I'm terrified of guys, but random guys are always flirting with me! - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-24-2010, 12:51 AM Thread Starter
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I'm terrified of guys, but random guys are always flirting with me!


Ugh, i don't know what to do. Whenever i'm buying popcorn at the movies, reading a book at barnes and nobles or shopping for a new pair of jeans, some guy comes up to me and flirts with me. I get so nervous. Plus they're usually really attractive, so that just makes it more intimidating.

I cope by pretending to be uninterested so they'll go away and not realize i'm such an anti-social loser. I'm tired of doing that though. I hate that i'm afraid of guys because they're so foreign to me. Like, i've never even met my dad. I can socialize with most girls, unless its a group i can't relate with at all that acts all ditzy and stupid. Then i'm like dead quiet. It's usually when guys are around though.

How do i get over this fear without embarrassing myself in the process?
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post #2 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-24-2010, 03:02 AM
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I want to give you some sort of advice but I haven't exactly experienced this, haha. I would probably feel just as awkward and scared as you though.

What is it that you'll think you do that'll make you embarrass yourself? Are you scared of these guys because you're worried about saying the wrong thing etc.?

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post #3 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-24-2010, 03:13 AM
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Flirt back.
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post #4 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-24-2010, 03:13 AM
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Anyone care to elaborate on being scared of the opposite gender?
I don't understand what you guys mean by this and I've seen many posts about this (from both males and females), I really would like to understand what you guys are talking about.

Scared of what? and Why?
I've seen so many posts of this issue but I don't understand what you guys are talking about????
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post #5 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-24-2010, 03:37 AM
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People with SAD tend to find that kind of confront to be overwhelming. For many of us the fear of judgment by other people is worse with the opposite sex.
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post #6 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-24-2010, 05:52 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Hailey91 View Post
Ugh, i don't know what to do. Whenever i'm buying popcorn at the movies, reading a book at barnes and nobles or shopping for a new pair of jeans, some guy comes up to me and flirts with me. I get so nervous. Plus they're usually really attractive, so that just makes it more intimidating.

I cope by pretending to be uninterested so they'll go away and not realize i'm such an anti-social loser. I'm tired of doing that though. I hate that i'm afraid of guys because they're so foreign to me. Like, i've never even met my dad. I can socialize with most girls, unless its a group i can't relate with at all that acts all ditzy and stupid. Then i'm like dead quiet. It's usually when guys are around though.

How do i get over this fear without embarrassing myself in the process?
i'm a guy and believe me nothing is more scary than approaching a girl. i bet they r more nervous than you. fear of rejection!
...by the way whats ur number?
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post #7 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-24-2010, 07:04 AM
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A lot of guys here tend to complain about how much worse they have it but I see this is one problem we don't have to deal with.
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post #8 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-24-2010, 09:13 AM
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At least you have people who show interest in you. A lot of guys here with SA have never had a girl show any interest in them at all. We could be alone forever, but not you.

I'm just saying, girls have it a lot easier. Guys are always the ones who have to initiate contact with the girl
.
That's not always true.
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post #9 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-24-2010, 10:51 AM
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I'm just saying, girls have it a lot easier. Guys are always the ones who have to initiate contact with the girl.
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Originally Posted by nightrain View Post
That's not always true.
Correcto.

Easiness doesn't apply to fat or ugly women. A minority of beautiful women who won the genetic lottery give all women a bad rap.

There's also an inherent downside to waiting to be approached: You're at men's mercy. So what happens if you're never approached? There's numerous other downsides. I'm glad I'm a man.

To OP:

If you don't feel comfortable with men whom approach you, don't respond back. You're not obligated to flirt back. If you don't wanna be approached in the first place, then downgrade your appearance.
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post #10 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-24-2010, 11:00 AM
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If anybody else comes up to you to flirt just ignore him and walk away. Like the previous poster said, you are not obligated to give him a response.
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post #11 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-24-2010, 11:11 AM
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From my experience, there are two ways to go about this. First, if you're not interested in the guy, just smile politely and say 'sorry I have a boyfriend.' This tends to make them shut up and try to walk away as fast as humanly possible (with no hurt feelings, bonus!) But, if you find the guy who starts talking to you cute, all you need to do is smile. If he's ballsy enough to start flirting with you, he most likely is social enough to start/maintain a conversation, so all you will have to do is answer his questions, even if all you manage is a yes/no. Don't be nervous, they're the ones approaching YOU, so you are calling the shots.

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Originally Posted by Qoder
I'm just saying, girls have it a lot easier. Guys are always the ones who have to initiate contact with the girl.
There's also the fact that girls have to put up with this 'initiated contact,' even if we don't want it, which for some of us, is gosh darn terrifying!
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post #12 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-24-2010, 11:29 AM
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If anybody else comes up to you to flirt just ignore him and walk away. Like the previous poster said, you are not obligated to give him a response.
Well that's a little rude I think. I mean there are social "obligations". I mean when someone extends a handshake, you don't HAVE to shake it but....I think you can convey your disinterest in a cordial way (which isn't to say he won't get his feelings hurt or be disappointed) but just think how you would like to be treated if you approached someone you liked.

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Originally Posted by Qoder View Post
..I'm just saying, girls have it a lot easier. Guys are always the ones who have to initiate contact with the girl.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ayven View Post
...There's also the fact that girls have to put up with this 'initiated contact,' even if we don't want it, which for some of us, is gosh darn terrifying!
^^Approaching someone can also be terrifying. Plus on average who can LEAST get away with showing no confidence, the approacher or the approachee? Not to beat a dead horse, but being approached by the opposite sex is a nice problem to have. OK so I beat a dead horse. You would honestly prefer NO approaches? I get that it's scary, but hey you can have it both ways. Be the approached or approach someone. You must be very attractive to be approached so often. You should look on the bright side and think how great that is. Some people don't have that option.

As far as what to say or do, pick a line or two that you feel comfortable with like "so where are you from?" or "come here often?" (kidding), but I bet asking the guy's name is a good way to show interest. Don't forget to tell them your name if interested. If not interested, yeah, like ayven said, mention a boyfriend or husband or something. (That won't work 100% of the time though just FYI) In which case a baseball bat would help. haha
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post #13 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-24-2010, 01:07 PM
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Wear a ring on your your finger. Tell people your perpetually engaged to Bret Michaels.
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post #14 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-24-2010, 01:13 PM
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Wear a ring on your your finger. Tell people your perpetually engaged to Bret Michaels.
That's what I tell people. It really works!
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post #15 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-24-2010, 03:35 PM
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Just try to go with it, if you're interested back.

I used to look at women as completely foreign, but the reality of it is, all people are fundamentally the same. We all like companionship, happiness and feeling special. It's not an alien coming up to talk to you, it's just another person looking for someone to help pass the time (which can mean many different things, so try not to make any assumptions).

So, if he looks like a nice guy that you'd like to get to know, just go with it. I doubt being a little quiet or saying something silly would throw him off more than just pushing people away. The fact is, it doesn't even matter if you do embarrass yourself, and letting the risk of feeling embarrassed control your life will only result in regret.

I'm not saying you should just sit back and let anybody hit on you, but there's always a chance that the guy seeing a movie at the same time as you is a really good friend, or that guy buying jeans in the girl's section (I don't judge, lol) is just about perfect for you.

"Traveling somewhere...could be anywhere. There's a coldness in the air, but I don't care. We drift deeper into the sound, life goes on. We drift deeper into the sound, feeling strong. So bring it on. So bring it on."

Make things move.
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post #16 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-24-2010, 06:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Hailey91 View Post
Ugh, i don't know what to do. Whenever i'm buying popcorn at the movies, reading a book at barnes and nobles or shopping for a new pair of jeans, some guy comes up to me and flirts with me. I get so nervous. Plus they're usually really attractive, so that just makes it more intimidating.

I cope by pretending to be uninterested so they'll go away and not realize i'm such an anti-social loser. I'm tired of doing that though. I hate that i'm afraid of guys because they're so foreign to me. Like, i've never even met my dad. I can socialize with most girls, unless its a group i can't relate with at all that acts all ditzy and stupid. Then i'm like dead quiet. It's usually when guys are around though.

How do i get over this fear without embarrassing myself in the process?
i feel the same exact way, ya know and i also dont and havent had a dad. we are intimidated by guys because we didnt grow up around them and we dont understand them. i can totally relate. when guys hit on me im in total shock and dont know how to react

dont know if you have a job or not but getting a job has helped my shyness and also my fear of guys a lot

but not completely. lol. so i know how you feel. many times i just think they are joking or just being nice cause im in such shock

lol no joke i had a customer say to me in front of everyone lol "can i take you home?" i was so dumbfounded i didnt know what to say

you just take it as a compliment lol
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post #17 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-24-2010, 07:04 PM
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If you don't feel comfortable with men whom approach you, don't respond back. You're not obligated to flirt back. If you don't wanna be approached in the first place, then downgrade your appearance.
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Originally Posted by GrimedMechanic86 View Post
If anybody else comes up to you to flirt just ignore him and walk away. Like the previous poster said, you are not obligated to give him a response.
I'm surprised to hear this coming from two guys.

If girls don't like being approached, that's fine. But unless a guy is incredibly lewd, you can at least take two seconds to fake a smile and say "I'm busy/taken/not interested".

Literally. Two. Seconds.

Consider it your penalty for being too attractive.

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post #18 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-24-2010, 07:14 PM
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At least you have people who show interest in you. A lot of guys here with SA have never had a girl show any interest in them at all. We could be alone forever, but not you.

I'm just saying, girls have it a lot easier. Guys are always the ones who have to initiate contact with the girl.
That's not necessarily true. I read somewhere that girls are the initiators. Although guys make the first move VERBALLY, girls make the first move NONVERBALLY by making eye contact for instance. For a girl with SA who has trouble making eye contact, this can be a problem.

life is one big social game
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post #19 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-24-2010, 07:17 PM
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That's not necessarily true. I read somewhere that girls are the initiators. Although guys make the first move VERBALLY, girls make the first move NONVERBALLY by making eye contact for instance. For a girl with SA who has trouble making eye contact, this can be a problem.
i totally agree im too shy to let a guy know i like him because of my SA so yeah it can be tough for us girls too
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post #20 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-24-2010, 07:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Qoder View Post
At least you have people who show interest in you. A lot of guys here with SA have never had a girl show any interest in them at all. We could be alone forever, but not you.

I'm just saying, girls have it a lot easier. Guys are always the ones who have to initiate contact with the girl.
Girls don't have it easier because guys can be aggressive and won't take no for an answer. Sometimes they seem like lions hunting for prey. They also many times may not be looking for a serious relationship but only sex and to use women for this. Men get to pick and choose what they want. Women get stuck getting hit on by anyone who may just want to use them.
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