Is having an Anxiety disorder a good reason to not consider to myself a coward or *****? - Page 2 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #21 of 55 (permalink) Old 12-30-2018, 09:12 AM
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Hmmmm....I would say that I'm definitely a coward, but only socially. But I am very brave in many other respects. I did not feel like it was bravery, when I donated my kidney for transplant, but I've been told it was a brave thing to do. For me, it was a joy to be able to do that. I tend to think that bravery is much like intelligence. There are different types of intelligence and there are different types of bravery. YOU do not have to meet anyone's definition of what it is to be brave. You are likely brave in ways that are unique to you.

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post #22 of 55 (permalink) Old 12-30-2018, 10:26 AM Thread Starter
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I got bullied pretty badly in hs. I did stand up for myself. Constantly. (One might say too much, since I would mouth back to whole groups of guys.) It just led to worse and worse bullying and by the end I was getting credible death threats so I just had to call it quits. Dropped out of school and just hid from everyone. I've been terrified of humans ever since.

So standing up for yourself wouldn't necessarily have solved your problems. It might have made them worse. I now have all kinds of phobias, nightmares, and other issues with anxiety.
Sorry for what you went through. Interesting how standing up for didn't help. Did you physically punch them or fight back or just verbally fight back? Do you think if you learned how to fight them physically and kicked their *** that would have been the solution. Like learning a martial art.


Guess I need to get the thought out of mind that simply fighting back would have helped. Just blaming myself. Because your case shows it didn't necessarily.
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post #23 of 55 (permalink) Old 12-30-2018, 10:34 AM Thread Starter
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Sounds like you've done alright for yourself. Doesn't it seem like things will be fine at the end of the day?

Blue collar work ain't too bad, sure beats being thousands of dollars in debt. College is overrated anyways, but it is a good investment, depending on discipline.

What was your anxiety at your worst, and has it eased over time?
Sure I guess it will turn out fine in the end. Or average I guess I would say. But I would desire a far more than average or fine life.

I would say my social anxiety has gotten better. Communicating one on one or in small groups. But if I was back in a situation where I had to give speeches like in school or a job where I had to give presentations at work, or any kind of sales job I would be screwed.

Now I pretty sure my anxiety has shifted to more generalized anxiety. General worry or ruminating about the past with worrisome thoughts and reliving the past.

What about yourself?
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post #24 of 55 (permalink) Old 12-30-2018, 07:38 PM
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Originally Posted by chrisinmd View Post
Sorry for what you went through. Interesting how standing up for didn't help. Did you physically punch them or fight back or just verbally fight back? Do you think if you learned how to fight them physically and kicked their *** that would have been the solution. Like learning a martial art.


Guess I need to get the thought out of mind that simply fighting back would have helped. Just blaming myself. Because your case shows it didn't necessarily.
Most of the time it was just: someone (always with friends) insults me, I insult them back, they threaten to kick my ***, then nothing comes of it. That kind of thing happened all the time at school. But most of these guys were preppy kids who didn't want police records.

I did get beaten up a couple of times. The first time the guy hit me in the back of the head so hard he knocked me off my feet. I didn't even know he was there. Then he just jumped on top of me and punched the **** out of me. The second time, two guys jumped me from behind: one grabbed me and pinned my arms behind my back while the other punched me in the stomach. (I did manage to kick that guy down, but he just got back up.) The third time, there were about 8 guys. They circled me and my friend while we were out walking, led us to a field, and then the "leader" told me that if I fought back, they'd hurt my friend. So I just stood there while he hit me. (Actually, I curled up into a ball after the first hit, so most of the bruises were on my back/legs/arms.) To their credit, they didn't hurt my friend. Nothing heroic here, I'm afraid. The thing that really got me was the death threat. That came from a guy that everyone was afraid of. He'd already been in juvie for assault. And he later went on to beat up 3 of my friends. He drove around looking for me for a couple weeks, but I'd just run and hide when I saw his car and he eventually lost interest. (True story.) This all happened in high school, so a long time ago now.

Ime, if someone wants to kick your ***, they're not going to be nice about it. The idea that fights are some sort of gentleman's game, where two people face off and fight fair and square, seems like a bit of Hollywood mythology to me. None of my fights were like that. But maybe it depends on why you're being bullied. If you have one bully who just won't leave you alone and you kick his ***, then maybe that's the end of it. But pretty much everyone in my school hated me because I'm queer and I grew up in a small farming town in the 80s. I got threats from probably 20 different guys. I had girls telling their bfs to kick my ***. Even if I had kicked one of their asses, I would have just got my *** beat by his friends. But until things escalated, I didn't really understand how dangerous it was. Probably because I thought it would be like an afterschool special where two of us would fight and that would be the end of it, lol. If someone insulted me now, I would let it go, because I know it's not worth it.

Learning how to fight has never been an option for me because I have vertigo. If I turn my head the wrong way I just fall over. In any case, I don't want to look like the Incredible Hulk.

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
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post #25 of 55 (permalink) Old 12-30-2018, 09:02 PM
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Originally Posted by truant View Post
I got bullied pretty badly in hs. I did stand up for myself. Constantly. (One might say too much, since I would mouth back to whole groups of guys.) It just led to worse and worse bullying and by the end I was getting credible death threats so I just had to call it quits. Dropped out of school and just hid from everyone. I've been terrified of humans ever since.

So standing up for yourself wouldn't necessarily have solved your problems. It might have made them worse. I now have all kinds of phobias, nightmares, and other issues with anxiety.
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Learning how to fight has never been an option for me because I have vertigo. If I turn my head the wrong way I just fall over. In any case, I don't want to look like the Incredible Hulk.
That's sad to hear and it sucks you got beaten like that by multiple assailants My hs was far nicer so I never got into fights but after hs I had a nasty one where I got my neck cracked. ( a bunch of altercations in grade school, but really just kid tussles. I'd "win" sometimes, but I think it's a myth being able to stand up physically, helps. bad social skills still trump everything imo ) I was afraid I was going to be paralyzed at that point. I'd since learned to be more aware of cheap neck/hair grabs/holds and have practiced countering or preventative "exercises" hundreds of times since then.

Agreed, 'fights' never seem fair at all, society's *******s just seem do whatever they can whether verbal/nonverbal or physical if they feel they can get away with it and there are more *******s at the workplace than ever before. Sometimes I carry a knuckle duster with flipblade when I have to walk outside having parked.

It's usually reactions by others that remind or make me feel "cowardly". The anger just builds up as I try to ignore it until sometimes I stupidly overreact, then I'd get labelled a crazy (and still cowardly) loser which is of course the bullier's cheap and underhanded label i.e. "the loser is a crazy pos anyways". But yeah, I've probably been cowardly many times in non-physical situations and decisions that's severely devastated my life cumulatively.
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post #26 of 55 (permalink) Old 12-31-2018, 06:22 AM
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I don't like the word coward because it seems to mostly be used with contempt. All it comes down to is having or not having the necessary push or motivation to get past the threshold of fear. If they do not then one might call them a coward and view them as lesser in that regard. So really it's used as form of manipulation of attitude and behaviour, or to make people feel bad about themselves and make one feel better for being more courageous (to feed one's ego).

And it's flawed, irrational thinking based on assumption, because one doesn't know the level of fear others might be feeling, and it's not their fault for feeling that level of fear or for being how they are (it's all luck really).
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post #27 of 55 (permalink) Old 12-31-2018, 09:16 PM
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Originally Posted by chrisinmd View Post
Sure I guess it will turn out fine in the end. Or average I guess I would say. But I would desire a far more than average or fine life.

I would say my social anxiety has gotten better. Communicating one on one or in small groups. But if I was back in a situation where I had to give speeches like in school or a job where I had to give presentations at work, or any kind of sales job I would be screwed.

Now I pretty sure my anxiety has shifted to more generalized anxiety. General worry or ruminating about the past with worrisome thoughts and reliving the past.

What about yourself?
Everyone always wants more, I can definitely agree. Its crazy to think how anxiety prevents us from getting what we want from life. Isn't that crazy?

Speeches aren't too bad. I've done lots of them when I was in high school/college. The key is preparing enough to where you know what you are going to say ahead of time. I remember getting good marks on speeches/presentations but I worked for them.

Oh man, where do I begin. I get anxiety just by going to the grocery store. I've been to the guitar shop several times and freeze when I get there, then leave, knowing full well I went there to purchase an item but anxiety hits me and sometimes it becomes too much. When I used to ride public transit, I would get panicky just standing in the sidewalk, waiting for the lights to turn white so I could cross the street. Even at family gatherings, I tense up and feel...anxious, nervous? I find it hard to utter a word at all. If I am being honest, I've questioned my existence, thought about ending it all, but never wanted to actually do it. Sometimes I legitimately ask myself if there is something wrong with me mentally, but deep down I'm not sure what to think.

I feel so behind in life, 25 years old and I have nothing to show for it, but I can't bear feeling sorry for myself. It seems pathetic to feel down over trivial bull****, but that's the reality of it, ironically.

In the end, I believe it will all work out, be alright.

I ddidn't mean to write this much, but it does feel cathartic to vent this out.

Uh, imagine a dark alley, and you see, you see someone come up behind you. You start walking faster, you don't know who it is. You turn around, it's just you. It's you, you're the shadow
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post #28 of 55 (permalink) Old 01-01-2019, 12:46 AM
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I'm a coward. A 100lb woman can make me tremble. I'm tough physically, but mentally, I'm a weakling. I'm a frickin' wimp.

Nobody loves me but my dog, and I think he might be jivin', too.
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post #29 of 55 (permalink) Old 01-01-2019, 12:59 AM
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I don't understand why people are even thinking about using the word "coward" - if you're on this site you've most likely got an anxiety disorder. I think that's a very strange way of looking at this problem we have.

I read your original post about your father too and I find that just mind-boggling. I can see he was trying to toughen you up (in his eyes) - but what a disgraceful way to do it. I'd be truly ashamed of myself if I ever spoke to my son like that - or anyone else actually.
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post #30 of 55 (permalink) Old 01-01-2019, 09:18 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by ForeverInBloom View Post
Everyone always wants more, I can definitely agree. Its crazy to think how anxiety prevents us from getting what we want from life. Isn't that crazy?

Speeches aren't too bad. I've done lots of them when I was in high school/college. The key is preparing enough to where you know what you are going to say ahead of time. I remember getting good marks on speeches/presentations but I worked for them.

Oh man, where do I begin. I get anxiety just by going to the grocery store. I've been to the guitar shop several times and freeze when I get there, then leave, knowing full well I went there to purchase an item but anxiety hits me and sometimes it becomes too much. When I used to ride public transit, I would get panicky just standing in the sidewalk, waiting for the lights to turn white so I could cross the street. Even at family gatherings, I tense up and feel...anxious, nervous? I find it hard to utter a word at all. If I am being honest, I've questioned my existence, thought about ending it all, but never wanted to actually do it. Sometimes I legitimately ask myself if there is something wrong with me mentally, but deep down I'm not sure what to think.

I feel so behind in life, 25 years old and I have nothing to show for it, but I can't bear feeling sorry for myself. It seems pathetic to feel down over trivial bull****, but that's the reality of it, ironically.

In the end, I believe it will all work out, be alright.

I ddidn't mean to write this much, but it does feel cathartic to vent this out.
Interesting how speeches don't bother you but going to something like the grocery store or guitar shop. I would be the exact opposite I can function in front of large groups but do a lot better in one on one or small group situation. What causes you to be anxious in situations like the grocery store? Social anxiety from one on one interactions?

Yea your right anxiety prevents us from getting what we want out of life. To much anxiety to go for the job or to go to school for the career you want. To much social anxiety to ask the attractive female or male out on a date. Not being able to make friends due to social anxiety. Yea anxiety can negatively effect every aspect of your life! Not good.
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post #31 of 55 (permalink) Old 01-01-2019, 09:25 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by harrison View Post
I don't understand why people are even thinking about using the word "coward" - if you're on this site you've most likely got an anxiety disorder. I think that's a very strange way of looking at this problem we have.

I read your original post about your father too and I find that just mind-boggling. I can see he was trying to toughen you up (in his eyes) - but what a disgraceful way to do it. I'd be truly ashamed of myself if I ever spoke to my son like that - or anyone else actually.
What word would be a good replacement for coward? I used the term in my first post because that's how others referred to me. Coward or *****.

If you have an anxiety disorder my definition your brain does not process fear or stress the same way as a normal person. To me a coward would be someone who does not have an anxiety disorder but still cant handle the fear or stress. At least those with anxiety disorders have a medical reason why we cant. What do you think?
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post #32 of 55 (permalink) Old 01-01-2019, 10:12 AM
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What word would be a good replacement for coward? I used the term in my first post because that's how others referred to me. Coward or *****.

If you have an anxiety disorder my definition your brain does not process fear or stress the same way as a normal person. To me a coward would be someone who does not have an anxiety disorder but still cant handle the fear or stress. At least those with anxiety disorders have a medical reason why we cant. What do you think?
I can't think of an appropriate word - I doubt there is one word, it's a complex situation - even for someone without an anxiety disorder.

The word "coward" to me conjures up outdated images of people receiving white feathers that were afraid to go off and fight during the war. (sorry - I'm a great deal older than you are) That was a pretty horrible thing to do to people back then - and would be considered obscene now.

When my anxiety was very bad - and to a lesser extent even now, I could feel a degree of fear just walking along in a shopping mall. Also in situations like eating in public. A talk or presentation would send me into a panic where I couldn't breathe properly. How much more fear do you think an actual physical confrontation would create?

I've never been in a situation where I had to fight - and I'm not sure how I'd respond. (my situation is more complicated because of the mania I often feel because of my bipolar so it's difficult to say anyway and not really the point here)
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post #33 of 55 (permalink) Old 01-03-2019, 05:19 PM
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Is having an Anxiety disorder a good reason to not consider to myself a coward or *****?
You don't need a reason not to consider yourself a coward or whatever is censored. Simply don't consider yourself that way, why? just because. It's about auto-suggestion -> the hypnotic or subconscious adoption of an idea which one has originated oneself.
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Have a good opinion about yourself, you don't have to have a poor opinion about yourself, the way you see yourself influences the way you behave.
You can change the way you see yourself by doing different things in the outside world that will eventually change your mind about who you are when you see evidence for it. As in, you think you are a coward, you eventually do courageous thinks and then you think "maybe I'm not such a big coward as I thought". Or you can go the other way around, you can change your mind about who you are and your actions will eventually adapt. If I think "I'm respectful" I will be more respectful, if I think of myself "I'm courageous" I will be more courageous.

Whether you realize it or not, you have probably been using auto-suggestion techniques your whole life. If you have ever told yourself to wake up at a certain time, relax, sleep, concentrate, smile, breathe, or whatever, you have used auto-suggestions. In truth, auto-suggestion is the simplest and arguably, the most powerful of mind programming tools. It is one of those simple mind power techniques that is easy, always accessible, can be done anywhere any time (even while driving) and requires no special skill or training. We do it nautrally.

The problem is that most people use auto-suggestion unconsciously, and often in a way that holds them back from accomplishing what they want. For example, talking about being “sick and tired” of this or that. Then, they wonder why they feel low and lethargic. Or they ***** that their boss is a pain in the rear, and then they begin to have problems with their lower back. They fail to realize that mind power techniques, used unconsciously also have consequences.

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I was picked on in middle school and high school pretty bad and really regret not standing up for myself back then. Im 41 years old now. Was not diagnosed with social anxiety disorder until around 25 years old so Im pretty darn sure my disorder is the main reason I could not stand up for myself. My symptoms in school were pretty bad. Trembling and shaking in class if I had to give a class presenatation. Or I would simply try to skip class to avoid doing it. Had few friends if any.
It's okay, I stood up for myself which eventually led me to being beaten, it was good and I don't regret it, the fact that I stood up for myself, but I got beaten, that one I regret it. Unless you are stronger or want to become stronger to beat your bullies, eventually I learned that the best way to deal with bullies is to join their side. Not to become a bully like them, but to become someone they view more favorably. How do you turn them on your side? or you to their side? (same thing) you stop being offended by their insults, you stop fighting back. They love it when you get mad, when you get angry, when you try to make them stop, that's what's fueling them, that's why they keep coming back for more. There's a website called BulliesToBuddies that explains it all.

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Didn't help my mindset any that my dad would call me a ***** and coward for not standing up for myself. Wasant an overall bad farther but on this particular issue he had no sympathy or understanding at all. Guess environment he was raised in you were expected to fight or it was the worst thing ever. Not that I think about it Anxiety disorders have a big genetic component so a lot of it can be blamed on the bad genetic hand he dealt me.
I think your father thought that he would motivate you this way. That by calling you names and calling you a cowards you will eventually get so fed up and angry that you will go there and start fighting with the bullies and beating the bullies. But I think it had the opposite effect, it began to demoralize you more and more. My father did the same thing for a time, he eventually learned the wrongs of his ways.

Diabetis also has a big genetic component, but there are a lot of people with that diabetis gene in them that never make diabetis in their life. Blaming on genetics doesn't help: in the first case because it's not completly right, and in the second case because it's not helpful. Genetics plays a factor, but that's where it stops, a factor, what YOU do has more of an influence than what your genetics and what your enviroment does. So if you want to get rid of social anxiety you will want to make better decisions, how you make better decisions? better actions? how you make better actions? you learn how to get rid of social anxiety (from the internet or books) and then start to apply it.

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Anyway so I have accepted that with my disorder was the main reason I did not deal with these bullying issues better. Say 75 percent of it. But I still feel that last 25 percent is on me and my fault and that I am a coward. Having a pretty severe social anxiety disorder does not completely let me off the hook. Im sure there are some people who had as had or worse anxiety disorders were able to handle it better. Guess I look back on it now and im still dealing with a lot of guilt and self blame. Any thoughts and can anyone relate. Thank you
It doesn't matter why you did not deal with those bullies better anymore, it's in the past. You can either learn from it or run from it, but don't ponder over it because it's already happened, it's gone, there's nothing you can do about it anymore. Look over something that you can do something about now, look over the present. What can you do in the present should bother you more than what you could have done in the past, because the present is where you are now. If you want a bright future you'll have to make actions in the present that give you a bright future.

The irony is that you are not a coward becaue you are naturally a coward. You're a coward because you're constantly telling yourself you're a coward, if you want to be something else start calling yourself a different name. Start calling yourself courageous. Think of yourself that you were courageous. Think of the times, even small and minor ones, when you were courageous. And take them as evidenence that, yes, indeed, you can be courageous.

"Few men are born brave. Many become so through training and force of discipline." - Publius Flavius Vegetius Renatus


Quote:
No Body is born coward.
One might lack the nerve to fight for himself initially but anyone can become brave.
Let me tell you how to be brave with a story..

I had a friend who was a very silent, introvert kind of guy. He used to talk little and other students developed habit of constantly bullying him. Most of the time, he tries to avoid picking fight by ignoring them. Because of this, people might have considered him a coward.

But one day he decided to be brave, that day as any other day; one guy approached him for the purpose of bullying him. He got super angry and eventually the bully was beaten. After that day, I have never seen him getting bullied.

The moral is..
It takes only one moment to become brave because being brave doesn’t mean people perceiving you strong. But Brave is one who feels strong inside, one who can stand up for himself and feels strong and confident inside.

Tell your kid..
To pick up the fight and answer the bullies.
He can definitely worry about the consequences but tell him its okay.
He needs just one moment of courage.
After fight he might become physically weak but once he stood up for himself, just once he show courage and fight he will definitely be a brave kid afterwards.
Otherwise, bullies will never leave him throughout his life.
NO ONE IS BORN COWARD.

Anything’s possible if you got enough nerve. - J.K.Rowling

One who can tolerate the bullies is already stronger than others.

GO FOR IT.
"Courage can be in the small choices that we make each day, in doing something despite being afraid of it. It’s facing a fear, or jumping into something, even if we are unsure of the outcome." - Dr. Nikki Martinez.

"How can a man be brave if he is afraid? that is the only time a man can be brave." - George R.R. Martin

It's a good thing to learn to have courage because that's your getaway gate to social anxiety, to do the thing you're afraid to do in spite of the fear.

Quote:
There is only one cure for social phobia, well there are many therapies but they all come down to one thing, and there are many fears in general but they all come down to one thing -> Do the thing you're afraid to do in spite of the fear.

That's how you get rid of the fear, do the think you're afraid to do in spite of the fear. The fear is "blocking" you, but only if you let it to "block" you, there's no acutal physical barrier between you and other people, there's no physical barrier between you and talking to other people, the only barrier is the mental one, as long as that barrier is removed on the physical realm, the mental barrier will shatter, do that constantly, often enough, and you will get rid of social anxiety.

Life is too short to be closed in yourself and not have fun. Keep in touch with people, take initiative, go and talk to people. Be civilized, be respectful, understanding, not conflict prone, have integrity, smile, make jokes and don't get easily offended but also have dignity and self-respect. You're not weak or loser if you're a good person. Everything comes from inside and if you truly want to do something you do it. Happiness is a choice, it depends on us whether we want to be happy or sad.
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post #34 of 55 (permalink) Old 01-04-2019, 10:31 AM Thread Starter
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You don't need a reason not to consider yourself a coward or whatever is censored. Simply don't consider yourself that way, why? just because. It's about auto-suggestion -> the hypnotic or subconscious adoption of an idea which one has originated oneself.

You can change the way you see yourself by doing different things in the outside world that will eventually change your mind about who you are when you see evidence for it. As in, you think you are a coward, you eventually do courageous thinks and then you think "maybe I'm not such a big coward as I thought". Or you can go the other way around, you can change your mind about who you are and your actions will eventually adapt. If I think "I'm respectful" I will be more respectful, if I think of myself "I'm courageous" I will be more courageous.

Whether you realize it or not, you have probably been using auto-suggestion techniques your whole life. If you have ever told yourself to wake up at a certain time, relax, sleep, concentrate, smile, breathe, or whatever, you have used auto-suggestions. In truth, auto-suggestion is the simplest and arguably, the most powerful of mind programming tools. It is one of those simple mind power techniques that is easy, always accessible, can be done anywhere any time (even while driving) and requires no special skill or training. We do it nautrally.

The problem is that most people use auto-suggestion unconsciously, and often in a way that holds them back from accomplishing what they want. For example, talking about being “sick and tired” of this or that. Then, they wonder why they feel low and lethargic. Or they ***** that their boss is a pain in the rear, and then they begin to have problems with their lower back. They fail to realize that mind power techniques, used unconsciously also have consequences.



It's okay, I stood up for myself which eventually led me to being beaten, it was good and I don't regret it, the fact that I stood up for myself, but I got beaten, that one I regret it. Unless you are stronger or want to become stronger to beat your bullies, eventually I learned that the best way to deal with bullies is to join their side. Not to become a bully like them, but to become someone they view more favorably. How do you turn them on your side? or you to their side? (same thing) you stop being offended by their insults, you stop fighting back. They love it when you get mad, when you get angry, when you try to make them stop, that's what's fueling them, that's why they keep coming back for more. There's a website called BulliesToBuddies that explains it all.


I think your father thought that he would motivate you this way. That by calling you names and calling you a cowards you will eventually get so fed up and angry that you will go there and start fighting with the bullies and beating the bullies. But I think it had the opposite effect, it began to demoralize you more and more. My father did the same thing for a time, he eventually learned the wrongs of his ways.

Diabetis also has a big genetic component, but there are a lot of people with that diabetis gene in them that never make diabetis in their life. Blaming on genetics doesn't help: in the first case because it's not completly right, and in the second case because it's not helpful. Genetics plays a factor, but that's where it stops, a factor, what YOU do has more of an influence than what your genetics and what your enviroment does. So if you want to get rid of social anxiety you will want to make better decisions, how you make better decisions? better actions? how you make better actions? you learn how to get rid of social anxiety (from the internet or books) and then start to apply it.


It doesn't matter why you did not deal with those bullies better anymore, it's in the past. You can either learn from it or run from it, but don't ponder over it because it's already happened, it's gone, there's nothing you can do about it anymore. Look over something that you can do something about now, look over the present. What can you do in the present should bother you more than what you could have done in the past, because the present is where you are now. If you want a bright future you'll have to make actions in the present that give you a bright future.

The irony is that you are not a coward becaue you are naturally a coward. You're a coward because you're constantly telling yourself you're a coward, if you want to be something else start calling yourself a different name. Start calling yourself courageous. Think of yourself that you were courageous. Think of the times, even small and minor ones, when you were courageous. And take them as evidenence that, yes, indeed, you can be courageous.

"Few men are born brave. Many become so through training and force of discipline." - Publius Flavius Vegetius Renatus




"Courage can be in the small choices that we make each day, in doing something despite being afraid of it. It’s facing a fear, or jumping into something, even if we are unsure of the outcome." - Dr. Nikki Martinez.

"How can a man be brave if he is afraid? that is the only time a man can be brave." - George R.R. Martin

It's a good thing to learn to have courage because that's your getaway gate to social anxiety, to do the thing you're afraid to do in spite of the fear.
Great advice. Thanks for your post. Never head of auto suggestion before. From what I looked up it seems to be similar to positive self talk. Is that correct? Any websites of resources you know of to show me how to do it the most effectively?

Not sure I totally buy what your saying on the genetics part however. I remember being socially anxious way back when I was very very young in school. Before I was bullied in anyway so it didn't cause it. I think you said" What YOU do has more of an influence than what your genetics and what your enviroment does. " But genetics play a huge role in things. To use a example from sports. You have a Hall of fame Quarterback. Archie Manning. Has to NFL QB sons. Eli Manning and Peyton Manning. His sons won the athletic genetic lottery. Lots of other examples of father / son great athletes as well. Now im sure their dads coaching may have had a bit of help in it to but genetics are the main reason.


You could take a average man. Make him practice football 18 hours a day and hire the greatest coaches in the world and he most likely wont make the professional leagues. Genetics just not there for him. Kind of like breeding a racehorse. Got to have the pedigree!
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post #35 of 55 (permalink) Old 01-06-2019, 05:00 AM
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Great advice. Thanks for your post. Never head of auto suggestion before. From what I looked up it seems to be similar to positive self talk. Is that correct? Any websites of resources you know of to show me how to do it the most effectively?

Not sure I totally buy what your saying on the genetics part however. I remember being socially anxious way back when I was very very young in school. Before I was bullied in anyway so it didn't cause it. I think you said" What YOU do has more of an influence than what your genetics and what your enviroment does. " But genetics play a huge role in things. To use a example from sports. You have a Hall of fame Quarterback. Archie Manning. Has to NFL QB sons. Eli Manning and Peyton Manning. His sons won the athletic genetic lottery. Lots of other examples of father / son great athletes as well. Now im sure their dads coaching may have had a bit of help in it to but genetics are the main reason.


You could take a average man. Make him practice football 18 hours a day and hire the greatest coaches in the world and he most likely wont make the professional leagues. Genetics just not there for him. Kind of like breeding a racehorse. Got to have the pedigree!
I don't have any particular resources for auto-suggestion, but you can try sites like these:
https://www.mindtosucceed.com/auto-s...echniques.html
https://www.wikihow.com/Use-Autosuggestion

There's also visualisation: https://www.spring.org.uk/2011/03/th...ualisation.php
But the trick is -> You have to visualise the process not the outcome.
So if you want to get rich, visualise yourself working to get rich, don't visualise yourself already being rich with a lot of money.

That genetic thing is a matter of debate, but I think that people are more of who they become than who they were born. Those father - son dos I think are 90% their father's doing. You were born with a personal trainer, you were trained from childhood, you see your father who is a professional in that sport as a model, he is also a free professional trainer, you have all the enviromental conditions for success because of your father.

On the nature vs nurture debate I recommed reading: https://www.developgoodhabits.com/fi...rowth-mindset/ turns out people who believe in nurture over nature are more succesful.

I also recommend reading this post, I just made it: https://www.socialanxietysupport.com...think-2218623/

Life is too short to be closed in yourself and not have fun. Keep in touch with people, take initiative, go and talk to people. Be civilized, be respectful, understanding, not conflict prone, have integrity, smile, make jokes and don't get easily offended but also have dignity and self-respect. You're not weak or loser if you're a good person. Everything comes from inside and if you truly want to do something you do it. Happiness is a choice, it depends on us whether we want to be happy or sad.
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post #36 of 55 (permalink) Old 01-08-2019, 09:10 PM Thread Starter
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I don't have any particular resources for auto-suggestion, but you can try sites like these:
https://www.mindtosucceed.com/auto-s...echniques.html
https://www.wikihow.com/Use-Autosuggestion

There's also visualisation: https://www.spring.org.uk/2011/03/th...ualisation.php
But the trick is -> You have to visualise the process not the outcome.
So if you want to get rich, visualise yourself working to get rich, don't visualise yourself already being rich with a lot of money.

That genetic thing is a matter of debate, but I think that people are more of who they become than who they were born. Those father - son dos I think are 90% their father's doing. You were born with a personal trainer, you were trained from childhood, you see your father who is a professional in that sport as a model, he is also a free professional trainer, you have all the enviromental conditions for success because of your father.

On the nature vs nurture debate I recommed reading: https://www.developgoodhabits.com/fi...rowth-mindset/ turns out people who believe in nurture over nature are more succesful.

I also recommend reading this post, I just made it: https://www.socialanxietysupport.com...think-2218623/
Your right the genetic thing is very debatable. 90 percent is very high I think though. I think if you put some random adopted baby in their household they would have a far less then 90 percent chance of making the pros despite all the advantages you mentioned.

Here is a few really good paragraphs I found that show how luck and genetics figures into things.

"There is, of course, the luck of being born at all. The ratio of the number of people who could have been born to those who actually were born is incalculably large—trillions to one. Then there is the luck of being born in a country with a stable political system, a sound economy, and a solid infrastructure, rather than, say, in lower caste India, war-torn Syria, or anarchic Somalia. If you were unlucky enough to be born in one of those countries, you can hardly be blamed for a life outcome of poverty and destitution, and if you managed to get out of such a horrific environment there’s a good chance that in addition to being intelligent, creative, and a high-risk taker, you probably had some help along the way.

There is the luck of having loving and nurturing parents who raised you in a safe neighborhood and healthy environment, provided you with a high quality K–12 education, and who instilled in you the values of personal responsibility. If your family was also financially successful that’s an added bonus because one of the best predictors of someone’s earning power is that of their parents. If you were unlucky enough to be raised in an impoverished home by a single parent in an unsafe neighborhood with subpar schools, you can hardly be blamed for not waltzing your way into Harvard followed by a six-figure corporate salary with country-club privileges. If you did manage to pull yourself up by your bootstraps into such a privileged world out of such an impoverished environment, there’s a good chance that in addition to being intelligent, creative, and a high-risk taker, you had help along the way.

Then there’s the luck of attending a college where you happened upon good or inspiring professors or mentors who guided you to your calling, along with a strong peer cohort to challenge and support you, followed by finding a high-paying job or a fulfilling career. If you were unlucky enough to have never been mentored by nurturing educators, did not befriend smart and ambitious peers in your age range in school, could not land a high-paying job out of school, and never found your calling in life that could be converted into a lucrative career, the fault is not entirely in your stars; it is, in fact, more prudently found in your background, including and especially the constraining prior conditions, both biological and environmental.

Let’s not overlook the luck of being born at a time in history when your particular aptitudes and passions fit that of the zeitgeist. Would Google’s co-founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin be among the richest and most successful people in the world were they born in 1873 instead of 1973? Both are brilliant and hard working, so they would probably have been successful in any century, but at the equivalent of $35 billion each? It seems unlikely. If you had the misfortune to have the talents and interests in a subject for which your society has next to no interest, you can hardly be blamed for that. That’s contingency."

What We Can and Cannot Control
written by Michael Shermer

Thoughts?


Thanks for you post you recommended. Very interesting.
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post #37 of 55 (permalink) Old 01-08-2019, 10:11 PM
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You're the product of countless factors that shaped you into what you are. Your upbringing, your genes, the bullying, your SA, this site... anything and everything factors into what you are now. Once you come to grips with that, blaming one isolated factor seems pointless. Even blaming your parents or peers is meaningless since they're also the products of their environment.
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post #38 of 55 (permalink) Old 01-11-2019, 09:13 AM Thread Starter
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Agree countless factors are at play. Some more important then others.
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post #39 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-26-2019, 11:37 PM Thread Starter
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Being a human being is the reason not to call yourself that. You are not a label. You were a child in a scary situation, that most children and many adults wouldn't know how to handle. A situation that is universally considered one of the most difficult, scarring experiences to go through. Having to face pple who are tormenting you daily that you're unable to escape from is hell on earth. Especially if you're also being bullied (abused) at home by parents or siblings. And let's be clear- a parent calling their child any derogatory name is absolutely abuse.

It's difficult if you're not used to doing it, but try to have compassion for yourself. Imagine a child in the situation you were in. Would you call him names or would you try to comfort him? Help him figure out solutions? Try to bolster his confidence to help him stand up to the bullies? Apologies if you have an ok relationshp with your dad, but at least in that instance, your dad was a cruel POS.

We all have instances in our lives where we wish we had reacted somewhat differently, but we were doing the best that we could at the time. Bullying is terrifying and pple live with lifelong scars from it. You are not alone in that experience, though I'm sure it felt extremely isolating. Anywho, I'll stop going on and on. Point is be gentle with yourself and attempt to have some compassion towards the young, hurting child you were.

Also, I hesitate to belabor this point, but how dare your dad. You couldn't stand up to your bullying dad. You couldn't push him or call him a coward or ***** or whatever he called you. There he was, demonstrating that you can't and shouldn't stand up to bullies, while punishing you for not standing up to bullies. What a mind****. Disgusting behavior on his part. Apologies if this is too far. The cognitive dissonance is just mindblowing.

Thanks for the kind words. Really helped.
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post #40 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-27-2019, 06:26 AM
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Thanks for the kind words. Really helped.
Glad to hear it helped a bit.

Miles to go before I sleep. Vale.

Know your ACE (adverse childhood experiences) score?
Sometimes, SA is a symptom of significant developmental, attachment or interpersonal trauma (emotional neglect counts). If you're still stuck after you've tried SA treatments such as CBT and exposure, research C-PTSD and see if it resonates. Here's an awesome resource. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
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