I need help!!
Hey I am a 16 year old girl with diagnosed SAD. Please bear with me.
I have been to therapy many times, like around 20/30 ish? And those sessions hasn't helped me very much at all. Like I don't feel free from anxiety or nowhere confident enough. My goal is to be confident and independent.
Recently my therapist suggested that I would have to go over to medication, because exposing therapy didn't work, this ''safe space'' method didn't work either and also the coping-cat book for young people didn't work for me. She said that I was a little bit depressed too and maybe that's why medication could be a suggestion.
The goal between the two of us was to do CBT until school start in August. And if the CBT didn't work I would go over to medication. The thing that saddens me the most from this experience is that it took long to finally get in touch with an therapist and it took also long time to start doing the CBT exploring, leading with no help. She said that it didn't seem that I had trouble saying hi to at least 10 people in a shopping mall. She recorded me doing this and I don't wanna ever look back into the video. I just feel terrible about myself. Like I always regret and feeling like puking for ever exposing myself to people. Not a apperance problem, it's just me. I feel like I'm not enough nor superior to others. I just felt bad about this experience, where I was supposed to feel victory. I always try to tell her that I feel like I may have an avoidant personality mindset. Not having the disorder but the thinking process of what most avoidants have, because I really relate to it.
Anyways, I'm going to the doctor next week to decide if it's good for me to have medication or not. I just wanna ask questions and provide as much stuff about me, so I can be sure. I don't want to f^ck over my life lol. I will ask him questions, but I also want answers from you guys. If I ever start on SSRI's, how would I feel? Like any general ssri's. Would ever be able to do the following:
- Not care at all about what other people say about me.
- Confident enough to like maybe shriek in public? Like actually shouting. (I want to do that)
- The pills will work for presentation.
I want to know about if it's okay for a 16 year old to take these pills. I don't want them to make an impact and eventually make it bad for the future. People are saying alcohol is like the number one good thing that reduces anxiety for some people. And frankly when I tried alcohol, I was just feeling weird and funny. Like it just made me more weirder not anxiety-free. I remember I walked strangely to home, like I would go from straight, left, right. I think it was a funny experience, but definitly wouldn't stop me from having panic attacks if I were to talk to another person. Also from that experience, sadly I was craving for more alcohol. My friend cried that I was craving so much. Not caring at all if they felt bad for me. I would be bugging them for alcohol but they refused. Looking back now I realize how toxic it was for me. And I'm lucky that alcohol isn't accessable to me.
I know about the bad side effects of the pills. The one I'm not so happy about is the insomia and diarreh and dizziness. But there ones that I don't mind about. Like the sexual dysfunction. (I don't want to have high libido stuff ever) and feeling like a zombie. Because I hate my feelings and how they impact me negativitly. I just want to be carefree and stop feeling like **** every time I go to school everyday. Where my body shivers and I'm in pain and distress just by being in public. The tears ready to spill out at any moment, but working so hard to keep still. Hiding everywhere where there are no people because of the fear people are going to confront me. Where I am filled with thoughts that I have to have friends or else people are gonna think ur a loner. Or do stuff to fit into society's standards. I just want to be me without feeling like ****.
One thing I also want to ask, will the pills make me unmotivated and procrastinate? Because I enjoy making music. And I'm not sure how that would effect. I'm very curious about this stuff and thanks if you ever reply.