have known for years -i have a sister who was living in USA -I have an oldest brother also living in usa who is a PHD -That i was part of a fraternity in unoversity -that my parents own a business -that i have been to europe and asia -that i used to play tennis tournaments -that i used to be a camp counsellor
Now i am scared to death that if people find se thinga about me they will be mad, upset or surprised qt me for me not telling it before. I am really anxious of standing out and of people judging me as rich
I was kind of bullied qute a bit growing up. People would mock me when i spoke and would say "i didnt know you could talk". People would make fun of my accent also. I am from south america but moved to canada when i was 11. I have always been really shy for as long i could remember. I was also voted most akward counselor by the other staff at the summer camp i worked at. One day there was visitors day and one of the other counselors told me his mom thought i had some mental problems. All these things really lowered my self esteem. At work one time i was called sketchy and secretive and one girl always points out how red i get.
Now i dont have any self esteem and really scared and nervous about everything. I want to be myself biut i am scared to death people will be mad at me for me never having shared i had a sister or that i have been to asia last year.
Really need some good advice. I tried taking improv lessons and while things got better a little when i was doing the lessons, things went back to normal soon after. I tried a therapist but didnt work out as i was too ashamed of telling him all this. I am starting a new therapist nezt week which i will give a try.
Really need some advice i am going crazy


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I think if your honest now and just tell them how you feel and why you lied they shouldn’t and won’t be mad at you. It’s a beautiful thing when people just open up and allow themselves to be vulnerable by being their authentic true selves.

As for the bullying, I think when people are mean or bully another, it says a lot more about the person being mean or being a bully then it does the victim (you) it just shows what kind of characters they are not you! I’m sorry to hear you have self esteem
Issues but I think the best way is to try and ignore it and not let it get to you. I know that’s much easier said then done though! But once you find true love within yourself then it will no longer matter to you how other people act to you. Be kind to yourself, write down some good qualities and what you like about yourself before you go to sleep every night! 🙂
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post #10 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-06-2019, 10:25 AM Thread Starter
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thank you but i really dont want to have to explain myself to people
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post #11 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-08-2019, 07:33 PM Thread Starter
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any other help?
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post #12 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-13-2019, 07:13 PM Thread Starter
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any help?
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post #13 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-14-2019, 11:09 AM
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Hmmm. I don't know about lying but I guess I discovered in like 7th grade that you kinda have to wear the clothes everyone else is wearing and be into the same stuff everyone else is into and pretty much be just like them in every way in order to fit in.

So I did that because I was being taunted and made fun of and so forth and I just didn't need that at the time. But I only took it so far because I really was not all that into most of the stuff they were into. I just wanted to be able to fake it pretty well. Like basketball and boxing. I didn't care a bit for either of them but some of the guys I was in school with did so I figured I'd watch enough of it to be able to throw a couple of cents into the conversation and blend in a bit better so I wouldn't become the subject of otherness.

I kind of learned to be self-depreciating in that way where if someone made a joke they didn't know I could talk I'd say something like "I didn't either" or something. I found that usually when people say stuff like that they are just trying to get a reaction and not necessarily trying to be mean (though it could be both things at once, realistically).

It's really hard to be really into stuff you're not into though.

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post #14 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-14-2019, 11:58 AM
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Every person has flaws. Just because someone learns something negative about you, doesn't mean they will think of you less - in fact, quite contrary, if all they know about you is good facts, then they will see you as fake, as an actor, as a robot, rather than a regular human being.

I have a ton of flaws or relatively embarrassing facts about myself, which I can state here openly:
1) I have a skin condition that makes my face reddish and somewhat "flaky" naturally.
2) I am really terrible at not being late to anything.
3) I am pretty disorganized.
4) I have zero relationship experience.
5) My granddad was an alcoholic who died to alcoholic poisoning.
6) I generally speak English with barely any significant accent, but when I'm sleepy, my accent can get pretty strong, and people start asking where I'm from.

I can go on and on, and I'm not afraid to share any of it. Why? Because I realize that I am a human, and humans are individuals, with their strengths and weaknesses. Many people have weaknesses that I do not, and I have strength that many people do not.

If you reflect on these things and realize that being mad over someone's flaws makes no sense, then you will also realize that people are unlikely to be mad at you for telling them something. Those few jerks who would aren't worth interacting with anyway, and most people will be very understanding.

Just try this experiment: pick the most embarrassing fact about you, take a deep breath, walk up to a stranger and share that fact with them. Look at the reaction. If you are afraid of doing it with strangers, do it with someone who you know pretty well. Either way, you will see that people actually don't care that much, definitely not to the point of getting mad. That will liberate you and allow you to share more of such facts with others, and so on and so on - and you will break the vicious cycle.
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post #15 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-20-2019, 05:59 AM Thread Starter
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thanks

any other advice?
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post #16 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-25-2019, 12:55 PM
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Happens to me at work and around new people all the time and then I still go home feeling embarrassed and anxious over it😑
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post #17 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-25-2019, 03:14 PM
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Ask yourself these questions first....


- What is the worst possible thing that could happen if you tell them? Is this fear realistic?
- What if I focus on the other person and give them all the attention would that help?
- What could be bad about sharing something interesting about you or your family? People love to hear what you have to say.
- What if someone told you a secret or something you always wanted to know would that excite you?
- What if you told before hand that you are afraid of getting judged or unsure about telling something and people would
understand would that help?
- Do you want to stay in fear for the rest of your life or break the cycle of insecurity and doubt?
- Would the feeling of finally getting something of your chest be much more relieving and worthwile than to keep it in?
- What would be the realistic chance people would be mad/irritated/indifferent of what you have to say?
- What if you were truelly interested in the other person and focus on them instead of yourself?
- What do you have to lose?
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post #18 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-30-2019, 04:06 AM Thread Starter
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it is just that when i am in that moment i feel terrified people will be bothered at the fact i have never told them these things before about me

for example theres this friend i used to hang out sometines, last time i saw him was 2014 but he messages me on facebook sometines. I try to avoid him because he was always with negative energy. Anyways when he messges me and he asks how i am doing i really want to tell him new thinga going on in my life (my brother has a baby last year, i went to asia last year, my sister moved back from the usa) but i feel if i tell him i dont know how he will react as i never told him i went to asia, or i never told.him about my sister or the fact that i have a brother in the states with a phd
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post #19 of 20 (permalink) Old 06-02-2019, 01:53 PM Thread Starter
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any help on my last message?
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post #20 of 20 (permalink) Old 06-04-2019, 10:41 AM
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it is just that when i am in that moment i feel terrified people will be bothered at the fact i have never told them these things before about me

for example theres this friend i used to hang out sometines, last time i saw him was 2014 but he messages me on facebook sometines. I try to avoid him because he was always with negative energy. Anyways when he messges me and he asks how i am doing i really want to tell him new thinga going on in my life (my brother has a baby last year, i went to asia last year, my sister moved back from the usa) but i feel if i tell him i dont know how he will react as i never told him i went to asia, or i never told.him about my sister or the fact that i have a brother in the states with a phd

You first need to give us proof that your brother will react in a bad way. Otherwise it's an unrealistic thought. Then you need to think about how relieved you will feel when you tell him everything he will be glad to know. Give good reasons why he won't be happy to hear what you have to say? Focus less on what you would say, and how he will react, but on the joy of sharing your experiences and being interested in him. What is wrong about being interested in another or him being interested in you?
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